What Constitutes Suicidal Thoughts and…

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Suicidal Thoughts

… when and how do you healthily respond to them?

Is one of the questions which keeps going around my head at the moment.

To be totally honest it is a question which arose from my state of mind at the moment and one which – seeing as my mind is obsessing over things at the moment  – something that I just don’t seem able to let go of.

Additionally, since I am being out there and open with it all, I am OK letting my mind obsess about this question at the moment.  Because it is a heck of a lot healthier than actually obsessing on the harmful destructive thoughts going on inside my head right now.

And speaking of being out there and open, I apologise to anyone who knows me and who may be concerned as a result of this post.  That really isn’t the object or purpose of this post at all.  And I really do want to be clear that whilst I am in a very fragile state I am not contemplating suicide at this moment.

But I have to do something to defocus my mind from those other thoughts right now and besides, this really is an important question.

See here’s the deal.  Something happened on Friday which completely distressed and disturbed me.  And which my mind just won’t let go of.  It keeps replaying it over and over and it just won’t let go of it.

No one is to blame for this, but me.  And no one set out to intentionally hurt or distress me.  And in truth there is no way they could have known the landslide of destructive thought processes which they inadvertently started or triggered.

But the landslide started and they – the destructive thought processes – simply won’t stop. But when does a destructive thought – even and especially repetitive and obsessive destructive thoughts constitute actual suicidal thoughts?  And more importantly when and how do you healthily respond to them?

Its a very difficult question isn’t it?

In the rational I can see them for what they are.  I understand what caused them and I even understand and can recognised the flawed and twisted logic and arguments that they put forth to accompany and support their suggestions.

Likewise, in the rational I know that they also come in waves of intensity and that said waves increase as it get later and later in the day and peak when the night falls.

I know and recognise the pattern here.

The way it all works within this ideation within my mind.

I know only too well the observations and arguments my mind throws up to bring me closer to the edge and I know the counter observations and counter arguments that I will state in order to slow that process down.

I know the facts and myths and the statistics concerning this.

How suicidal thoughts, also known as suicidal ideation are thoughts about how to kill oneself, which can range from a detailed plan to a fleeting consideration which does not include the final act of killing oneself.

I also know that the majority of people who experience suicidal ideation do not actually go as far as attempting it (let alone succeeding).  And that according to studies only just over a fifth of people who died by suicide had actually discussed their thoughts or intentions prior to the act.

And I know that my own thoughts are not of how to commit suicide.  In truth I worked that out a long long time ago.  (And I think a great many of us have made similar considerations or had similar discussions without any intention of actually doing so.).

No for me it is not a case of actually doing it, it is a case of trying to stop it from happening.

It is so hard to describe.  It is like my mind – the obsessive, destructive thoughts process – is trying to push me towards the edge and all I can do is fight with it.

And the longer the fight goes on the weaker and more tired I become.  (Minds with obsessive thoughts don’t shut down long enough to allow sleep, let alone sleep of any quality.)  And the closer to the edge I know I am getting.

 

Now I need to  make this clear again, since I blog openly and not anonymously.  Yes I am experiencing very harmful and destructive thoughts which are also obsessive and relentless.  And I have been now for three days ever since what happened on Friday.  But I am still able to fight them to varying degrees of effect despite becoming more and more tired and less and less able to function properly.

And the purpose of this post is not to concern anyone.  It is instead to invite comments and opinions from other bloggers and readers about such obsessive harmful and destructive thoughts.  When do such thoughts constitute suicidal thoughts?  When should we really be worried about such thoughts?  How do we respond (healthily) to them?

 

 

 

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Somewhere, from within the silent emptiness…

Tags

Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness

I think many of us who suffer from mental illness or poor mental health can well relate to how this animation of a what is termed as a ‘flatline’  – normally used to indicate activity in the heart – could also represent how we feel, often both mentally and emotionally, during a particularly bad episode.

It can be such a distressing time – especially (and often more so) for those who have to witness our going through these episodes.  Episodes where we seemingly cease to function, cease to even feel.

And certainly it is very hard to explain or describe – to anyone who has not experienced it or been through it – just what that is like.

And likewise it is very hard to explain or describe the wonderment which can often come when you suddenly, unexpectedly, somewhere from within the silent emptiness of both thought and emotion, realise that you have begun to feel something.

Did you really feel it?  Was it really there?  Did you imagine it?  Somehow create it out of your own desperation?

These are all questions which I have to admit I have asked myself at times such as these.

And of course even the realisation of your being desperate – were you but to have had clarity of thought enough to know it at the time – is in itself an indication of improvement.  An indication of some breakthrough. Some sign of life within the death-like emptiness you had previously been experiencing.

But then of course comes the nervousness, even the fear, that actually this new awareness, this new feeling, this new ability to think once more is only fleeting. A momentary blip before you mentally and/or emotionally ‘flatline’ once more.

It’s a harrowing thought isn’t it?

And indeed perhaps you are reading this and can relate to exactly what I am describing here.  Either because you have experienced it yourself or watched someone you know, perhaps a loved one, go through this kind of thing.

And if either of those are the case for you, then I am truly sorry.  And likewise I am truly sorry for those who have witnessed me go through it in the past.

But of course – when it comes to the heart and to ‘flatlining’ in the physical – we have learned so much and have developed such equipment as defibrillators to help kick start the heart back into action.

Something which we are not quite so developed, not so good at when it comes to the mind and the emotions.

Although I have little to no doubt that many have tried ‘shocking’ even ‘shaking’ their loved one’s out of such a status.  Even despite the obvious and very real fear that doing so might to more harm than good.

And I yearn – oh how I yearn – to be able to offer some sage advice, some wonderful key that would instantly unlock such situations as the ones I have described above.  But alas I know not of such a key, because I recognise that we are all unique and the very things that drive or drag us into such states can be as unique and personal to each of us as the personal pain and distress that it causes those who have to witness them.

But I do know this.  That pain and distress comes from your love.  And I truly believe that love can reach into the deepest and darkest of circumstances and offer hope.  A hope which can save lives and which can change the tides of desperation.

After all, as a Christian, is that not what I believe that God’s love through Christ has done for me, and for so many others.

And after all, is that not one of the reasons why we – those of us who experience mental illness or poor mental health – blog about our experiences?  In the hope of reaching out and helping someone else?

So I want to encourage you, if you are going through this or witnessing someone else going though this, to persevere and to continue loving them through it.  Who knows, perhaps one day that very love which you selflessly give will be the very thing which reaches into the deep darkness of desperation and touches the person going through it, so that somewhere from within the silent emptiness of both thought and emotion they can see and find their way out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Different Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Wrong or Broken.

Tags

Challenges, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships

Following on from my The ‘Little and Not So Little Things From Childhood’ game post the day before yesterday, here is the second of the five answers that I have chosen to write about in more detail.

Question 1 in the game asked “What is the first childhood memory that comes to mind?”  and my answer was as follows…

Letting off a fire extinguisher in the church hall.  I think I was about 8 years old at the time and it was on the side of the stage in the church hall.  Everyone else was in the church hall doing stuff and I was bored so had gone exploring on the stage. I found the fire extinguisher tucked away at the side of the stage and wanted to know how it worked.  (I had a very inquiring mind.)  So when I was checking it over and trying to see how it worked I accidentally set it off.  This would have been some 44 years ago now and it was the kind that once you had set it off you couldn’t stop it.  It went everywhere and I and the surrounding area was covered in the stuff.  Man did I get into trouble for that one.

I remember it so well,  and indeed I also remember the hiding (spanking) that I got at home from my father as a result of it.   But what I also remember, even more than any of that – and trust me that hiding was memorable enough – was the injustice I felt over it all and just how misunderstood I was.

You see in my father’s eyes, my father who was a Chief Petty Officer in the Royal Navy and who firmly believed in discipline and that all misbehaviour needed to be addressed and paid for, I had done something very wrong.  And thus he reacted according to his belief and his parenting method.  And I really am not wanting to debate (nor indeed to start yet another debate on corporal punishment) or whether the level of discipline applied was appropriate to what he felt I had done.

Instead, what I am discussing is how in my eyes I had simply had an accident as a result of doing something new and different.  And, let’s be realistic here, as a result of having a very inquiring mind and trying to learn.

The fact is that what we see isn’t always what is happening.  As this little clip from the BBC television program QI will demonstrate…

I openly agree that – had I deliberately set off the fire extinguisher as a gesture of some rebelliousness or displeasure, or even as an act of mischievousness – some form of discipline would have been called for.  And, as my children will no doubt attest, I am in no way opposed to discipline.  But isn’t it important to find out the facts and to understand the motivation behind things before you actually judge those things and indeed the person doing them?

And that is the point isn’t it?  To a lot of people what they would have seen was simply a fire extinguisher.  But to me, a young lad complete with an inquiring mind and yet with the absence of the filters that many others seemed to  have, I saw a device which I needed to understand the mechanics of.  Why?  Because I simply see things differently and had a hunger to understand things.

And isn’t mental illness or poor mental health sometimes similar to that?  Don’t those of us who have it sometimes – if not often – see things differently, perceive and understand things differently?

If we are ever to bring about what we term as a ‘healing’ or ever to truly help those of us who have mental illness or poor mental health don’t we first have to realize and accept this.  And having done so isn’t it important that those who don’t see, perceive or understand things in the way we do, try to understand, to catch a glimpse of, our perception.  Isn’t it important that they look beyond the behaviours or the comments or the attitudes and try to find the person, the people, behind them and to see things from our eyes.

Because how else are they ever going to be able to truly and fairly judge?

And isn’t it important to understand that maybe, just maybe, sometimes they are the ones who have it wrong?  After all, doesn’t history show us that many of the greatest minds and greatest discoveries and advances mankind has made have arisen out of seeing things, thinking things, approaching things, differently?

Much is made about the stigma attached to mental illness and I absolutely agree that this stigma is so very wrong.  But that stigma, much like the damage that was done in the situation of the young boy I once was and the fire extinguisher, arises out of a misunderstanding and a failure to see that “different doesn’t necessarily mean wrong or broken.”

 

 

Why do you pull away and isolate from me,…? QTAPWMI – Day 06

Tags

Challenges, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Questions to a parent with mental illness, Relationships

This morning, I have followed my usual early morning routine. Just as I do most mornings. Woken up, went and had a wash. I then got dressed, made a fuss of TJ my dog and then went and made a cup of coffee. I then collected my retrieved my morning meds from where I keep them all and along with my coffee came into my study.

I then checked my blood sugars, took my meds and sipped my coffee as I went through my emails. And having done so I then checked out this morning’s question set by one of my daughter’s in the “Questions To A Parent With Mental Illness” Challenge that she has set me.  And I have to be honest here, the implications of this morning’s question hit me very hard…

My Darling Daughter,

I have no idea whether I have just woken up in a particularly melancholy mood this morning, or if our conversation yesterday afternoon has left me wanting so much for you to be home right now, so I could hug you and be there for you. 

But I do know that when I read the words, “Why do you pull away and isolate from me, when your mental health is bad?” The words which really leapt out at me, were “Why do you pull away from me?”.  And I have to tell you honey, that they touched my heart so very deeply and have really impacted me.

And that is not a bad thing honey.  As you know, I truly believe that we all – regardless of our age, or who we are, or of any mental illness – need to have our actions, behaviors and thinking challenged at times.

But the picture in my mind – yep, here comes those mental images again – of me actually pulling away from you, saddens me so very much.  And so the very first thing I want to do is to apologize and to say how very sorry I am honey.

I would hope – and to be honest with you I have just spent the past 10 minutes or so reflecting on this – that folk who know me, and especially my children, would say of me that I am not a selfish man.  And that I genuinely do generally put the needs of others before myself, when I am able.  But I don’t think I have ever, really and truly, fully considered how my ‘pulling away and isolating, when my mental health is bad’, affected others.  And that bothers me.

Actually, that isn’t exactly what I am trying to say.  It isn’t ‘exactly’ true.  You see, I have considered it. In fact I have frequently considered it. I just don’t think I have considered it properly or healthily or from the right perspective. (If that makes any sense to you.) 

I have, I think, always seen my isolating as being a good thing for you and for others. As well as being a good thing for myself in some ways.  Or at least the lesser of two evils – so to speak. 

Honey, don’t you only have to read my answer to yesterday’s question to see that?  But the words, “Why do you pull away from me?” which leapt out at me from your question this morning, changes the whole complexion, the whole perspective of my actions and my approach.

[And before you ask, or send off a concerned message or email to me. And so that you don’t sit worrying about this.  No, I am not going to sit fixating on this or beating myself up over this honey. Or allowing the internal and external dialogues to latch onto this and repeatedly hit me over the head with it.  (We both know how I can do that sometimes).  And I really do think that my mind is in such a place at the moment where I can process this healthily and where I can try to simply build from it.]

I said in my answer to your question yesterday, that I do try to protect you when my mental health is bad.  And I also admitted that I do also try to protect myself at the same time. I then also admitted that I really shouldn’t to do that and really needed to try not to do that.  And if anything, your question this morning has emphasized that to me.

[Hm.  I wonder if you purposefully put these two questions together for that reason? Or if their being together simply reflects either the importance of this to you, or your thought processes on this?]

But I digress.  And either way, the need for me (and possibly others like me, to see that when we – seemingly for all good reasons within our mind – withdraw and isolate from those we love. In the hope of protecting them from any ‘fall-out’ (or damage) resulting from our mental illnesses. We are in fact pulling away.  And that it can and often will, to some degree or another, be viewed by them as our ‘pulling away’ from them.

And honey that truly has become more apparent to me now.  And I am so grateful to you for asking this question. (And, actually, all the questions so far.)  And I do want for you to know that I really am sorry for any hurt that has been caused as a result of my doing this. 

But honey, I mentioned earlier that it gave me a chance to see, and reflect on, my doing this from a different perspective – from your perspective.  So honey, in order for us to both benefit from this challenge process.  I need to also offer you the chance to see (and understand it) from my perspective as well…

In my answer to yesterday’s question I talked about my mental illnesses being a wide often raging and fierce and intense river which can sometimes separate us.  Within that, I made the statement, “And honey, at times like that – when that river is so wild that all I can do is to try to stop it from bursting it’s banks and flooding and destroying me.  The very thought of you being anywhere near that danger is so alien, so counter-intuitive to my love for you, that it just does not bear thinking about.”

I truly meant every word of that, honey.  Actually, every word I have spoken [or typed] in all of my answers.  But I need for you to try to put yourself in my position within that picture.  I need for you to try to see and understand what it is like when all you can see – when all you can think of and when all you can feel – is that raging river rising and the banks of that river bursting.  And that current and those waves coming towards you, threatening to consume and destroy you.

And honey I am not typing those words or painting that picture just for dramatic effect.  That is truly what it is like sometime, and I need for you to try to understand what it feels like to watch that happening all around you.  And to know that you are losing control.

It really is so very hard to accurately give a good picture of what it is like sometimes honey.  And part of the reason for that is that, in truth, this can happen in a number of different ways.  For a number of different reasons.  And at a number of different speeds.  And I so wish that my ability to communicate what it is like was better.

That river – my mental illnesses – is constantly there with me and along side me.  A lot of times it is fairly manageable. And whilst always flowing close to me, it seemingly poses no note-worthy issues or immediate threat or danger. 

Other times, I feel like I am gradually slipping or sliding down it’s banks towards it.  And how far down or how quickly I am sliding understandably impacts my ability to react.   And yes, at yet other times, instead of me sliding down towards it, it seems to be rising up it’s banks towards me.  And then, honey, there are the times when suddenly, seemingly instantly it rages up and envelopes me.

Honey, all of these are true descriptions, true pictures of the way that river – the way my mental illnesses – affect me.  And I hope that in all of those pictures you can see how; the level of threat or danger it poses, the level of control I have or don’t have, and indeed my ability to consider others and especially those I love, varies.

And I truly hope that you can, from those pictures, also see and understand how sometimes (and yes I emphasize and freely accept that it only sometimes) it is not me pulling away and isolating from you when my mental health is bad, it is my mental illnesses pulling me away and isolating me from you.

Honey.  I have just re-read this answer to you and a thought occurred to me…

When we first discussed the possibility of going through this process – when we came up with this challenge.  We decided to do it openly on my blog, instead of privately between just the two of us.  And we did so not only because we felt it would help me carry on blogging but because hopefully, in the process, it might help others.

