It really is OK to struggle.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Harming, Suicidal Thoughts

“It really is OK to struggle.”

It has been a thought which has been going around – the spaghetti junction thought highway which is  – in my brain for some time now.

Well I say that it is a thought, but to be honest it kind of yoyo’s between a thought and a consideration. Leaping into a possible conclusion one minute and then crashing into a deeply serious and concerned question the next.  Do you ever notice how such ‘deeply serious and concerned questions often take on the feel – even the familiar vocal tones and inflections of authority figures from your childhood?  Or is that just me? LOL.

But I digress.  So yes this one has been circling around inside my brain (and if I am totally honest my heart) for some time now.  

And I can’t help wondering if poor old Mini Mental Me (pictured left) – he who is the keeper and filing clerk of all my thoughts – isn’t just about frazzled with this one by now.

You see different folk, most of whom really are so very well intentioned, have different ideas about this one, don’t they? Especially if, like me, you are a Christian and especially, like in my case, those ‘folk’ are also Christian.

In which case you tend to get a very specific and peculiar brand of responses and opinions on this particular subject.

“No, struggling means that you are not trusting.”  is one response I have heard a number of times.

“You aren’t letting go of something if you are struggling with it.”  Is another supposed pearl I have often been offered.  And I have to be honest here, I have mixed opinions as to both the validity and the usefulness of such responses – especially when it comes to mental health and mental illness.

And of course the whole “It really is OK to struggle” consideration gives light – well to the observant amongst us at least – to the fact that I really am struggling at the moment. The lesser observant amongst us – along with the too busy or too easily fooled among us – get thrown by the mask I feel the need to apply whenever in public or in company.

But masks get sticky and sweaty and uncomfortable and heavy don’t they?  And so behind closed doors, in the solitude of our own homes, we tend to take them off, don’t we?  And besides, perhaps keeping the mask on – even though seemingly essential at times – is a dangerous thing to do.

See I understand the concepts and thought processes, even the – often erroneously applied – scriptural instructions behind such opinions that I mentioned above. But where the struggle is – even if only in part – as a result of mental health issues or mental illness they belong on the ‘best not expressed pile’.

You see, on Tuesday last I did something different.  I let my guard down (removed the mask a little) whilst at the Psychiatrist.  Something which – I have to be honest here – I don’t usually do.  And the psychiatrist – who was someone I hadn’t seen before, (Here in Ireland you seldom see the same psychiatrist each time) was really caring and really compassionate.  And what is more he actually took time to listen and to communicate – which again is in itself a rare thing here – due to the pressure of demand that they are under.

And that simple act of kindness – that caring and compassion – has made the mask feel somewhat uneasy to reapply.  So much so that in a totally unrelated conversation with someone from church I even let my mask down and admitted the fact that I was struggling to them.  And now – and again let’s be honest here – here I am sat writing a blog post on my personal blog when I haven’t posted on here for some months now.

You see struggling doesn’t have to demonstrate or to be perceived as a sign of weakness. On the contrary, in fact.  Sometimes, and I cannot express this too clearly or too firmly here, it is a sign of strength and of perseverance.  Especially when it comes to mental illness and mental health related issues.

Yes I am struggling and yes – when the mask comes off and when the doors are closed and when solitude and I keep each other silent company within the echoes of the thoughts and voices – it is sometimes difficult to see any point in going on, or to actually connect with, take ownership of, feel validated in accepting and assigning to yourself, the reasons to go on.  But this is nothing new and this has been the case for a good many years now and this is a part of my mental health and this does demonstrate perseverance.

And yet here’s the deal about perseverance. It is an indicator of what you have been through and in  many cases still are going through.  It is a guarantee that you have made it this far. BUT – and this really is important here – whilst it may be a guarantee that you have made it this far and may well be an encouragement to go on it is by no means a guarantee that you will go on.

I need to act!  To take decisive steps to enable that ‘going on’, that continued perseverance.  And yes, to be honest, at this point, continuing perseverance is all I can even imagine being able to achieve, and even that seems a somewhat distant hope.

Over the past few weeks my strength, my resolve, has weakened and even at times – especially just recently – taken a battering. And at the same time those harmful, those sabotaging thoughts and voices have increased and intensified.     Even my kids, and those closest to me, have asked if there is something wrong or if I am upset with them.

Old harmful temptations echo from the past yearning to get reacquainted. Exit strategies – how’s that for a nice simple oh-so-modern and socially acceptable term or face for something oh so dangerous and sinister – seem even more appealing.

And yet still I know that I am not intended to face this  alone or to struggle alone in all this – except that is the other – often unnoticed – side of masks, isn’t it? They not only fool others and prevent others from getting in and hurting you. They also fool yourself into stopping others from getting in and helping you.  And they most definitely add to and at times create a false and negative or harmful perception of yourself.

As the title and my earlier comments tell you. I am convinced that “It really is OK to struggle.” but it is most definitely not OK, most definitely not advisable to struggle alone. And trust me, when it comes to mental illness and mental health issues, even your faith and that absolute belief that God will never let you down is somehow clouded from your view.

And yet can I truly allow myself to allow others to draw me out from what can – if I cut all the sugar frosted coating – only be recognised as the oh so old, oh so familiar “me, myself and die” mindset that has somehow secretly become such a part of me?

Somehow I have to.

So yes, “It really is OK to struggle.” but…

 

 

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30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Eight

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, DID, Distorted Perceptions, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred

Day 8:  What age you were diagnosed at?  At what age do you think your symptoms began? (You can make a timeline)

I have to be honest here and admit that today’s question/topic is one which really got me thinking.

Which, since my brain recently seems totally incapable of shutting or slowing down and letting me rest, started late yesterday evening and continued into the early hours of this morning.

One of my biggest difficulties with this particular question (as with a lot of things it seems) is that my memory just doesn’t seem to function properly.  Whilst I might – if I am particularly fortunate – remember events and key or important happenings or experiences in my life, actually putting a date or time frame on them can be much more problematic.

As a result of this I spent several hours creating a timeline in respect of my mental health using key events as memory joggers or point plotters.  Even so, in the interest of objectivity and fair play I have to admit (and add the disclaimer) that whilst the timings are, to the best of my recollection correct, I may be slightly off here and there.

So that having been said the question does call for an interesting comparison between when I actually received a diagnosis and when I believe my symptoms first began.  And for me, and I know from my involvement with the Mental Health Writers Guild as well as from conversations with other bloggers. that I am not alone in this.  I had been aware of my symptoms years before gaining a diagnosis.

Actually, in all honesty, I had been aware of my symptoms – albeit that I hadn’t at first recognized them or thought of them as ‘symptoms of actual mental illness’ – in my childhood.  Certainly as early as my mid childhood and possibly even before.  (Another facet of my memory problems is that I do not remember my early childhood other than one or two specific events).

In fact it wasn’t until my early teenage years before I started to formulate an understanding that what I had initially simply considered as me being ‘different’ might just be indications of mental illness.

As I have mentioned elsewhere, realizing as a child that you were somehow ‘different’ and that others seemed to react (often negatively) to those differences, generated a response of trying to hide those differences.  And this – coupled with a fear of actually being labelled as ‘mentally ill’ and all that this could possibly result in – led me to hide my mental health for a great many years.

It is also worth noting that this was many years ago now and our understanding of mental illness and mental health was not as good as it is now.  It is funny but as I re-read some of my old school reports and knowing what I know about my mental illness (and which of course they did not know at the time) I see the comments of my teachers and understand the reasons behind them.

The first three images are teacher’s comments and the fourth the Head Master’s comments from 1972 when I was 10.  The next (and fifth) image is the Head Master’s comment from the following year. and the others from 1973.

Continual lapses in concentration where simply seen as ‘day dreaming’ or just that – un-investigated lapses in concentration.  No one seemed to ever expect that they may be resultant from the dialogues going on in my head or from poor mental health and no one seemed to ever consider that the ‘clever retorts’ mentioned in the Head Master’s overall comment (image four) might indicate something deeper than a ‘smart-arsed’ or rebellious kid.  And I (and my backside) can personally assure you that my father only saw such behavior at school as ‘bad’ or ‘rebellious’ behavior.

No, as far as I can recall, the status of my mental health and indeed the possibility of any mental illness did not seem to be discussed (at least not in my presence) or considered throughout my early to mid childhood.  I had hidden my ‘differences’ and I had hidden them well.

My teenage years were a slightly different story however.  Although even then I was able to get away with hiding most of my symptoms.

Whilst unable to put a two or three significant events on the timeline that I have created – due to my not remembering exactly when they took place.  I do remember my self-harming starting at some point in my early teens.  I also remember a number of close calls and unsuccessful attempts to end my life.  Most of which happened outside the family home, but one – which I remember vividly happening within the family home when my older sister found me with a carving knife by my wrists.

Strangely, whilst I have a crystal clear (as if I could replay the dvd in  my mind) recollection of my sitting in a complete state in our kitchen, with a wet flannel on my forehead and my big sister hovering over me and making sure I was alright and calming me down. I have no memory or how my parents reacted to the episode.

However, I do also have a specific and vivid memory, although my mother doesn’t recall this and is therefore unable to help with the dating of the event, being taken to see a psychiatrist at some point in my early to early to mid teenage years.

I remember vividly our attending a local health center and being shown into a room and my sitting opposite this strange man sat across a desk from me.  I remember with crystal recollection the feeling of unease and mistrust which I felt concerning both him (the psychiatrist) and the younger man who was stood behind him.

I remember the fact that he (the psychiatrist – for the younger man simply observed and was probably just a student) asked me a series of questions whilst at the same time (in intervals of but a few minutes) rolling pencils (which were lined up flat on the desk and sideways on to me) across the desk, towards me, and onto the floor.

I remember deliberately avoiding answering the psychiatrist’s questions truthfully and deliberately not reacting to his rolling the pencils towards me.  I also remember studying the younger man stood behind him and noting that his shirt collar was dirty and his shirt in desperate need of an iron.

I also remember having a great deal of personal satisfaction when he announced to my parent(s) that whilst I had ‘issues’ my responses to his questions did not indicate any clear mental illness.  I remember distinctly the sense of pride I felt that I had out-smarted him.  Which given my unease and mistrust concerning him was understandable.

But other than the aforementioned specific incident any concerns about my mental health – which whilst I am sure must have been considered and discussed behind my parent’s closed bedroom door and at times when we kids were not around – was never really raised or discussed.

I have learned to, and to all intents and purposes had been successful in hiding my mental illnesses and this continued throughout my life until around the period 1994/5-1998.

The years between my early to mid teenage and this point had been ones full of stress, secrecy, self medication, a bout of street homelessness, a period of self-medication through illegal drugs, reckless acts, manic or reckless spending, lots of hiding and even more secrecy and a great deal of avoiding and running from the potential fall out of things I had done previously.

I had renewed the faith which I had had all through my childhood and which I had discarded not as a result of any doubting the existence of God.  But simply as a result of the deep seated conviction that no-one (who really knew me – and after all God knows everything) ever being able to want me.  I had gotten married, had a wonderful son, started some wonderful relationships and friendships and was in full time Christian ministry.

But I was living a double life.  On the outside I was successful and very respected and yet inside I was a wreck.  I knew the truth, I knew I was living a double life and was on borrowed time.  And most of all I knew the fragility of my mental health and my past and I knew that past would soon catch up with me.

My ministry and client group brought me in regular contact with the local mental health team and mental health practitioners and I also had a family doctor who was also a friend and a member of the same church as me.  I began to open up with him about my mental health and he agreed to see me privately and to help me work through some of the issues.  It was only at this point did I ever truly receive any external indication of possible diagnoses concerning my mental health.

Sadly however, it was also at this point when the fall-out from my previous life caught up with me.  Unbeknownst to my wife and son (my son being but 4 years old at the time, I was a financial wreck as a result of my previous drug use, financial mismanagement and extremely reckless spending even prior to that.  The wolves were not only at the door, they were out for blood.  I could run, hide and avoid this no longer.  My marriage, my ministry, my family and even my freedom was at very real risk.  With the help of two wonderful friends from my church – who out of desperation I had finally opened up to and gone to for help, and by the grace of God (and trust me it had to be an act of God) I managed to avoid prison, begin to address my financial mess and most important of all I told my wife the full story of my financial mess.

And I have to say that my wife was wonderful about it all.   Despite all the lies and secrecy going back some thirteen years of our being together (seven of them as a married couple) she stood by me and helped me to rebuild my and thus our finances.

But even at that time I could not bring myself to open up about my mental illnesses and poor mental health.  I was frightened it would be one lie, one secrecy, one deception too much.  Additionally I was frightened that (if it got out) I would lose my employment and ministry and on top of that (if I am truly honest) there was my pride at stake.

But the fact is that once my financial state was out in the open and I was no longer able to hide it or from it or to avoid it, it did indeed begin to take a toll on my mental health.  Other circumstance also came into play and my employment and ministry ended and another began.

Part of my avoidance of detection of my mental health and part of my avoidance of the fall out from my previous financial recklessness had been our moving across country from our hometown.  But I decided that, since I no longer needed to run from my financial problems, we could move back to our hometown.  So having secured employment there, and in response to some health needs within my wife’s family we did just that.

But the truth is that I really wasn’t as well as I thought I was mentally and at the same time my physical health had for some time now also suffered.  Likewise, whilst the fact that my financial difficulties were out in the open did remove a great deal of stress we still had a lot of financial pressures.

All through my working life I had used my work as a way of limiting the amount of time I would have to spend with any one person and thus limiting the chances of anyone detecting my mental illnesses.  Additionally, my almost life-long sense of being ‘damaged’ and ‘not fitting in’ drove me away from enjoying intimate or close relationships.  Something which must have truly hurt my wife and family and friends and for which I am truly sorry, but just couldn’t express or reveal.

This in turn led to my taking on increase work loads and with the death of both my father in law – in 1997 and my own father in early 1999.  Both of which having tremendous impacts on me emotionally and mentally for varying and different reasons.  The inevitable happened and in late 1999 I suffered a complete mental and physical breakdown.

It was only as a result of this and my inability to avoid or hide my mental illnesses any more that I was referred to the local mental health team and only then (at the age of 37 when I actually got my first official diagnoses.

So why am I sharing all this with you?

I am acutely aware that this post (like a lot of mine it seems LOL) has been very long.  And I just hope it hasn’t been too boring or confused for you.  But I truly believe that it is so very important – when we consider mental illness – that we understand just some of the complex issues that can be associated even with gaining a diagnosis.  And indeed with a person who experiences mental illness even admitting his or her illness.

It is my fervent hope and prayer that by my sharing this others will be encouraged – or at least not feel so alone in their struggles.  And that those who do not personally suffer from mental illness or poor mental health but are reading this will be able to understand it’s effects a little better.

It is also my fervent prayer that we look more deeply and more compassionately and objectively at some of the behaviors which can be presented in childhood and without leaping to any conclusions or rushing to (potentially harmfully) label a child, will consider that perhaps his or her behavior is not just a lack of discipline, or attention, or effort, and not just ‘bad’ or ‘inappropriate’ behavior or ‘rebelliousness.

I also want to acknowledge and thank all those who have loved and supported me throughout all of the above and to acknowledge that I do so very clearly recognize God’s grace in it all.

To the person who came up with this challenge (and you know who you are) I want to truly thank you for this question and the idea of creating a ‘timeline‘.  As I said above I have done just that and it has truly helped me.  And for those who are interested a pdf file of this can be viewed here.

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Three

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy

Day 3: What treatment or coping skills are most effective for you?

Today’s subject (in this 30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge) is a very interesting one for me.

And once again it challenges me to think about the way in which I try to manage (and/or allow others to help me manage) my mental health/illnesses and the type and level of impact that it has on my life.

The question asks me to consider both ‘treatment’ and ‘coping skills’ which are or have been most effective.  And if I am truly honest I can offer very little in respect of ‘treatment’.

In my previous posts (within this challenge, and indeed elsewhere) I made mention of the long and drawn out journey that is often experienced before gaining a diagnosis.  And it is worth mentioning here perhaps – by way of encouragement to others undergoing this journey – that along side this (and very often coupled to this) there can often be a veritable roller coaster ride of different medications and treatments whilst they find the ones which are most effective.

Treatment

It is also worth mentioning – in the spirit of openness and honesty – that I personally am notoriously bad at taking my medication. And in fact – in terms of treatment (outside of medication) – the only other ‘official’ treatments that I have received in respect of my mental illnesses/health were many years ago and through…

a) the regular visits of a psychiatric social worker – who took me out and helped me to interact socially. and

b) a series of Cognitive Therapy Sessions which helped me to understand and come to terms with my mental illnesses.

That having been said both of these were, in my personal experience, extremely beneficial.

Which brings me to the subject of…

Coping skills.

For me personally, this is the most important part of managing my mental illnesses/health.  And over the years I have developed ‘coping’ several skills or techniques designed to (and fairly effective) in helping me manage my mental illnesses.  But in order to understand their benefits I guess I also need to give and indication of how my mental health works and also to identify the need or behavior which these coping skills are designed to address.

