Sorely Tempted

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Boils, Hidradenitis suppurativa, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Personal Journal, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

It’s a common enough phrase, isn’t it?  ‘Sorely Tempted’ I mean.  “Honestly, he got me so mad I felt like slapping him.  I mean it. I was sorely tempted.”  Is a line from a conversation I remember having with someone about how their husband had behaved one morning.  (And of course I am not advocating hitting husbands here.  I just wanted to demonstrate the common nature of the phrase.)

However I want to use it in a slightly different way within this post, and am deliberately playing with words here.  What if I were to write it as ‘Sore’ly tempted and to tell you that this post is as much about sores and boils as it is about self-image and self-confidence?

About two and a bit years ago I wrote a post entitled “Sometimes, what it al ‘boils’ down to…” and in that post I wrote openly up about the boils and sores that I frequently have.  And I  even went as far as displaying pictures of the state of my skin as a result of these boils and of some of the boils themselves.

And I did so because I felt that it was an important issue.  And the truth is that I still feel the same way.  Especially since I am still receiving comments and emails concerning this issue and the experiences that others have with the same issue.

The truth is that as well as the physical difficulties which can result from such a condition (pain or physical discomfort, discomfort or difficulties walking, additional laundry requirements, the ruining of clothes. etc) there are other difficulties as well.

Things which perhaps we would not initially consider.  Such as the impact it can have on who we are as a person.

And the truth is that whilst I do personally believe that often, the presence of mental illness or poor mental health can complicate – even exaggerate – the impact of such a condition, the fact remains that so many different things can play into and impact our self-image and self-confidence regardless of whether mental illness or poor mental health is present.

For example I recently received a comment (on the previous post I mentioned) which really brought this home to me.  And I will share a part of it here with you…

I, also, have suffered from this issue for nearly 15 years. I am currently 24 years old and at the age of 11 or 12, I noticed painful, large boil-like abscesses regularly appearing on my inner thighs. Within a couple of years, the issue began to get so much worse and as a cheerleader, I had to do stretches at practice that made this issue visible to all of my friends. I tried to hide it as best as I could, but sometimes friends or family members of mine would question why I had a “rash” on my inner thighs. It was so embarrassing and definitely put a damper on my confidence as a teenager.

I can so relate to what was being shared in that comment and my heart went out to her.  I may not be a cheerleader (trust me I never have been).  Nor am I a teenager. Nor does my life present me with many situations where anyone would see the sores or the boils which I still experience.  But I certainly do remember and still (on the very rare occasions when someone is likely to see my boils and sores – such as at the doctors or the hospital) know and understand the impact, embarrassment, and even the sense of shame which we can allow ourselves to feel when they are seen by someone else.

Additionally, I also have an adult daughter who suffers from Psoriasis.  A condition which causes plaque like blotches all over her body including her most intimate parts.

And I know, from dealing with this with her, just how this has impacted her self-image and self-confidence and indeed her willingness to have intimate relationships with anyone.

But here’s the deal, and it really is a question which we all need to ask ourselves.  So many of us who experience mental illness or poor mental health will actively speak out about the stigma that is often wrongly attached to us and to others with mental illness or poor mental health.

“It is wrong.”  We shout.  Or “You cannot treat people who have a mental condition, one which is, in the main, beyond their control, differently.” And we say,  “You cannot (justly or fairly) look at them as being somehow inferior, somehow damaged, simply because of their condition!” And the truth is that we are right to do so and it is tragic that even in this day and age we still have to say such things.

But what about our unsightly or unappealing physical conditions?  Such as boils and sores, Hidradenitis suppurativa,  or psoriasis or other such conditions?  And what about the way we allow having these conditions (and other people’s reactions to them) to impact the way we see our selves.

Often these conditions last a very ling time and all we can do is try to manage them.  In respect of the boils and sores, as the young lady whose comment I featured above also noted…

I do have one HUGE tip I could share that may help some of you…. ALWAYS, ALWAYS try to keep the crevices of your body as dry as possible. Moisture always seems to trigger the onset of boils. If you work out or notice that you are sweating a lot, immediately shower if you can and following this, apply medicated baby powder to your thigh/buttocks area, underneath armpits, under breasts, or any other crease in your body. If you have to, blow dry your body.

So there are things that we can do to reduce their physical impact and hopefully to prevent the physical scarring such as mine…

 

But as I said, it is not only about the physical effects and physical scarring is it?