One of my concerns, (and I am not sure I voiced it during that conversation), was whether or not by answering publicly it would effect how personal I could be in my answers to you.  But I figured that if I needed to add anything more personal to an answer, I could do so in any follow-up conversations that we had as a result of my answer. So far I haven’t felt that I couldn’t answer anything as personally as I wanted to.

I realize – in re-reading this answer to you – that I started it with the words, “My Darling Daughter”.  Honey, I did that in response to how this question impacted me and because of my need and deepest desire for you to truly know that you truly are my darling daughter and how much I love both you and your siblings.

I hope, so very much, that this answer has demonstrated to you how much your question has made me think.  And how it has afforded me the chance to see and try to understand things from a different perspective.  From your (and others) perspective. And I hope that my answer has afforded you (and perhaps others) a chance to see and try to understand it from my perspective. (Although perhaps you already have, and I have simply added to that).

And honey, I hope – I hope so much – that perhaps my answer has gone some way to repair any damage that has already been done, and/or to bring some healing to any hurts already felt.

With all my love.

Dad.

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Fifteen

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Challenges, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Rejection, Relationships

Day 15: How has your life been effected by your illness(es)? (Some ideas are: relationships, career, school)

Introduction and apology…

This for me is a very interesting question and one which I have, in the past, often considered and indeed written about.

But in the past, when writing about this (or about directly related subjects), I have also been a little reticent about what – or how much – I shared.

But I find myself asking the question, “if my answering this question is to have any value at all (and I am very keen that is does), does it not require me to be both very open and very honest?”

Don’t get me wrong.  Being open and honest is something which I have always tried to be within this blog.  But it has, to a large degree, always been filtered through a desire not to cause discomfort or distress to my family and/or to those I know.

And as a result of this self-imposed ‘filter’ there have therefore often been times when I have been a little restrictive in the type and level of some of the information that I have shared.  Likewise I have been cautious in how I have worded some of the information that I have previously shared.

But the fact remains that today’s question is a part of a challenge.  A challenge specifically aimed at increasing awareness when it comes to mental illness.  And it is a challenge (and a question) which is a very important one.

I am so very mindful that others may be going through (or have gone through) what I go through (and have gone through). And, through this post, I do so very much want to reach out and say, “You are not alone.”

I am so very mindful that others may have family members and loved ones who present similar behaviors or thought patterns and who ask themselves, “how can this be?” And I so want to reach out to you and say’ “As inexplicable as it is, for some of us, it can be and is.  Don’t despair and don’t look to blame.  Just try to understand and try to reach beyond what is experienced.”

I am so very mindful that others may have family members and loved ones who present similar behaviors or thought patterns. Others who regularly ask themselves, “How can this be?” And I so want to reach out to you and say’ “As inexplicable as it is, for some of us, it can be and is.  Don’t despair and don’t look to blame.  Just try to understand and try to reach beyond what is experienced.”

Ungrounded Relationships – An inability to fully connect…

As I have mentioned before, I have experienced mental illness or poor mental health for most of my life.  Or for at least as long as I can remember.

Certainly, I became aware – as a child – that the way I felt, the way I thought, the way I processed and perceived things ( including the presence of internal [and seemingly external] dialogues that I experienced) appeared different to my siblings and to my peers.

But I grew up in a time when mental illness was not as understood or tolerated (I just can’t bring myself to say accepted) as it is today.  Likewise we (society) were not, in my opinion, as aware of mental illness as we are today.  And, looking back, I can see how (as a result of this lack of awareness, understanding or tolerance) not only did I hide much of what was going on inside my head, but also how much of the behavior – resulting from what was going on inside my head – was not even considered in the context of mental health. And was instead, purely seen as ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ or ‘inappropriate behavior’.  (And so consequently it was dealt with as such).

But please understand the setting and indeed the context in which I share what I share.  I cannot – in all honesty – claim that I came from a bad family or dysfunctional family by the standards of the time. Nor can I (or will I) say, by those same standards, that either of my parents were abusive.  In truth my parents generally reacted just as any other parent of that time.  And to all intents and purposes anyone looking in would see my family as a ‘normal’ and even a’ close-knit’ family group.

Likewise, I was not ( and was not labeled as) the proverbial ‘problem child’ – acting up or bullying or being nasty or anything.  No. I was just simply ‘different’.  I saw myself as being ‘different’.  I understood myself as being ‘different’ (although I didn’t really understand why).  And I seemed to be somehow seen and in some ways treated as being ‘different’.

And this, I am convinced, had some very real and very damaging consequences.

In truth, I simply didn’t feel ‘grounded’ or that I ‘fitted in’.  And more importantly I never that I ‘belonged’.

In fact, even as a child, I would often sit within my family home – surrounded by my parents and siblings – and look upon them as the family unit which they were, but as a family unit which I was not really part of.

Even now I look back at such pictures of my family as the one above. Which has (back row) my father, my grandmother, my mother (holding my little brother), and my grandfather.  Then (front row) my sister and my older brother, and then me at the end.  And as much as I try I cannot truly fully see myself as part of that ‘family’ picture.  Even though I am clearly in it.

As irrational as this might sound (especially to my family) and as hard as it might be for some folk to understand.  I have never truly fully felt a part of my family.

And yes, I freely accept that it is irrational.  (I mean, rationally, you only have to look at pictures – such as this one on the left – to see that I obviously was part of and belonged in my family.)  But somehow – in my head [and thus my heart] this just wasn’t so.

In truth the irrational became (or was) the reality that I knew and which replaced (in me) the reality everybody else knew.

And I know, from observing and yes analyzing, my siblings’ relationships with my parents, that this had a direct and damaging impact on my own relationship with my parents and especially my father.

My; fear of, unwillingness to, and even inability to express, or admit, or communicate that which was going on in my head.  Coupled with the lack of understanding of mental illness at that time and indeed a mistrust and unhealthy attitude towards it.  Left my parents – and especially my father  – in a position where my behavior was only seen as rebellion or simply my being bad.  And in my father’s eyes especially, that was not to be tolerated and definitely something to be ‘disciplined’ out of a child.

The cold, hard fact remains that this disconnect, this inability to fully connect, had a direct impact on my relationships and indeed my grounding as a child.  And I know, without any doubt, from conversations and correspondence with my parents, that this placed them in such a difficult position and indeed cause them just as much hurt as it caused me.

And the truth is that this continued throughout my life and on into other relationships.

As a youth and as a young adult, so many of the things that I did, so many of the decisions that I made (and which impacted on my family and especially on my parents) were as a direct result of my mental illness.  It was either my trying to manage it, cope with it, reduce it’s potential to do damage, or to simply continue keeping it hidden.

But of course only I knew that.  And so only I saw the reasons or understood the logic or the thought processes behind them.  So what to me was a necessary and logical and understandable action or decision, was far from necessary, far from logical, and far from understandable to my parents or my family.  And that therefore resulted in a great deal of concern, confusion and even hurt felt by them.

But we get older don’t we?  Our involvement with, our dependence on, and our need for (or acceptance of) guidance from our parents, lessens.  And our growing independent becomes more acceptable and increases.  Just as the expectation for us to develop other relationships and start our own families does.

The desire and need for our own relationships…

There is, (or at least there was at the time of my young adulthood) a process which was commonly followed. Children grew up, started their own relationships outside the family, fell in love, got married and had their own children. It was how things were commonly done.  It was an expectation placed upon us and indeed an expectation which grew within us.

There is, I think, an intrinsic need, a desire, within most of us to be loved.  And even (perhaps especially) where you have struggle throughout your childhood and youth to belong, to fit in, to feel accepted, to feel loved this need, this desire continues.

And perhaps (or so your mind reflects – or at least mine did) – this time, now that you are choosing and forming the relationships, it will be different.

But desire doesn’t always equate to or result in success, does it?  And where the inability to fully connect is somehow inbuilt within you (or where the ability to fully connect has been somehow robbed from you) nothing actually changes.  Especially where you are still trying so hard to hide your mental illnesses or at very least so frightened of revealing or discussing them.

And so history repeats itself.  Or at least it did in my case.

Relationships which I formed and which I so wanted to be ‘normal’, to be ‘full’, to be ‘mutually intimate’ presented the same block, the same disconnect, the same fracturing.

Is it because you are (in part at lest) still living a lie?  Yes, maybe that is a part of it.  But trust me, in my experience it goes so very much beyond that.  It goes so very much deeper than that.

Even when I got married, and even when the most wonderful and awesome thing happened, the birth of our son, this blockage, this inability to fully connect was still there.

I cannot begin to tell you the amount of times I came home from work and would stop outside my house and look in through the window.  Look in at my wife and son playing together or interacting with each other.  I cannot tell you how many times I would see that picture and know deep down inside that I simply did not ‘fit into it’ or ‘belong’ as a part of it.

And so in many ways, whilst I personally could never fully justify my wife leaving me, or indeed the way that she did it, and whilst I would never have done the same thing to her, I can at least understand it.  And it comes as little wonder to me that our marriage broke down.

But can we reach out beyond the reality which we know or with which we are presented?

The question set today asked: “How has your life been effected by your illness(es)?” And it offered some suggestions. “(Some ideas are: relationships, career, school)”

In my answer I have chosen to focus on one very real, very personal and (in my opinion) important aspect of how my mental illnesses have effected my life. – That of relationships.  And I have done so because (in my opinion) this is an aspect which often fails to be discussed and an aspect which (in my experience) went throughout my childhood, my youth, and my adulthood and which still exists within me today.  And it is an aspect which can impact so much of a person’s life – home, family, school, career, church.

Do I have personal relationships?  Yes, I have a few.  But I have to tell you that they really are few and far between.

Do I have intimate personal relationships, close personal relationships?  Yes, but even fewer, if truth be told.  And I am convinced that these exist more as a result of the grace and compassion and character of those I am close to than they are as a result of me.

Almost at the very beginning of this post I made two statements concerning the motivations behind what UI knew would be such an open post…

“I am so very mindful that others may be going through (or have gone through) what I go through (and have gone through). And, through this post, I do so very much want to reach out and say, “You are not alone.”

And…

“I am so very mindful that others may have family members and loved ones who present similar behaviors or thought patterns. Others who regularly ask themselves, “How can this be?” And I so want to reach out to you and say’ “As inexplicable as it is, for some of us, it can be and is.  Don’t despair and don’t look to blame.  Just try to understand and try to reach beyond what is experienced.”

I want to end this post there – having repeated those words and to answer the question which entitled this the last section of this post.

“But can we reach out beyond the reality which we know or with which we are presented?“

I truly believe that the answer has to be – yes, we can.  Because the truth is that we have to.

 

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day 11

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Challenges, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Multiple Personality Disorder, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Day 11: What is the worst thing in regard to your mental illness(es)?

Yesterday’s challenge required me to write about the best thing with regard to my mental health.  Certainly, as I tried to illustrate through yesterday’s post, there are benefits or positives which could easily be associated to having my mental illnesses or more accurately my mental health.

But it is perhaps interesting that when it comes to writing about the worst thing in regard to my mental illness the list (in my head) seems so much longer and indeed finding the ‘worst’ just that little bit harder as a result of this.

And let’s be open and honest here.  So many of the associated; aspects, behaviors, effects, fall-outs, symptoms, and results of my having my mental illnesses are connected and interwoven, that it would be nearly impossible to pick just one without my own mind (or indeed you the reader) thinking well what about such and such?

Let’s see now which of the list – chaos, confusion, emptiness, paranoia, hopelessness, desperation, fear, terror, disconnection with reality, alternate realities, loss of reality, loss of time, loss of control, loss of memories, disconnected memories, distorted perceptions of time, disassociation, fixations, self-frustration, self-criticism, self-doubt, self-hatred, self-harming, sense of loss, sense of not belonging, lack of grounding, sense of not fitting in, helplessness, negative thoughts, jumbled thoughts, echoed thoughts, detached thoughts, repetitive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, distorted perceptions, – to name but a few, do I  choose?

And indeed, and hopefully others who experience mental illness or poor mental health will be able to relate to this question, “What stage of it all do I choose?”

Is it when it first begins (that is if it creeps up on you instead of being a sudden ambush) that time when you still have enough clarity of mind to realize that it is coming but are so far along that you can do next to nothing to stop it?

Is it when you are in the middle of it all and all those things (and all the others I haven’t listed) are upon you?  For whilst you might not know exactly what is happening – this is the time when most of the damage is done.

Is it when you are coming out of it all and you realize that you have been through an episode?  And at the same time remember the havoc previous episodes have brought in your life and are frightened of what you are going to find out?

Or is it when you are out of that episode and are facing all the damage that resulted from it but are not totally convinced you are yet fully aware of all the damage done?

Or is it, and yes I think this should also be in the list.  The not knowing what triggered that episode and the fear that actually it could happen again at anytime – that ticking time bomb experience?

And likewise, what do I choose?  The way all this effects me or the way all this effects those I love and who have to witness all this?  Because I have to tell you that, although I live alone and so thankfully the level of impact that this has on others is limited, I still so very much struggle with the worry and upset my mental health causes to others.

And on that note I have to tell you that whilst I dislike so very much the fact that these things happen at all, I am truly so very grateful for the fact that when it does happen – when those episodes come -, my mental illness is such that I implode rather than explode.

And trust me when I say that I dislike – with a passion – the implosions when they happen and indeed the extreme and intense sense of bullying pressure that I feel as they happen.  But it is at least, well in my eyes it is, the lesser of the two evils.

Which do I choose as the worst?  It really is proving to be such a difficult question.

And I haven’t even included all the negatives of other people’s reactions to my mental illnesses/mental health.  Things like – pity, lack of understanding and at times lack of even caring, the lack of trust from some others, that it can bring, the stereotyping, the stigma, using my mental health to justify their bad behavior, or bad attitudes or to convince themselves that their argument or position is right (even when it is wrong) and that my mental health isn’t allowing me to see it all clearly – even thought I so obviously do.

No.  I think the thing that I will choose – and yes it is purely to complete the exercise and I openly admit that there are (as I have detailed above) a number of other candidates (almost or) just as deserving. Is the fracturing or disconnecting and the lack of grounding that it all brings.

And this manifests or presents itself in so many ways.

That sense of not fitting in.

That sense of not being somehow slightly wrong or damaged or disconnected from who you should be – and even being a burden to people.

That sense of so often doubting or second guessing yourself – not being able to have confidence in your memories and recollections.

Consider this if you will.  So much of our life, so much of our grounding, of who we are, of our relationships is built on a whole series of our experiences and memories and recollections of those experiences.

If you fail to retain those memories, if you feel disconnected from those memories, if you have no confidence in the memories which you do have, if those special or important moments which go to grounding you, offering you belonging and security are not fully grasped or are lost along the way, where is your grounding?

How do you maintain and strengthen or build on relationships? How do you maintain and strengthen or build on healthy, normal, long-term relationships?

With anyone?  Including yourself?

 

 

 

 

Tagism can be so very wrong – whatever way you look at it!

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, mental health stigma, Mental Illness, Mental Illness Stigma, Stigma

Tagism –

A new modern disease often seen on social networks, especially Facebook in which people tag each other in photos,videos or notes frequently.

The above quote is taken from the Urban Dictionary and defines tagism as a ‘modern disease’. But is it? I mean really?

Of course the Facebook connection is fairly recent and of course we probably all knew what the definition was talking about the minute we saw that connection.

It’s when people stick tags or labels referring to us on the pictures they choose to put up. It’s a way of getting to us and bringing our attention to their pictures. And, let’s be honest here, sometimes – even very often – their pictures aren’t really of us and aren’t even funny.

I wonder, do you have any problems with the explanation that I have given so far? Does it all make sense? Seem to fit?

In my previous posts, I have sometimes referred to the way that I seem to see things slightly differently and often make connections which can go unnoticed by a lot of folk. So when I chose the above title ‘Tagism can be so very wrong – whatever way you look at it!’ I did so for a very deliberate reason and with this in mind.

So let’s look at ‘tagism’ a different way and then look again at the explanation I have written above. Let’s rearrange the letters for a moment.

Of course I am not suggesting for one minute that tagging pictures on Facebook causes stigma.  But I am drawing attention to the fact that just like tagging on Facebook Stigma is a form of labeling and both are done to us.

Let’s look again at the seemingly innocuous explanation of tagism  that I wrote above and see how sinister it becomes when we apply it to stigma.

“It’s when people stick tags or labels referring to us on the pictures they choose to put up.”  Isn’t that at the very core of stigma?  Doesn’t stigma often result from the pictures that other people have chosen to put up in their mind?  Pictures that are all too often wrong, inappropriate and unjust?