The way my mental health works (or indeed breaks) – according to your personal perspective.

I have long since recognized that I do not enjoy the same levels of mental health that many folk appear to have.  In truth the way my mind works and the impact that it has on my life has for as long as I can remember been different to my peers and other folk.  And in this I can’t remember a time when I can truly say I have enjoyed ‘normal’ mental health. (Although I totally struggle with the very concept of ‘normal’ mental health – but that’s a different rant for a different day perhaps.

What I do experience therefore is a baseline of mental health which ‘generally’ appears to be somewhat below that experienced by others and which at times either…

a) crashes into the deepest of depths of desperation and (self-targeted) destructive behavior,

b) enters into a state of chaos and confusion, and/or

c) encourages self-inflicted isolation.

These are – without doubt – the three most noticeable and most frequent results of my mental illnesses and are without doubt a fairly constant feature of my mental health varying only in the sequences in which they appear and indeed the speed and severity of their appearance.

So, in truth, my ‘coping skills‘ are designed to either a) limit the potential of these things happening or b) to limit the level of damage that they (or I as a result of them) can do to my life.

Positivity and Selectivity.

Over the years I have come to realize that negativity can, without doubt, have a very real and indeed a very harmful effect on my mental health.  Things which we are subjected to (or subject ourselves to) everyday can (I am convinced) have a very real impact on our thought-processes, moods, outlooks and attitudes.

Whereas some folk seem to have a protective layer over them which means that a lot of stuff simply doesn’t affect them I have come to understand that I am far more absorbent than that.  So I actively avoid negativity where possible.  I have in fact learned to be selective over what I allow to enter into my life.

This is in respect of many things, and I truly believe that you might be surprised if you sit and objectively consider what kind of affects certain everyday things might be having on your mental health.  I am therefore selective when it comes to such things as… The types of music I listen to.  The types of television programs that I watch.  The level of ‘news’ reports that I look at. The types of books that I read. The types of games that I play.  Even the content of social media that I allow myself to witness /see each and everyday.  And, I have to be honest here, the types of blogs which I follow and read. (Here’s an interesting exercise for you.  Do a positivity/negativity audit on the blogs and social media content you often read.  Consider how they could be effecting you.)

But the hardest of all of these, when it comes to selectivity, has to be the impact of those people who are part of our life – especially those closest and nearest and dearest to us.  In truth this one is the one I struggle with the most.  I am, I believe, very compassionate and caring and I want to be there for folk especially those who are suffering.  In fact, a s a Christian, the very faith that I hold so dear, requires me to be there for folk.

But, the plain fact of the matter is that some people can, by their attitudes and comments, be harmful to my mental health and I have had to be cautious, selective and realistic about allowing – or not allowing (as the case may be) harmful relationships to continue in my life and have (where attempts to explain the issues, address and change such relationships have failed) had to cut those relationships out of my life or at best limit my exposure to them.  Likewise I try to be very selective about taking ownership of some of the comments which can be thrown our way. Because they can also (as sad as it may seem) be part of the ‘stresses’ or ‘triggers’ which can affect our mental health.

Identifying Stresses and Triggers

Is, for me, another essential coping skill and is very closely related to the above section about Positivity and Selectivity.

There are, for me, certain subjects or topics, and especially (it seems) certain sites, sounds and smells even, which can immediately unsettle my mind and have a very real effect on my mental health.

One such example would be images or graphic details of self-harming.  These can immediately trigger very real and very unwanted and potentially destructive responses and thought processes in my mind.   But they are not the only things and are just one example of what I am talking about.  In fact, there are numerous stresses and triggers out there which can affect me.

So much so in fact that another example would be that I have to be very cautious about the kind of films that I watch.  And in fact I have even learned that, when I fall asleep watching the television, the content of television programs that I am listening to, if negative or violent,  whilst asleep or dozing off can seem to cause me to have nightmares.  As a result of this I generally only watch the comedy channel just before bed as I have come to learn that this is generally safe.

Order and Organization.

Would, without doubt, be one of the biggest coping skills that I have developed over the years.

One of the biggest impacts that my mental illnesses have on my life is the chaos and confusion that can often result from my mental health crashing.  Chaos and confusion which, it has to be said, often leads to weeks and even months of having to repair what has been done (or indeed has not been done but should have been done) during the period of the crash.  And by this I mean things such as – medication not being taken, bills and payments not being paid, relationships not being nurtured.

But it also goes so much beyond that.  I have also noticed that the less ordered and organized my life and my immediate environments (home, work area etc) are the more easily my mental health can crash and the harder it can be to repair things and get back to a level of ‘normality’ (there’s that word again) when I eventually come out of the crash.

Now don’t get me wrong here. I am not analy retentive when it comes to order and organization – although I do also have OCD which means I can be somewhat particular about certain things. But I do find that a neat and tidy house and work space does improve my mental health or at least reduce the effect other factors have on it.

Realistic and Objective Self-Assessment.

This, for me personally, has to be one of the biggest coping skills and indeed one of the biggest needs.

There is a conflict, which can exist, when we experience poor mental health.  The conflict between the need to cope, the desire to be independent and respected, and the desire to be reliable with the realization that sometimes we just can’t cope, just have to depend on others and sometimes are just not able to be reliable.

In the experience of my own mental illnesses/health, there is no one regular pattern when it comes to how it is experienced or presents itself.  And in truth, whilst I am fortunate enough to be able to cope and have a fairly ‘normal’ existence on some level or another most of the time, the ‘crashes’ can either be sudden or gradual.

So being self-aware (when possible) of my own mental health and being extremely realistic and objective concerning it can be essential to preventing a decline in it, a further crash or indeed to limiting the potential damage it can do.

And this brings me to the last coping skill I shall share in what has already become a fairly long post…

Openness, Honesty and Trust.

Directly linked to the skill mentioned above ‘Realistic and Objective Self-Assessment‘ the ability to be open, and honest about the state of my mental health has been essential to my ability to manage my mental health.

On one level even the ability to blog about my mental health has and is extremely beneficial to my mental health.  The thought that I might be helping others gives suffering my mental health issues some form of positivity, some resultant goodness perhaps. But more than that it also allows me to get to the ‘outside’ that which is or was previously trapped ‘inside’.  This in itself opens conversation and dialogue – which is in my experience in the main healthy and which can assist us in seeing our mental illnesses or the experiences resulting from them in different ways and from differing perspectives.

But on a much closer, deeper and more intimate level having people in your life who are willing to at least try to understand (that which very often we ourselves don’t fully understand) and with whom we can be open and honest can, in my opinion, be essential to coping (and even at times surviving) our mental illnesses.

And by this I mean open and honest not only in what we share with them but also in what they share with us.  One of the saddest and most detrimental (excuse the pun) effects of mental illness is the isolation that it can often create – either as a result of self-doubt, resultant lack of self-worth, the stigma that is all too often and all too wrongly attached, or because of the confusion and havoc it can sometimes bring.

Having folk in our life who are aware of, and whom we can share with is, essential and just as importantly folk who will not only try to understand but who will; support us, lovingly challenge us, inspire us, encourage us and also who will hold us accountable for our own actions and our own management of our mental illnesses and resultant behaviors is, in my experience and opinion absolutely essential.

I am convince that this objectivity which I mentioned above and which is directly in play here.  And on that note I end with this one thought…

In my experience and opinion, one of the most effective skills we can have when it comes to coping, is being able to a) recognize and admit to those times and those areas in which we are not able to cope and b) reach out to folk who will; safely, compassionately and realistically help us get to or get back to a place where we can.

The Inside Out Disconnection.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Distorted Perceptions, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Harming

Sometimes, or so it seems to me, I have difficulties getting what is on the inside out to the outside.

Now, having just typed that statement, I freely accept that there are some – who know me beyond just words on a screen – who would be hard-pressed to believe I could ever struggle to get what is on the inside out into the outside.

In other words I accept freely that I am perhaps not always known for my diplomacy and tact 🙂

But what you see isn’t always what is truly happening now is it?

Indeed, for those of us who struggle with self-harming, one of the statements you will often hear in response to the question “why?” will be based around the need to actually “feel” something or “see” something tangible.  To somehow “feel” or “see” what is “trapped inside” actually coming out in one way or another.

And trust me that is a very negative web and thought process.  It really is short-term gain leading to long-term pain.

But for some of us who suffer with mental health issues that whole process of getting what is inside to come out to the outside can be a virtual minefield.

Firstly there is the whole issue of trust (or lack thereof) that is going on inside of us sometimes.

Do we really trust what we perceive to  be happening?

Can we really trust our own thoughts?

And even if we do trust them, can we really trust the person we are speaking with to actually understand them let alone respect them?

And trust me the severity or level of impact of such questions can vary according to what state our mind – or even our lives – are in at any given time.  Folk who, like me, struggle with voices and negative (often-times harmful) internal dialogues and who are therefore subject to stressful or difficult ‘episodes’ are far less likely to trust when in or when having just come out of such an episode than we are when things have been fairly good – And this is totally understandable isn’t it?

The difficulty is however, the more you experience such episodes the more they (and the resultant lack of trust) become the ‘norm’ and so that lack of trust can grow like a cancer in your life.

I found this wonderful illustration by an artist called “jollyself” over on the templates.com blog .

For me it so encapsulates the passion and yet the tragedy that is the disconnect that I am talking about between the inside and the outside for some of those of us who suffer with mental health issues.

In it I see both that disconnect and indeed the artificial, unreal, nature of how we perceive our own thoughts our own perceptions to be sometimes.

Over the past few days I have been struggling with these. Struggling to keep my mind focused.  Fighting to keep a grasp on the real and to not give way to those harmful, negative, self-sabotaging thoughts.

So why am I writing this post?

Is it because I am feeling defeated? Not not at all!

I recognize the struggle (and in many ways the need to express  and even explain – especially to those who love me and who will read this post – just where I am right now.

But I am certainly not yet at the point of feeling defeated.

Nor, just for the record, am I at a point of mania. Heck I am far to tired and physically weak to enter into a manic episodes right now.

No, I am writing this post right now because not only do I need to explain – to those who love me and who will be reading this post – just where I am at the moment but more importantly to try to offer some hope to others who may be going through such thoughts and feelings.

You see I know this ‘disconnect’ so very well. I know it’s methods, its nature and it’s potential outcome.  But what is more I know it’s lies, it’s falsehoods and its trickery. And what is more I know that it can be defeated!

The truth is that this disconnect, this break between the inside and the outside is not real.

It is a corrupted perception as a result of the thought processes my mind is throwing up at the moment.  And when that happens we need to cling on to the real.  To remove our focus from the unstable and focus on the stable.

As a mental health sufferer finding that stability can be so very difficult can’t it?

But I am a Christian and as a Christian mental health sufferer I know something which, someone who will always remain stable.  And that is the Lord.  And it is on the Lord that I build my confidence and my strength.

So if you, like me, are struggling at the moment – I encourage you to hold on – there is hope.  And I encourage you to pray.  God is bigger than our mental health and His love – through Christ His son – is so very real.  And nothing,  not even our mental health issues – if we truly call to Him – can separate us from that love.

 

 

 

Try Looking At It Through My Eyes Challenge – Day 06

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Challenges, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, My Eyes Challenge, Self-Harming

Continuing on in our Try Looking At It Through My Eyes Challenge

Day Six – “The Support Group”  If you could start a support group specific to your mental illness what would it do, what activities, what purpose etc and what would you call it?

I think if I were to start a support group, which I probably wouldn’t do in person for reasons of my ill-health and lack of mobility, it would be on the internet and in some ways this is what the Mental Health Writer’s Guild is all about.

But there are other blogs that I have started which are also intended to be of a support group nature and I find that I struggle with these.

Blogs such as “Resonate Freedom From Self-Harming” the name of which, I think explains it’s purpose.

I started this blog as the subject is such an important issue for me and yet I truly struggle in keeping this blog going and feel that I am failing somehow with it.

I sometimes write things for this site and then think no it is to graphic and so don’t publish them.  I am at a bit of a loss with it.  My heart says it is needed and will take off but my head says, close it down and don’t give yourself the grief.

Another blog/site that I run – also for the purpose of offering support and information is Christian Concern For Mental Health. Its purpose is several-fold but includes the support and encouragement for Christians who suffer from poor mental health or from mental illness.

It is still in the early stage and I am praying over the direction for both this one and for “Resonate Freedom.”  But support will, I am convinced, be a big part of each of them.

Try Looking At It Through My Eyes Challenge – Day 05

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Challenges, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, DID, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts

Day Five – “Younger Self”  Write a letter to your younger self telling them the things you think they will need to know about when they are diagnosed with your condition.

Well I am going to cheat here slightly if I may.  The reason for my cheating is that actually I have already done this exercise.  It is an idea that I gained from reading something Stephen Fry had done and in response to that I wrote my “letter to a younger self” back in November of last year.  Wow that year seems to have gone fast.

So having already done this exercise I thought I would republish that last – which can be found here, – but add to it and highlight the additions by placing them in red text…

Dearest Kevin,

I know that you do not really know me and that this letter is going to come as a surprise to you.  And I apologize if it comes as a shock but hope that you will see that I had to write it.

To be honest, it is my sincerest hope that if you; get this letter in time, if you take time to read it, and if you truly take my words to your heart, you will never ever know me and never get a chance to become me. Not the full me at least.

You see, I am “you” or at least I am the ”you” that you have become many years in the future. It is confusing I know, but I so very much wanted to write to you telling you some truths that somehow we – you and I – have never been able to understand or accept.

Truths that I now, after years of struggle and no small amount of healing I now know and understand.

You see I know the thoughts and feelings that you (that we) have had for so long now. Thoughts and feelings of; being unloveable, of worthlessness, of guilt, and of shame and of being somehow damaged, even irreparable.

Yes Kevin, even now some forty years into your future I still struggle with these.

For as long as I can remember I too have heard and sadly listened to and believed those voices, those thoughts, those feelings that tell me I am not worth anything, that I am ugly, dirty, useless, worthless. Voices, thoughts and feelings that convince me, convince us, that we are not worth loving and that seeing as we are not worth loving that those who want to hurt us or abuse us can do so.

But you see those voices, those thoughts, those feelings are wrong, so very wrong.  And we have no right to listen to them let alone to believe them and I so desperately want for you to know that and to know it now before everything goes so terribly wrong.

You are so very young. Only ten years of age, and trust me I know how already things have gone astray in your young life and how desperately alone you feel.

When you slide into your bed at night and lay there unable to sleep, scared, and alone, desperately trying to face those thoughts and feelings and voices not knowing how to stop them, to change them, to heal them, I have been and am there with you also.

I know only too well, how much you try to hide the way you feel, the thoughts you have and the voices that you hear, from your family and your teachers, and those around you for fear of rejection or ridicule or worse. 

But I beg of you, dear sweet child, I beg of you to trust them (those who hold you dear) and to let them into your inner hidden shame-filled world. Because if you don’t, and trust me I am talking from experience here, it will go on to damage you and hurt you and destroy relationships that you should never have lost.

And even more than this, it will lead you to form relationships that you should never have begun and that will hurt and damage you even more deeply than I care to think of.

Kevin, dear sweet Kevin.  How deeply I wish I could be there with you to hold you, hug you, guide you and help you find the healing that you so desperately need and so deeply desire.

I cannot begin to place into words, knowing now what lies in your future and my past if you do not get this letter, the sense of urgency that I feel in trying to change the course of life that you are on.

I desire so deeply for you not to go through what happens to you both in your very near future and beyond it and for you to NOT make those attempts that I know are going to come to try in an attempt to end it all.  Not to mention those the decisions and actions that you take as a result of the misplaced feelings and beliefs that you mistakenly hold as being true.

Kevin, if you take nothing else from my words to you please, please, accept and believe what I am going to say to you next.  Take my words, hold them in your heart and never let go of them…

“Life IS WORTH LIVING because YOU ARE WORTH LOVING and what is more YOU CAN BE LOVED and ARE LOVED despite the way you feel.”

Kevin, I know those words are difficult to hear and even harder to believe. But take it from me, (and let’s not forget that I am actually you – just and older and hopefully wiser and more experienced you) these words are true and the thoughts and feelings and voices – those hateful, harmful, deceptive and malicious, lying thoughts, feelings and voices – that you and I are so used to knowing and believing, are all wrong, so very wrong.

Kevin, I have to close this letter now. I wish so very much that I could write more, share more, show you more. And yet even as I have written the words I have just written, I have come to understand that actually a large part of who I am (who we are) today is in part as a result of what I have been through and what you may yet still go through.

There are so many things in my life that I am thankful for, and trust me Kevin, so many wonderful things that you have yet to experience. Love, marriage, parenthood, your ministry and the faith that I know you already have and yet don’t fully understand or appreciate.

Kevin, please trust me when I tell you that I know the things that you have done and I know the secrets of your heart – the questions, the confusions, the conflicts and the victories. The joys, the fears, the wounds, the guilts, the dreams, and the hopes that are all present there held safe and secure within.