Like I said, I may not be a cheerleader (trust me I never have been).  Nor am I a teenager and nor am I concerned about either having intimate relationship or the way my body looks within those relationships.

But I am concerned about how we see ourselves and how loving and accepting we are of ourselves – warts and all so to speak.

The world – media, social sites, advertising (or so it seems to me) is obsessed with physical beauty and even physical or cosmetic perfection.  But aren’t we so much more than this?  Shouldn’t we all be looking deeper than the (often artificial) exterior?

As I mentioned above, my heart went out to the young lass who commented on my previous posting on this subject.  And so if you are suffering from such a condition as the one I experience and have illustrated above, I so deeply want to say this to you.

I fully accept that I am older and that I no longer suffer the same kind of peer pressure that many youngsters still experience.  But I have – over the years – learned two very important things.

Firstly, we are so much more than just what is presented on the outside, and actually very often what is present on the outside – no matter how aesthetically appealing it might seem – is nothing like what is on the inside.

And secondly, true friends, true loved ones, people who really care and thus who really matter in life, will look beyond what it on the outside and love you, care for you for who you are on the inside.

So today I really want to encourage you.

No matter how bad things may seem, no matter how much your condition may impact the physical, love the you beyond the physical.  Love the you inside and never let anyone or anything judge you purely on the outside.

Never allow the outside to hide your love and your acceptance and you caring for the you on the inside.  No matter how ‘sore’ly tempted you may be!

 

 

 

 

 

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What If You Were To Dress Your Thoughts?

Tags

Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Somewhere in the wee small hours of the night (more like very early morning really). Within the troubled yoyoing of being asleep and being awake which played with me all night last night, a  questioned formed within my mind and then simply sat there defiantly until I paid it some attention.

My thoughts often do that – not leaving me until I have at least acknowledged them and walked a little, down what ever path they seek to take me.

And this one came in the form of a question which simply would not, has not gone.  That question (as the title of this post would suggest) was, “What if you were to dress your thoughts?”

I seem to remember that when I was a child my older sister had paper dress up games.  She would have a figure – which would be a push-out or cut out piece of cardboard and some pictures of different clothing – complete with fold over tabs – and she could use each clothing to make different outfits for the cardboard figure.

And when I first decided to actually give some sort of attention to the defiant question in my mind that is what I first thought of.

Of course I then lay there – awaiting the next sporadic visit of sleep – wondering just what I would ever want to dress my thoughts for?  (Did I mention that my thoughts often desire for me to acknowledge them and walk a little, down what ever path they seek to take me?)

“Not all your thoughts.” I determined, somewhere along the line.  “Just the repetitive, recurring, harmful thoughts.”  And certainly that made a little more sense to me. Because perhaps in the process of doing so it would reveal something to me?

We all have those internal dialogues don ‘t we?  Those recurring thoughts that somehow wont go away?  And is it not true that for some of us – with poor mental health – these harmful repetitive recurring thoughts play into and impact our mental health?

So what if we were to dress them?  What if we were to take each of them, in turn, and to find; an outfit, a clothing, an identity, which suited them?

For me personally, so many of my internal dialogues are – due to my mental illnesses – mixed up with the seemingly external dialogues that I hear.  But there are some which are evidently internal in origin and which are recurring and repetitive and which evidently do cause harm to my mental health.  Indeed, I have to ask myself – since my mind was so insistent that I considered this whole thing – if clothing them would bring them some clarity?

So what if I were to ‘dress’ them?  What if I were to find an outfit which suited them? Could finding an outfit which seemed right for them (Individually I mean) actually help me to identify where they originated?  And indeed, if I knew where they originated from, would I be better equipped to address them?  To dismiss them if they were unjust or unfair or to learn from them if they were justified?

I have to be honest with you.  The way my mind is at the moment I am not sure I am even thinking rationally but it is something that does interest me.

As a Christian I am  particularly mindful of the scripture in  2 Corinthians 10:5 which basically tells us to “Take captive every thought” and yes I am paraphrasing there.

But it is a real encouragement given to all Christians and one which does link directly into what I have been considering.

Perhaps in dressing the thought I am giving the thought the identity of it’s origin and thus can see it more clearly and can therefore take it ‘captive’.

Certainly the very idea of taking all the thoughts, internal and external dialogues, etc captive and stopping their free run of havoc within my mind seems so very appealing right now.

And who knows perhaps I, and my mind would even be able to get some sleep!

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Three

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30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy

Day 3: What treatment or coping skills are most effective for you?