“It’s a way of getting to us and bringing our attention to their pictures.”  When does stigma present itself?  Isn’t it when others want to ‘get to’ someone?  When they want to hit out, to attack?  And doesn’t it always simply draw attention to the picture that they have chosen to put up in their mind?

“And, let’s be honest here, sometimes – even very often – their pictures aren’t really of us”  Isn’t that one of the tragic realities of it all?  That very often the picture – the understanding (or lack of understanding, which is sadly all to often the case) – that they put up in their mind, nearly always bears little to no resemblance to us?

“and aren’t even funny“.  And isn’t that also the cold hard reality of it all isn’t it?  There is nothing big, clever or humorous about it!

Stigma is unhealthy, unjust, uneducated.  Its ignorant, inappropriate, and inciting. Disturbing, disruptive, and disrespectful.  It is damaging!  So very damaging.

And it should have no place in our attitudes or our hearts or our minds.  And it should have no place whatsoever in the lives of those it is all too often targeted at!

It is my fervent hope and prayer that we will one day stamp out Stigma and treat all people with respect, understanding and compassion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day 9

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Day 9: What are some of the important events in your life, that may have effected your mental illness(es) for the worse or better? (You can make a timeline)

Explanation and Apology

For some reason, when  I started this challenge, I didn’t go through the list of daily challenges.  If honest, and I do try to be honest in life generally and especially in my blogging, I was looking for inspiration to get back into blogging and undertaking this challenge seemed like a good idea.

That having been said, I did anticipate that some questions/subjects would be extremely difficult for me to write about and, guess what?  This one most certainly is.

My difficulty stems from three main areas…

Firstly, as I have often written about before, my memory is such that whilst I generally struggle with my long-term memory.

In truth some things I remember very clearly.  Other things it seems are more like vague memories – and their vagueness reduces my confidence in them. And yet other things I remember with clarity but struggle to know when they actually happened.

Secondly, there is the whole question of other people’s feelings.  I am acutely aware that for me to share some of the things which have happened in my life and which have affected my mental health I would have to share things which would bring discomfort or even distress to certain people – especially my family.  This therefore means that I have to be very careful in what I share and how.

Thirdly, I am very much aware that there is the danger of allowing bitterness and resentment – and even a desire for revenge to enter into the mix.

Something which I personally strive to avoid, where possible, and which, I personally believe to be more harmful to ourselves than to the person or people with whom we may have cause bitter or resentful.

And lastly, and just as importantly, there is the whole question of guilt and forgiveness.

In truth, and bearing in mind my previous reservations, I just don’t want to get into finger pointing or indeed causing any further suffering to those who have been guilty of causing me hurt or damage.  Their responsibilities and indeed their guilt in this respect is for them to deal with.  But my forgiveness of said hurts or suffering is very clearly my responsibility and whilst the damage and indeed some of the scars (visible or invisible) may remain, I simply don’t wish to be a prisoner to any anger or indeed their actions any more.

For all of the above reasons, I have therefore decided to respectfully opt out of answering this question in any great detail.  And for that same reason, when compiling timelines for previous posts in this challenge I was very selective as to what events I included within them.

There have of course been many events in my life which have effected my mental health in positive ways.

My faith would of course be one of the greatest of these and is in the main (see below) a great positive and strength giver.

And listing these would indeed be very easy and quite a pleasure.  But then this brings me to a certain important reality which is often attached to this very subject and one which is, I think very worth while mentioning here.  And that is the whole question of ‘dualities‘ and ‘perceptions and perspectives.

‘Dualities’ and ‘Perceptions and Perspectives’

‘Dualities‘

Events can often have dual or even multiple outcomes.  For example, things which may at first seem wonderful can lead to tragedy and things which can at first seem tragic can lead to the most wonderful of benefits or outcomes.

‘Perceptions and Perspectives’

At times linked to the above, one of the strangest and often the most harmful aspects of my mental illness, and I am sure that I am not the only one who experiences this, is the way my varying levels of mental health can generate differing and often opposing perceptions and perspectives of something.

Things which I will naturally see as having a positive effect or a benefit when my mental health is fairly good can soon become a complete negative when my mental health (and especially the association depression) gets really bad.

One example of this, and in sharing this I sincerely hope that I don’t offend anyone is in respect of my children.

Having children is, without doubt, one of the greatest blessings in life but when my mental health gets really bad it twists things.  That beautiful, wonderful and inspiring blessing can be twisted into harmful thought patterns such as “they would be better off without me” or ‘what if I hurt them?’ or ‘what if I pass on my mental illness?’ or ‘look at me, I am just a burden to them.’

This twisting, this distortion or corruption can be very difficult for folk who do not suffer from depression (or poor mental health) to understand.  And it can be extremely difficult for the loved ones of those who experience it.

But trust me it is a very real and very harmful and disruptive aspect of some mental illnesses.  And let’s be very real and open about this, not only does it corrupt or distort our perspectives and perceptions but it can also rob us of all hope.

Conclusion

So there you have it.  My answer – for what it is worth – to today’s challenge.  I know it is probably not what some people may have expected but I do hope that it will at least prove informative and/or beneficial to some.

 

 

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Eight

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, DID, Distorted Perceptions, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred

Day 8:  What age you were diagnosed at?  At what age do you think your symptoms began? (You can make a timeline)

I have to be honest here and admit that today’s question/topic is one which really got me thinking.

Which, since my brain recently seems totally incapable of shutting or slowing down and letting me rest, started late yesterday evening and continued into the early hours of this morning.

One of my biggest difficulties with this particular question (as with a lot of things it seems) is that my memory just doesn’t seem to function properly.  Whilst I might – if I am particularly fortunate – remember events and key or important happenings or experiences in my life, actually putting a date or time frame on them can be much more problematic.

As a result of this I spent several hours creating a timeline in respect of my mental health using key events as memory joggers or point plotters.  Even so, in the interest of objectivity and fair play I have to admit (and add the disclaimer) that whilst the timings are, to the best of my recollection correct, I may be slightly off here and there.

So that having been said the question does call for an interesting comparison between when I actually received a diagnosis and when I believe my symptoms first began.  And for me, and I know from my involvement with the Mental Health Writers Guild as well as from conversations with other bloggers. that I am not alone in this.  I had been aware of my symptoms years before gaining a diagnosis.

Actually, in all honesty, I had been aware of my symptoms – albeit that I hadn’t at first recognized them or thought of them as ‘symptoms of actual mental illness’ – in my childhood.  Certainly as early as my mid childhood and possibly even before.  (Another facet of my memory problems is that I do not remember my early childhood other than one or two specific events).

In fact it wasn’t until my early teenage years before I started to formulate an understanding that what I had initially simply considered as me being ‘different’ might just be indications of mental illness.

As I have mentioned elsewhere, realizing as a child that you were somehow ‘different’ and that others seemed to react (often negatively) to those differences, generated a response of trying to hide those differences.  And this – coupled with a fear of actually being labelled as ‘mentally ill’ and all that this could possibly result in – led me to hide my mental health for a great many years.

It is also worth noting that this was many years ago now and our understanding of mental illness and mental health was not as good as it is now.  It is funny but as I re-read some of my old school reports and knowing what I know about my mental illness (and which of course they did not know at the time) I see the comments of my teachers and understand the reasons behind them.

The first three images are teacher’s comments and the fourth the Head Master’s comments from 1972 when I was 10.  The next (and fifth) image is the Head Master’s comment from the following year. and the others from 1973.

Continual lapses in concentration where simply seen as ‘day dreaming’ or just that – un-investigated lapses in concentration.  No one seemed to ever expect that they may be resultant from the dialogues going on in my head or from poor mental health and no one seemed to ever consider that the ‘clever retorts’ mentioned in the Head Master’s overall comment (image four) might indicate something deeper than a ‘smart-arsed’ or rebellious kid.  And I (and my backside) can personally assure you that my father only saw such behavior at school as ‘bad’ or ‘rebellious’ behavior.

No, as far as I can recall, the status of my mental health and indeed the possibility of any mental illness did not seem to be discussed (at least not in my presence) or considered throughout my early to mid childhood.  I had hidden my ‘differences’ and I had hidden them well.

My teenage years were a slightly different story however.  Although even then I was able to get away with hiding most of my symptoms.

Whilst unable to put a two or three significant events on the timeline that I have created – due to my not remembering exactly when they took place.  I do remember my self-harming starting at some point in my early teens.  I also remember a number of close calls and unsuccessful attempts to end my life.  Most of which happened outside the family home, but one – which I remember vividly happening within the family home when my older sister found me with a carving knife by my wrists.

Strangely, whilst I have a crystal clear (as if I could replay the dvd in  my mind) recollection of my sitting in a complete state in our kitchen, with a wet flannel on my forehead and my big sister hovering over me and making sure I was alright and calming me down. I have no memory or how my parents reacted to the episode.

However, I do also have a specific and vivid memory, although my mother doesn’t recall this and is therefore unable to help with the dating of the event, being taken to see a psychiatrist at some point in my early to early to mid teenage years.

I remember vividly our attending a local health center and being shown into a room and my sitting opposite this strange man sat across a desk from me.  I remember with crystal recollection the feeling of unease and mistrust which I felt concerning both him (the psychiatrist) and the younger man who was stood behind him.

I remember the fact that he (the psychiatrist – for the younger man simply observed and was probably just a student) asked me a series of questions whilst at the same time (in intervals of but a few minutes) rolling pencils (which were lined up flat on the desk and sideways on to me) across the desk, towards me, and onto the floor.

I remember deliberately avoiding answering the psychiatrist’s questions truthfully and deliberately not reacting to his rolling the pencils towards me.  I also remember studying the younger man stood behind him and noting that his shirt collar was dirty and his shirt in desperate need of an iron.

I also remember having a great deal of personal satisfaction when he announced to my parent(s) that whilst I had ‘issues’ my responses to his questions did not indicate any clear mental illness.  I remember distinctly the sense of pride I felt that I had out-smarted him.  Which given my unease and mistrust concerning him was understandable.

But other than the aforementioned specific incident any concerns about my mental health – which whilst I am sure must have been considered and discussed behind my parent’s closed bedroom door and at times when we kids were not around – was never really raised or discussed.

I have learned to, and to all intents and purposes had been successful in hiding my mental illnesses and this continued throughout my life until around the period 1994/5-1998.

The years between my early to mid teenage and this point had been ones full of stress, secrecy, self medication, a bout of street homelessness, a period of self-medication through illegal drugs, reckless acts, manic or reckless spending, lots of hiding and even more secrecy and a great deal of avoiding and running from the potential fall out of things I had done previously.

I had renewed the faith which I had had all through my childhood and which I had discarded not as a result of any doubting the existence of God.  But simply as a result of the deep seated conviction that no-one (who really knew me – and after all God knows everything) ever being able to want me.  I had gotten married, had a wonderful son, started some wonderful relationships and friendships and was in full time Christian ministry.

But I was living a double life.  On the outside I was successful and very respected and yet inside I was a wreck.  I knew the truth, I knew I was living a double life and was on borrowed time.  And most of all I knew the fragility of my mental health and my past and I knew that past would soon catch up with me.

My ministry and client group brought me in regular contact with the local mental health team and mental health practitioners and I also had a family doctor who was also a friend and a member of the same church as me.  I began to open up with him about my mental health and he agreed to see me privately and to help me work through some of the issues.  It was only at this point did I ever truly receive any external indication of possible diagnoses concerning my mental health.

Sadly however, it was also at this point when the fall-out from my previous life caught up with me.  Unbeknownst to my wife and son (my son being but 4 years old at the time, I was a financial wreck as a result of my previous drug use, financial mismanagement and extremely reckless spending even prior to that.  The wolves were not only at the door, they were out for blood.  I could run, hide and avoid this no longer.  My marriage, my ministry, my family and even my freedom was at very real risk.  With the help of two wonderful friends from my church – who out of desperation I had finally opened up to and gone to for help, and by the grace of God (and trust me it had to be an act of God) I managed to avoid prison, begin to address my financial mess and most important of all I told my wife the full story of my financial mess.

And I have to say that my wife was wonderful about it all.   Despite all the lies and secrecy going back some thirteen years of our being together (seven of them as a married couple) she stood by me and helped me to rebuild my and thus our finances.

But even at that time I could not bring myself to open up about my mental illnesses and poor mental health.  I was frightened it would be one lie, one secrecy, one deception too much.  Additionally I was frightened that (if it got out) I would lose my employment and ministry and on top of that (if I am truly honest) there was my pride at stake.

But the fact is that once my financial state was out in the open and I was no longer able to hide it or from it or to avoid it, it did indeed begin to take a toll on my mental health.  Other circumstance also came into play and my employment and ministry ended and another began.

Part of my avoidance of detection of my mental health and part of my avoidance of the fall out from my previous financial recklessness had been our moving across country from our hometown.  But I decided that, since I no longer needed to run from my financial problems, we could move back to our hometown.  So having secured employment there, and in response to some health needs within my wife’s family we did just that.

But the truth is that I really wasn’t as well as I thought I was mentally and at the same time my physical health had for some time now also suffered.  Likewise, whilst the fact that my financial difficulties were out in the open did remove a great deal of stress we still had a lot of financial pressures.

All through my working life I had used my work as a way of limiting the amount of time I would have to spend with any one person and thus limiting the chances of anyone detecting my mental illnesses.  Additionally, my almost life-long sense of being ‘damaged’ and ‘not fitting in’ drove me away from enjoying intimate or close relationships.  Something which must have truly hurt my wife and family and friends and for which I am truly sorry, but just couldn’t express or reveal.

This in turn led to my taking on increase work loads and with the death of both my father in law – in 1997 and my own father in early 1999.  Both of which having tremendous impacts on me emotionally and mentally for varying and different reasons.  The inevitable happened and in late 1999 I suffered a complete mental and physical breakdown.

It was only as a result of this and my inability to avoid or hide my mental illnesses any more that I was referred to the local mental health team and only then (at the age of 37 when I actually got my first official diagnoses.

So why am I sharing all this with you?

I am acutely aware that this post (like a lot of mine it seems LOL) has been very long.  And I just hope it hasn’t been too boring or confused for you.  But I truly believe that it is so very important – when we consider mental illness – that we understand just some of the complex issues that can be associated even with gaining a diagnosis.  And indeed with a person who experiences mental illness even admitting his or her illness.

It is my fervent hope and prayer that by my sharing this others will be encouraged – or at least not feel so alone in their struggles.  And that those who do not personally suffer from mental illness or poor mental health but are reading this will be able to understand it’s effects a little better.

It is also my fervent prayer that we look more deeply and more compassionately and objectively at some of the behaviors which can be presented in childhood and without leaping to any conclusions or rushing to (potentially harmfully) label a child, will consider that perhaps his or her behavior is not just a lack of discipline, or attention, or effort, and not just ‘bad’ or ‘inappropriate’ behavior or ‘rebelliousness.

I also want to acknowledge and thank all those who have loved and supported me throughout all of the above and to acknowledge that I do so very clearly recognize God’s grace in it all.

To the person who came up with this challenge (and you know who you are) I want to truly thank you for this question and the idea of creating a ‘timeline‘.  As I said above I have done just that and it has truly helped me.  And for those who are interested a pdf file of this can be viewed here.

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Seven

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships

Day 7: Do you think there are any triggers or patterns to how your illness(es) effects you?

Looking for and being aware of ‘triggers’ and ‘patterns’ which may effect our mental illnesses or mental health can, in my experience and opinion, be essential in trying to manage it.  Or at least doing our best to limit some of the fall out resulting from it.

For me personally, whilst I am very much aware of certain ‘triggers’ which may (and usually do)  bring on either ‘episodes’ or a more general sustained decline in my mental health.  When it comes to ‘patterns’ I have to be honest here and admit that I seem to be far more aware of ‘patterns’ as a result of a decline in my mental health rather than any patterns leading up to a decline in my mental health.

And whilst it somehow feels counter-intuitive (like superman announcing to the world how ‘Kryptonite’ effects him) openly sharing just what those ‘patterns’ and especially those ‘triggers’ are.  In the hope that it might help folk avoid those triggers themselves and other folk understand a little.  I am willing to do it.

Triggers

‘Triggers’ can, in my experience, come in many different shapes and sizes and the list of possible triggers includes (but not exclusively):- sounds, smells, sights,  tastes, and/or a combination of any of these.  Likewise, they can also include – a circumstance or set of circumstances, a topic of conversation or a specific subject matter.