Admit the things you have done sweet child, and accept the love and forgiveness that is offered in return. Trust your family no matter how hard that may seem right now. But trust your heavenly Father more. Because the years of love shared with them that you may lose as a result of not trusting them now can never be regained. Trust me I have tried.

And above all else please, please, know that nothing is greater than God’s love. Not those voices, those feelings, those thoughts, nor the guilt, the pain nor the hurt. None of them, whether individually or combined, are or could ever be greater than God’s love or God’s love for you.

With much love and deep hope,

Kevin.  November 29th, 2011. Additions (in red) added December 12th 2012.

So there you have it my, albeit slightly amended, letter to a younger self.

As I said, I wrote the original version of that back in November of last year and I have to tell you that it was a painful experience then and (to a lesser extent) a painful experience now.

Did is serve a purpose then?  Does it serve a purpose now?  Well we are all different aren’t we but yes for me I believe it did and does.

As you will have possibly gleaned from reading that letter my mental illness had a direct impact on my young life and on the relationships that I did or didn’t form throughout my life.  But there is one relationship which it had a huge impact on and that is my relationship with God.

So many of the wounds, the fears, the self-criticisms and so much of the self-hatred that came as result of my mental health and in some part from my unsuccessful attempts to end it all even as a child,  had corrupted my perspective of my acceptability to God.  So much of the relationship I struggled with in respect of my own biological father corrupted an distorted my understanding of the father-heart of God.

As I re-read that letter, as I reflected on it’s words and sentiments I reflected on the lessons that I have since learned and the healing that I have been blessed to have received in these respects.  And in that alone it has served a purpose in helping me to affirm and cement the healing that I, that my inner child as received.

But there is, I hope, a greater purpose from this exercise and that i that if but one person – who is struggling with similar situations and hurts and fears – comes across this and benefits from it than it has been more than worth doing.

And that is my motivation and my prayer.

Don’t Play With Knives!

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Relationships, Self-Harming

They were words that my mother no doubt said to me as a young boy and a message that I think most parents impart to their children at some point or another.

I think we would all agree that knives and children just don’t make for a good combination. So I wonder how you will respond to this little video…

Don’t worry no knife was hurt in the making of this film and thankfully neither was any child.

So how did watching that old video make you feel? Did the ‘near miss’ make your heart leap like mine did? Of course the film is very old (1950’s) and ‘things was different back then’.

But I can’t help wondering how many Health and Safety executives, or Child Protection agencies and workers,  would be near to exploding if they saw such a thing today?

It just seems so wrong doesn’t it? So counter-intuitive. Throwing knives around when there are small children about. Let alone actually throwing knives at them – well virtually at them. Here’s a reasonable statement for you…

Knives can hurt! They can cut! They can pierce! They can stick! And they can scar!

Rational, caring, responsible people don’t go throwing potentially harmful words at small children, loved ones or other people or even around when they are in the vicinity.

We are more caring than that aren’t we?

Well what if we take ‘knives’ out of that statement and put ‘words’ in there in its place instead?

Words can hurt! They can cut! They can pierce! They can stick! And they can scar!

Rational, caring, responsible people don’t go throwing potentially harmful words at small children, loved ones or other people or even around when they are in the vicinity.

Oops! We appear to have a problem here, don’t we?

Whilst the first part of our new statement remains true, the second part – the part that speaks about how we behave – no longer rings so true, does it?

Sadly the truth is that sometimes we do go “throwing potentially harmful words at small children, loved ones or other people or even around when they are in the vicinity.”

Knives can hurt! If we jab or stab or slice or cut ourselves and can’t harmful words do the very same thing? Isn’t it true that often the damage they do is much deeper, often less easily seen and all too often much longer lasting?

Knives can cut! They can cut our skin but harmful words can cut even deeper can’t they?

Knives can pierce! They can pierce our skin and flesh and muscle and they can do untold damage but can’t harmful words do even more untold damage? Damage which often goes unseen? Isn’t it true that harmful words can pierce even our very heart?

Knives can stick! Didn’t we see that in that old video? But isn’t it true that harmful words can often stick deeper and longer?

Knives can scar! As a self-harmer trust me I know this is so very true. But don’t harmful words often scar, doing so much deeper and for much longer?

Ask any medical practitioner – nurse, doctor, etc – which they would generally rather treat, external bleeding or internal bleeding and I am pretty sure they would say external bleeding because it is easier to treat and often results from less serious damage tha internal bleeding does.

And the truth that lays behind that answer in respect of physical wounds is just as true of emotional, and psychological wounds.

So we have to I think ask ourselves, if we are deliberately responsible when it comes to knives, why are we so much less responsible when it comes to words?

This blog is about mental illness and I make no secret of my mental illness and the ways in which it affects or impacts me.  I try my best to be as open as I can in the hope that it will not only benefit me but also help others who suffer from similar mental illness.

Being so open about my mental illness opens me up to all sorts of reactions and responses and trust me some of them are good and some are pretty bad.  But I do so because I believe in the benefit of being open about it and because my faith and beliefs as a Christian prohibit me from living a lie.  (Something which sadly I did for far too long in respect of my mental health.)

But being a Christian does not remove me from the same kind of attacks or unhealthy or unhelpful responses and reactions that many folk with poor mental health or who suffer with mental illness are subjected to.

One of the ways in which my mental health effects me, which is very relevant to this piece is that confrontations, disagreements, unhelpful or unhealthy comments seem to affect me more than most.

For some reason the voices in my head latch on to them, cling to them, focus on them.   They, and my internal dialogue, repeatedly throw them back at me for days after the actual original statement was made by someone, or for days after the original confrontation or disagreement.

Monday evening I went to Bible study with a group of fellow Christians at the church I attend.  During that evening I had a civilized and non-abusive disagreement with one of the other people there.  Additionally one or two statements where made which truly unsettled me.  And here we are on Wednesday afternoon and my mind has not been able to let this go.

I need to point out and make it very clear that no-one said anything rude or deliberately disrespectful and that I am convinced that no harm was deliberately intended.  And yet harm was without doubt done to and possibly by me.

This is a group of loving, respectful and well-intentioned Christian brothers and sisters and still hurt happened.  And that is the point isn’t it?  That even in the most well intentioned and loving group and circumstances these things – being hurt by harmful words and hurting others by harmful or careless words – are still possible.

My faith has already enabled me to forgive that which was said and the harm that was done.  My mind and my mental illness may be much slower at letting go of these things and no doubt will continue to use them against me.

All I can do in that regard is stand on 2 Corinthians 10:5..

⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (NIV)

But I do also recognize my own weaknesses and failings in all of this and I do unreservedly apologize for any time when my words have been careless and harmful and have caused hurt to others.

And I do also want to encourage us all to be careful with our words and to remember that they all too often can be just as, if not more, dangerous as the sharpest knife.

Overcast With A Forecast of Inclement Weather.

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& M.E., Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar DIsorder and Sleep, CFIDS, CFS, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts

If I had to describe my current mental health status using weather terms that would be the description that I would currently use as it is the most fitting that I could think of at this time.

“Overcast with a forecast of inclement weather”

Not a very positive report I know.  But then I like to keep things real and I am acutely aware of my mental health and how it affects me and as I said, I couldn’t think of a more accurately descriptive report.

The thing is that whilst it give some information about what is happening right now and indeed does carry with it some warning of what is likely to come it doesn’t commit to anything too specific.  Does it say tornadoes, hurricanes, whirlwinds, gales, etc?  No.  It just says that what is to come is likely to be stormy, tempestuous and severe.

The thing is that I just don’t know what is to come. I just know how I am at the moment – hence the “overcast” statement and I just know what feeling like this, being like this, normally leads to.

But we all get times like this don’t we?  Times when we feel that there is little to no sunshine in our lives or even on the immediate horizon?  Times when, for no apparent reason we get a sense of impending doom?

I mean surely those things, those feelings, those thought processes, are not unique to those of us who suffer from poor mental health or with mental illness?  No of course they aren’t but here’s the deal.

When you do suffer from poor mental health or from mental illness, and know how that poor mental health or mental illness plays out in your life, those feelings – those thought processes, are usually far more accurate and are usually indicators that all is not right within and trouble is indeed in store.

Sadly, what they don’t often come with is specific indications as to just what kind of inclement mental health weather is to come.

Physically I am run down at the moment and, as the trip to the doctor today has confirmed I have indeed had flu for the past few weeks and on top of that also have a sinus infection.

I am very much aware of this and I am very much aware that this is affecting my overall poor physical health, sleep patterns and general mental health.  LIkewise I am also aware that one of the conditions that I suffer from is paranoid schizophrenia.  Impending doom and paranoia are close relatives in my experience and I also need to bear that in mind.

But I find myself extremely agitated an anxious at the moment and I find myself very much on edge.  I want to sleep and hope the whole thing goes away, but know that sleep avoids me once again.

I want to reason this whole thing out with logic but find myself in that heelish place where I can reason enough to work out things are not right but not so much that I can reason my way beyond that or out of that.  I dislike this particular place of confused and impaired mental agility and in response to that comes the temptation to self-medicate to such a degree where reason is no longer possible. But then isn’t that what the voices want?

My faith of course assures me that I will get through this and yet that same faith and assurance condemns me to go through it and not to give in.

 

 

Priority Message – Suicide Preventation and Better Mental Health.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Harming, Suicidal Thoughts

Possible Trigger Warning…

Suicide and Self-harm discussed in general within this post.  Whilst all caution has been taken in the writing of this post reader caution is also advised.

I wonder if you have ever wanted to send a parcel or letter or message at work and been asked, as part of the office mailing system to “Please Indicate Priority Level” as part of that system.

In fac t setting priorities is something that most of us do most days and a lot of times without even having to consciously think about it.

But what makes one thing a priority over something else and indeed what changes something from being a priority to be urgent?

After all, whilst there are common criteria which we all use isn’t it also true that sometimes we have our own personal criteria which others may not agree with.

Take for these following scenario and statements for example.

In this scenario you have a friend who has mental health issues and can as a result of them be quite demanding on you and your time.

Naturally this in turn places you under a great deal of pressure in respect of your other obligations and so you have to decide which of the following statements your friend makes you need to respond to immediately – the urgent ones if you will, which you need to respond to fairly quickly but not right away necessarily – a priority but not urgent, and which you can safely respond to when you have a little more time…

Here are the statements, simply place them in order of priority…

A ) Feeling blue

B)  Doesn’t want to go on living.

C)  Feeling suicidal

D) Feeling like life isn’t worth living anymore.

E)  Feeling kind of ok but not quite right.

F) Feeling like I want to hurt myself

G) I don’t feel anything

H)  Feeling ok thanks.

Its a difficult choice to make isn’t it?

How about we change the scenario a little?  What if instead of how you are going to respond to a friend and his or her feelings and subsequent statements, we instead make those your feeling and your statements.  How would you prioritize them now?

After all, let’s be honest here, if you look at that list and place them in order from least urgent to most urgent it is very easy to see that actually those statements can so easily lead into each other and one can very quickly change to another.

As someone who experiences all of the mindsets behind those statements and as  who, I am sure, made all of those statements from time to time I can testify how easily an quickly one mindset can lead to another.

Today the blogosphere or more precisely the mental health section of the blogosphere is awash with Suicide related posts and rightly so since today (Sept 10th 2012) is World Suicide Prevention Day.

Whilst this is all about awareness, for me, the key word in all of this has to be Prevention.  Very often recognizing any progressions in our mental health can be an essential to preventing escalations in it.

And when it comes to suicidal thoughts I know first hand how, for me at least and I am sure for others,  those mindsets and thought processes that I have listed within our statements above can lead into each other and cause those dangerous escalations.

I need to be clear here. Self-Harming isn’t always linked to suicide or suicidal thoughts and it is possible for those who do Self-Harm to not even consider Suicide, just as it is possible for those who consider suicide not have ever considered or practiced Self-Harm.

But for those of us who do struggle with Self-Harm, and Suicide Ideation the risks are obvious and the risks of escalations in poor mental health or harmful mindsets are just as real for all of us.

Having the wrong approach to our thought processes.  Not dealing with them when they need addressing.  Not seeking help when it is needed and available or not finding help when it is needed and our normal help sources are not available can all be so very harmful.  Even and especially when you don’t feel we deserve or are not worth that help.

So I am going to display our list of mindsets and statements again and ask you to  do something for me.

Looking at our list identify the statements and mindsets which you are familiar with and decide on healthy responses to them and the priority of responses needed.

A ) Feeling blue

B)  Doesn’t want to go on living.

C)  Feeling suicidal

D) Feeling like life isn’t worth living anymore.

E)  Feeling kind of ok but not quite right.

F) Feeling like I want to hurt myself

G) I don’t feel anything

H)  Feeling ok thanks.

And once you have done that – how about making a commitment to do all you can  to afford yourself those responses from now on?

Because no matter what you have done or how you have feel about yourself I am convinced that there is hope, that you are and can be worth it, and that affording yourself and taking the right responses can prevent so much hardship.

And I am convinced that making our own well-being a priority in our lives is all part of the doorway to better mental health.

 

Girl With A Suitcase And A Thousand Labels.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing

Possible Trigger Warning.

Her almost statuesque stillness belied and concealed the frantic rushing about within her heart and her mind.

They had done it again.  Blamed her, accused her, criticized her, devalued her.  “Same old labels just slightly different words”, she thought to herself, “still hurts just as much though.”

All they see is a motionless target.  Still, silent, lifeless, emotionless almost.

But of course she isn’t.

With the eyes of her mind and through the tears of too many bitter memories she looks down at herself and sees a small girl naked, cold, alone and ashamed.  Naked except for the myriads of labels that cover her.  Bitter, unfair, shameful, unjust labels.

How much she wants to rip them all off and thrown them back in their faces.  For if she did indeed dare to rip them all off and throw them back in their faces what would she be left with?  Who would she be?

And besides, wouldn’t they then see all the scars and marks that she etches onto her own skin in response to the labels that they unfairly apply?

So she stands, just staring and seemingly not moving.  Well outwardly at least.

Yes, outwardly she does nothing but stare.  Inwardly however she takes their labels, their vile labels and goes to the storeroom, a cupboard, somewhere between her heart and her head, and unlocks it.

Reaching up to the top shelf she pulls down an old suitcase.  It is large and battered and overstuffed.

Overstuffed from years and years of baggage.
So overstuffed in fact that she has had to tie it shut with a leather strap.

The same leather strap that her father used on her all those years ago when she was young enough for him to bully and control.

With shaking fingers and nervous mind she unbuckles the strap and quickly pounces on the lid with one hand before the overstuffed suitcase burst open.

With her other hand she carefully collects all of the most recent and hurtful labels thrown at her and then deftly. skillfully, quickly opens the lids stuffs them in and closes it, jumping on it to force it closed.

Once again with he drags the strap across the case and pulls with all her might until finally she can get it to buckle tight once more.

Nervous and afraid, weak and wounded, she lifts the huge old overstuffed suitcase once more high onto the shelf and then slowly closes the door pausing just before it seals shut.

“It’s going to burst open!”  Her mind tells her.  “It’s too full!  There’s too many labels in there!  One day it is going to burst open!”

Quickly she closes the door and locks it and then turns and leans her back against  it.

“But what do I do?”  She asks the silence.  “What do I do with all their labels?”

-oOo-

Dedicated to S. and to all those of us for whom this rings true.

I pray that one day you will be able to trust enough to let someone open that cupboard, take down that suitcase, remove that strap, open it and sit with you, and go through those labels one by one.

And that together in love and safety you will be able to destroy them and to see that none of them are real, or deserved, or helpful and that one day you will indeed be free from them all.

And Ironically, Tragically Ironically.. Stigma

Tags

And Ironically, Mental Health, mental health stigma, Mental Illness, Self-Harming

Recently I introduced the ‘And Ironically…’ feature on this blog. It was by design meant to be light-hearted but used to point out ironical facts in life and especially in respect of Mental Health and Mental Illness.

Today’s fact is not meant to be so light-hearted and indeed is more tragic than it is ironic although there is indeed some irony here.

Stigma sadly still exists in the world today and sadly many mental health conditions and sufferers of mental illness in it’s various forms face this stigma on an almost daily basis.

Do a search for mental health related blogs and see how many of them are written anonymously and then consider why these eloquent, passionate and inspiring bloggers feel the need to blog anonymously if you don’t believe me.

Or, if you need further convincing, do a web search for “Stigma definition” and depending on your browser it is quite possible that you will turn up a similar to the one I captured here in this screen shot…

Notice, if you will, the last five words of item one of that definition “the stigma of mental disorder“.  Yes sadly, I think you would be hard pressed to argue that mental illness does not still all too often have a stigma attached to it.

And as a person who suffers with several different mental illnesses and who constantly fights against self-harming I personally believe you would be even harder pressed to convince me that there are very many mental health disorders/conditions which have as much stigma attached to them as that of self-harming.

Those of us who struggle with Self-Harm are constantly thrown into internally and externally created or induced guilt, shame, and disgrace.  But whilst the internal dialogue is understandable the externally created or induced; guilt, shame, and disgrace, is not.  And it is so damaging and so unhealthy.