Today’s subject (in this 30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge) is a very interesting one for me.

And once again it challenges me to think about the way in which I try to manage (and/or allow others to help me manage) my mental health/illnesses and the type and level of impact that it has on my life.

The question asks me to consider both ‘treatment’ and ‘coping skills’ which are or have been most effective.  And if I am truly honest I can offer very little in respect of ‘treatment’.

In my previous posts (within this challenge, and indeed elsewhere) I made mention of the long and drawn out journey that is often experienced before gaining a diagnosis.  And it is worth mentioning here perhaps – by way of encouragement to others undergoing this journey – that along side this (and very often coupled to this) there can often be a veritable roller coaster ride of different medications and treatments whilst they find the ones which are most effective.

Treatment

It is also worth mentioning – in the spirit of openness and honesty – that I personally am notoriously bad at taking my medication. And in fact – in terms of treatment (outside of medication) – the only other ‘official’ treatments that I have received in respect of my mental illnesses/health were many years ago and through…

a) the regular visits of a psychiatric social worker – who took me out and helped me to interact socially. and

b) a series of Cognitive Therapy Sessions which helped me to understand and come to terms with my mental illnesses.

That having been said both of these were, in my personal experience, extremely beneficial.

Which brings me to the subject of…

Coping skills.

For me personally, this is the most important part of managing my mental illnesses/health.  And over the years I have developed ‘coping’ several skills or techniques designed to (and fairly effective) in helping me manage my mental illnesses.  But in order to understand their benefits I guess I also need to give and indication of how my mental health works and also to identify the need or behavior which these coping skills are designed to address.

The way my mental health works (or indeed breaks) – according to your personal perspective.

I have long since recognized that I do not enjoy the same levels of mental health that many folk appear to have.  In truth the way my mind works and the impact that it has on my life has for as long as I can remember been different to my peers and other folk.  And in this I can’t remember a time when I can truly say I have enjoyed ‘normal’ mental health. (Although I totally struggle with the very concept of ‘normal’ mental health – but that’s a different rant for a different day perhaps.

What I do experience therefore is a baseline of mental health which ‘generally’ appears to be somewhat below that experienced by others and which at times either…

a) crashes into the deepest of depths of desperation and (self-targeted) destructive behavior,

b) enters into a state of chaos and confusion, and/or

c) encourages self-inflicted isolation.

These are – without doubt – the three most noticeable and most frequent results of my mental illnesses and are without doubt a fairly constant feature of my mental health varying only in the sequences in which they appear and indeed the speed and severity of their appearance.

So, in truth, my ‘coping skills‘ are designed to either a) limit the potential of these things happening or b) to limit the level of damage that they (or I as a result of them) can do to my life.

Positivity and Selectivity.

Over the years I have come to realize that negativity can, without doubt, have a very real and indeed a very harmful effect on my mental health.  Things which we are subjected to (or subject ourselves to) everyday can (I am convinced) have a very real impact on our thought-processes, moods, outlooks and attitudes.

Whereas some folk seem to have a protective layer over them which means that a lot of stuff simply doesn’t affect them I have come to understand that I am far more absorbent than that.  So I actively avoid negativity where possible.  I have in fact learned to be selective over what I allow to enter into my life.

This is in respect of many things, and I truly believe that you might be surprised if you sit and objectively consider what kind of affects certain everyday things might be having on your mental health.  I am therefore selective when it comes to such things as… The types of music I listen to.  The types of television programs that I watch.  The level of ‘news’ reports that I look at. The types of books that I read. The types of games that I play.  Even the content of social media that I allow myself to witness /see each and everyday.  And, I have to be honest here, the types of blogs which I follow and read. (Here’s an interesting exercise for you.  Do a positivity/negativity audit on the blogs and social media content you often read.  Consider how they could be effecting you.)

But the hardest of all of these, when it comes to selectivity, has to be the impact of those people who are part of our life – especially those closest and nearest and dearest to us.  In truth this one is the one I struggle with the most.  I am, I believe, very compassionate and caring and I want to be there for folk especially those who are suffering.  In fact, a s a Christian, the very faith that I hold so dear, requires me to be there for folk.

But, the plain fact of the matter is that some people can, by their attitudes and comments, be harmful to my mental health and I have had to be cautious, selective and realistic about allowing – or not allowing (as the case may be) harmful relationships to continue in my life and have (where attempts to explain the issues, address and change such relationships have failed) had to cut those relationships out of my life or at best limit my exposure to them.  Likewise I try to be very selective about taking ownership of some of the comments which can be thrown our way. Because they can also (as sad as it may seem) be part of the ‘stresses’ or ‘triggers’ which can affect our mental health.