Being mindful of my own triggers and very much aware that others also experience triggers, I came up with the following symbol and display it on any blog posts which I feel could possibly trigger someone when reading that post.  And I am delighted that many other bloggers have adopted the symbol and do the same thing.   And please be warned that I am displaying it here for just that reason.

There are for me certain triggers which will usually, but not always, bring on immediate ‘episodes’ and others which will usually (but not always) bring on longer more sustained declines in my mental health.

‘Triggers’ which, for me, will usually (but not always) bring on an immediate (thankfully normally fairly short) ‘episode’  include…

The combined smells of sweat and Old Spice Aftershave especially with the sound of leather cracking against itself.

Any sudden or unexpected reference to or appearance of (in films and television programs) any form of rape or abuse.

Any sudden or unexpected reference to or appearance of (in films and television programs) any form of self-harming.

Repetitive noises, especially shouting or screaming.

‘Triggers’ which, for me, will usually (but not always) bring on longer more sustained declines in my mental health (and thus my ability to cope) include…

Arguments and disagreements.

Confrontational situations.

Any time when I feel I have hurt someone, failed to understand them or caused them any form of offense.

Injustices.

Financial worries.

Sudden and potentially strenuous changes to routines or expected events.

Stupid mistakes which I may (and often do) make

Any time I find that I am failing to explain myself or communicate well.

Situations where I suddenly find myself unable to do something which I can usually do without really even thinking about it.  (I recognize and freely accept that with this one it is entirely possible and even likely that my mental health has already started to decline but when this happens I tend to fixate on it and speed up that decline I think.)

Disorder, untidiness or chaos.

A serious decline in my physical health and subsequently a reduction in what I am able to do and thus an increase in my frustration with myself.

Patterns

Patterns can be very important in both the diagnosis and the management of mental illness.  For example the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder will often consider the patterns of manic episodes verses depressed episodes.

But, since I live alone and since very often when my mental health declines I am often one of the last people to realize it (until I am at least coming out of that decline) recognizing patterns has been very difficult for me.

And so, as I said above, when it comes to ‘patterns’ I have to be honest here and admit that I seem to be far more aware of ‘patterns’ as a result of a decline in my mental health rather than any patterns leading up to a decline in my mental health.

I think that this is because the way my mental illness presents itself can (and often does) vary.  Just as the speed in which it presents itself and thus at which my mental health can declines can vary.

Patterns resulting from a general or more sustained decline in my mental health include..

A reduction in creativity (motivation, focus and comprehension all suffer)

An increase in disorder or untidiness. (Again, motivation and focus go)

A reduction in self-care (Bathing, eating, shaving, taking medications etc)

An increased tendency to isolate.  (A need to hide and for fear of worrying or offending anyone)

A reduction in communication with others. (Same as above)

An inability to focus.

Increased memory loss.

Fixation on minor details and often my own inadequacies.

And additionally the filter which can (and normally does) prevent me from actually saying out loud some of the things which the voices or thoughts are saying in my head can often fail.

I am very much aware that the above list could be read as a list of symptoms rather than as patterns (and certainly I would understand anyone being confused by this list).  But, as I mentioned before, I don’t see or recognize any patterns leading up to a decline in my mental health only patterns during and after one.

In fact the only pattern I recognize in respect of leading up to a decline in my mental health is that once a decline has started it nearly always happens!

When I was a boy my family used to play a popular board game called Mouse Trap.  In this game you would (at certain times) turn the crank which would in turn set off a series of events which would inevitably (providing you had set it up properly) end in the release of the trap.

That game is (in my mind and experience at least) so very true of my mental health.

And so very often I am not aware that my mental health has declined until the above pattern of symptoms presents itself.  And by then, of course, very often damage has already been done and the focus then becomes trying to a) prevent a further crash, b) to regain a better level of mental health and c) the inevitable needing to repair any damage done in the process.

And I think that is a very important point which is worth sharing and indeed highlighting.

One very real pattern which I have noticed is in respect of the damage that often happens as a result of a long period of poor mental health.  And indeed in respect of it’s impact on any recovery from that period of poor mental health.

All too often, my mental health seems to get back to a state where I am able to realize something has gone wrong and where I am able to understand or recognize that as a result of it other things – eating patterns, communication, relationships, the paying of bills – have also suffered.

Depending on a) at what stage in my recovery I make this realization and b) the level of fall-out or damage that has been done, I will then either continue my recovery as usual, experience a longer recovery process or indeed plummet back into a further decline in my mental health.

So there you have it.  My answer to question/subject 7 in the 30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge that I am currently doing.

I hope and pray that what I have shared will help someone and does in fact make sense.  To be honest – since we are talking about patterns and triggers, I have to be honest with you and admit that I have over the past few days/couple of weeks ( I really can’t be sure which) noticed the all too familiar pattern of my mental health declining.

Actually this post itself – which would normally not take me very long, I started at 8am this morning and it is now 12.30pm and I can’t for the life of me work out if what I wanted to say I have been able to say or if what I have said makes as much sense as I would want it to.

Recognizing ‘patterns’ and ‘triggers’ within our mental illness or mental health is, in my opinion, essential ad so having people in your life who will watch for said patterns and triggers can also be essential.

There can be, I think, (and certainly I confess to this being present in myself) a tendency – when we feel our mental health slipping – to isolate or to hide this from others.  This is probably as a result of such things as…

the desire not to worry folk

or to be judged

or do anything stupid.

As much as I recognize this in myself and am guilty of it, I think this is ultimately a harmful thing to do.  And o with that in mind and whilst discussing patterns and triggers (and since my brain seems completely unable of shutting down and letting me rest at the moment) I have created a Mental Illness Process Chart in respect of my own mental health/illness.  This (for those who are interested) can be found here.

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Six

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Day 6: Do you have a family history of mental illness or mental health issues?

Of all the questions within this challenge I have to be honest and admit that this one question/subject is the one where I feel that I have to be the most cautious in answering.

In my writings, whether it be in this or my other blogs, or indeed my books, I made a very conscious and deliberate decision to try my best to avoid directly or indirectly causing any hurt or discomfort to any of my family.

Whilst I fully believe, and will fully defend my position, that my mental health or mental illnesses are just that – my mental health or my mental illnesses and thus mine to discuss as I see fit. I do not want, in the process, to cause any offense or discomfort to any members of my family.

And since the question “Do you have a family history of mental illness or mental health issues?” is by very virtue of the question asking me to disclose information about the mental health or mental illness of others and not myself I do want to be extremely careful here.

So what then can I share, in respect of this question?

Well perhaps the following will be acceptable as an answer and indeed possibly help folk understand my reticence.here.

I was born into a military family in southern England in the early 1960’s. And if you think that mental health and mental illness still has a lot of stigma attached to it now, and that we still have a long way to go before we fully understand them, well trust me things were incredibly worse back then.

TRIGGER WARNING:

England was coming out of, but had still not fully come out of, a long and dark passage of very poor, often aggressive, intrusive and violent and totally inappropriate treatment of mental illness.

We simply didn’t understand mental illness and some of the treatments offered were, by today’s understanding and standards, simply barbaric.

The following film is one made by the BBC about Mental Illness in England just before, around and after the time when I was born. Understanding the actual dates of the treatments, circumstances and environments discussed in this film can be difficult. But as you watch this film (and I warn you it can get very uncomfortable to watch at times) check out the dates given under people’s names.

 

So, as you can see from the above film, whilst progress was being made concerning the understanding of and treatment of mental illness in England when I was born, there was still a huge amount of misunderstanding, mistrust, stigma and indeed poor treatment. The Mental Health Act of 1959 was a huge milestone in improving these things but it took years to fully implement and even longer for the public to truly begin to change their own understanding.

As a result of this Mental health issues were often, where possible, hushed up and either kept secret within families or even kept secret from everyone including the family. Something which is not surprising when you considered the environment and cultural attitudes of the time. Such as things like…

Folk with mental health issues being publicly ridiculed and mistrusted.

Folk with mental health issues still being locked away within asylums (as they continued to be for a good few years later),

Parents of children with mental health issues being considered to be responsible and often thought to themselves have some form of character or physiological defect which was responsible for said mental health issues in their child.

Consequently, having a child, like me, who suffered from poor mental health directly affected your standing within your local community. So subsequently children with mental health issues or poor mental health often seemed to be ‘whisked away’ either to relatives or to ‘homes’ or ‘special hospitals’ or other such institutions.

So much so that sometimes, when a child realized in his or herself that something was different about them, they very often did all they could to hide it or very soon learned to hide it. Even and especially from their family.

Something which, whilst on face value might seem difficult today to understand happening, or even being possible, it really was not so difficult back then. And trust me I speak from personal experience here.

Actually it really wasn’t that difficult as the understanding of mental health and mental illness was a long way off what it is today.  And so a great many children were simply labeled as being a ‘problem child’ or ‘troubled’ or even (and I promise you that this is a term which I heard applied to several other children during my childhood and youth) ‘educationally sub-normal’.

And all too often, any behaviors which were actually resultant from poor mental health or from mental illness were therefore simply labelled as ‘unacceptable behavior’, ‘naughtiness’ or ‘rebellion’.  And subsequently they were very often sadly dealt with according to those labels or understandings.

In truth, folk of my parent’s generation simply did not tend to admit to, and very often simply did not discuss, any mental illness within a family – even where it was evidently present. And the general ‘catch-all’ term and statement, “Oh he (or she) is ‘unwell’ and so the doctors felt that a spell away whilst they sorted out what was wrong and how to best treat it was needed.” was often used when any such inquiries made.

One such personal example of the kind of attitudes present at the time – which I am willing to share and which I do not feel will cause any offense or discomfort to other members of my family – is that my own father, at the time of my birth (due to pressures of his naval career and the fact that he was abroad and not able to get home for my birth) suffered from a temporary breakdown and was admitted to hospital and placed in a padded cell as a result of it.

But even then, as far as I am aware, absolutely no reference to this was ever made until but a few years ago (and remember I am 52 now) when I was discussing my mental health with my mother and asked about any possible history of mental health or mental illness in the family.

So, in conclusion and in answer to the question “Do you have a family history of mental illness or mental health issues?” My answer would have to be that very often, in my experience, the presence or history of mental health or mental illness within a family is very much hidden and not discussed.

And so yes, I am absolutely certain that, there is a history of some mental illness or mental health within my family but it was and still is extremely well hidden or ‘hushed up’ and I have little to no doubt that I and my family are not alone in this.

And here again we see a classic demonstration of the difference between how physical and mental illness is perceived.

Ask someone if there is a history of heart disease in their family and they will often openly and willingly share any that they know of.  But ask if there is any history of mental illness in the family and very often you will see just how reluctant they are to share or insistent they are that there is indeed no such history.

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Three

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy

Day 3: What treatment or coping skills are most effective for you?

Today’s subject (in this 30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge) is a very interesting one for me.

And once again it challenges me to think about the way in which I try to manage (and/or allow others to help me manage) my mental health/illnesses and the type and level of impact that it has on my life.

The question asks me to consider both ‘treatment’ and ‘coping skills’ which are or have been most effective.  And if I am truly honest I can offer very little in respect of ‘treatment’.

In my previous posts (within this challenge, and indeed elsewhere) I made mention of the long and drawn out journey that is often experienced before gaining a diagnosis.  And it is worth mentioning here perhaps – by way of encouragement to others undergoing this journey – that along side this (and very often coupled to this) there can often be a veritable roller coaster ride of different medications and treatments whilst they find the ones which are most effective.

Treatment

It is also worth mentioning – in the spirit of openness and honesty – that I personally am notoriously bad at taking my medication. And in fact – in terms of treatment (outside of medication) – the only other ‘official’ treatments that I have received in respect of my mental illnesses/health were many years ago and through…

a) the regular visits of a psychiatric social worker – who took me out and helped me to interact socially. and

b) a series of Cognitive Therapy Sessions which helped me to understand and come to terms with my mental illnesses.

That having been said both of these were, in my personal experience, extremely beneficial.

Which brings me to the subject of…

Coping skills.

For me personally, this is the most important part of managing my mental illnesses/health.  And over the years I have developed ‘coping’ several skills or techniques designed to (and fairly effective) in helping me manage my mental illnesses.  But in order to understand their benefits I guess I also need to give and indication of how my mental health works and also to identify the need or behavior which these coping skills are designed to address.

The way my mental health works (or indeed breaks) – according to your personal perspective.

I have long since recognized that I do not enjoy the same levels of mental health that many folk appear to have.  In truth the way my mind works and the impact that it has on my life has for as long as I can remember been different to my peers and other folk.  And in this I can’t remember a time when I can truly say I have enjoyed ‘normal’ mental health. (Although I totally struggle with the very concept of ‘normal’ mental health – but that’s a different rant for a different day perhaps.

What I do experience therefore is a baseline of mental health which ‘generally’ appears to be somewhat below that experienced by others and which at times either…

a) crashes into the deepest of depths of desperation and (self-targeted) destructive behavior,

b) enters into a state of chaos and confusion, and/or

c) encourages self-inflicted isolation.

These are – without doubt – the three most noticeable and most frequent results of my mental illnesses and are without doubt a fairly constant feature of my mental health varying only in the sequences in which they appear and indeed the speed and severity of their appearance.

So, in truth, my ‘coping skills‘ are designed to either a) limit the potential of these things happening or b) to limit the level of damage that they (or I as a result of them) can do to my life.

Positivity and Selectivity.

Over the years I have come to realize that negativity can, without doubt, have a very real and indeed a very harmful effect on my mental health.  Things which we are subjected to (or subject ourselves to) everyday can (I am convinced) have a very real impact on our thought-processes, moods, outlooks and attitudes.

Whereas some folk seem to have a protective layer over them which means that a lot of stuff simply doesn’t affect them I have come to understand that I am far more absorbent than that.  So I actively avoid negativity where possible.  I have in fact learned to be selective over what I allow to enter into my life.

This is in respect of many things, and I truly believe that you might be surprised if you sit and objectively consider what kind of affects certain everyday things might be having on your mental health.  I am therefore selective when it comes to such things as… The types of music I listen to.  The types of television programs that I watch.  The level of ‘news’ reports that I look at. The types of books that I read. The types of games that I play.  Even the content of social media that I allow myself to witness /see each and everyday.  And, I have to be honest here, the types of blogs which I follow and read. (Here’s an interesting exercise for you.  Do a positivity/negativity audit on the blogs and social media content you often read.  Consider how they could be effecting you.)

But the hardest of all of these, when it comes to selectivity, has to be the impact of those people who are part of our life – especially those closest and nearest and dearest to us.  In truth this one is the one I struggle with the most.  I am, I believe, very compassionate and caring and I want to be there for folk especially those who are suffering.  In fact, a s a Christian, the very faith that I hold so dear, requires me to be there for folk.

But, the plain fact of the matter is that some people can, by their attitudes and comments, be harmful to my mental health and I have had to be cautious, selective and realistic about allowing – or not allowing (as the case may be) harmful relationships to continue in my life and have (where attempts to explain the issues, address and change such relationships have failed) had to cut those relationships out of my life or at best limit my exposure to them.  Likewise I try to be very selective about taking ownership of some of the comments which can be thrown our way. Because they can also (as sad as it may seem) be part of the ‘stresses’ or ‘triggers’ which can affect our mental health.

Identifying Stresses and Triggers

Is, for me, another essential coping skill and is very closely related to the above section about Positivity and Selectivity.

There are, for me, certain subjects or topics, and especially (it seems) certain sites, sounds and smells even, which can immediately unsettle my mind and have a very real effect on my mental health.

One such example would be images or graphic details of self-harming.  These can immediately trigger very real and very unwanted and potentially destructive responses and thought processes in my mind.   But they are not the only things and are just one example of what I am talking about.  In fact, there are numerous stresses and triggers out there which can affect me.

So much so in fact that another example would be that I have to be very cautious about the kind of films that I watch.  And in fact I have even learned that, when I fall asleep watching the television, the content of television programs that I am listening to, if negative or violent,  whilst asleep or dozing off can seem to cause me to have nightmares.  As a result of this I generally only watch the comedy channel just before bed as I have come to learn that this is generally safe.

Order and Organization.

Would, without doubt, be one of the biggest coping skills that I have developed over the years.

One of the biggest impacts that my mental illnesses have on my life is the chaos and confusion that can often result from my mental health crashing.  Chaos and confusion which, it has to be said, often leads to weeks and even months of having to repair what has been done (or indeed has not been done but should have been done) during the period of the crash.  And by this I mean things such as – medication not being taken, bills and payments not being paid, relationships not being nurtured.