And what is ironically tragic about it?  Well let’s consider the history of the word stigma…

The word came to be known in the 1590s as ‘marks made on the skin by burning with a hot iron‘ and latterly ‘to mark or puncture especially with a pointed instrument‘ and was taken from the Latin word ‘Stigma‘.

It was linked to the word ‘Stigmata‘ from the Greek ‘stigmatos‘ a reference to the  beautiful, precious, and yet tragic and cruel marks suffered by our Lord.

In terms of the ‘disgrace’, this is specific to the aforementioned stigmata link and derives from that although mankind tried to disgrace Him, he deserved no such disgrace and thus comes the realization that for mankind to have marked or scarred the body of Christ was indeed in itself an incredibly disgraceful act.

For devout followers to be ‘blessed’ (according to religious beliefs) with ‘stigmata’ (the supernatural showing of those marks and scars Christ himself was made to bear) was interpreted and their sharing in His sufferings and in that disgrace.  And it is here that we get the word ‘stigma’ as a mark of ‘disgrace’.

But of course, as I mentioned above, the disgrace was not Christ’s – who bore the marks,  but belonged to those who caused and made those marks upon His person.

And here’s the tragic and undeniable truth about any person who seeks to attach stigma to those who battle with self-harming or those who suffer from any form of mental illness.

That disgrace, that undeniable tragic disgrace which you are trying to apply to others, belongs not to that person or those people you are targeting but to you.

And if that is not ironic, then I don’t know what is!

 

Mentally Undressed

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Rejection, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

I wonder what your body-image is like or indeed to opinion of nudity it?  Are the two related perhaps?

As an artist I have developed an appreciation for many forms of art and have over the years tried my hand at a few different forms too.

Art communicates in way that words sometimes cannot and as a writer I have no reservation in admitting that.  Often, actually very often, a piece of art will inspire more questions than it provides answers for.  Likewise what I see in a piece of art you might not see and vise versa.

Take for example this piece of art which is actually a bronze sculpture of a nude which is commercially available from AllSculptures.com and which I would seriously like to own one day.

What do you see in this sculpture?

A man embracing himself?  Someone in need of physical warmth? Physical contact?

Perhaps a man who is so overcome with the realization that he is indeed loved that his only response was to portray that love in a communication of self-acceptance, self-embrace?

Or perhaps you see something different?

A man who is ashamed of his nakedness? Lowered to his knees, covering his own shame in front of his God or perhaps his peers or maybe even his captors?

What emotions, feelings do you see portrayed?  Warmth? Compassion? Love? Humility? Vulnerability? Shame? Pain? Slavery?

It is interesting isn’t it?  How we all see things slightly differently (or even greatly differently) from each other.

Perhaps the nudity of the sculpture embarrasses you a little.  It would embarrass some folk I know.  And I for one make no judgement of that.  Who knows that nudity might be the very thing you feel most appealing about it.

Personally is doesn’t worry me in the least bit.  I have long since been convinced that we have nudity all wrong when it comes to our understanding and approach to it.

Don’t get me wrong. I am all for being conservative in these things and would by no means consider myself a naturist or a hedonist or someone who would advocate us all walking around publically naked.  But nor do I believe that we should be ashamed of our own bodies or indeed our own nudity when in private.

And I do so very firmly believe that society sends out and teaches the wrong messages about nudity and that we have in many ways long since lost the ability to appreciate the naked body without assigning some sexual context to it.

So consider these questions if you will…

Look at that picture again for me but this time imagine the man dressed in some way. You can choose the attire he is dressed in.

How is he dressed in the image in your mind?  (Feel free to participate and comment below)

Would it be as appealing to you as a sculpture or perhaps more appealing? (Again please feel free to participate and answer or comment on any of these questions or points by commenting below)

How does the message, the meaning, the feel of the piece change now that he is in some way dressed?

Has it lost some of it’s beauty, it’s rawness, it’s intimacy?  Has it gained or lost some of it’s innocence?

What if we were to keep the nudity of the figure and indeed keep the same position or pose of our figure, our sculpture, but this time change the model.

What if instead of that well defined, athletic and muscular form we changed it to something closer to home?  What if we made it of me or of you?

If I were to be immortalized in a nude sculpture of that same pose what would I see? What would you see? What would others see?

Indeed if you were to be immortalized in a nude sculpture of that same pose what would you see? What would I see? What would other’s see?

Would they still see that Warmth? Compassion? Love? Humility? Vulnerability? Or would they see that Shame? That pain? That Slavery?

As someone who battles with self-harming I am very much aware of the scars that my skin still holds.  Would the sculptor somehow include those?  Would they be noticeable and if so how noticeable would they indeed be?  Likewise how would they change the feel, the meaning, the message of the piece?

Hopefully you don’t have those same battles with self-harming as I do nor the all too familiar signs of it. But here is a really interesting thought for you to ponder if you have a mind to…

Not all of our scars are physical, some are indeed internal – psychological, emotional.  Some are real or even perceived by us as a result of our having poor mental health but yet not even seen by others.

If you were immortalized naked in that same pose – would others be able to see in that sculpture your – bipolar disorder, your OCD, your depression, your schizophrenia, your aspergers, your… (The list goes on and only you truly know the ones that apply to you.)

Perhaps rationally, logically you would answer, “No of course not.”  But take out the rational, logical part of your response for mental illness often places us in non-rational, non-logical mindsets.

And is it not true that mental illness sometimes induces a sense of nakedness and of vulnerability?  Certainly, for me personally, when I have an episode and others witness it I often feel naked and vulnerable and all too often ugly, broken and ashamed afterwards.

Actually these times are the times when the my deepest compulsion is to hide and yet ironically when I haven’t hidden and someone has reached out to me this is the time when I feel the deepest sense of love.

As I said, I don’t view physical nudity the way a lot of people (and certainly a lot of other Christians) seem to.

Perhaps it is because I am not very sexually minded or perhaps because I have seen so much suffering at the hands of corrupted and mis-taught body-image messages.

Or perhaps it is because I know that the body is but a shell and that body-image is but one part of self-image.

Perhaps also it is because true beauty is not skin deep, nor is it seated in sexual desire,  pleasure. or gratification.  Nor is it found purely in; chaos, nor order, nor in perfection.

True beauty is, in my opinion, found in love. Love given and love received – loved shared.

Shared despite the chaos, despite the order, and despite the imperfections.

Look at our sculpture one last time if you will.  But this time let love direct your sight.

Notice if you will the head he lowers perhaps not daring to look up, to fully connect or perhaps in an act of submission or of worship?

This time notice how he covers himself, his manhood, his vulnerability and yet notice also if you will, the nobility of his form.  The way his left hand, participating in the covering of himself, does not yet  grip his right ankle as perhaps some would when in a similar but defensive pose.

Notice also the positioning of his right fingers not held flat against – but gently upon – his left shoulder almost seeking to caress to complete the embrace.

Is he experiencing and this expressing that warmth, that compassion, that love, that humility, which we spoke of earlier?  Or is he experiencing and expressing that vulnerability, that slavery, that shame, which we also spoke of?

You decide.  But in your decision, consider your place in this interaction and consider the needs expressed the invitation given and then ask yourself this – “how many of us have bared ourselves and crouched before each other in literary or virtual nakedness – deeply in need of that hug, that acceptance, that embrace?

I for one know I have and I for one know I will again…

 

Dealing With the Crashes

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obesity, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Self-Harming

We have many terms for our bad times don’t we? Slumps, lulls, depressed episodes, dark times, black dog times, (hm I have never liked that one and think it particularly unfair to black dogs), the emptiness, the nothingness, falls, crashes.

In truth I think we all have our own individual ways of labelling them and indeed may well have different labels for different levels of severity.

Perhaps we need something similar to the DEFCON scale where as instead of DEFCON (DEFense CONdition) we have a DEPCON (Depression Condition) and conversely we could have MANCON (Mania Condition).

Can you imagine it? Friends and loved one’s would be handed little laminated cards with the different color-coded DEPCON and MANCON scales on each side and perhaps as small pocket or handbag sized handbook on what the protocol is when we reach a certain level.

I can see it now. Concerned and frantic telephone calls between family members. “Moma, It’s Janey. He’s at DEPCON 2.” A call which launches Moma into a frantic flurry of activity where she rummages through her handbag for her handbook, looks up the protocol and then cooks up a batch of comforting chicken noodle soup and some biscuits and then drives round to deliver it in person. Thus affording her the opportunity to ensure that I eat it. Plus secretly affording her the opportunity to remove all the sharp objects and excess pills from my house.

Of course, despite my mood, I am trying to make light of the situation. A situation in respect of the crash – the depressed episode – that all too many of us know only too well. But that’s the problem So many of us do know it only too well. And that is where I am at the moment and where I have been for the past three or four days.

It started coming on earlier in the week last week and has gradually increased in severity with each passing day.

My physical health deteriorated. Lethargy and general aches and pains, gave way to (or progressed into) sleeplessness, a complete lack of energy, more aches and pains and specifically chest pains. And just to add to it my breast lump is back and whist I know this is nothing major it is darned uncomfortable.  All of which is killing my attempts to lose weight and get healthier.

My mental health deteriorated along with the my physical health. Normal moods gave way to (or progressed into) darker moods, emptiness, nothingness, with flickers of suicidal ideation. Concentration is as much an effort mentally as sitting up at my desk is physically. (Which explains the relative lack of blogging activity lately.)

My spiritual health is taking a battering also. I couldn’t make church, have no appetite for fellowship. Praying is difficult at these times as the voices and harmful thoughts attack and tell me what a fraud I am when I hold fast to the message of hope when the reality of experience is so very much different to that.

But they are of course wrong. My knowledge of the Bible convinces me that there are no guarantees of a problem free existence this side of eternity and in fact the very opposite is true. That the Bible clearly acknowledges that we will face difficulties in this life and how coming to faith will not remove that from us and in many ways can increase that.

Yes DEPCON 2. is probably just about right. Perhaps a high three bordering on a low 2 but most definitely around the 2 mark and that is worrying.

Of course there are no concerned telephone calls going on (to my knowledge) and certainly no chicken noodle soup and biscuits being made – my family (apart from my son) all live in a different country. And certainly no one is going to come round and remove all sharp objects and excess pills from me. Isolation does that for you, it presents you with the reality of the removal of those safety nets and is never an avenue I would recommend for anyone other than for short visits.

But isolations presents you with another reality. The reality of the fact that if you truly are going to drag yourself out of DEPCON 2 you are going to have to do just that. Drag yourself out of it! Or at very least drag yourself far enough to seek the help you need.

I need to start that journey and I need to start it now. There is a slippery slope leading to the abyss and I need to start the journey away from the abyss and back up that slope no matter how steep or slippery or difficult that slope may be.

This is not new! I have been here before! It is not new and it has been conquered before! And if it is not new and has been conquered before then it can be conquered again. I can conquer this again.

I need to go for a walk. Walking involves taking steps and taking steps is what I need to do right now and walking is a good time to pray.  To remember that I am not alone in this and to fight back against the lethargy, the emptiness, the nothingness.

The Unhealthy Purchase.

Tags

Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

“I know you still have it.”  Claire announced quite unexpectedly.

“So, what if I have?” Sharon replied defensively.  Not absolutely certain what Jane was referring but fairly sure she knew what it was.

“It isn’t good for you, you know that don’t you?”  Claire continued, concerned for her friend.

“You just don’t understand.”  Sharon replied angrily.

“Maybe not,” Claire agreed, “but I would like to.”

“Why?”  Sharon asked defensively. “So you can convince me to get rid of it?”

“But I care for you.”  The compassion and love in Claire’s tone were obvious, as was her intent.  “And I don’t like to see you hurting yourself.”

“I am not hurting myself.”  Sharon countered, “and I never asked for this!  It was forced on me!”  Her words trailed off as her thoughts took over for a moment.  “And anyway perhaps I deserved it.” Her thoughts found voice.

“Really?  Did you really deserve it?  Still deserve it?  Still have to continue paying for it?”  Claire asked, reaching out and grabbing her friend’s hands and looking her in the eyes.

“I had no choice.”  Sharon told her, pulling her hands away and turning her head so as to break her friend’s stare.

“No, maybe you didn’t.”  Claire agreed but with pan.  “But you do now.”  She added deliberately.

“What am I supposed to do?”  Sharon challenged.  “Just give it up, forget it was ever forced on me?  Ignore all that is has cost me?”

“So what?”  Claire continued to challenge. “You are just going to go on holding on to it?”  She searched her friend’s thoughts.  “Simply holding on to it?  Being hurt by it and continually paying for it?  Day after day, week after week, nightmare after nightmare?”

“What choice do I have?”  Sharon asked, as the tears formed in her eyes.  “If I let go of it all I will have waisted everything I have paid so far.”

“But if you keep holding on to it you will keep on paying and you know it.  Is it really worth it?”  Sharon asked challengingly.

“But what if I really did deserve it and what about everything I have already paid?  What about how much it has already cost me?” Karen asked.  “Do I just write that all off?  Forget about it all?  As if it was all for nothing?  Forget I ever paid for it?  That I ever owned it?”

“Oh Honey,”  Claire gasped as she grabbed her friend’s hands and with tears in her own eyes looked deep into the eyes of the friend she loved so much.  The friend she knew was still hurting so very badly.

“Can’t you see?  You have never owned it, it has always owned you and will continue to do so until you let it go.”

-oOo-

It’s a simple little story really isn’t it?  Short, interesting, true to life.  Something which a lot of us can relate to.

The fact is that it is not so simple a little story after all.  It is in fact a conversation about a life of complex, deep-rooted, harmful pain.  The results of years of poor communication, bad messages, harmful words and resultant corrupted and unhealthy self-image.

And the most tragic part of it all is that too many of us can relate to it because too many of us have lived it, are still living it.

We bought into the lies and the ridicule, the accusations and the negative criticisms, the rejection or misuse or abuse.  And we bought into it with such a high price and one which we keep on paying “day after day, week after week, nightmare after nightmare“.

Repeatedly convincing ourselves that perhaps we “deserved it“.

Doing so because: when external voices are repeated often enough or by enough people they become our own internal voices.

Doing so because: we have to convince ourselves repeatedly as a result of the fact that somewhere deep down inside we doubt it’s validity and thus keep on arguing with ourselves.

Doing so because: to question whether we did really deserve it might put us in a position where we would have to question or be critical of those we love and trust despite the fact that they were the loudest of those external voices.

Doing so because: “if we really didn’t deserve it, if we are really not that person, then who am we?”

Doing so because: “we have paid so much for it already.”

Doing so because: “We haven’t yet realized that we don’t own it. It owns us!”

Depression and It’s Effects On Self-Esteem – The Naked Truth!

Tags

Christianity and Depression, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obesity, Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING!

I have entitled this post ‘Depression and It’s Effects On Self-Esteem – The Naked Truth!’ and the first naked truth is that I have been struggling over whether to do this post for some time now.

The fact of the matter is that in order to do both it and it’s motivation justice I have to put it all out there and that is an extremely painful and difficult thing for me to do. But I have promised myself that I would do it.

And I have promised this because the truth is that I really do feel it is the only way and that it is very important.  Especially since over the pat view weeks (both in conversations that I have had and also in blogs that I have read) I have witnessed a great deal of pain, hurt, embarrassment and even shame expressed by fellow mental health bloggers over their self-image, body shapes, physical features, weight etc.

Now I am a guy, and I fully accept that these things can often be different for a guy and that they seem to be somewhat; heightened, perhaps more severe even for women, but trust me it is hard enough for us guys.  So sharing my experience (even from a guy’s perspective) whilst being all that I have to offer, will I hope encourage others as I do so desperately want to reach out to others who are suffering similar things.

So this is my poor, inadequate, offering – my attempt to do just that.  And knowing my passion in this I apologize in advance for the length of this post – which will no doubt be fairly lengthy.  But I do hope you will stay with me throughout it.

Depression and it’s effect on perceptions and feelings…

For this one I am going to use one of my own quotes…

Depression can bleach all the color from the most vividly chromatic rainbows.

I know of no better way of stating it and trust me a life without color is a life dulled into non-entity.

Imagine a life without colour if you can, one without feeling or even appreciation of experience.  One where sometimes you will hurt yourself just to see if you can still feel something.

Depression and it’s effect on hope and motivation…

American Psychologist Rollo May stated that…

Depression is the inability to construct a future.

And I would certainly have to admit to understanding and relating to this sentiment.  It is as some would say the inability to see the light at the end of the tunnel no matter who tells you that light is there.

But don’t be mistaken into thinking that for me (and many people like me) depression is the act of taking that ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ and convincing yourself that it is just another on-coming train about to smash you into oblivion.

I am sure that is true for some, but for me it simply isn’t so.  For in that scenario that train offers and end, and in that end is escape from it all and thus hope.

I (in the depths of my depression) on the other hand know no such hope and thus all I see (if indeed I see that light) is a light at the end of the tunnel which no matter what I do will fade into nothingness before I even reach it or it me.