Identifying Stresses and Triggers

Is, for me, another essential coping skill and is very closely related to the above section about Positivity and Selectivity.

There are, for me, certain subjects or topics, and especially (it seems) certain sites, sounds and smells even, which can immediately unsettle my mind and have a very real effect on my mental health.

One such example would be images or graphic details of self-harming.  These can immediately trigger very real and very unwanted and potentially destructive responses and thought processes in my mind.   But they are not the only things and are just one example of what I am talking about.  In fact, there are numerous stresses and triggers out there which can affect me.

So much so in fact that another example would be that I have to be very cautious about the kind of films that I watch.  And in fact I have even learned that, when I fall asleep watching the television, the content of television programs that I am listening to, if negative or violent,  whilst asleep or dozing off can seem to cause me to have nightmares.  As a result of this I generally only watch the comedy channel just before bed as I have come to learn that this is generally safe.

Order and Organization.

Would, without doubt, be one of the biggest coping skills that I have developed over the years.

One of the biggest impacts that my mental illnesses have on my life is the chaos and confusion that can often result from my mental health crashing.  Chaos and confusion which, it has to be said, often leads to weeks and even months of having to repair what has been done (or indeed has not been done but should have been done) during the period of the crash.  And by this I mean things such as – medication not being taken, bills and payments not being paid, relationships not being nurtured.

But it also goes so much beyond that.  I have also noticed that the less ordered and organized my life and my immediate environments (home, work area etc) are the more easily my mental health can crash and the harder it can be to repair things and get back to a level of ‘normality’ (there’s that word again) when I eventually come out of the crash.

Now don’t get me wrong here. I am not analy retentive when it comes to order and organization – although I do also have OCD which means I can be somewhat particular about certain things. But I do find that a neat and tidy house and work space does improve my mental health or at least reduce the effect other factors have on it.

Realistic and Objective Self-Assessment.

This, for me personally, has to be one of the biggest coping skills and indeed one of the biggest needs.

There is a conflict, which can exist, when we experience poor mental health.  The conflict between the need to cope, the desire to be independent and respected, and the desire to be reliable with the realization that sometimes we just can’t cope, just have to depend on others and sometimes are just not able to be reliable.

In the experience of my own mental illnesses/health, there is no one regular pattern when it comes to how it is experienced or presents itself.  And in truth, whilst I am fortunate enough to be able to cope and have a fairly ‘normal’ existence on some level or another most of the time, the ‘crashes’ can either be sudden or gradual.

So being self-aware (when possible) of my own mental health and being extremely realistic and objective concerning it can be essential to preventing a decline in it, a further crash or indeed to limiting the potential damage it can do.

And this brings me to the last coping skill I shall share in what has already become a fairly long post…

Openness, Honesty and Trust.

Directly linked to the skill mentioned above ‘Realistic and Objective Self-Assessment‘ the ability to be open, and honest about the state of my mental health has been essential to my ability to manage my mental health.

On one level even the ability to blog about my mental health has and is extremely beneficial to my mental health.  The thought that I might be helping others gives suffering my mental health issues some form of positivity, some resultant goodness perhaps. But more than that it also allows me to get to the ‘outside’ that which is or was previously trapped ‘inside’.  This in itself opens conversation and dialogue – which is in my experience in the main healthy and which can assist us in seeing our mental illnesses or the experiences resulting from them in different ways and from differing perspectives.

But on a much closer, deeper and more intimate level having people in your life who are willing to at least try to understand (that which very often we ourselves don’t fully understand) and with whom we can be open and honest can, in my opinion, be essential to coping (and even at times surviving) our mental illnesses.

And by this I mean open and honest not only in what we share with them but also in what they share with us.  One of the saddest and most detrimental (excuse the pun) effects of mental illness is the isolation that it can often create – either as a result of self-doubt, resultant lack of self-worth, the stigma that is all too often and all too wrongly attached, or because of the confusion and havoc it can sometimes bring.

Having folk in our life who are aware of, and whom we can share with is, essential and just as importantly folk who will not only try to understand but who will; support us, lovingly challenge us, inspire us, encourage us and also who will hold us accountable for our own actions and our own management of our mental illnesses and resultant behaviors is, in my experience and opinion absolutely essential.