But it also goes so much beyond that.  I have also noticed that the less ordered and organized my life and my immediate environments (home, work area etc) are the more easily my mental health can crash and the harder it can be to repair things and get back to a level of ‘normality’ (there’s that word again) when I eventually come out of the crash.

Now don’t get me wrong here. I am not analy retentive when it comes to order and organization – although I do also have OCD which means I can be somewhat particular about certain things. But I do find that a neat and tidy house and work space does improve my mental health or at least reduce the effect other factors have on it.

Realistic and Objective Self-Assessment.

This, for me personally, has to be one of the biggest coping skills and indeed one of the biggest needs.

There is a conflict, which can exist, when we experience poor mental health.  The conflict between the need to cope, the desire to be independent and respected, and the desire to be reliable with the realization that sometimes we just can’t cope, just have to depend on others and sometimes are just not able to be reliable.

In the experience of my own mental illnesses/health, there is no one regular pattern when it comes to how it is experienced or presents itself.  And in truth, whilst I am fortunate enough to be able to cope and have a fairly ‘normal’ existence on some level or another most of the time, the ‘crashes’ can either be sudden or gradual.

So being self-aware (when possible) of my own mental health and being extremely realistic and objective concerning it can be essential to preventing a decline in it, a further crash or indeed to limiting the potential damage it can do.

And this brings me to the last coping skill I shall share in what has already become a fairly long post…

Openness, Honesty and Trust.

Directly linked to the skill mentioned above ‘Realistic and Objective Self-Assessment‘ the ability to be open, and honest about the state of my mental health has been essential to my ability to manage my mental health.

On one level even the ability to blog about my mental health has and is extremely beneficial to my mental health.  The thought that I might be helping others gives suffering my mental health issues some form of positivity, some resultant goodness perhaps. But more than that it also allows me to get to the ‘outside’ that which is or was previously trapped ‘inside’.  This in itself opens conversation and dialogue – which is in my experience in the main healthy and which can assist us in seeing our mental illnesses or the experiences resulting from them in different ways and from differing perspectives.

But on a much closer, deeper and more intimate level having people in your life who are willing to at least try to understand (that which very often we ourselves don’t fully understand) and with whom we can be open and honest can, in my opinion, be essential to coping (and even at times surviving) our mental illnesses.

And by this I mean open and honest not only in what we share with them but also in what they share with us.  One of the saddest and most detrimental (excuse the pun) effects of mental illness is the isolation that it can often create – either as a result of self-doubt, resultant lack of self-worth, the stigma that is all too often and all too wrongly attached, or because of the confusion and havoc it can sometimes bring.

Having folk in our life who are aware of, and whom we can share with is, essential and just as importantly folk who will not only try to understand but who will; support us, lovingly challenge us, inspire us, encourage us and also who will hold us accountable for our own actions and our own management of our mental illnesses and resultant behaviors is, in my experience and opinion absolutely essential.

I am convince that this objectivity which I mentioned above and which is directly in play here.  And on that note I end with this one thought…

In my experience and opinion, one of the most effective skills we can have when it comes to coping, is being able to a) recognize and admit to those times and those areas in which we are not able to cope and b) reach out to folk who will; safely, compassionately and realistically help us get to or get back to a place where we can.

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Two

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, DID, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts

Day 2: How do you feel about your diagnosis?

Well it is day two of my 30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge and since I only posted Day One’s posting very lat last night/very early this morning I feel like this is the second posting that I have written today.

But the truth is that I am very keen to try to do one of these every day for the next 30 days and so today’s posting is in line with that objective.

Today’s subject or question is “How do you feel about your diagnosis?” and it is a very important question isn’t it?

If I am honest (and certainly one of my objectives in this blog is always to be open and honest) I have mixed feelings concerning the diagnoses that I have received.

In my previous post I touched upon the difficulties experienced in even gaining a diagnosis and this – to some degree or another – has no doubt impacted my feelings concerning the diagnoses that I have received in respect of my mental health.

Having waited so long for a diagnosis (or set of diagnoses) which seem to ‘fit’ – or at least be readily acceptable to the most recent mental health practitioner in a long line of ever changing mental health practitioners that I have seen over the years – it (or they) are something which at least provide some form of identification, some form of label.  And for that I am grateful as it also means that I could personally research my mental conditions and disorders and gain from other people’s knowledge and experiences.  (After all isn’t that one of the fundamental reasons why I blog about my mental health?  In the hope that others may benefit from my knowledge and experiences.)

And yet that can appear a little strange can’t it? (As my mind seems to wander off down one of it’s many and all too frequent side journeys)  I mean, how many of us dislike having labels or being identified purely by a label?  I know that I do and/or have in the past!

There can be a conflict there can’t there?  A conflict between a ‘need to know’ and a desire to ‘not be known by’ or ‘limited by’ such a label or labels.

I am 52 years old now and the fact is that I truly believe (whilst I admit that cannot remember much of my early childhood) that I have experienced poor mental health or mental illness (depending on your preference of approach) for most if not all of my life.

Certainly, just like in my adulthood, I experienced in my childhood and youth thoughts and voices which seem to encourage me to think (and often to act) in ways which seemed so very different to my peers.  As an adult (and having a lifetime of experience and at least some understanding behind me) I have developed coping skills and management techniques to deal with said thoughts and voices and also have a very good support network to help me deal with my mental health issues.  But sadly none of these were available in my childhood or youth.

Why?  Well my being 52 years old is perhaps the biggest clue to the answer to that question.  I grew up in a time when mental illness was seen so very differently to how it is seen today.  (Although even today it seems we have a long way to go before we globally adopt a healthy approach and understanding of it)#

Children with mental health issues were (it is, I believe, true to say) seen as some sort of blot on the character of the parents.  They were seen as being damaged, defective, and the level of stigma which was attached to mental illness was incredible.

Additionally mental illness and poor mental health was not as understood as it is today.  For example, I am fairly confident making the statement that such things as ADD or ADHD were extremely rare and even unheard of back when I was born. In fact I think that it didn’t even become a recognized condition in America until the late 60’s.

Because of this I learned to hide or mask my conditions as best I could and additionally the resultant attitudes and behaviors from my mental health were sadly often seen (and trust me very much dealt with) as simple rebelliousness or  bad behavior.

I do sometimes reflect on past relationships with family or friends or the authority figures one experiences through my life and wonder how differently things might have turned out had I not hidden or masked my mental illness or had others known and understood them better?  In fact only yesterday one of the pastors of the church I attend, in delivering the teaching, made the following statement…

Many people arrive in the kingdom of God, who have experienced; great hurt, damage, rejection, trauma and some even devastation in their lives. Such experiences can have a negative outcome on a person’s life, leaving them impaired and hindered and stopping them from reaching their full potential.

And this statement (and indeed the whole teaching – an audio recording of which, if you are interested, can be found here,) led me to a lot of personal reflection.  But it is that conflict, which I mentioned above – “A conflict between a ‘need to know’ and a desire to ‘not be known by’ or ‘limited by’ such a label or labels.” which explain and make understandable my having masked and hidden my mental illness or poor mental health for so long and which still bring me to my mixed feelings concerning my diagnoses.

Yes, I have mental illnesses and yes these often impact of influence or even at times control the way I think or act at times but I am so much more than just my mental illnesses or poor mental health and I truly believe to allow others to see me, or even to see myself, only by those diagnoses or those labels would be so incredibly wrong and so incredibly damaging.

And this leads me to want to share the following videos from Youtube which speaks into this very issue…

Now let me be very clear here.  I personally would not go as far as the above video seems to want to go.  I personally believe that diagnosing mental health disorders in a person – young or old – can often be essential to providing them with the right medication, treatment, and support. Providing that this process is not allowed to become limiting or debilitating or harmful to that person and providing said diagnosis or diagnoses are not allowed to become restrictive labels!

And on that note let me share the other video from Youtube which I wanted to share and felt very relevant to this subject…

And I close (apologies for the length of this post – but I am extremely passionate about this subject) on this final thought.  I experience poor mental health and have mental illnesses.  They are, I fully accept, a significant part of who I am.  But I am so much more than them!  Likewise I am a Christian and that is very much a significant part of who I am.

Some people, it seems, are threatened or uncomfortable as a result of my admitting to my mental illnesses.  But then it could also be said that some people, it seems, are threatened or uncomfortable by my admitting to being a Christian.  And actually, some Christians are, it seems, threatened or uncomfortable with the idea that a Christian can even experience poor mental health or have mental illnesses.

But for me to deny either one would be a lie.

In truth I am truly sorry if my faith or my mental illnesses, and for that matter especially my faith despite my mental illnesses, threatens you or makes you uncomfortable.  But I invite you to look beyond your preconceptions and my labels and get to know me for who I am.  To look beyond the labels.

 

The Inside Out Disconnection.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Distorted Perceptions, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Harming

Sometimes, or so it seems to me, I have difficulties getting what is on the inside out to the outside.

Now, having just typed that statement, I freely accept that there are some – who know me beyond just words on a screen – who would be hard-pressed to believe I could ever struggle to get what is on the inside out into the outside.

In other words I accept freely that I am perhaps not always known for my diplomacy and tact 🙂

But what you see isn’t always what is truly happening now is it?

Indeed, for those of us who struggle with self-harming, one of the statements you will often hear in response to the question “why?” will be based around the need to actually “feel” something or “see” something tangible.  To somehow “feel” or “see” what is “trapped inside” actually coming out in one way or another.

And trust me that is a very negative web and thought process.  It really is short-term gain leading to long-term pain.

But for some of us who suffer with mental health issues that whole process of getting what is inside to come out to the outside can be a virtual minefield.

Firstly there is the whole issue of trust (or lack thereof) that is going on inside of us sometimes.

Do we really trust what we perceive to  be happening?

Can we really trust our own thoughts?

And even if we do trust them, can we really trust the person we are speaking with to actually understand them let alone respect them?

And trust me the severity or level of impact of such questions can vary according to what state our mind – or even our lives – are in at any given time.  Folk who, like me, struggle with voices and negative (often-times harmful) internal dialogues and who are therefore subject to stressful or difficult ‘episodes’ are far less likely to trust when in or when having just come out of such an episode than we are when things have been fairly good – And this is totally understandable isn’t it?

The difficulty is however, the more you experience such episodes the more they (and the resultant lack of trust) become the ‘norm’ and so that lack of trust can grow like a cancer in your life.

I found this wonderful illustration by an artist called “jollyself” over on the templates.com blog .

For me it so encapsulates the passion and yet the tragedy that is the disconnect that I am talking about between the inside and the outside for some of those of us who suffer with mental health issues.

In it I see both that disconnect and indeed the artificial, unreal, nature of how we perceive our own thoughts our own perceptions to be sometimes.

Over the past few days I have been struggling with these. Struggling to keep my mind focused.  Fighting to keep a grasp on the real and to not give way to those harmful, negative, self-sabotaging thoughts.

So why am I writing this post?

Is it because I am feeling defeated? Not not at all!

I recognize the struggle (and in many ways the need to express  and even explain – especially to those who love me and who will read this post – just where I am right now.

But I am certainly not yet at the point of feeling defeated.

Nor, just for the record, am I at a point of mania. Heck I am far to tired and physically weak to enter into a manic episodes right now.

No, I am writing this post right now because not only do I need to explain – to those who love me and who will be reading this post – just where I am at the moment but more importantly to try to offer some hope to others who may be going through such thoughts and feelings.

You see I know this ‘disconnect’ so very well. I know it’s methods, its nature and it’s potential outcome.  But what is more I know it’s lies, it’s falsehoods and its trickery. And what is more I know that it can be defeated!

The truth is that this disconnect, this break between the inside and the outside is not real.

It is a corrupted perception as a result of the thought processes my mind is throwing up at the moment.  And when that happens we need to cling on to the real.  To remove our focus from the unstable and focus on the stable.

As a mental health sufferer finding that stability can be so very difficult can’t it?

But I am a Christian and as a Christian mental health sufferer I know something which, someone who will always remain stable.  And that is the Lord.  And it is on the Lord that I build my confidence and my strength.

So if you, like me, are struggling at the moment – I encourage you to hold on – there is hope.  And I encourage you to pray.  God is bigger than our mental health and His love – through Christ His son – is so very real.  And nothing,  not even our mental health issues – if we truly call to Him – can separate us from that love.

 

 

 

To Look Beyond What We First See.

Tags

Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness

As a long term sufferer with Mental Health issues I have always been saddened by the ways in which people often react so negatively towards those of us who suffer with poor mental health.

Negative reactions which range from indifference to mocking and judgement and yes even ridicule and abuse.  I am fairly confident, as a mental health blogger, that most of my readers who they themselves suffer with poor mental health will have had first hand and painful experiences of such things.

The truth is that such reactions often come out of; nervousness, fear, ignorance, peer-pressure, and even unaddressed hurts within the person who is reacting in such a way.

In fact, one of the reasons for my starting this blog was to try – albeit in some small way – to share some of my own experiences in the hope that it might help others to understand.

The truth is that very often we only see what is before us and within the framework of our own understanding – but what if our understanding is somehow flawed or wrong?  What if beyond what we first see there is so much more?

It is worth thinking about isn’t it?

How about checking out this wonderful story in the following video.  And as you do so, how about spending a few minutes reflecting on how much more we would understand if we simply learned to look beyond what we first see.

 

 

Days of The Crows!

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships

Courtesy of my-walls.net no copyright infringement intended. —

I found this picture over at my-walls.net and it really is appropriate for this post 🙂

Whilst a different location and indeed not a photo I myself have taken it is very similar of a scene that I know so very well.  A group (or murder) of crows suddenly flying up out of a field.

Look out of my study window and across the road you will see a field (although not as pretty as the one in the photo) and very often there are crows in that field.  They sit, walk, peck and feed on it quite contentedly.

Not many people really know they are there (except the field itself of course) until there is a sudden noise (kids shouting or a car back-firing) and suddenly they all rise up, en-mass, at hover in frantic flight, cawing as they do so!

Like I said, it is a scene that I know so very well!  But not only in reality also within my head where my mind is the field and the crows are the voices that I hear.

Voices which not many people know they are there except my mind of course on which they continually sit, walk, peck and feed quite contentedly.

But for these dark hallucinatory birds of vocal accusations and ridicule to take frantic flight en-mass there needs be no sudden loud noise just arguments, unjust criticism, false accusations, illogical misunderstandings.

© Voicesofglass.com/K.A.Deane 2013 —

It started with an innocent comment made by a fellow blogger, then came an accusation made in email and the ensuing discussions where the truth finally came out, followed by yet another understanding and folk assuming and then accusing me of feeling and reacting totally differently to how I actually was.

But these things happen don’t they? Misunderstandings, incorrect assumptions, insensitive behavior?  And in truth, whilst we might do all we can to reduce them,  we cannot stop them.

Much like the voices – those sinister black crows which take frantic flight and hover and caw for days to follow – these things will happen.

Courtesy of wall321.com no copyright infringement intended. –

Trust me, if I had a gun and the necessary ammunition, I would shoot each and everyone of the voices, those crows – out of my life, my mind.

And yet we do in some ways have that gun and the necessary ammunition don’t we?  We have the truth and rational thinking and whilst this may not completely rid us of our crows (the voices) they can reduce them and come against them. (2 Corinthians 10:5)

Courtesy of tn disckerson diaries over at blogspot, no copyright infringement intended.

Of course we don’t all suffer with schizophrenic voices do we?  But we do all to some degree or another have internal dialogues going on don’t we?  And we all do, generally speaking,  have access to the truth and to rational thinking.

So yes it may have been a difficult few days, days of the crows, but I , for one am getting my ammunition and am going to be looking forward to clearer skies 🙂

When You Are One of The Toys Thrown Out of The Pram!

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Personal Journal, Rejection, Relationships

Sometimes in life we come across folk who seem to react instantly and badly to things that happen or that they think have happened.  Don’t we?

You know, those who seem to throw their toys out of the pram the minute something goes – or seems to go – wrong.

And the fact is that we have probably all, or at least most of us, done this at some time or other in life.

And in truth it is a behavior which we see in most toddlers.

Won’t they (and we when we were younger), at one point or another have done this – thrown their toys out of the pram?

When it first happens most parents will; bend down pick up the toy, brush it off/clean it, and give it back to the toddler concerned.

Sometimes, of course, the toddler sees this as a being fun.  So naturally they throw it out again, and often the parent will repeat the whole returning process.