So there is little to no hope and with little to no hope comes little to no motivation.  As all hope fades from the horizon, so too does you reason for being let alone your reason for doing and with not doing comes simply being.  Being still, being inactive, being… on the road to protracted suicide by inactivity?

Depression and it’s effect on self-esteem/self-worth…

The writer David D. Burns wrote…

Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem.

“can seem worse than cancer” because “most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem.”  Chilling words aren’t they?  Perhaps most chilling because for so many of us that is the truth that is experienced.

Let us recap for a moment here…

In the depths of depression there is often no color, no tangible sensations or feelings or even experiences.  The nothingness has begun to consume you and in so doing it sucks all motivation and hope.

And what fills that void where once the hope and motivation lived? Well that one is easy – The negativity Family.

The negativity family – Self-doubt and it’s older brother self-hatred.

Anxiety and her older sister fear.

Hopelessness without her now aborted child motivation.

Displacement and his twin sister misunderstanding.

Am I painting too graphic and too dismal a picture here?  Too graphic, too dismal?  I am certain that those who are reading this who have experienced the depths of such depression won’t think so.

Your very reason for living can be lost and along with it your ability to live, leaving you only with existence.

Normal everyday activities such as washing, bathing, brushing your hair, cleaning your teeth, washing and changing your clothes can slip into normal every other day activities and then every other week and so on.

Why bother?  After all, ask yourself why you do these things now?  To please the ones you love?  Because it is ingrained in who you are as a person? Because (as L’Oréal commercially puts it) you’re worth it?

See that is the thing isn’t it.  You have no color, no motivation, no self-worth or self-esteem.

You don’t think about ‘pleasing the one you love’ – because you either can’t think about them or are convinced they are going to dump you anyway or simply believe they are better off without you and wish they would dump you.

You don’t know ‘it is ingrained in who you are as a person’ – because you are no longer the person you used to be.

You don’t buy the ‘because you’re worth it’ argument – because in your eyes you simply aren’t worth it.

So your personal hygiene starts to slip.

Your diet and eating habits suffer.  Eating only now and then because someone makes you  or eating too much because at least it is something tangible to break the nothingness or because at least it provides some feeling or sensation or comfort.

Relationships start to stress and crumble.  Either because; you are putting less into them, or because others who are trying to help are doing so in the wrong way or you are perceiving that help in the wrong way, or because you have convinced yourself they are better off without you, OR because you are (as they will sometimes tell you) ‘no longer the person I knew and loved.’  Well DUH I am no longer the person I knew and loved.

Social activates even work activities reduce and cease as; you can no longer cope with them, become too self-conscious as a result of your worsening personal hygiene, or because of your black moods, or because you are simply lost to those worlds now.

Financial burdens start to form as a result of lack of income due to lack of activity or poor spending as a result of trying to find some tangible instant gratification or some quick fix.  This in turn can affect your diet and personal hygiene.

The self-perpetuating downward spiralling cycle…

Reduced personal hygiene, reduced eating or over eating or poor eating, reduced social contact, reduced income, reduced activity and mobility.

Can you imagine what this all does to your skin, your weight, your body shape?

Can you imagine what that in turn does to feed those negative self-deprecating thoughts?

Can you see how these all impact and play into each other?  Can you see the self-perpetuating downward spiralling cycle that has begun and which is so very hard to break free from?

At the start of this piece I promised you the truth and the fact of the matter is what I have written thus far is the truth for too many of us with mental health and (specifically but not exclusively) depression related issues.

This is a picture taken just before my mental and physical breakdown back in 1999.  It shows my wife and my son and how I looked back then.

Back then when I was that person.  That person who was before the person that I am now.

That person before the depression took control and before that self-perpetuating downward spiralling cycle took hold.

When I started this article I promised you the truth and the truth is that I am no longer that person and will never be that person again.

My son – bless his heart is much older now and has (like my faith) been a God-send and a life saver for me.

My wife – bless her heart did so very much, put up with so very much but in the end I “was no longer the person she married or the person she loved” and so she (in many ways understandably) moved on to a new relationship.

When I started this piece I promised the truth and did so because…

over the pat view weeks (both in conversations that I have had and also in blogs that I have read) I have witnessed a great deal of pain, hurt, embarrassment and even shame expressed by fellow mental health bloggers over their self-image, body shapes, physical features, weight etc.

Take another look at that photo for me.  That was who I was before the depression took control and the truth is that I will never be that person again.

Why?  Because I have changed and because those things that I shared above I shared out of personal experience.

I promised you the truth  – the naked truth – well here it is….

I know first hand and all too well those feelings of pain, hurt, embarrassment and even shame over self-image, body shape, physical features, weight etc because of what I have let my body become.

They are soul destroying and they drive us into retreat and isolation and seclusion and defeat.

But they are not who we really are and we are not just what we or anybody else sees on the outside.

No matter how unappealing, distasteful and even hideous our outsides may seem to us, (and trust me it pains me and embarrasses me for anyone to see me like this) we are worth loving and worth that fight for recovery!

In truth I have no idea if this post has made any sense what so ever.  I have written and deleted, re-written and altered it, delayed it, and re-thought it and struggled over it more than any other post that I have written.

It is my sincerest desire that I have not offended anyone through this post or that last photo.  But I took it and included it because I want so very much to encourage and to do so from a place of empathy and of saying…

“Look at me.  If anyone knows those self-hating, self-deprecating thoughts of shame and embarrassment I do.  But try to see beyond my obvious embarrassment and pain and shame and please try to understand that despite it all I still believe there is hope and that each and every one of us is worthy of that hope and worthy of fighting for that recovery.”

Kind Regards and God bless you.

Kevin.

Depression and Suicide Ideation – Psalm 23’s answer

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts

Although I generally keep my faith fairly low key on this particular blog (as it’s main purpose is not to talk about faith but instead about mental health issues) today I wanted to share something that has been on my heart.

As a Christian who suffers from Mental health issues, including depression and suicidal ideation, I am very much aware of what these things can do to you.

They can make you feel so worthless and remove the site of any hope, as well as potentially leading you to urges to self-harm and indeed thoughts of ending it all etc. they can undermine your faith and indeed your self-worth.

Psalm 23 has always been important to me and has been on my heart for a while now.  It can also, I believe speak directly into many of those self-harm, suicidal ideation and lack of self-worth issues that I talked about.

So today I thought I would look at Psalm 23 and take a look at it specifically in respect of those issues and the comfort and assurances and encouragements that it can offer…

Psalm 23 NIV

(Words of the psalm are in red – my reflections are in black)

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

I wonder if you have ever considered the role of the Shepherd?  What he does?  What kind of person he is?  What he offers or provides for the sheep?

Historically the shepherding was usually done by the young son of the father – sound familiar in a Christian context?  He tended the sheep, looked after them.  He knows the sheep, recognizes them, knows their characteristics, natures, personalities.  Knows which ones need a lot of looking after and which ones need a lot of watching lol.

He provides belonging and indeed security, protection, nutrition, guidance.

Does he keep them from death entirely?  No of course not death – at least death on this earth – comes to us all, but he protects and keeps them until the time is right for them.  Doing all he can to keep them from wandering into places where untimely death is a very real threat.

How often does that suicidal ideation bring us to those dangerous places where an untimely death is possible?  This is not his desire for us and he will do all he can to lead us away from there. (As we will see) But we do need to listen to his voice and trust in him – something that can be so very hard at times I know.

We are part of his flock, his sheep and they are his and he cares for them and provides for them.  So in truth (despite thoughts top the contrary) I am his, we are his, and he cares for us and provides for us and no matter what the depression says, no matter what the poor self-image or the damaging voices or thoughts of worthlessness may say the fact is that is true and the fact it that we belong and he desires for us to belong.

Does not this psalm talk and indeed the very first verse speak of that, establish that?  “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.”

²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,

The shepherd wants us to lie down in green pastures green pastures are a sign of provision, safety and security.  Soft grass to lay on and to graze on.  Not rocky roads, not bramble-filled hedge rows.

The key words here for me are ‘lie down’.  I have no doubt, from my understanding of the Bible and indeed from my own personal experience of life that there will indeed be rocky roads and bramble-filled hedge rows along our journey, but does he want for us to remain on them?  To rest of them?  No not at all.  It is in green pastures where he wants for us to lay down.  And check out this next bit if you are unsure.

he leads me beside quiet waters,

“Quiet waters” are a representation of peace and tranquility and again of provision – for do we all not need to drink?  Where is it safest to drink?  In a noisy rapid moving stream or in the quiet stiller waters?

And again check out the key words in this sentence – He “leads me”.  The expression is not ‘sends me’ or ‘drives me’ but ‘leads me’.  There is no separation here.  We have not been sent off alone but instead he is taking us with him, we are together.

³     he refreshes my soul.

Some have described the soul as being the essence of who we are – mind (reasoning, intellect, information, memory etc), will and emotions.  So bearing this in mind, check out that word – “refreshes“‘.

In the original Hebrew the word used here is ‘שׁוּב’ or ‘shûb’ and it means to refresh or to restore.  Ever wondered why that word is there?

All too often, in my opinion, we have soft-sold Christianity and faith, giving the impression that in Christ we should have no difficulties or trials or illnesses or hurts.  This is simply not true in my opinion and the fact is that we will have trials and difficulties and illnesses and hurts and we will get tired and weak.

“He refreshes (or restores) my soul“.  Why?  Because my soul, your soul, is no doubt going to encounter difficult times and suffer weakness and tiredness along the way and so those damaging, harmful doubting voices which base their condemnations or sew those seeds of doubt on our weaknesses and tiredness have no power and no truth because we all get that way and God knows we will and His word not only acknowledges it but makes provision for it.

He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.

Again the key word here is “guides” and again the picture is not one being ‘sent’ but one being ‘led’.  It is in fact in the Hebrew the word ‘נחה’ or ‘nâchâh’ and that means to ‘bring’ to ‘guide’ to ‘lead’.

And why?  Because of anything we have earned?  No not at all but for HIS name sake not our.  Thus we cannot say or think that we are ‘unworthy of’ or ‘unacceptable for’ this as it is because of him and not because of us that he does this.

⁴ Even though I walk through the darkest valley, (Or the valley of the shadow of death) I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

There is potential imminent danger and sadness here isn’t there?  The “darkest valley” or “the valley of the shadow of death“.  How many of us have known those dark valleys?  How many of us who suffer from suicidal ideation have had that shadow of death fall upon us?

And yet even in these potentially dangerous and dark times there is a promise of hope and security here.  “I will fear no evil”  Why?  Because “You are with me” and “Your rod and your staff they comfort me“.

Yes there is certainly hope and security  to be taken from those words.  And again we need to recognize that the presence of “dark valleys” and “shadows of death” are acknowledged as being something that we will experience.

The rod and the staff offer authority, protection and security and are integral tools for the shepherd and we understand and recognize this and we know their need and place in our lives.  The rod protecting us from the prowling wolves and the staff guiding us and directing us and also being used to pluck us from the mire.

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

And not only does the shepherd keep us from that danger and from that untimely death but he prepares “a table before me“.  He feeds us and provides us all that we need for life.

And what is more he does it “in the presence of my enemies“.  We don’t have to wait until everything is safe and sound before he provides for our future.  He does it throughout it all.   So secure, so powerful is his authority and are his abilities that he can do this even whilst danger is around us.  And again there is that recognition that danger is around us.

You anoint my head with oil;

‘anointing with oil‘ in the bible has a number of uses, healing, protection, a sign of importance or worth.  Oil in those days was by no means cheap.  If you are having your head anointed with oil it is a sign of your being worth something, being valued.

When those poor or harmful self-image or self-worth doubts come this is an excellent thing to remember.  “You anoint my head with oil.”  We are worth something!  We are valued!

my cup overflows.

I love this simple statement.  “my cup overflows”  Not only do you provide what I need but even more than that.  And I like that statement for another reason…

Many years ago I was at some celebration or another and an expensive bottle of champagne was opened and shared around.  It was poured into the first glass with great pleasure and happiness and with too much enthusiasm.  So naturally it fizzed up and overflowed out of the glass.

Not wishing for any of the valuable drink to be wasted others placed their glasses underneath in order to catch as much of the overflow as possible.

How much more valuable is his provision for us?   When it overflows, are we to waste it or to share it with others?  I think the answer is pretty obvious here – we are to share it with others.

⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,

“Surely”  it is a statement not a question.  Take a look at the whole sentence, there is no question mark here.  Positively, certainly, your goodness and love with follow me…

Goodness and love cannot follow someone unless goodness and love is what they have with them and what they have shown and shared.  The legacy we leave to our children is built of what we have shown to or shared with our children.

And we are not only talking about the legacy we leave behind after our life on earth is over.  Not at all.  Take a look at the rest of this line will follow me  “all the days of my life“.

This is a constant thing a here and now thing.

If “surely“, or positively or certainly, “goodness” and “love” are that which is to follow us then “surely“, positively and certainly, “goodness” and “love” is what we need to be sharing and leaving behind us not only when we die but after each conversation, each encounter with someone, each interaction.

Now obviously none of us are perfect and we are going to mess up every now and again and indeed fail in this, but it is good target to have is it not?

And surely that “goodness” and “love” is made possible because of all the thing that the Lord has and is and will do for us.  For it comes first from him, then to us and then through us to others – my cup overflows.

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

And here is that glorious promise!  “and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever“.

The shepherd will, if we; listen to him, stay close to him, rely on him, and trust in him, even and especially in those times of darkest trouble bring us through it all and will do so until our time is right and even beyond it so that through him we can secure that glorious prize – the one intended for us all.  eternal life with him.

So there you have it.  Why psalm 23 is such an important psalm to me and why I think it can bring such comfort in times of darkness and when the depression and the urges to self-harm or when the suicidal ideation hit.

Inbetween the funfair and the wasteland

Tags

& M.E., Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obesity, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Self-Harming

There are many different perspective concerning mental illness and indeed Bipolar Disorder itself.  Some have remarked that the manic part of bipolar is a complete high.  The ‘funfair’ part of it all if you will.

Well I personally don’t think the manic part is always a high in terms of ‘happiness’ or fun and I have to ell you that if the manic part is a fun fair the depressed part is definitely the wasteland.

Actually, if you talk to folk who suffer with poor mental health or with mental illness, you get used to words such a “phases” and “episodes” and “levels” and “cycling”.

There is nothing unusual in this and indeed most things have associated with them certain terminology or jargon that is appropriate to that thing.

You might for example hear or read someone saying they think they are entering or exiting a “manic phase” or going into or indeed coming out of a “depressive phase”.  And indeed that is perfectly understandable and quite common especially in respect of something like bipolar which in many ways is not only identified but also measured/judged by said phases.

The difficulty is however that it can lead to the misunderstanding or misconception that it has to be one or the other.

The fact is however that in my experience it simply doesn’t and that whilst certainly the ‘poles’ that are synonymous with bi’polar’ disorder are often present there is the huge area inbetween the ‘funfair’ and the ‘wasteland’.

What is also possible and in my personal experience often happens is that you can sometimes be in some yoyoing flux combining elements of both poles.

This weekend seems to have been one such time.  Sometimes I am up and other times I am suddenly down and I can find no clear reason for the sporadic variation.

I have, on the face of it, had a really good weekend and have achieved a great deal but along side this I have felt like ‘death warmed up’ and each and every time I see a positive – something I have achieved this weekend – my mind (as if to turn right around, drop its pants, and moon me) throws out the awareness of a number of things that I have also failed to achieve.

I have had a great weekend in so many respects but I am aware that there are things I didn’t achieve but wanted to.  I am going to try to remedy that tomorrow.

My physical health has been very poor this weekend and this has been a bit of a downer as it has hindered my attempts to get healthier. (you can follow these attempts here)  And fortunately I have been able to achieve some stuff despite this.  But it has been my mental health which has been the biggest concern to me.

In many ways it has been good but then right in the middle of my thinking it is good it would suddenly crash and for no apparent reason.

I need to keep an eye on this as these are often the times which prove the most harmful and tonight I have the urge to self-harm.  I don’t think I will respond to it badly of follow the urge but it is definitely there.  Urges and compulsions are a facet of my mental health and I am very much aware of this but then even being aware doesn’t always remove the risk. I am going to go do some things to try to distract my mind and also to hopefully tire myself out so that I can sleep tonight.

 

Signs of things not being right.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Harming

Possible Trigger Warning – Sorry

I have suffered with my mental health for many years now and in all that time I have had ups and downs?

Don’t we all?  Isn’t that just part of life?

Well yeah it is and having mental health issues doesn’t make you exempt from that.  Actually if  anything it makes you more prone to that.

Having mental health issues for a long time can do one something else aswell however.

It can give you experience, experience to know when something just isn’t right.  You see the signs and you recognize them for what they are.  Things are starting to fall apart and you need to act.

Signs like finding letters you thought you had already read and hey who knows perhaps you have and just forgot to file them?  Signs like forgetting where you put things?  When you last did something?  Why you came into the room you are standing in?

Signs like the voices getting louder, more insistent, more poignant.

Signs like that over-whelming compulsion to withdraw into a shell.  Inside a shell where I can hide myself, protect myself, and yes sadly even hurt myself.