I am convince that this objectivity which I mentioned above and which is directly in play here.  And on that note I end with this one thought…

In my experience and opinion, one of the most effective skills we can have when it comes to coping, is being able to a) recognize and admit to those times and those areas in which we are not able to cope and b) reach out to folk who will; safely, compassionately and realistically help us get to or get back to a place where we can.

Acceptance

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

It’s a strange thing isn’t it?  Acceptance I mean.

I mean it is something that the majority of us actually want, if we are truly honest with ourselves and something that we seek in life.  To be accepted by our family, our work colleagues, our neighbors and friends.

It is also something which a lot of us, including those of us with mental health challenges, truly struggle with isn’t it?  To be accepted for who we are – even with our illnesses.

It hurts and unnerves us or unsettles us, even angers us when we are not accepted.  It seems harsh and uncaring, unjust and unfair when we are not accepted and can lead to a whole plethora of questions and soul-searching.  And let’s be honest here, it can be emotionally crippling when it happens can’t it.

“I mean after all, what is so wrong with me, what is so bad about me, what is it that I have done, that they don’t like me, won’t accept me?”

Do they sound like familiar questions, a familiar thought process to you?

Or perhaps you have reached a stage or place in life where you have asked these questions so often now, where those thought processes have been so present in your life that you have simply stopped asking them, simply stopped questioning?

Or perhaps your past experiences – your childhood or past relationships – were such where any self-worth that you may have had was crushed or taken from you?  Or perhaps worse still where you were never given any self-worth in the first place?

And where this happens what does it do to us and how we view ourselves?  And as a result of that what does it do to what we are willing to accept in life?

This question has been on my heart of late and I can’t help wondering how many of us are accepting what we think we deserve (as a result of the poor self-worth or self-image that we have formulated as a result of those bad relationship or lack of positive affirmation in the past) instead of fighting for what we need?

If our child was ill and needed medical treatment we would do all we could to get them the best treatment possible wouldn’t we?  Likewise for a parent were they to need medical treatment or for a loved one.  So why are we not applying the same standards of expectations when it comes to ourselves?

Destroying the internal dialogues of the past and changing the way that they affect us is not easy is it?

As someone who experiences poor mental health I think this is one of my biggest battles.  Add as a mental health advocate it is also a battle all too often present when folk share with me the things that are affecting them.

As a Christian – even one with poor mental health – I am convinced this is not how it is meant to be.  Not what God desires for us.  I am convinced that I, that we, need to combat these internal dialogues and thoughts, and I am reminded of some of the words Paul writes in his admonishment to the church at Corinth (2 Corinthians 10:3-5 NIV)…

³ For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

I am convinced that God loves us and wants the best for us just as any good parent would want for his or her child.

So that is my new challenge to myself and one I invite you to consider.  “to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

 

Try Looking At It Through My Eyes Challenge – Day 05

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Challenges, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, DID, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts

Day Five – “Younger Self”  Write a letter to your younger self telling them the things you think they will need to know about when they are diagnosed with your condition.

Well I am going to cheat here slightly if I may.  The reason for my cheating is that actually I have already done this exercise.  It is an idea that I gained from reading something Stephen Fry had done and in response to that I wrote my “letter to a younger self” back in November of last year.  Wow that year seems to have gone fast.

So having already done this exercise I thought I would republish that last – which can be found here, – but add to it and highlight the additions by placing them in red text…

Dearest Kevin,

I know that you do not really know me and that this letter is going to come as a surprise to you.  And I apologize if it comes as a shock but hope that you will see that I had to write it.

To be honest, it is my sincerest hope that if you; get this letter in time, if you take time to read it, and if you truly take my words to your heart, you will never ever know me and never get a chance to become me. Not the full me at least.

You see, I am “you” or at least I am the ”you” that you have become many years in the future. It is confusing I know, but I so very much wanted to write to you telling you some truths that somehow we – you and I – have never been able to understand or accept.

Truths that I now, after years of struggle and no small amount of healing I now know and understand.

You see I know the thoughts and feelings that you (that we) have had for so long now. Thoughts and feelings of; being unloveable, of worthlessness, of guilt, and of shame and of being somehow damaged, even irreparable.

Yes Kevin, even now some forty years into your future I still struggle with these.

For as long as I can remember I too have heard and sadly listened to and believed those voices, those thoughts, those feelings that tell me I am not worth anything, that I am ugly, dirty, useless, worthless. Voices, thoughts and feelings that convince me, convince us, that we are not worth loving and that seeing as we are not worth loving that those who want to hurt us or abuse us can do so.