But of course with human nature being what it is, the more this happens the more rewarding it becomes for the child and equally the more frustrating it becomes for the parent.

So the process reaches a point where the parent cottons on to the fact that it has become a game and so – not wishing to reward the child or encourage it and allow it to become a learned behavior – they simply warn the child (if the child is old enough to understand) or simply refrains from returning the toy to the child.

It is, I think we would all agree, a perfectly natural and common place event in childhood and parenting is it not?

But what happens when it isn’t a child involved?  What happens when it is an adult and not toys out of a pram but people out of a relationship? And what happens when the learned behavior is already their and that person – being discarded – is YOU?

I am, I think, many things to many people.  Different people see me in different ways and that again is, I think very natural.  To some I come across as very approachable and very caring.  To others – or so it seems – I come across as detached and uncaring.   To some the practical joker and yet others a very serious,  deep thinker.

Actually, I can even remember one time when I was standing next to a lady in church – whom I had known casually for some months but never ever really had a cross word with or any long or noteworthy conversation with – when she turned to me and said, “I have to tell you Kevin, you really scare me.  I just find you so intimidating.”

I have to admit that I was both stunned and somewhat surprised by the revelation and how it seemed to come out of absolutely nowhere.

I also have to admit that I was very saddened by that revelation.  After all, it isn’t as if I am some sort of Ogre 🙂

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that I am a big guy.  Actually a very big guy and I accept that my size can make me a little intimidating.

I also understand that the way my mind works I am often deep in thought and do on occasion – either as a result of my schizo-affective disorder or my Aspergers – sometimes respond more deeply (or conversely say simply things) which others would perhaps hold back on.

But none of these are intended to push people away or intimidate.  And neither of them demonstrate how deeply I do care about people.

Actually, I personally think that it is something that people often get very wrong about folk who experience mental health struggles and especially those of us who have Aspergers.  They somehow think that we just don’t care or do not have emotions on the same level that they do.

The truth is of course, – or at least in my experience the truth is – that they are very wrong and we do care – sometimes more deeply than others may – we just demonstrate it and process it in different ways.

So when something happens and someone gets upset and throw’s YOU out of their pram, closing the door to you and ceasing all communication it can be very hurtful.

Not least of all because it means that you can no longer show them the love that you have to offer and which in a lot of cases they actually need.

It is of course quite natural to say, “Well good luck to you then.  If you don’t need me or my love then who cares?”  But the fact is that deep down inside, perhaps under the initial hurt, we do still care don’t we?

And to accept anything else, to stop loving that person, to allow our focus to be on any hurt, to allow those hurt to become bitterness and to fester is unhealthy for them, for us and as Christians to our faith.

No, I am convinced that the truth is that when this happens our loving them doesn’t have to stop.  The only thing that stops is their ability to see and fully know how much we love them perhaps.

So instead this is when our love, which by now admittedly probably has a greater cost to us as we need to surrender those hurts,  needs to take a different form and to be offered solely in prayer.

And whilst it is true that prayer should have formed part of our love for them all along, it is in the surrendering of those hurts – in the heartfelt love and caring for the person who has caused us that hurt by rejecting us – which will also guard our heart against bitterness.

And that in turn allows our doors to remain open for when they have calmed down or seen things differently – perhaps more clearly.  And in so doing – to allow for the healing that needs to take place.

Why am I blogging about this now?  Well because a couple of days ago this happened to me.  A misunderstanding caused someone, someone I have known but a few days and yet already care so very deeply for, to throw me out of their life and to close the door on my love.

Did it hurt?  Yes very much so.  But as I have said, it is at times like this when our love must take a different form.  Why?  Because that is what love is and that is what I know God would want for and from us.

 

 

 

 

Acceptance

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

It’s a strange thing isn’t it?  Acceptance I mean.

I mean it is something that the majority of us actually want, if we are truly honest with ourselves and something that we seek in life.  To be accepted by our family, our work colleagues, our neighbors and friends.

It is also something which a lot of us, including those of us with mental health challenges, truly struggle with isn’t it?  To be accepted for who we are – even with our illnesses.

It hurts and unnerves us or unsettles us, even angers us when we are not accepted.  It seems harsh and uncaring, unjust and unfair when we are not accepted and can lead to a whole plethora of questions and soul-searching.  And let’s be honest here, it can be emotionally crippling when it happens can’t it.

“I mean after all, what is so wrong with me, what is so bad about me, what is it that I have done, that they don’t like me, won’t accept me?”

Do they sound like familiar questions, a familiar thought process to you?

Or perhaps you have reached a stage or place in life where you have asked these questions so often now, where those thought processes have been so present in your life that you have simply stopped asking them, simply stopped questioning?

Or perhaps your past experiences – your childhood or past relationships – were such where any self-worth that you may have had was crushed or taken from you?  Or perhaps worse still where you were never given any self-worth in the first place?

And where this happens what does it do to us and how we view ourselves?  And as a result of that what does it do to what we are willing to accept in life?

This question has been on my heart of late and I can’t help wondering how many of us are accepting what we think we deserve (as a result of the poor self-worth or self-image that we have formulated as a result of those bad relationship or lack of positive affirmation in the past) instead of fighting for what we need?

If our child was ill and needed medical treatment we would do all we could to get them the best treatment possible wouldn’t we?  Likewise for a parent were they to need medical treatment or for a loved one.  So why are we not applying the same standards of expectations when it comes to ourselves?

Destroying the internal dialogues of the past and changing the way that they affect us is not easy is it?

As someone who experiences poor mental health I think this is one of my biggest battles.  Add as a mental health advocate it is also a battle all too often present when folk share with me the things that are affecting them.

As a Christian – even one with poor mental health – I am convinced this is not how it is meant to be.  Not what God desires for us.  I am convinced that I, that we, need to combat these internal dialogues and thoughts, and I am reminded of some of the words Paul writes in his admonishment to the church at Corinth (2 Corinthians 10:3-5 NIV)…

³ For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

I am convinced that God loves us and wants the best for us just as any good parent would want for his or her child.

So that is my new challenge to myself and one I invite you to consider.  “to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

 

Try Looking At It Through My Eyes Challenge – Day 05

Tags

Challenges, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, DID, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts

Day Five – “Younger Self”  Write a letter to your younger self telling them the things you think they will need to know about when they are diagnosed with your condition.

Well I am going to cheat here slightly if I may.  The reason for my cheating is that actually I have already done this exercise.  It is an idea that I gained from reading something Stephen Fry had done and in response to that I wrote my “letter to a younger self” back in November of last year.  Wow that year seems to have gone fast.

So having already done this exercise I thought I would republish that last – which can be found here, – but add to it and highlight the additions by placing them in red text…

Dearest Kevin,

I know that you do not really know me and that this letter is going to come as a surprise to you.  And I apologize if it comes as a shock but hope that you will see that I had to write it.

To be honest, it is my sincerest hope that if you; get this letter in time, if you take time to read it, and if you truly take my words to your heart, you will never ever know me and never get a chance to become me. Not the full me at least.

You see, I am “you” or at least I am the ”you” that you have become many years in the future. It is confusing I know, but I so very much wanted to write to you telling you some truths that somehow we – you and I – have never been able to understand or accept.

Truths that I now, after years of struggle and no small amount of healing I now know and understand.

You see I know the thoughts and feelings that you (that we) have had for so long now. Thoughts and feelings of; being unloveable, of worthlessness, of guilt, and of shame and of being somehow damaged, even irreparable.

Yes Kevin, even now some forty years into your future I still struggle with these.

For as long as I can remember I too have heard and sadly listened to and believed those voices, those thoughts, those feelings that tell me I am not worth anything, that I am ugly, dirty, useless, worthless. Voices, thoughts and feelings that convince me, convince us, that we are not worth loving and that seeing as we are not worth loving that those who want to hurt us or abuse us can do so.

But you see those voices, those thoughts, those feelings are wrong, so very wrong.  And we have no right to listen to them let alone to believe them and I so desperately want for you to know that and to know it now before everything goes so terribly wrong.

You are so very young. Only ten years of age, and trust me I know how already things have gone astray in your young life and how desperately alone you feel.

When you slide into your bed at night and lay there unable to sleep, scared, and alone, desperately trying to face those thoughts and feelings and voices not knowing how to stop them, to change them, to heal them, I have been and am there with you also.

I know only too well, how much you try to hide the way you feel, the thoughts you have and the voices that you hear, from your family and your teachers, and those around you for fear of rejection or ridicule or worse. 

But I beg of you, dear sweet child, I beg of you to trust them (those who hold you dear) and to let them into your inner hidden shame-filled world. Because if you don’t, and trust me I am talking from experience here, it will go on to damage you and hurt you and destroy relationships that you should never have lost.

And even more than this, it will lead you to form relationships that you should never have begun and that will hurt and damage you even more deeply than I care to think of.

Kevin, dear sweet Kevin.  How deeply I wish I could be there with you to hold you, hug you, guide you and help you find the healing that you so desperately need and so deeply desire.

I cannot begin to place into words, knowing now what lies in your future and my past if you do not get this letter, the sense of urgency that I feel in trying to change the course of life that you are on.

I desire so deeply for you not to go through what happens to you both in your very near future and beyond it and for you to NOT make those attempts that I know are going to come to try in an attempt to end it all.  Not to mention those the decisions and actions that you take as a result of the misplaced feelings and beliefs that you mistakenly hold as being true.

Kevin, if you take nothing else from my words to you please, please, accept and believe what I am going to say to you next.  Take my words, hold them in your heart and never let go of them…

“Life IS WORTH LIVING because YOU ARE WORTH LOVING and what is more YOU CAN BE LOVED and ARE LOVED despite the way you feel.”

Kevin, I know those words are difficult to hear and even harder to believe. But take it from me, (and let’s not forget that I am actually you – just and older and hopefully wiser and more experienced you) these words are true and the thoughts and feelings and voices – those hateful, harmful, deceptive and malicious, lying thoughts, feelings and voices – that you and I are so used to knowing and believing, are all wrong, so very wrong.

Kevin, I have to close this letter now. I wish so very much that I could write more, share more, show you more. And yet even as I have written the words I have just written, I have come to understand that actually a large part of who I am (who we are) today is in part as a result of what I have been through and what you may yet still go through.

There are so many things in my life that I am thankful for, and trust me Kevin, so many wonderful things that you have yet to experience. Love, marriage, parenthood, your ministry and the faith that I know you already have and yet don’t fully understand or appreciate.

Kevin, please trust me when I tell you that I know the things that you have done and I know the secrets of your heart – the questions, the confusions, the conflicts and the victories. The joys, the fears, the wounds, the guilts, the dreams, and the hopes that are all present there held safe and secure within.

Admit the things you have done sweet child, and accept the love and forgiveness that is offered in return. Trust your family no matter how hard that may seem right now. But trust your heavenly Father more. Because the years of love shared with them that you may lose as a result of not trusting them now can never be regained. Trust me I have tried.

And above all else please, please, know that nothing is greater than God’s love. Not those voices, those feelings, those thoughts, nor the guilt, the pain nor the hurt. None of them, whether individually or combined, are or could ever be greater than God’s love or God’s love for you.

With much love and deep hope,

Kevin.  November 29th, 2011. Additions (in red) added December 12th 2012.

So there you have it my, albeit slightly amended, letter to a younger self.

As I said, I wrote the original version of that back in November of last year and I have to tell you that it was a painful experience then and (to a lesser extent) a painful experience now.

Did is serve a purpose then?  Does it serve a purpose now?  Well we are all different aren’t we but yes for me I believe it did and does.

As you will have possibly gleaned from reading that letter my mental illness had a direct impact on my young life and on the relationships that I did or didn’t form throughout my life.  But there is one relationship which it had a huge impact on and that is my relationship with God.

So many of the wounds, the fears, the self-criticisms and so much of the self-hatred that came as result of my mental health and in some part from my unsuccessful attempts to end it all even as a child,  had corrupted my perspective of my acceptability to God.  So much of the relationship I struggled with in respect of my own biological father corrupted an distorted my understanding of the father-heart of God.

As I re-read that letter, as I reflected on it’s words and sentiments I reflected on the lessons that I have since learned and the healing that I have been blessed to have received in these respects.  And in that alone it has served a purpose in helping me to affirm and cement the healing that I, that my inner child as received.

But there is, I hope, a greater purpose from this exercise and that i that if but one person – who is struggling with similar situations and hurts and fears – comes across this and benefits from it than it has been more than worth doing.

And that is my motivation and my prayer.

Try Looking At It Through My Eyes Challenge – Day 01

Tags

Challenges, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, My Eyes Challenge, Paranoid Schizophrenia

The other day I draw up, with the help of my daughter Nicky the above 12 day challenge and wishing to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak, I have been keen to take the challenge myself and to see how I get on with it.

Here is my response to day one’s challenge….

Day One – “She” (Or if you are male “He”) – Write a short story about someone who has just been diagnosed with your mental illness/condition and who is the age you were when you were diagnosed.  What happened, what were they expecting, what are their feelings etc?

He…

He sat in the taxi, not physically alone, for his wife and son were with him, but mentally, emotionally, seemingly even spiritually alone and he knew it.

Within the hour he would perhaps, most probably even, know what had happened to cause him to come unraveled, to become undone.

Unraveled an undone.  Yes they were good words.  Horrible, rotten, revealing, naked, vulnerable, bad words but good for explaining for describing where he was at.

Questions and comments addressed to him as they journeyed towards the psychiatrist appointment echoed within the chasms of his mind as he journey back and forth between the urge to escape, the need to hide and the longing to understand.

To understand the very thing that he had hidden for as long as he could remember. The very thing that had begun in and that had tainted his own childhood and now some 30 odd years later was tainting his own child’s childhood.

The secrets of his mental illness – hidden for the past 30 odd years behind a mask of confidence and capability –  had suddenly erupted, exploded, perhaps imploded, causing him to hide behind a closed bedroom door for the past 3 month and to steal himself from anyone and everyone even his own family, his own son.

As the car continued its journey towards the answers and his wife and son continued their conversation and comments of encouragement so too did his mind continue its journey into more and more questions and its conversation and comments of discouragement and of slanderous attack.

“They’re gonna lock you up”  “They’re gonna put you away”  the voices chanted and jeered. “All these years of running and for what?  Just to fail and end up where you have always wanted never to be!”

His thumbs traced the furrows of his palms, skating off of the film of sweat that somehow seemed to be there. 

“But I need to do this.”  He silently screamed at the voices.  “I have a son and a wife and they need me.”

“Yeah right” The voices screamed back “They need you like they need a dose of botulism!”

The car pulled to a halt outside it’s destination and he was helped out of it and led to a waiting room within the big old formidable house.

“Oh God,” his fears called out. “Will they see how damaged I am?”

The sense of panic was mirrored by the film of sweat on those palms he had been etching with his thumbs.  Lines and furrows now flooded with sweat just as he himself was flooded with fear and apprehension.

“What would they ask?”  “What would they ask his wife and his son?” “Would they even talk to his wife and son?”  “Would they even talk to him?” “Is there survival from this point on?”  “Is it even worth it?”  Still the questions came.  “What if they see the real me?” “Find the real me?”  “Heck I can’t even see, can’t even find, don’t even know the real me!”

He heard his name being called and stood up looking at the doorway from whence it had come.  “Is that the doorway to the rest of my life, or to the end of it as I know it?”  He asked.

He glanced at his wife and son, there encouraging, concerned and loving faces pleading with him to believe.

To “believe”?  To believe what?  He didn’t even know what he believed anymore an belief had been a part of his life for even as long as his torment had been.  “Did he still believe?  Still believe there was any hope?  Did that lack of belief speak of God or of him?  Even in the depths of the torment he had never had trouble believing in God, but always in believing in him in God.

His eyes lingered before moving once more from looking at his wife and son back towards that doorway.  How could he leave them, go through that doorway, and run the risk of not coming back? 

How could he not leave them, not go through that doorway,  and lose the chance to find his way back to them?

I think that is all I can write right now.  It’s long, I know that and I apologize, and yet how can you write something shorter and do justice to the myriad of thoughts and fears and emotions and torments that took place.

In truth is has not been a place, a memory I really wanted to go back to and I am aware that I am left more out than I have put in.

But what is most painful to me is the look on the face of my son during that time and other times, back then.  He was I think 9 perhaps 10 when this all took place.  I can still see the look on his face at that time and at other times when he tried to reach out to me in the world within which I was trapped.  But I thank God those times are behind us and that my son i who he is.