But then am I not coping?   I can type. Yeah, ok, it is taken hours where usually it takes minutes, but am I not still typing?  Still making sense?

I am leaving taps running only to then notice the sound of the sink overflowing but hey at least I remembered to fill the sink in order to wash?

Episodes of lucidity amidst hours of numbness and confusion replace episodes of numbness and confusion amidst hours of lucidity.  But hey, aren’t they still just episodes?

Pictures take on a whole new depth and meaning.  Speak louder communicate clearer, impact deeper.

This picture draws me in, it appeals to me, calls to me even.  I see peace.  I see strength. I see resilience. But I also see death and storms and deep sadness all around that strong, peaceful, resilient tree.

The first picture up above I delight in and yet with deep sadness (if that even makes sense) because it is how I am feeling.  How I am realizing things are right now.

I am beginning to ramble I think – yeah another of those signs.  So I am going to close with one last picture.  It is one that I found on a blog called “Ownerless Mind”  I know no the origin of the picture and mention the blog purely in order to respect the fact that I got the picture from there.

As a Christian, I cannot and do not make any claim to agree with that blogs philosophy nor do I have any links with the belief system normally associated with the subject in the picture.  It is simply an incredibly beautiful and inspirational picture and one that speaks deeply to me.

In this post I have opened up a little about how I am at this moment.  Where I am at.  What I am experiencing.  I honestly have tried very hard to be real and yet not real pessimistic.

As a child I would put a shell to my ear and believe I could hear the sea. Yeah of course I now know I wasn’t ever really hearing the sea.  But my father told me I was so I believed I was.

Today I don’t want a shell in order to hear the sea my father once told me I could hear

Today I need to resist hiding within a shell and instead – leaving the shell be – I need to understand.  To understand the world.  To understand what is happening to me.  To understand me.  To hear the world instead of that sea of voices and most of all to hear my Father.  My heavenly Father.

And even if I can’t hear Him. I know He still hears me.

The Dark Side Calleth Me.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Childhood Memories, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Rejection, Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing

Well I am about 2 or 3 chapters away from finishing the current book and I have to admit that I am delighted that I have been able to start writing again.

This is book 9 in the series of books I have written for my kids and when I started writing this current book I realized that it has been some 5 years since I began it and then stopped writing as a result of my memory problems.

But it seems my memory is improving now and this book  will be finished soon.  So I am faced with the prospect of starting a new book.  But the problem is that I have this unyielding compulsion to not start the next and possible final book in this series but to go in a completely different and new direction. To go, if you will, dark.

The current series of books, whilst dealing with some serious issues, is light and casual and is a christian series I have written for my kids and which started out as bed time stories.

But the next potential book – if I do give in to this compulsion and move away from this series for a while – will not be light nor Christian although I have no doubt it will have a faith-based theme running through it.

It will contain elements of my childhood and of my nightmares and could well be very close to home and very raw for me it I do give in and write it. I even have a working title for it.

I have made casual references in the past to the fact that I and my siblings grew up with a father who had a crow as a familiar and who would communicate with that crow everyday.

As a child, growing up with it, it seemed as normal as bacon and eggs. But as an adult – looking back – I now see it very differently. I now understand how having a crow which told me father every last misdemeanor that I did and who was therefore partly responsible for the subsequent disciplining I received, has affected me.

But is it all still too raw? Too close? Too disturbing? Do I really want to put myself through trying to remember and thus in some ways reliving all that stuff?

I am just not sure.

Insufficient Funds Availabe – But Which or Who’s Funds?

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Self-Harming, Support

Ever gone to the ATM, put in your card, punched in your number, made your selection, entered the required amount you wish to withdraw, hit the enter button and then waited only to receive a message flash up that says, “Sorry, You have insufficient funds available”?

Perhaps your bank and ATM’s use a different but similar kind of message?  But I am sure you know the kind of message I am talking about and I am pretty sure most of us have experienced this at one time or another.  Either because we have over-spent – perhaps as a result of a sudden unexpected bill, forgotten about something we paid out of our account, or because the bank or the ATM have messed up?

Well today my body is flashing up that message.  Only the type of funds I am trying to access isn’t cash, its energy and the plain simple truth of the matter is that it is not a bank error!  It is accurate and I have most definitely overspent when it comes to how much energy I have been using lately.

Over the past few days I have been doing a lot of work redesigning websites as well as; catching up on paperwork and filing and housework that ‘fell by the wayside’ during my last spell of poor physical and mental health and I blogged a great deal also.  I have without doubt worked way too long into the night/early mornings and am simply tapped out.

You see much like we are meant to manage our bank accounts and personal finances, so too should we manage our bodies.  But  of course managing our bank account or personal finances is a lot easier when we have sufficient funds coming in to cover the essential expenditures going out.  Likewise, of course, managing our bodies is also fairly simple when we have enough energy coming in to cover the energy expenditure going out.

But poor physical or mental health can  have a very direct impact on our body’s and our mind’s energy funds can’t they?  They make additional sometimes excessive demands on us and very often sudden and unanticipated demands.

Bipolar sufferers will often experience a series of high and lows. Periods of mania or hypomania in some cases, and periods of depression.  Of course each person’s experience of this is unique to them but there are often some shared commonalities.

I have friends who, when manic, go on major shopping trips – spending widely and recklessly and at rates that far exceed their finances.

Other friends of mine would, when manic, completely blitz their homes, cleaning and rearranging rooms and furniture, cupboards, bookshelves, wardrobes. Often without warning, commonly relentlessly and frequently at the oddest of times of night or early morning.

Of course then come the periods of depression which all too often are exasperated or aggravated by the results of the periods of mania.  Guilt concerning the over or reckless spending. Worry over how to pay for it all or how to cover normal bills, feed the kids etc. Dread over how to explain it to a partner, family, friends or the bank manager.   Frustration over the fact that the house is now spotlessly clean and yet somehow isn’t enjoyable and still isn’t how we wanted it in the first place.  Long periods of self-blame, and so the list goes on.

In my personal situation I have to confess that I have experienced both of these.

Trust me, I have done the whole reckless spending thing.  In fact giving me an unsupervised bank or store-based credit card is like giving a loaded machine gun with no safety lock to an epileptic ape with a twitchy trigger finger.

Fortunately I have learned from those painful early lessons in respect of this and now steer very clear of all credit cards and rely on debit cards only.  Although even now I have to be very careful. Debit Cards and ATM’s don’t understand manic behavior but at least they have a balance limit based safety net.

But when it comes to matters other than finances, such as energy levels I am, it seems, just as bad as I always have been.  And of course living alone as I do, there is no one here to calm me down or to help me control my behavior in this respect.

And I think that is a very important point. Isn’t it?  Yesterday I posted a piece about self-harming and my personal battle with it,  Some of the comments that I received made mention of the fact that this is very often hidden and not discussed by folk who either self-harm or by the friends and family of folk who self-harm.

Personally it has been my experience and understanding that this often happens in respect of a lot of mental illness and behavior and also experiences that are related to mental illness.

Because of the stigma or the shame or the guilt all to often implied, applied and/or misapplied  to it, we keep quiet about it when we suffer or do things that are reckless or harmful or detrimental don’t we?

But it is that silence, that secrecy, whether taken upon ourselves or forced upon us by the responses and/or reactions of others that very often removes us from the very help that we so desperately need.

There are no two ways about it.  Mental illness can have a devastating effect on the lives of those who suffer it and those who care for those who suffer it.  Finding and being offered the right kind of support is essential.

I am tired and I need to rest.  I know it, accept it, and acknowledge it.  I am going to rest today and I know that by including it here in this blog, my family and those who care about me will, on reading this post, respond by contacting me and checking up on me.  That kind of support is invaluable and one of the most precious things in my life.  And let me be totally honest here and I exaggerate not when I say this.  It is that kind of support that has saved my life on more than one occasion.

So if you are someone who does experience metal illness, or who self-harms, or who is experiencing something that is harmful or debilitating or detrimental to your welfare, or your health please, please consider finding the help you need.

If you are someone who knows or cares for someone who does or who you expect may suffer from mental illness, poor mental health or something similar, and have not already offered to help, why not carefully and compassionately talk to them about it and hey why not offer to help where possible and ask what help they need.

We all, when it comes to energy, the ability to cope, the motivation to work through things, etc., have limited resources in this life.  So when extra demands are placed upon them through; poor-health, mental illness or difficult times, having shared resources can not only help in very real and essential ways but can also be a life-saver.

And Now About Something Close To My Heart, Arms, Chest, Thighs…

Tags

Self-Harming, Supporting Self-Harmers

Possible Trigger Warning

When I decided to start this blog – long before it also took the form of a website – I determined, and thus made a vow to myself, that I would do my best to always be open and honest and to not shy away from matters that were controversial or unpopular or difficult.

Since making that very clear and conscious decision I have – to all intent and purposes – very often laid myself bare and stood emotionally, mentally and spiritually naked for all the world (or more realistically the tiny little part of the world who actually read this blog or visit this site) to see.  And trust me, my not standing physically naked before you really is a blessing 🙂

Actually, when it comes to my mental health and even when it comes to my voices I try to be open and honest and have to admit that only occasionally do I experience reluctant or hesitation in doing so.  I figure how can I expect others not to assign any stigma to mental illness and those who suffer from it if I am assigning it to myself?

But when it comes to my self-harming it is a totally different matter.  I experience far more reluctance and far greater hesitation when it comes to posting anything about this.  Partly because I truly do believe self-harming, still has a huge stigma attached to it and partly because I am very conscious of and don’t want to add to anyone’s struggle with this.

However, studies show that writing and talking about this in a careful and sensitive way actually helps rather than hinders and so I have made the following decisions…

1. I will not allow stigma to deter me from writing about this issue, my personal battle with it or from highlighting the issue of Self Harming, Self Injuring or Self abuse.
2.  I will, through my blog and my writing, seek to raise awareness of this issue and thus try to educate folk as to the needs, causes and difficulties experienced in respect of it.
3. I will, through my blog and my writing, acknowledge that the reasons and motivations for such actions are numerous and diverse and are not limited to those of my own.
4. I will, through my blog and my writing, acknowledge that the methodology chosen for such actions are  also  numerous and diverse and not limited to those of my own.
5. I will, through my blog and my writing recognize and acknowledge that self-harming can very often be as much a symptom of other issues as it is an issue in its own right.
6. I will, when writing my blog, actively seek to address the stigma and harmful, judgmental or negative attitudes all too often applied in respect of this issue.
7. I will be very careful when composing a piece or indeed approving comments related to this issue,
8. I will openly but sensitively share any experience or knowledge that I have relating to this issue and that comes from my own personal battle with it or my involvement in the experiences of those who are close to me and for whom I have great love and affection.
9. I will encourage other sufferers to seek help and support in their battle with this issue.
10. I will display a logo on this site to show my commitment to this.

In terms of my own struggle with this issue it all started a very long time ago now and whilst it is at the moment pretty much under control I am of course very much aware that it is something that seems to be linked to my emotional, mental and physical health and as a result may well reappear at anytime even after long periods of absence.

Additionally, other members of my family also have struggles in this respect and I have to be honest here, their struggles always seem far more important to me than my own.

My personal reasons or motivations and indeed my personal methodology is, I feel, better suited for discussion in a different post but what I do want to say in this post is that there is hope and that there is help available.

One of the hardest and most harmful parts of this whole thing for me personally has to be the after-effects and the resultant emotions and thought processes from having taken the choice or course of action of actually harming myself.  Having to look at, attend to, and live with, the resultant wounds, often painful reminders and in some ways suggestive outcomes of my self-harming.

It is my fervent and sincere hope that by deciding to be more open about this issue in my life I can not only help combat it within my own life but also within the lives of other suffers, whilst at the same time providing an additional recourse for those who care for people also struggling with this issue.

Introducing Mr Anhedonia

Tags

Anhedonia, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Rejection, Self-Doubt, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

In this post/article I would like to discuss something very personal and in many ways very painful to me…

Allow me to introduce Mr Anhedonia to you.  But please understand that I do so not because he deserves recognition in your life, but because you deserve to have the recognition that he may well be in your life – if indeed he is.

I truly mean it.  If there is one name that I believe every person with depression or mental health related illnesses should be aware of  it is that of “Anhedonia”.

Mr Anhedonia is Greek, well actually to be more accurate his name is Greek and means “without pleasure”. Aptly named since “an” means “without” and “hēdonē” means “pleasure” and because that is the primary characteristic of Mr. Anhedonia, (A secondary characteristic seems to be his expertise in stealth) a lack of pleasure is synonymous with him.

But to imply from this that Mr. Anhedonia is without pleasure would, I think, not be right.  No, not right at all.  Because Mr. Anhedonia is not a person without pleasure.  No Mr. Anhedonia’s presence in your life causes you to be without pleasure.

You see actually Mr. Anhedonia is not a person at all.  Mr. Anhedonia is a condition or more accurately a symptom.  A fully fledged, widely accepted, medically recognized condition or symptom within the fields of psychiatry and psychology.

It is just that Mr. Anhedonia is not very well-known by those who suffer from mental health related illnesses and not often mentioned even when someone has been diagnosed with a related mental health condition.  In fact, from what I can tell, up until the late 1980 Anhedonia was pretty much overlooked or ignored.

Present mainly in the lives of folk who suffer from poor mental health such as depression and especially those who experience mood disorders, schizoaffective disorders, schizoid personality disorders, and schizophrenia he can have a devastating affect on sufferers’ self-image, outlook. and relationships.

Have you ever met someone of whom you have thought, “Man, they can suck the fun out of everything!”  Well that is Mr. Anhedonia.  The only difference is that, as I say, Mr. Anhedonia is not a person at all but a condition and one that is it seems an expert in stealth – what with not often being mentioned or acknowledged when a patient is diagnosed with a related mental health condition.  Let me give you an example…

Firstly of that stealth that I mentioned…

The presence of old Anhedonia in someone’s life will without doubt be felt.  But will it be identified?

I personally have had mental health issues all of my life or certainly for as much of it as I can remember.

As a child (primarily because of my family situation, the time I grew up in and society’s attitude towards mental health at that time) I soon learned to keep my mental health issues and the voices that I was hearing to myself.  Despite my best efforts however, I was packed off to see psychiatrists.  I described some of my symptoms and hid others and had it not been my choosing to do so as a result of my immediate dislike and distrust of the psychiatrists I saw at that time, my life would, I fear, have been very different.  Even so some of the symptoms that I did venture to share were classic to Anhedonia.

As a teen, yet more psychiatrists and despite my being slightly more open and thus receiving an actual diagnosis there was still no mention of Anhedonia.

As a young man, more psychiatrists and yet more and different diagnoses and yet still no mention of Anhedonia.

All through my adult life, and I should perhaps point out that  I am 50 years old this year!, I have seen numerous different psychiatrists, psychologists, psychoanalysts, therapists, cognitive therapists, doctors, specialists etc. And have on numerous occasions with them discussed the symptomatology that I now know to be classic to Anhedonia  and yet not one mention!  So as you can see old Anhedonia’s expertise at stealth appears unquestionable.

And what about the impact of Anhedronia?

I guess, if I am being honest and objective here, I do need to recognize or at least acknowledge that there are some cross-overs between symptoms when it comes to mental health related illnesses.  Additionally I also (as I always like to do) make mention of the fact that I am not an expert nor am I am mental-health practitioner.  I am but a mental health sufferer and survivor.

But that having been said let me tell you that even though I cannot even begin to count the number of times I have explained or described to a consulting psychiatrist or mental health practitioner what I now know to be classic Anhedonia – such as “an inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable”.  Not once did I receive an explanation of what I was experiencing, or a label for it, or acknowledgement that actually it is quite common for folk with the type of mental-health issues that I have to experience this.

And trust me, Anhedonia and the failure or lack of explanation or diagnosis has had a devastating effect on both myself and my relationships with other.

Its impact on relationships.

I think it is worth re-emphasizing here what I have just said.  Not only does Anhedonia have a complete impact on a sufferer’s relationship with his or her self but it can and probably will also have a very deep and significant impact on a sufferer’s relationship with others – especially with his or her family, partner, or spouse.

Relationships are after all built of bonds, commonalities and mutual connections.  Experiences and interests “enjoyed” between a husband and wife or between two lovers or between family members produce a commonality, a bond, a mutual connection between them and these are very much part of either the building blocks of relationships or indeed form part of the glue that binds those relationships together.

Consider this, if you will.  How demoralizing and destructive can it be when one partner or one person in a relationship fails to enjoy an activity or interest or event that the other(s) fully enjoy?  Especially where neither partner or person can fully explain or understand this apparent lack of enjoyment on the part of the one not enjoying it.

Let me ask you this – What would be your natural tendencies in this situation?  Would it be to blame the event or the interest or the activity?  Or possibly to blame the other person?  Or to blame yourself perhaps?

And what if this is not a one-off or an infrequent thing or even specific to one type of activity?  What if it is a regular or frequent thing and happens in respect of a whole plethora of activities or events?

Certainly the opportunity to blame the event, or interest, or activity is removed or at best reduced in these circumstances and thus the potential to consider whether the fault lies closer to home much greater.

Phrases such as, “Is it me?”, “Is it something I have done?” become common place either in communication or in thought.  And if part of that ‘building block’ or that ‘glue’ that I mentioned before and that binds people together is missing and the reason for this not understood such sadness-based and questioning phrases or thoughts are not only natural but are often joined by others such as, “we are drifting apart and I don’t know what to do about it” or “we are falling out of love and I don’;t know how to repair it.”

And it can get much worse and much more personal…

Add to this Anhedonia’s close cousin Sexual Anhedonia – sometimes experienced as a result of a number of possible causes including the use (or previous use) of SSRI antidepressants or of antidopaminergic neuroleptics and you really have a recipe for disaster, unless their presence is clearly recognized, acknowledged and understood – Trust me I speak from very real experience here.  (And there was I thinking I was just a lousy in bed LOL)

In my opinion, enjoying intimacy – be it physical, emotional, mental, spiritual or sexual intimacy – is not only invaluable to a close personal relationship but is in many ways essential.  Generally speaking we are hard-wired to need it, desire it, crave it, yearn for it.  There can in my opinion be very few equals when it comes to what is essentially a selfless selfish desire and our need for it.  And I say that meaning to imply no negativity whatsoever.

The withdrawal or absence of these or even the withdrawal or absence of an enjoyment of these can strike a devastating blow to any relationship unless the cause of that withdrawal or absence of enjoyment is identified and understood and thus compensated for, or worked around.

How do I know this?  Well let’s just say that I am a 50-year-old single parent whose marriage ended several years ago mainly as a result of my mental health related issues  not least which being, yes you guessed it – old Mr. Anhedonia and his cousin.

So if you think that this may be a part of the symptomatology that you or someone you love or care for experiences I encourage you to do more research on the whole subject of Anhedonia and to speak with your mental-health practitioners about it.

As I said before, I am no expert nor am I a mental health practitioner myself, I am but a mental health sufferer and survivor and I speak from very real experience in this matter.  And whilst I have tried to approach this subject from a fairly simplistic and light-hearted perspective I do so not to over-simplify it nor to deny or hide the very real hurt that this has caused and in some ways is still causing in my life – especially with what few relationships I have left.

I am as I said a 50-year-old single parent father whose marriage ended so,e years ago.  But I am also a guy who is isolated for a very large portion of his time – not through desire or because he necessarily enjoys being isolated –  but because he lacks that ability to desire or to enjoy the alternatives.

It is my sincerest hope and my fervent prayer that not only can this be reversed in my life but that as a result of this post/article perhaps others will be able to avoid some of the pain and suffering I have experienced as a result of not knowing about or understanding this symptom or condition.

CSSH – Covert Subtle Self-Harming

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Covert Subtle Self-Harming, CSSH, Distorted Perceptions, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Harming

Trigger Warning!

I wonder what picture comes immediately to mind when you hear the words ‘self-harming’?

When starting this blog I made a commitment that if it was ever really going to help anyone (including myself) I was going to need to be honest and open and that I would try to do that in all of my posts and comments.

Because of that I have made no secret of the fact that I am a self-harmer, although I must admit I tend to shy away from publishing any graphic details of how this manifests itself in my life and indeed I am also careful about how often I write about my self harming.

But self-harming, whilst it may inspire images of obvious albeit often hidden, physical surface damage, can actually manifest itself in many different ways.

Folk who struggle with depression and obesity may well comfort eat when they are stressed or depressed and indeed this be a form of self-harming.  Likewise Bulimia and Anorexia are nowadays often associated with self-harming. Similarly those folk who respond to their suicidal thoughts may also be classed as self-harming.

But what about self-harming that is less obvious and less physical?

Yesterday I posted in my post ‘Morning Has Broken’ that I was feeling a great deal better and indeed I was…

Mentally – The confusion/fog had lifted.  Clarity of thought was returning.  Even the voices and thoughts had let up a great deal.

Physically – Whilst still being a little tired, I had managed to get some sleep and did feel a little stronger.

Uncharacteristically  sensibly of me I didn’t rush into doing too much or over-taxing myself and instead paced myself in my efforts to get such things as paper work and housework caught up and yesterday was indeed a very good day.

BUT today things changed for the worse.  For the purpose of this post let me share what my day was like today…

As arranged, my son came and took me into town to go shopping, but I forgot to take my walking stick with me.  I realized half way there but didn’t mention it as I didn’t want to have to make him go back for it.  We were going into town for a little bit of shopping and then across town for more shopping.

In town, I wasn’t able to get half of the things that I needed. As for the other stuff that I needed but was able to get, instead of my being able to buy from the normal shop were I get them I had to try another shop as my normal choice of shop had run out.

The other shop again didn’t have what I needed but had an albeit poor substitute which I had to settle on.  BUT I had to climb a flight of stairs in order to get it and lo and behold half way up the stairs up my knees gave out, I became instantly fatigued and then my breathing followed suit and became very labored.

This meant the cancellation of the rest of the shopping trip and led to my becoming increasingly frustrated, angry and upset and that plus the fatigue and breathing problems have resulted in my having chest pains for most of the rest of the day.

Now I need to clarify at this point that I fully understand that shops run out of things especially this close after the Christmas and New Year period.  But you see I wasn’t angry at the shops I was angry and upset at myself for being so out of condition, so fat, and so sick, and so forgetful (in respect of my walking stick) that I couldn’t even go shopping properly.

Whilst I couldn’t hide my pain, lack of breath or fatigue from my son, I didn’t want to show him how frustrated, upset and angry at myself I was.  I try so hard not to let him see my illnesses or poor mental health as I don;t want others to suffer from my conditions.

Getting home I had a couple of calls that I had to make in respect of transport for my next hospital appointment (scheduled for Monday next week) and so once I had rested a little I tried making those calls only to receive no answer to my calls. So this added to my frustration and upset.

Again I understand that some folk may not be back at work after the Christmas and New Year break but again it wasn’t them or the lack of answer to my calls that frustrated or upset me it was the fact that I have known about this appointment for weeks but had forgotten to make arrangements before now.  So again it was me that was the target of yet more of my frustration and upset and anger.

Determined that I wouldn’t forget other important things I went online to pay some very important bills that needed to be paid either today or tomorrow but when I tried they wouldn’t go through.

I retried, checking, double checking, and triple checking that I had entered all my details correctly – because obviously I can’t even do a simple task like pay bill’s online right – and still they wouldn’t go through.

Logging into my bank account I then realized the problem.  A bill that comes out of my account via direct debit if I haven’t already paid it online via my card, had indeed come out of my account this morning! WHY?  Because I stupidly hadn’t paid it by my card when I was supposed to because my mental health and the subsequent confusion that it causes me got me all in a muddle and I thought I had paid it when I hadn’t!

I share all this not because I need to vent, which I probably do, nor because I am looking for pity which I am not, nor because I am over it all now and feeling much better about myself, which again I am not.  But because it illustrates and emphasizes  the point I am trying to make about what I have termed (for want of a better label) as ‘CSSH’ – ‘Covert Subtle Self-Harming’.

Did you notice, when reading my account of my day today, just how much I attacked, ridiculed and harshly judged myself in that account?  Trust me none of what I have shared about my day has been exaggerated nor have I added any embellishments for effect.  It really is how I treat myself mentally when I have done stupid things or when my mental health is better and I start to realize things that have gone wrong or that I have screwed up during the episode of poor mental or physical health.

Is this sound familiar to anyone?  Why do I do this?  I know full well that I have mental and physical health issues and I know full well how this can affect me and that I often mess up or forget things or get confused during episodes of very poor mental or even physical health.

Additionally, I am fully aware that this self-critical attitude of harshly judging, ridiculing and mentally self-attacking reaction and behavior only serves to get me even more worked up and is thus detrimental to both my physical and mental health and thus qualifies as a form of self-harming.

But see that is the point isn’t it?  I am self-harming because I am punishing myself or at very least turning my frustration with my health and illnesses against myself.  It may not be as obvious as physically harming myself but it is still self-harming and I am pretty sure I am not the only one who does it.

And here is the stupidity of it all.  Not one single second, nor one entire episode of doing this is going to change the fact that I do have poor mental and physical health, do get fatigued, do get confused and so sometimes forget things or get muddled or mess things up.  In fact it has the opposite effect as it get me even more aggravated mentally and this in turn aggravates my heart condition.

Not one single second, nor one entire episode of doing this is going to help the fact that I have to deal with not being able to pay these bills tomorrow.  In fact it has the opposite effect because I need to be able to focus and deal with them rationally and calmly but am already worked up and extremely anxious over it all and know it is going to affect my ability to sleep tonight.

As I said above, ‘CSSH’ or ‘Covert Subtle Self-Harming’ may not be as obvious as physically harming and I need to learn to stop doing it.  BUT again, I am pretty sure I am not the only one who does it and needs to stop it. Am I?

Altered Perceptions, Distorted Glass and Corrupted Caretakers.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

‘Altered Perceptions.’ I guess we all suffer from them at some point or other in life don’t we?

The idea that someone really doesn’t like you when actually they do. The notion that we are fat when actually we aren’t. (Not a problem I face you understand.) The idea that you are perfectly capable of something when the truth is that actually you aren’t.

These are but a few examples and I am sure you could easily add others to the list. But where do they come from?

Christmas Eve I was with a dear friend of mine and her family and during the course of the  evening her children were allowed to open one present each.  One of the children opened his present and it was the tower stacking game ‘Jenga’.

We watched as the kids played it and I made a joke that I had the Christian version of the game – Babel.

Not a particularly great joke but we all laughed but it did get me to thinking.  Those who are familiar with the biblical story if the Tower of Babel will know perhaps that this great tower was being built by man but that their efforts were then thwarted by ‘confusion’.

In the game of Jenga you stack the uniformly shaped blocks on top of each other and then take it in turns removing one block at a time without causing the stack to tumble.  Additionally you place the block that you have just removed on top of the stack and this not only increases the potential for accidents and resultant tumbling but also extends the potential length of the game.  If you have a keen eye and a steady hand it can be a simple enough game but one that provides a great deal of fun.

I wonder however just how easy it would be if each of the players were given a pair of spectacles to wear that contained distorted glass and that thus distorted what he or she was seeing.

Life can be very much like the game of Jenga in some ways.  A series of experiences stacked one upon another and which sometime cause us to tumble and to have to rebuild.  And if life can be like the game of Jenga then certainly poor mental health can sometimes be like those spectacles made of distorted glass.

Just as distorted glass corrupts our perception so can poor mental health corrupt our perception.

And what about these corrupted perceptions that we get that are crippling or debilitating in some way?

I have to be honest here and say that this is perhaps one of the spin-offs or side effects of my mental health that I find to be the most damaging and most harmful. Not only because of their cancerous nature but because often they can become self-feeding and self-perpetuating.

I think a great many of them stem from uncertainty or doubt and in a lot of cases from being subjected to criticism or critical environments.

I also have to say that in a great many cases this happens in early childhood with the resultant difficulties manifesting or re-manifesting in later life.

One of the primary roles of our parents, siblings and teachers when we are young is to teach us how to grow and live, how to view the world and how to get on in the world.

They are in many ways the spectacles through which we do view and understand the world that we have been born into until we are old enough to view it and understand it for ourselves.  BUT what if their perceptions (the glass that they are in our spectacles to life if you will) are  distorted?  Doesn’t that provide the potential for us to develop wrong thinking, altered perceptions, distorted concepts and precepts?

Even in later life, the very fact that we know we don’t always think correctly can mean that we can all too easily take ownership of doubt or uncertainty or criticism that doesn’t belong to us and that should by rights have no part in us within us.  Especially where we were taught and/or treated incorrectly and subjected to such negativity or criticism when we are young.

Suffering from poor mental health at any age can, I feel, breed an environment where this doubt or uncertainty but even more so I think when that mental health is experienced in the young.

If my mind was a computer I am sure that this following warning message would pop up on a regular basis….

Of course we don’t have such luxuries (or annoyances) inbuilt within us and very often have to rely on others for their input and feedback.

This places a huge responsibility on our caretakers does it not?  But it also places a huge amount of power on them also and sadly this can be sometimes be misused or even abused.

For me personally I have suffered poor mental health from a very early age (or at least for as long as I can remember – since a great deal of my early life is hidden it seems from my memory and part of my mental health is certainly self-doubt, uncertainty and self-criticism.

Knowing that my mind sometimes “encounters a problem” and that my perceptions are often ‘altered perceptions’ and thus untrue I very often doubt myself and when something that I say or do causes others discomfort or pain I go into a form of self-destruct that is neither productive or healthy.

Readers of this blog will know that my mental health has worsened greatly over the past few days and indeed has caused me (and sadly  one or two others) some difficulties which have caused me (to a certain extent) to tumble and to withdraw and isolate.

Because I live alone and thus do not have a primary caretaker/caregiver this is very easy for me to do. So all I have to rely on are my faith, my intelligence, my experience, my logic and the communication that I have with my family and indeed with the readers of this blog and especially with those readers who choose to comment.

Whilst I am still not sleeping and whilst I know that the self-harming and suicidal thoughts and suggestions are still present I do feel a little stronger today and am very thankful for that.  I am convinced that it is i no small part due to the fact over the past few days I have been greatly blessed by some of the communications and comments that I have had and I wanted to take the opportunity to thank everyone for their support.

If you are experiencing any of the things I have mentioned above please know that there is hope and if you are a caretaker/caregiver – especially if you are a parent of someone experiencing poor mental health, please do take note of my comments.  Your role is extremely important in the management and recovery of the mental health of the person you are caring for.

It is my fervent hope that this last episode of extremely poor mental health for me is coming to an end and I can sleep and concentrate and focus once more.  But regardless of how long it takes before things fully improve I really am very grateful for all the support I have received.

DO NOT FEED THE BEARS!

Tags

BEARS, bullying, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

I wonder what you think of when you think of bears?

Perhaps cute and cuddly stuffed toys?

Perhaps you are more realistic and think of real bears…

Perhaps you are somewhere in between and think of real but still cute bears…

Or perhaps you think of cartoon or art-based bears such as these that I drew some years back….

Or perhaps you go the other way completely and think of scary bears…

Bears come in all shapes and sizes don’t they?  And I would think most of us at one time or another either in person – at a zoo or wildlife park or reserve – or even on television would have seen a sign like this…

But what if the BEARS I am talking about are not the cute and cuddly things or the art or cartoon things nor indeed real life mammals?

What if the BEARS I am talking about are around us everyday, come in all shapes and sizes and indeed disguises and do more harm than all the mammal typed bears put together?  What if BEARS in the context I am speaking of is an acronym?

• B – Bullying  (bludgeoning, browbeating, harassing,)
• E – Expectations (assumptions, suppositions, presumptions, persuasions)
• A – Accusations (blame giving, charging, incrimination)
• R – Rationale (thinking, logic, belief or actions)
• S – Suggestions (approaches, suspicions, condemnations)

It’s an interesting consideration isn’t it?  The more I read or hear of human nature, the more I recognize that we all of us suffer from Bullying Expectations, Accusations, Rationale or Suggestions.

They really are around us everyday and not only from other people but also from ourselves and our own thoughts!

I cannot begin to describe the actual or potential destructive effect these have on all of us.  Just look at the suicide figures for your area or indeed the levels of mental health related illnesses as a result of depression etc.

And for those of us who do suffer from poor mental health the potential and the experiences can be much more severe.

These BEARS, these – Bullying Expectations, Accusations, Rationale or Suggestions are like predators.  One they have found us they can stay with us and hunt us down it seems.

Additionally they can do so much damage either immediately or progressively and can maim or scar us for life if allowed and without doubt have led to many a suicide especially it seems within young people nowadays.  It is therefore essential for us to do all we can to identify them, recognize them and to avoid them wherever possible.

And let us make no mistake here as I said before they can come from many sources and in many disguises, some of which seeming so friendly and innocent.  So we have to be careful.

In this post I have tried, whilst high-lighting the problem, to keep the subject fairly lighthearted, but I really can’t begin to describe the damage that can be done here.   I really do encourage everyone to give this some serious thought in respect how we allow others to talk to and treat us, how we talk to and treat others and especially how we talk to and treat ourselves!

It is my fervent hope and prayer that in our dealings with each other and especially with our children and young people and also ourselves that we …

Dear Me, Letter To A Younger Self

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Dear me, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, letter to a former self, letter to a younger self, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

Ok so this is going to be a little different…

I have just finished writing and publishing Part nine of the “Managing The Madness Series”. Part nine is in fact entitled “When talking to yourself is not a sign of madness” and in it I explained that I had recently read a letter that the; actor, comedian, journalist and author, Stephen Fry recently wrote to his former 16 year old self in response to a letter that he, at 16, had written to his future self.