Of Retaining Control and Chemical Lobotomies.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Personal Journal

Well I saw the psychiatrist today.

I thought that since all I seem to have done over the past few weeks is complete the 30 day challenge each week and work on my books, it was time for a real and normal post 🙂

And today was, as I have mentioned my appointment to see the psychiatrist.  I hadn’t seen one since way back in June and so wasn’t sure what to expect.

Actually (and thankfully) the psychiatrist I saw was nothing like the one in the clipart above 🙂  Instead it was a female psychiatrist from the french part of Canada and she was extremely nice and very approachable.

I will be honest with you here. Sadly, as a Christian with mental health issues, there are two types of people with whom I have learned to be hesitant about discussing my faith and mental health in the same conversation.

Psychiatrist and some Christians.  And again sadly, I am sure I don’t have to labor the reasons why.

Go to a psychiatrist as some one who hears voices and share that you speak to God and three things will immediately rise.  Their interest, their eyebrows and their pen.

Go to some Christians as someone who believes in and hears God and admit that you hear voices and instant diagnoses of demon possession and the need for immediate deliverance will result.

But thank fully the psychiatrist I saw today, although having her own faith, did neither of those things and we were able to have a sensible cohesive conversation with each other which included aspects of my faith.  And trust me, since my faith is core to who I am, and thus no amount of help will be effective unless recognizing and respecting that, it was a welcomed change.

As a result of this I also fessed up to my struggles over my medication.  My memory and focus difficulties often mean that I would forget to take my meds – folk who know me well will know the struggles that I have with these things – memory, focus and taking my meds.

Subsequently on realizing that I have forgotten to take my meds I would then decide to deliberately not take my meds, believing that since I haven’t taken them and seem ok I must not therefore need them.

Of course the keywords in that statement being “seem ok”, and often I am not ok.  But I guess I am not alone in this and that others will be able to relate.

One difficulty is of course that in the past i have been medicated to such a degree that I am effectively being chemically lobotomized. Something I never want to experience as it affords no quality of life worth living and removes my ability to function let alone worship.

But we discussed this, the psychiatrist and I, and I have agreed to an increase in the dose of my psych meds on the condition that I retain control over whether or not I continue with the increase subject top giving it an adequate period of review.

I have to tell you, and I mean no disrespect to other psychiatric professionals here, but it is so refreshing to walk away from a consult actually feeling that you have been listened to and heard and that the primary purpose was not just the ticking of boxes and pushing of pills.

God is so good!

30 Day Challenge – Day 02.

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Challenges, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Self-Image

Day two of my 30 Day Challenge and I am up bright and early and sat looking at the screen, wondering what way to go with this one and asking the Lord for guidance.

Today’s question/subject (and remember I did not set the questions or subjects) is…

“Something you feel strongly about.”

My difficulty is that actually I do feel strongly about several things and choosing one of them is difficult….

As a Christian I feel very strongly about God and all matters relating to God.

As someone who suffers with mental illness I feel very strongly about mental illness and mental health awareness.

As a parent I feel very strongly about the Children’s Referendum happening here in Ireland today and how desperately wrong it would be if it was voted through. I truly believe that in seeking to give more power to the state it will remove some of the rights of the children to be parented and the rights of parents to parent.

But which one, if any, do I choose for the purpose of this exercise?

How about we talk about Family?  Yep ‘Family’ – it is such an important issue isn’t it?

Family

I am a Christian.  I make no apologies for it nor for the fact that it does in so many ways shape the way that I see things.  When I write, I do so as someone fully aware that my thoughts, my attitudes, my understandings are shaped by my beliefs and that not everyone holds those same beliefs.  And I absolutely respect the right of each person to hold their own beliefs just as I hold mine.

All I ask is that regardless of your personal beliefs you bear with me as you read through this. 🙂

‘Family’ has been so very central to the way in which we as a race has developed hasn’t it?  It is or should be, as children and infants, the very foundation of the security from which we grow and develop.

In all manner of species we see the same thing don’t we?  The young instinctively reaching out to, depending upon and finding identity and belonging in their parents.  Finding comfort, protection, belonging, guidance in their parents and their kin?

Isn’t this the way that it is meant to be?

Let me share a couple of scriptures with you…

Palm 68:5-6 in the NIV read…

“⁵ A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
⁶ God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.”

and  Romans 8:14-16 in the NIV reads…

“¹⁴ For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. ¹⁵ The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” ¹⁶ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.”

A “father to the fatherless“, setting “the lonely in families“, “for those who are led by the Spirit of God are the Children of God“.

Yes, I am convinced that ‘family’ is not only extremely important but it is also God’s design for mankind.

I am convinced, and have been for such a very long time now, that the very structure of ‘family’ is God-designed and God-intended.  And I would go even further as I am equally convinced that until we have fully understood the concept of family as God intended it we cannot fully understand God.

But of course we often speak according to our own experiences, and our own passions.  And often our passions are based on that which we have personally struggled with the most.

So, in the interest of that honesty, openness and candor (which I determined to make a constant feature of my responses in this challenge), I have to admit that ‘family’ is something I have always struggled with personally.

My biological family, most of them, are still living and I would not wish to inflict any discomfort or harm upon them.  Likewise in many ways they were no better nor any worse than most families, although certainly there were aspects of my family life which were extremely unusual and different to most when I was growing up.

What was different to most families however, was the fact that even as a child my mental health was not great. A direct result of which was that I knew that I was different and felt that I did not and could not belong.

Reflect for a moment or two, if you will, on those last words.  “I was different and felt that I did not and could not belong.”

I wonder what comes to your mind, comes to your heart when you read those words?

Are you thinking what it must be like for a child to grow up with those feelings, with that understanding, with that perspective on his or herself and on life? Are you remembering what your childhood was like?  The things that made you feel so accepted,  made you confident that you belonged, or are you remembering how you too felt as if you didn’t fit in, didn’t belong?

Or perhaps your thoughts are more recent, more current than that?  Perhaps you, like me, also suffer from poor mental health – after all there is a strong possibility of that since this is essentially a mental health based blog.  Perhaps you also know only too well those feelings and thoughts, that internal dialogue, of being ‘different’, of not ‘fitting in’ of not ‘belonging’?

As a human and a humanitarian I am convinced that no child, no person, should have to suffer these feelings, these experiences unless their own willful and deliberate actions have placed them in that situation.  And even then we need to be very careful don’t we?

As someone who suffers from poor mental health I know only too well how often these thoughts, these feelings, this internal dialogue, can come not from the evidence of actual reality but from the reality perceived as a result of that poor mental health.  But I have to ask, “What then do we do?  Accept that person’s perceived reality or try to understand why they have they perception and in turn increase the evidence of the actually reality?”

As a Christian, and one who ha suffered mental illness most if not all of my life, and one who has struggled with these; thoughts, these feelings, this internal dialogue, this perceived if not actual reality, I am convinced that this is NOT what God desires or intended.

It saddens me, truly saddens me, that so many of those whose blogs I read and who take time to comment and share on this blog have similar struggles that I do with acceptance, and belonging and with fitting in and with family.

But what saddens me even more, something which saddens me to my very heart, is how many seem to have lost out on experiencing true love and acceptance and belonging in God’s family.

I consider myself blessed, truly blessed.  I have had a lifetime of experiencing such feelings, such thoughts, such internal dialogues, of experiencing a perceived and sadly in some case an actual reality of ‘being different’ of where I ‘did not belong’, of where I ‘did not fit’.  But I have also had a lifetime of knowing God’s truth, His will and His desire in this respect and that in all of those I can ‘be different’, do ‘belong’, do ‘fit in’.

I consider myself blessed, truly blessed that I am now in a Christian fellowship where I feel and believe and where my perceived and actual reality is that I can be different and do belong and do fit in and am accepted. And I thank God for that and for them.

But what about you?  What about the others?  Those who still struggle with this and who have not yet found a family of believers where they too can belong, fit in, where there differences are not seen as an excuse to reject but a more reason to love?

I started this post trying to decide what I should write about when it came to something that I feel strongly about.  My faith in God, mental health, or in the way in which if we are not careful in our actions in the current referendum in Ireland we will, in my opinion damage and even remove a child’s freedom to be parented and a parent’s freedom to parent.

Reading back over this post I see that I have actually written about all three. But there is a deeper message in all of this isn’t there?  One that does include aspects of all three?

In writing about “Family” I have written about God as our loving heavenly Father and His family – the body of believers.  I have written about how my poor mental health and my mental illness – how mental illness and poor mental health in general – can seriously affect our experience and understanding of family and of God and His desire and will for us.

And even more, I have written about how our perceptions, our actions and the perceptions and actions of others can seriously damage and even remove a child’s right to be parented and a parent’s right to parent.  Our freedom to be loved of the Father, by and in His family, and His freedom to love us within His family.

Are we all not God’s Children?  If we are God’s children, if we have recognized Him as our father do we not have the right to be loved, to be parented of that Father?

If Christ, if God’s Holy Spirit is within us and we reject each other, are we not rejecting the Christ, the Holy Spirit within each other are we not removing our freedom to be loved and parented and His freedom to love and parent us within the family He desires for us?

I end this post on that thought and with one final piece of scripture and a video to watch and listen to as you reflect on that scripture. And I end this post giving thanks not only for the personal struggles I have experienced in this respect but for the truth that has remained with me concerning His will and desire for us and thanks for the family that He has now placed me in.

And I end it on the fervent prayer that no matter what your experiences may have been you too will find and know the perfect love of the Father and a family, His family, to truly experience and know this in…

^“31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. ³² All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. ³³ He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’”  (Matthew 25:31-40 NIV)

The Time Thief Revisits

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal

So it would appear that the Time Thief  has been revisiting me.

For those of you who are unaware of who the ‘Time Thief’ is, that is the name I give to the experience of suddenly realizing that whole heaps of time seemed to have slipped away and having no idea where they have gone or what you have been doing during that time.

If you are interested in poetry, I wrote a poem about this way back in October 2011 and you can read or hear (simply visit the link provided and click on the arrow) that poem here. [Apologies for the poor recording, I think I had a cold at the time]

So I woke up this morning and decided that the first thing I wanted to do (after the obligatory coffee in order to make the world slightly acceptable) was do a little ironing.

I had to help arrange for an elderly neighbor of  mine to go into hospital as he wasn’t doing so well on Tuesday and I noticed that he had some recently washed laundry in his washing machine.  Knowing that this would have smelled and gone mouldy by the time he returns, I took it home to dry and iron for him.   But having had poor weather it has taken longer to dry and I was feeling guilty for not having ironed it yet.

Putting the Television on to give me something to watch and listen to whilst ironing I was shocked and stunned to learn that today is actually Friday.

I have absolutely no idea where the week has gone.  Actually what is even more disconcerting is the fact that I have little to no idea what I have done all week or huge chunks of it at least.

I do know that I was busy studying all Monday and then went out to Bible Study in the evening and I do know that on Tuesday a huge part of the day was occupied with helping my neighbor and talking with his family.  I also know that I did manage to blog something on Wednesday and a friend came over late Wednesday evening but outside of those times I have no idea what I have been up to.

This really is most disconcerting as I know that there is so much that I really do want to get done and yet have done so very little of it.  I haven’t even been reading and commenting on other bloggers’ posts as I normally do and that is so very unlike me too.

Additionally I started responding to comments and writing this post over two hours ago and it seems that my mind has developed some sort of run ahead dyslexia this morning whereby I am typing letters all of out of order, even now whilst writing this.

This means that I am spending as much time altering and correcting typing mistakes here and in comments and text and Viber messages as I am writing the actual messages or words themselves.

A quick check on my meds – which are sorted and dated into daily sets for me – in response to just such circumstances tells me I haven’t been taking meds either. Not good.

Time to pray and to try find some order and sense me thinks.

And  on the positive side, which I always try to see, I am at least aware of it and can at least try to compensate for it and of course take my meds today.

Inexplicable Mood Crashes

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, DID, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal

Horrible aren’t they?  They come like vermin and steal from you.

Nearly always without invite and all too often without reason they just show up and wreak havoc and then leave.  Generally doing so leaving you confused, drained and very often anxious that they might return again soon.

Certainly that is what happened to me yesterday and I have to be honest it was so very tough.

Actually before this I was having a really good day. I had woken up early in the morning and had my normal cuppa before answering emails and then got on with some studying which was going very well.

Some very dear friends from my former Church text me and asked if I was up for a visit, which I of course was as I had not seen them for such a long time and always enjoy their company 🙂

Their visit went well and I then returned to some blogging and some more studying and then I went and rested and watched television for a little bit.

And then it hit me!  Bang!  The mood vermin descended
on me without warning and my mood crashed and with it my ability to think properly.

What happened for the rest of the evening I really couldn’t tell you.  I do know that I went to bed at some point only waking up much later and with my general mood and ability to think properly pretty much being restored.

I also know that sometime shortly after my mood crashed I received a text from a friend telling me that they couldn’t take me to church this Sunday.  This didn’t help my mood and mind crash any, but is perfectly understandable and I very much appreciate the times when they are able to take me to church.

At some point during what was to be a very unsettled night I answered emails and blog comments and as I said with my general mood and ability to think properly being pretty much restored.

I also know that I did shortly after this happened ask for prayer, and I am grateful for this and the fact that it no doubt helped.

Today I find that I am not quite right but way better than I was yesterday evening and I am of course so very grateful for that.  The anxiety that I mentioned which often accompanies such an episode is of course with me but I am keen not to recreate the same crash as a result of it. If that make sense.

I often talk about the little man inside my head and explain that he sometimes gets things wrong, suffers from insomnia, confusion and the such.  Last night, it seems, he was overrun with mind vermin.  Hm perhaps I will have to buy him a cat 🙂

How Do You See? What Do You See? Who Do You See?

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, DID, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, MPD, Multiple Personality Disorder, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Today (October 10th) is World Mental Health Day 2012.

It is a day set aside, as the World Health Organisation (WHO) states on their site, which…

…raises public awareness about mental health issues. The day promotes open discussion of mental disorders, and investments in prevention, promotion and treatment services. This year the theme for the day is “Depression: A Global Crisis. 1

But how do you see Mental Health and Mental Illness?

Are you scared of it?  Are you confused by it?  Are you embarrassed by it?  Concerned by it?  Repelled by it?  Perhaps like some you think it is a bit of a joke?

All of these reactions are normal but are they healthy or helpful?

Depression is just one mental illness and it affects more people than you would imagine. The World Health Organization (WHO) states…

Depression affects more than 350 million people of all ages, in all communities, and is a significant contributor to the global burden of disease. Although there are known effective treatments for depression, access to treatment is a problem in most countries and in some countries fewer than 10% of those who need it receive such treatment. 1

As I said, Depression is but one kind of mental illness and it affects so many people the world over.  But there are many other mental illnesses.  I myself am diagnosed with; Paranoid Schizophrenia, MPD/DID, Bipolar Disorder and Aspergers.

But I wonder, when it comes to Mental Illness and Mental Health, what is it that you think? How do you think about it?  What do you see when you see or read something about Mental Illness or Mental Health?

When you see some one who is obviously suffering from some form of mental illness, what do you really see?  The person or their illness and how it make them act or behave?

If you have never really thought about your attitude towards mental health, then I invite you to watch these two little videos and having done so to do spend a little time rethinking your attitude towards mental health and mental illness now…

These are two videos representing just two real-life experiences of the same illness.

It is worrying and understandably can cause some hesitation and nervousness in those who see this kind of reaction to the illness.

But I ask you… What do think it is like for those of us who suffer this?  Those of us for whom, when the effects of this illness subside for a little while and we have face the realization of what we have done to others and ourselves?

Mental illness and Mental Health is very real and very important, but unless we can look beyond the behaviour and see the person, trapped in that behavior we will never fully understand Mental Health and never find true comprehensive solutions.

Defying the odds

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness

A man walks into his doctor’s office.

“Good morning,” greets the doctor.  “How can I help you today?”

“I think I am suffering from depression or something.”  The man’s tells him.  “I feel low all the time, am on edge, irritable, have a constant sense of impending doom.  I think I need to see a psychiatrist.”

“Oh dear,”  The doctor responds.  “Have you tried being more positive?”

“Do you think that would help?”  the man asks.  “Because if you think it would help I am more than willing to give it a go.”

“I am sure it would.”  The doctor confirms.

“Good,”  replies the man,  “Then, I am POSITIVE I am suffering from depression or something. I am POSITIVE that I feel low all the time, am on edge, irritable, and have a constant sense of impending doom.   Now stop faffing about and refer me to a damn psychiatrist!”