I went on to explain how this had given me the idea that actually, as daft and unorthodox as it may at first seem, writing a letter to our former self could indeed provide us with some great insights, and asked “whether it could provide us with some form of release, some form of benefit, some element of healing or forgiveness, some kind of catharsis”

If you want to know more or to fully understand the letter that I am going to publish below you can find my original concept by clicking on the “Managing The Madness” page link at the top right hand corner of this page or “ click here..

So having suggested that this could indeed be a very beneficial exercise and realizing that as potentially beneficial as it is, it is still a very scary prospect I promised that I would publish the “letter to my former self” that I had just written.

I fully realize that by publishing this, I will be opening myself up to potential hurt or even ridicule and indeed may even open up some doors to things never previously discussed with family and loved ones, but I am so keen to demonstrate that actually writing a letter of this type can be done and can have some benefit that I am willing to take this risk.

What follows is therefore that letter. My “Dear Me” letter – my letter to my former younger self. I have not edited it in any way and I publish it just as it was written..

Dearest Kevin,

I know that you do not really know me and that this letter is going to come as a surprise to you, and I apologise if it comes as a shock but hope that you will see that I had to write it.

To be honest, it is my sincerest hope that if you; get this letter in time, if you take time to read it, and if you truly take my words to your heart, you will never ever know me and never get a chance to become me. Not the full me at least.

You see, I am “you” or at least I am the ”you” that you have become many years in the future. It is confusing I know but I so very much wanted to write to you telling you some truths that somehow we – you and I – have never been able to understand or accept.

You see I know the thoughts and feelings that you (that we) have had for so long now. Thoughts and feelings of; being unloveable, of worthlessness, of guilt, and of being somehow damaged even irreparable.

Yes Kevin, even now some forty years into your future I still struggle with these.
For as long as I can remember I too have heard and sadly listened to and believed those voices, those thoughts, those feelings that tell me I am not worth anything, that I am ugly, dirty, useless, worthless. Voices, thoughts and feelings that convince us that we are not worth loving and that seeing as we are not worth loving that those who want to hurt us or abuse us can do so.

But you see those voices, those thoughts, those feelings are wrong, so very wrong and we have no right to listen to them let alone to believe them and I so desperately want for you to know that and to know it now before everything goes so terribly wrong.

You are so very young. Only ten years of age, and trust me I know how already things have gone astray in your young life and how desperately alone you feel.

When you slide into your bed at night and lay there unable to sleep, scared, and alone, desperately trying to face those thoughts and feelings and voices not knowing how to stop them, to change them, to heal them, I have been and am there with you also.

I know only too well, how much you try to hide the way you feel, the thoughts you have and the voices that you hear, from your family and your teachers, and those around you for fear of rejection or ridicule or worse. But I beg of you dear sweet child, I beg of you to trust them and to let them into your inner hidden shame-filled world. Because if you don’t, and trust me I am talking from experience here it will go on to damage you and hurt you and to destroy relationships that you should never have lost.

And even more than this, it will lead you to form relationships that you should never have begun and that will hurt and damage you even more deeply than I care to think of.

Kevin, dear sweet Kevin, how deeply I wish I could be there with you to hold you, hug you, guide you and help you find the healing that you so desperately need and so deeply desire. I cannot begin to place into words, knowing now what lies in your (in our) future if you do not get this letter, the sense of urgency that I feel in trying to change the course of life that you are on.

I desire so deeply for you not to go through what happens to you both in your very near future and beyond it and for you to NOT make those attempts that I know are going to come to try in an attempt to end it all, not to mention those the decisions and actions that you take as a result of the misplaced feelings and beliefs that you mistakenly hold as being true.
Kevin, if you take nothing else from my words to you please, please, accept and believe what I am going to say to you next. Take my words, hold them in your heart and never let go of them. “Life IS WORTH LIVING because YOU ARE WORTH LOVING and what is more YOU CAN BE LOVED and ARE LOVED despite the way you feel.”

Kevin, I know those words are difficult to hear and even harder to believe. But take it from me, and let’s not forget that I am actually you, just and older and hopefully wiser and more experienced you, those words are true and the thoughts and feelings and voices – those hateful, harmful, deceptive and malicious, lying thoughts, feelings and voices – that you and I are so used to knowing and believing are all wrong, so very wrong.

Kevin, I have to close this letter now. I wish so very much that I could write more, share more, show you more. And yet even as I have written the words I have just written, I have come to understand that actually a large part of who I am (who we are) today is in part as a result of what I have been through and what you may yet still go through.

There are so many things in my life that I am thankful for, and trust me Kevin, so many wonderful things that you have yet to experience. Love, marriage, parenthood, your ministry and the faith that I know you already have and yet don’t fully understand or appreciate.

Kevin, please trust me when I tell you that I know the things that you have done and I know the secrets of your heart – the questions, the confusions, the conflicts and the victories. The joys, the fears, the wounds, the guilts, the dreams, and the hopes that are all present there held safe and secure within.

Admit the things you have done sweet child, and accept the love and forgiveness that is offered in return. Trust your family no matter how hard that may seem right now. Because the years of love shared with them that you may lose as a result of not trusting them now can never be regained. Trust me I have tried.

And above all else please, please, know that nothing is greater than God’s love. Not those voices, those feelings, those thoughts, nor the guilt, the pain nor the hurt. None of them, whether individually or combined, are or could ever be greater than God’s love or God’s love for you.

With much love and deep hope,

Kevin.  November 29th, 2011.

So there you have it. My letter to a younger (10 year old) me. If in the publishing of this letter I have opened doorways to things not previously discussed and in so doing have hurt any of my loved ones then I am truly sorry and I hope that you will understand my motivations.

Being Real

Tags

Self-Harming

I woke up this morning so very tired and so very unsure.  Unsure of what I would find this morning as a result of my being unsure about what I did last night.

No I wasn’t hung over and no I didn’t get drunk last night.  For the record I don’t drink – partly because of choice and partly because I am too many meds to allow me to drink.

No. What I was unsure of was a) had I hurt myself? and b) should I have written what I wrote last night whilst I was struggling with the compulsions? And also I guess c) (deriving from b) should I delete what I did write last night?

So I lay there for a while, not wanting to move, not wishing to know and if I am honest not wanting to hurt.  But of course staying in bed was not an option and so I pulled back my duvet and looked for the tell-tale signs.

None was there!  I got up and checked my body and found that I was right. I had not given in and had NOT “Hurt myself today” as the song and title of my last post suggested.

So what do I do?  Do I simply delete the previous posting and pretend it never happened?  I decided to re-read it and then make my decision.

So having washed and dressed and grabbed the compulsory cup of coffee this morning I sat and re-read my previous post.

Here is my great concern.  I don’t want to worry people and I don’t want to trigger people.  I would hate for folk who were suffering with their own difficulties in respect of self-harming to come across and read that posting and for this to add to their compulsions.

BUT by the same token I do want to be real.  I do want to be honest and the fact of the matter is that whilst I did struggle with those urges that compulsion last night the really important thing is that I didn’t cave-in to them!

And I think that is such an important part of all this.  Because I really do believe that there is a falsehood that we who struggle with “self-harming” buy into concerning this illness and that falsehood is the one saying that we are “powerless” in these circumstances.  The TRUTH is that we are far from powerless!

The truth is that we have choices and the truth is that we have both the right and the freedom to make those choices.  I accept (and trust me I know) that when those urges, those compulsions, come we feel less able to make the right choice but that doesn’t detract from our freedom or right to make that right choice.

So I have made my decision about whether or not to delete last night’s post.   I am, going to keep it and counter balance it against this morning’s response/post.  For if last night’s post  does anything it does perhaps bring out into the open some of the pressures that self-harming brings.  It is my fervent hope that if this morning’s post does anything it does bring into the equation the proof that we don’t have to give in. We don’t have to respond negatively. We don’t have to serve a sentence that we never earned.  We can conquer it and we can be free of it.

 

I Hurt Myself Today

Tags

Self-Harming

TRIGGER WARNING!  Please note that this post will, judging by my current mental state, be both raw and earthy and will deal with matters relating to self-harming.  If you personally struggle with this issue and are feeling vulnerable, insecure or unsteady at this time perhaps it would be advisable to defer reading this post until another time.

“I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember, everything “

Trent Reznor or Johnny Cash fans will no doubt recognize the lyrics to Trent’s song  “Hurt” (covered by Johnny Cash) and first released on the “Nine Inch Nails” album circa 1994.

It is a song that has caused some controversy and indeed there is some dispute about the song’s meaning and I for one am certainly not going to enter into that arena with an opinion.  Firstly because I do not have one and secondly because I believe that song lyrics are very often less about what the original writer intended and more about what the songs actually says or means to the listener.  Certainly that is true of this song for me right about now.

You see I find myself really struggling again and I am really struggling against the old compulsions.

“I hurt myself today. To see if I still feel. I focus on the pain. The only thing that’s real.”

Words that are playing over and over in my mind propelled by thoughts that echo and empower and seemingly enchant them.

“BUT THOSE WORDS ARE NOT TRUE!”  The rational part of my mind shrieks out at me from somewhere within the chaos in a desperate attempt to protect and divert me. Indeed they are right because the very fact that I have this urge confirms the fact that I still feel – even if what I feel is the emptiness or the void.  And anyway I HAVEN’T “hurt myself today”.  Actually I am desperately trying to avoid doing so.

Am I focusing on the pain?  Is that what I do when I get this way? I mean I know that I self-harm in two different and specific ways and that each way has its on purpose – that much I have worked out.  But am I focusing on the pain?  And even if I am, which pain?  The pain that causes these compulsions or the pain that acting on these compulsions causes?

And is the pain the only thing that is real?  I mean honestly, is it?  What about love and hope and compassion and forgiveness and faith and …. the list goes on but are any of them really relevant when I am like this?  Are any of them really strong enough when I am like this?

When my mental health is really bad – like now – and I am extremely cross or extremely frustrated at myself as a result of something I did that shouldn’t have done or that I didn’t do but should have done I hurt myself by burning. It is a punishment.  Plain and simple.  Nothing exceptional there.

Other times when my mental health is really bad – like now – and I feel so pent up, so frustrated, so lost, so entangled I don’t seek to punish myself I seek, I need, (or at very least have convinced myself that I need) some form of release instead.  So I mark and I cut.

“The needle tears a hole.  The old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away. But I remember, everything “

“NO IT DOESN’T!”  Again my mind shrieks out at me.  And it is right.  It doesn’t tear a hole.  For a hole just isn’t enough for me.  Actually it tears a great trough (several troughs) – plows a nasty red line (several lines).

See I have progressed (if indeed that is what it is) from using blades and razors to using the needles from my blood glucose testing kit.  They do less damage and besides I have removed all other sharp objects from my bedroom (since that seems to be the place where it happens the most.) It reduces the damage and thus the guilt and the subsequent (fall-out) pain experienced by the collateral damage that is my skin.

No it doesn’t tear a hole, no matter how familiar that sting is (and yes that sting is certainly familiar). And I don’t try to kill it all away. I just need or want (or whatever you want to call it) to release it all away. And I do remember everything, but here’s the deal I can cope with it all afterwards.

Like the first part of the song the last part is incredible and certainly I can relate to the words and indeed the sentiments that the words invoke in me…

I know the isolation.  I live the guilt. I hide the canvass of evidence 0f my failure to cope that is now marked for all to see were I but to let them. I serve the sentence that I have given myself as a result of my action -even if those actions result from the actions of others who should have known better, done better, loved better.

I cannot in all honesty claim that the actions I take upon my body do not fulfill at least in part or at least for the “now” the purpose to which they are designed or intended.  BUT should they?  Can they ever fully?  Are they the only way?  Are they the best way?

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Again my mind shrieks out to me – echoed by the imagined voices of all those whom I know care for me and love me.  So I will revert instead to my compulsion management techniques, my coping and diversion techniques.  I will pray, flick elastic bands, chew on ice-cubes, listen to upbeat and soothing music, go for a walk or hide in my bed, or play a focus hungry game, write a poem or two.

Will I call for help?  I seldom do as I hate the thought of being a burden. Will I succeed in defeating the compulsions? Who knows.  I can’t lie to you and pretend to be all confident and up-beat.

As I write I find myself questioning if I should  even publish this post and yet how many others out there are going through the same thing as me right now,  or go through them so very often?  How do I stay honest and open and be real about how I am feeling right now whilst at the same time acknowledge and share the facts that…

Actually the frequency of these compulsions has drastically reduced.

Actually the amount of damage I do to myself even when I do cave in is much less.

Actually there is hope even if so much of my mind wants me to belief there is no hope.

Perhaps I will publish this now and delete it tomorrow.  I have to go,  I need to walk, move about.  I need to pray.

An illness that was mistaken for an overcoat.

Tags

Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obesity, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Rejection, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

Yes I know, it seems to be an unusual perhaps even an odd title for a post. But then is it so unusual? Is it really so odd?

Many, many years ago – in my youth (and yes I did I think actually have one) there was an elderly lady who lived down the road from me. I knew not her name, nor her occupation, her circumstances of life, her nature or personality or indeed anything about her other than the fact that she lived on her own, down the road from me, never seemed to have visitors and always, whether rain or shine, went out in the same shiny blue overcoat. A shiny blue overcoat which became (to all intents and purposes) to me at least (and I am sure to others) her identity.

Sad isn’t it? Had I been much older I would no doubt have struck up a conversation or three with her and perhaps gotten to know her better, befriended her even. But young people (even in those days) can often be quite thoughtless. What was it that Oscar Wilde pointed out? “Youth is wasted on the young?”

But ask yourself this, if you will… “Am I the only one who mistakenly has assigned an identity to someone or something?” Let’s go a little further perhaps… Ask yourself this,”Have you, do you ever mistakenly assign an identity to someone or something?”

Please don’t get me wrong here. I am, of course, not talking about thinking that you knew someone when actually you had never met them and were mistakenly thinking they were someone else.

What I am talking about is how we see people with illnesses, disabilities, mental health difficulties. Indeed I am also talking about how we interact with them.

See here is the deal, when folk think of me I would very much like them to think of me for who I am, who I really am – my nature and character, my loves, my hopes, my ambitions, my fears, my abilities and yes even my inabilities.

Do I mind that folk know of my mental health issues? No not really, I am long since passed trying to hide it and long since passed worrying about what folk may or may not think of me in that regard. But I am very much concerned that the mental health issues that I or anyone else may have doesn’t become my or their identity.

You see when I get up in the morning, I pray a little and then I go to my bathroom and I wash and dry myself before then going to my wardrobe and/or chest of drawers, selecting the clothes that I am going to wear (unless I have pre-selected them the night before which I often do) and then I get dressed.

Now whilst I cannot guarantee that I follow this routine each and every morning without fail, (sometimes I get up late, sometimes I can’t really get up at all, and sometimes I may forget to pray) what I can guarantee is that when selecting the what I am going to wear that day I never ever deliberately select the mental health that I am going to experience that day.

The reason for this is quite simple- my mental health is not an overcoat! Neither is it a shirt, a jacket, a sweater, socks, shoes, trousers/pants or underwear for that matter.

Do I accept that I have some (often times varying) control over how it may affect me and thus how it may affect others who know me? Yes of course I do. But I can assure you that I have little to no control over whether or not it is with me each day or indeed to what degree or indeed what effect it will or won’t have on either me or on my relationships. And I would venture to suggest that the same is true for most folk experiencing mental health and other medical issues.

So here is my challenge to you the reader…

Consider those folk you know who do suffer mental or physical health issues. And let there be no mistake here, when I ask you to consider those folk who you know who suffer from some mental or physical health issues, I also want to you to include yourself if appropriate and to ask these questions in respect of yourself also.

Ask yourself how you really see them?
Ask yourself how you really treat them?
Do you truly feel you see and treat them fairly.
Do you believe, understand and/or accept that their (or if applicable your) mental or physical health issues and the subsequent effects are in the main not something they (or you) have chosen but something involuntarily experienced?

In short, “Is your relationship with that person truly with that person or indeed is it with the illness? Or in other words, Is it perhaps with – An illness that was mistaken for an overcoat?”

Tempestuous Times.

Now for those of you who, like me, are fans of literature and the arts and indeed of Shakespeare the title of this post bares little reference to Shakespeare’s play The Tempest and more reference to the word’s meaning – although I do of course accept that there are similarities between the play’s circumstances and those of my own.

Indeed in terms of the tempestuousness of my current situation I (much like Prospero) find myself set adrift and indeed very much stranded by circumstance and my own mental health.

I am isolated and I know it. There are storms and I feel them. I cannot sleep despite all attempts to sleep. I am in this beautiful world so very much alone within the island prison of my mental health issues. Unlike Prospero I have no Miranda to keep me company and indeed am left with the thoughts and voices that haunt me and that, much like Caliban, are deformed and monsterous and unlike Prospero and Caliban’s relationship seemed to have saught out and adopted me not the other way around and which (again unlike the former) seek to destroy as opposed to teaching to survive.

I am taking my meds, I am eating healthily, I am doing what I can and yet the tempestuous times still haunt and surround and imprison me. I yearn for the final curtain. I grow weary. I tire, so very deeply tire of the voices which ask, “Canst thou remeber, A time before we came unto this cell?”