I am not sure if I heard that joke, or a version of it, somewhere or I just made it up but either way it certainly has a ring of familiarity and truth about it doesn’t it?

Of course there is no disputing the power of positive thought but positive thought is not going to fully counter act chemical depression or other such conditions.

So, that being the case, do we simply give up and accept what is happening to us?

Well my answer is a very definite no!  Do I accept that some mental health disorders/conditions are chemical or physiological or run so deep that thinking positively simply isn’t going to address or remove them?  Yes of course I do but I have to believe that even in these situations positive thinking can and will is some way affect how they affect us and what impact they have on our quality of life.

Is that just psycho-babble or the desperate act of someone simply trying to get through? Well maybe that is true but what if it is?  Sometimes desperate acts are all we feel we have left aren’t they?

And here’s the deal.  I never asked for this mental illness and I may not have any control over the fact that I suffer mental illness, but I sure as heck have control over how I respond to it!

Last night was pretty bad and it hasn’t changed much this morning BUT I am not going to let it get me down.  I am so very grateful for all the messages of support and encouragement that I received either here, on Facebook, Skype, Viber or email and I am sorry if I caused undue concern for anyone.

But I promise you I am ok and I will beat this thing!

I still have my faith, I still have my mischievous nature, I still have my sense of humor and I am blessed with a great deal of support.  All of which gives me so much strength and all of which are a very real life-line for me.

So today I am thinking positively and today I am mooning my mental health and saying, “ok you can knock me down, but you will never beat me!”

Overcast With A Forecast of Inclement Weather.

Tags

& M.E., Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar DIsorder and Sleep, CFIDS, CFS, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts

If I had to describe my current mental health status using weather terms that would be the description that I would currently use as it is the most fitting that I could think of at this time.

“Overcast with a forecast of inclement weather”

Not a very positive report I know.  But then I like to keep things real and I am acutely aware of my mental health and how it affects me and as I said, I couldn’t think of a more accurately descriptive report.

The thing is that whilst it give some information about what is happening right now and indeed does carry with it some warning of what is likely to come it doesn’t commit to anything too specific.  Does it say tornadoes, hurricanes, whirlwinds, gales, etc?  No.  It just says that what is to come is likely to be stormy, tempestuous and severe.

The thing is that I just don’t know what is to come. I just know how I am at the moment – hence the “overcast” statement and I just know what feeling like this, being like this, normally leads to.

But we all get times like this don’t we?  Times when we feel that there is little to no sunshine in our lives or even on the immediate horizon?  Times when, for no apparent reason we get a sense of impending doom?

I mean surely those things, those feelings, those thought processes, are not unique to those of us who suffer from poor mental health or with mental illness?  No of course they aren’t but here’s the deal.

When you do suffer from poor mental health or from mental illness, and know how that poor mental health or mental illness plays out in your life, those feelings – those thought processes, are usually far more accurate and are usually indicators that all is not right within and trouble is indeed in store.

Sadly, what they don’t often come with is specific indications as to just what kind of inclement mental health weather is to come.

Physically I am run down at the moment and, as the trip to the doctor today has confirmed I have indeed had flu for the past few weeks and on top of that also have a sinus infection.

I am very much aware of this and I am very much aware that this is affecting my overall poor physical health, sleep patterns and general mental health.  LIkewise I am also aware that one of the conditions that I suffer from is paranoid schizophrenia.  Impending doom and paranoia are close relatives in my experience and I also need to bear that in mind.

But I find myself extremely agitated an anxious at the moment and I find myself very much on edge.  I want to sleep and hope the whole thing goes away, but know that sleep avoids me once again.

I want to reason this whole thing out with logic but find myself in that heelish place where I can reason enough to work out things are not right but not so much that I can reason my way beyond that or out of that.  I dislike this particular place of confused and impaired mental agility and in response to that comes the temptation to self-medicate to such a degree where reason is no longer possible. But then isn’t that what the voices want?

My faith of course assures me that I will get through this and yet that same faith and assurance condemns me to go through it and not to give in.

 

 

Why ‘D I D’ I Do That?

Tags

DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Illness, MPD, Multiple Personality Disorder

Possible Trigger warning…

Ok so it happened again some time last night or early this morning.  I suddenly realized I was outside in my garden in the middle of a thunder and lightning storm wearing just my Pj’s and soaking wet.

I have no idea how long I had been out there or how long the storm had been going on for, but I do know TJ my dog was very unsettled.

Recently I have found that I am ‘zoning out again’ and in more ways than one.

One way in which I zone out is by losing whole chunks of time.  I have written about this before and in fact even wrote a poem about it.  You can read it or even listen to it if you have a mind to.  It can be found either on this blog: ‘The Time Thief‘ or, if you prefer, on my poetry blog: ‘The Time Thief‘.

(I apologize for the sound quality but I had a cold at the time I recorded it and the same recording is on both sites. Hm, I really must re-record that!)

The other way in which I am zoning out is by what we call triggering it seems.  “Triggering” is a term applied to many things and indeed several things within the Mental Health field.

“What ‘triggered’ your last episode?”,  “Do you know what triggered this anxiety attack?” and “Do you know what triggers your depression?” are all common questions.  And of course sometimes the answer to the question is ‘no’.

The same is true when you have DID (or MPD as it is also known) and whilst those of us who have DID may well know some of the things which do trigger us – for me it is often: unexpected abuse scenes in films, NSPCC or Child cruelty related adverts, the sound of a leather belt being cracked against itself, or the combined smell of Old Spice and sweat, to name but a few – we don’t always know (after having been triggered) what it was that triggered us on that particular occasion.

All we do know (very often that is) is that we have triggered and indeed there are tell tale signs which we have learned to look for or be aware of…

A knife being left out with peanut butter on it, a cartoon based DVD left in the DVD player, crayons and toys (which I keep specifically for my littles) being left out, going to the bathroom and realizing you are wearing briefs or Y fronts even though when you got dressed that morning you put on your customary boxer shorts.

All of these are (for me personally) indicators of my having triggered at some point and that a little came out to play.   There are often less obvious signs when my older ones come out but certain books being moved, or left lying around, pictures having been drawn in certain styles or with certain subject matters, websites and music or quiz sites being present in my browser history number among them.

And then of course there are the more serious and concerning indicators. The results of having self-harmed and indeed how it has been done can be one of them.  And is always very disturbing when you ‘become yourself again’ and see it or (if it happened during the night) wake up to find it.

Or those disconcerting times when a house guest or one of your kids tells you that they heard you moving around in the night and when they went to investigate and check you were alright you were walking around stark naked or dressed only in briefs and carrying a teddy bear.

Yes these times can be most disconcerting and I am sure are equally as upsetting for the person finding a grown man who is built like an outhouse walking around in a state of undress and carrying a small teddy bear in the middle of the night!

Thankfully I live alone and so those particular occurences are few and far between and additionally what house guests I do very occasionally have are usually either family or made fully aware of my DID and the relative risks involved.

For those of you who are not familiar with DID or MPD I have written about it before – one such post is ‘When The Golden Thread Snapped – A Personal Look at Dissociative Identity Disorder‘ and you can read a little about it there or there are plenty of other excellent blogs and sites about it on the web.  But trust me it can be a very scary and difficult thing to live with.

I guess the most simplistic way of explaining it is to think of one of those old weather vane boxes/houses.  You have probably seen the type I mean.  You have a little house with two doorways.  Inside one doorway there is a little man usually with raincoat and umbrella and inside the other doorway is a little woman in a dress.

They are on a spindle and depending on the weather the little man comes out to the front indicating rain or the little woman comes out to the front indicating sunshine.  On neutral days they both stay in of course.

When I was but a boy my older sister brought one home from a school holiday to Switzerland.  I mention them because they are, in my opinion, an excellent (albeit very simplistic) way of visually describing DID/MPD.  Only one of them came come forward and be out at a time and that person being forward and out means the other has to be in.  So it is with DID/MPD.

Of course with DID/MPD whilst one person, (the core, central or host – depending on your terminology and personally I hate the term ‘host’) remains constant the other person can be any one of a number of persons depending on the DID/MPD and are of varying ages.

In terms of awareness the way it works for me is also very similar to the spindle effect of that little weather house.

When I – the core me – am out I tend for the most part (unless I totally zone out altogether as described above and in the Time Thief poem) to be aware of what is going on.  But when I trigger my others (or alters – again depending on your prefered terminology) have the awareness and I have none.

There are of course times or a point where (just like in our little weather house) both I the core person and the alter are interchanging and side by side and I often do have some memories of these times depending on how gradually this happens each time.  As I mentioned before it can be very sudden or seemingly even happen in my sleep.

And last night (or early this morning whichever it actually was) was one of those times when it either happened suddenly or when I was asleep as I have absolutely no recollection of how I got to be outside in a thunder and lightning storm 😦

Thankfully, apart from being tired and having the inevitable headache that often follows such episodes I am fine and no damage or self-harm was done.  The absence of any teddy bear or soft toy, plus the presence of pj’s indicates to me it was probably one of my older littles but I can’t be sure.  Although their having of put on some shoes might have been a good idea DUH!

Of course these things bring embarrassment and frustration – although thankfully I think it happened too early for my neighbours to have seen me – and the tendency to get cross with your alters and want to punish them in some way.

But I think it is important to remember that they haven’t had the benefit of growing and learning and understanding and have probably had their fill of being misunderstood and unjustly punished.  And after all there is a million miles between loving discipline and unjust punishment isn’t there?

So it is at times like these when I have to just be thankful that it wasn’t far worse and to hope that somehow they can learn and grow and that together we can heal.

 

 

 

 

 

When Demons Prowl as Tormentors Howl

Tags

Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Trigger Warning

It has been building up for weeks now. Or should that be it has been crumbling for weeks now?  Sometimes it is hard to tell isn’t it?  I mean whether the fog-filled attack is building or whether the strongholds of defense have been weakening?

Logically is it not true that it actually both are correct and that it is a combination of each of them?

I was holding my own.  Managing to stay strong.  Keep fairly positive. Pretend (at least to others) that it wasn’t as bad as it was.

But attacks come, sadly often from those who are meant to support and encourage you.  Those who are meant to know better.  Names that you are called in the heat of the moment and yet which cut with cold searing pain that lasts long beyond the moment.  Folk you respect and care for pointing out time and time again how it is your fault that relationships didn’t last or work out. How you were the one who failed.

It is the tragic irony of memory problems, well for this sad fool at least that I all too often don’t remember the stuff that I want to, need to, remember and yet can’t forget the stuff that it is unhealthy not to forget.

Like some retro vynal playing it’s scratchy echo over and over again in my brain the tormentors howl and with them the demons prowl.

Demons – memories and vivid flashbacks of experiences long since had and yet frequently, constantly refelt in the chasms of the nightmares.

Confusion that envelopes me and tries to consume me.  Yes you may have caused me hell in trying to write this but I will win through no matter how many mstakes i have to correct, edits i need to make.

Urges that are neither healthy nor helpful and which seek only to cut and scar and with each mark to  add guilt and shame to the already stacked deck of involuntary self-perecution.

Torments that replay the names called, the accusatory labeling of failure and add to them that others, all others, think these things of you even if they don’t speak them out.

But then that is what paranoid schizophrenia is isn’t it?

Temptations to ‘just let go’, ‘give up’, ‘end this farse’.  Are yes I know your name, recognize the shadow that you cast all too often, see you as both tormentor and demon.  Suicidal thoughts I know thy name and am familiar with your ways.  But you will not have me this night.  No not tis night.

I am tired, so desperately tired.  But I won’t sleep in your lair.  No but I will defy you in  your nest, you and all the other demons, all the other tormentors that come to me in the madness and the silence of the night.  Yes I will defy you, cut and scar all you like, mark me with pain and brand me with guilt I will find healing and cleansing and forgiveness.  Maybe not this night, maybe not this world, maybe not this life, but certainly in the next. And I will damn you by not rushing towards it.

The Gate of Tears

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships

Let me tell you about “The Gate of Tears…”

Many of you will know how blessed I have been lately to have had the opportunity to get out of the house for a change and to go visiting different places within Ireland – the country I now call home and which I love so dearly.

That is not to say I don’t still love my native and original country England because of course I still do.  As the numerous evenings recently spent viewing the 2012 Olympics and cheering on sportsmen and women from both of my home countries – Great Britain and Ireland will no doubt prove.

But that is the funny thing about ‘home’ isn’t it.  It is, as they (or I think more accurately Gaius Plinius Secundus did) say ‘where the heart is.’  And home  is something which I have been giving a lot of thought to of late.

For me to claim to be ‘a simple man with simple needs’ would perhaps be a little inaccurate if I am being truly honest and truly objective and in some was I am ‘a complicated man but with simple needs’.  I accept that and I accept that two of those needs are ‘home’ and ‘family’.

And yet am I so different in this?  Are these not two things which we all in some way or another yearn for – either in reality of experience or in expectation of what they should be?

They (home and family) are also, it could I think be argued, two things which we can sometimes take for granted.

I am blessed to have a wonderful home here in Ireland and not one but two, even three, wonderful families.  My biological family back in England, my adopted family spread across the world but mainly in the UK, America and Canada and my third family, the family of bloggers for whom I have such passion and love.

But what if life presented me with the need to pull away from and leave behind the home and family that I loved so much?

Let me show you a picture…

Pretty isn’t it?  The other afternoon Tony and I went out for a little drive in search of a fairly local castle.  I had heard of it’s existance but never seen it.  On our drive we passed a clearing in the roadside hedgerows through which I spotted this little stretch of the River Derry (above).

It was right next to this pretty little bridge (above) and anyone who knows me well will know that I love rivers and bridges and so we stopped so that I could take these photographs.

I also noticed this little engraved stone (below) and the heading on it interested me greatly.

‘Gate of Tears’ the inscription read and as I said this really interested me as we drove past it so Tony very kindly agreed to reverse up so that I could take a closer look and possibly photograph it.

What I read was truly touching and extremely beautiful…

The years are 1845-1847 and terrible destruction had hit Ireland due to a great famine as a result of the potato blight.  So much devastation was brought to this beautiful country that many were forced to leave the homes and family behind and emigrate to England and especially America in order to find hope of surviving.

This stone marked the spot where many of those “emigrants from Clenegal Parish had their last view of their native valley and the Wicklow Hills, here too they made their final goodbye to their relatives.”

There is a chilling beauty in those words isn’t there?  As I said, they really touched me and I suspect they will touch you too.

As I said before, I am blessed.  In truth I have never experienced such a famine and in truth I probably never will, despite how the world’s economy seems to be going.

And as I said before I have a wonderful home and two, even three wonderful families.  But has that always been the case?

I may not have experienced famine but I have certainly experienced homelessness and I have certainly, in the past, left my family behind.

Mental illness can do that to someone.  It can cause you to do things other folk might never consider, to see things or perceive things in a way others seldom seem able to understand.  And it can seem to remove or place out of reach those things which we so desperately need to survive – assurance, acceptance, belonging, security, love.

Yes, many years ago when I was a young man all of those things seemed so very far out of reach for me and I left my home and family behind and went to live rough on the streets of England.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying they were not there, nor that they were actually out of reach, but thanks to my mental illness that is how they seemed and when something appears so obviously out of reach how likely are you to reach for it?

In truth I am older now, and much more experienced, and hopefully a little wiser. But even now I struggle to feel that assurance, that acceptance, that belonging, that security, that love which I spoke of.  I know of course that it is there and the rational part of me, the calm, clarity based, clear thinking and logical part of my mind tells me all those things are there.

But as much as they do, my mental illness and if I am honest sometimes the poor behaviour and judgment and comments and actions of others (and especially those they do and try to excuse through my mental illness) so regularly tell and show me differently.

As I said, I am older now, and much more experienced, and hopefully a little wiser.  And as I said before I have a wonderful home and two, even three wonderful families in my biological family back in th UK, my adopted family in the UK, USA and Canada and my blogging family stretched th world over.

When I read that stone my heart went out to those emigrants who left in search of hope and to their family members that they had to leave behind. As I write these words, my heart goes out to all of you and I hope and pray that you know how very special you each are and how important and essential family truly is.

As I said, I have never experienced famine but I do, as a result of my mental health, know what losing family is like.  No matter how hard it may seem, no matter how difficult the struggles, I hope and pray that not one of will let mental illness (or a poor response to it) be the reason to lose family members, or each other.

It is my fervent hope and prayer that our mental health will never be allowed to become our ‘Gate of Tears’.