But you see those voices, those thoughts, those feelings are wrong, so very wrong.  And we have no right to listen to them let alone to believe them and I so desperately want for you to know that and to know it now before everything goes so terribly wrong.

You are so very young. Only ten years of age, and trust me I know how already things have gone astray in your young life and how desperately alone you feel.

When you slide into your bed at night and lay there unable to sleep, scared, and alone, desperately trying to face those thoughts and feelings and voices not knowing how to stop them, to change them, to heal them, I have been and am there with you also.

I know only too well, how much you try to hide the way you feel, the thoughts you have and the voices that you hear, from your family and your teachers, and those around you for fear of rejection or ridicule or worse. 

But I beg of you, dear sweet child, I beg of you to trust them (those who hold you dear) and to let them into your inner hidden shame-filled world. Because if you don’t, and trust me I am talking from experience here, it will go on to damage you and hurt you and destroy relationships that you should never have lost.

And even more than this, it will lead you to form relationships that you should never have begun and that will hurt and damage you even more deeply than I care to think of.

Kevin, dear sweet Kevin.  How deeply I wish I could be there with you to hold you, hug you, guide you and help you find the healing that you so desperately need and so deeply desire.

I cannot begin to place into words, knowing now what lies in your future and my past if you do not get this letter, the sense of urgency that I feel in trying to change the course of life that you are on.

I desire so deeply for you not to go through what happens to you both in your very near future and beyond it and for you to NOT make those attempts that I know are going to come to try in an attempt to end it all.  Not to mention those the decisions and actions that you take as a result of the misplaced feelings and beliefs that you mistakenly hold as being true.

Kevin, if you take nothing else from my words to you please, please, accept and believe what I am going to say to you next.  Take my words, hold them in your heart and never let go of them…

“Life IS WORTH LIVING because YOU ARE WORTH LOVING and what is more YOU CAN BE LOVED and ARE LOVED despite the way you feel.”

Kevin, I know those words are difficult to hear and even harder to believe. But take it from me, (and let’s not forget that I am actually you – just and older and hopefully wiser and more experienced you) these words are true and the thoughts and feelings and voices – those hateful, harmful, deceptive and malicious, lying thoughts, feelings and voices – that you and I are so used to knowing and believing, are all wrong, so very wrong.

Kevin, I have to close this letter now. I wish so very much that I could write more, share more, show you more. And yet even as I have written the words I have just written, I have come to understand that actually a large part of who I am (who we are) today is in part as a result of what I have been through and what you may yet still go through.

There are so many things in my life that I am thankful for, and trust me Kevin, so many wonderful things that you have yet to experience. Love, marriage, parenthood, your ministry and the faith that I know you already have and yet don’t fully understand or appreciate.

Kevin, please trust me when I tell you that I know the things that you have done and I know the secrets of your heart – the questions, the confusions, the conflicts and the victories. The joys, the fears, the wounds, the guilts, the dreams, and the hopes that are all present there held safe and secure within.

Admit the things you have done sweet child, and accept the love and forgiveness that is offered in return. Trust your family no matter how hard that may seem right now. But trust your heavenly Father more. Because the years of love shared with them that you may lose as a result of not trusting them now can never be regained. Trust me I have tried.

And above all else please, please, know that nothing is greater than God’s love. Not those voices, those feelings, those thoughts, nor the guilt, the pain nor the hurt. None of them, whether individually or combined, are or could ever be greater than God’s love or God’s love for you.

With much love and deep hope,

Kevin.  November 29th, 2011. Additions (in red) added December 12th 2012.

So there you have it my, albeit slightly amended, letter to a younger self.

As I said, I wrote the original version of that back in November of last year and I have to tell you that it was a painful experience then and (to a lesser extent) a painful experience now.

Did is serve a purpose then?  Does it serve a purpose now?  Well we are all different aren’t we but yes for me I believe it did and does.

As you will have possibly gleaned from reading that letter my mental illness had a direct impact on my young life and on the relationships that I did or didn’t form throughout my life.  But there is one relationship which it had a huge impact on and that is my relationship with God.

So many of the wounds, the fears, the self-criticisms and so much of the self-hatred that came as result of my mental health and in some part from my unsuccessful attempts to end it all even as a child,  had corrupted my perspective of my acceptability to God.  So much of the relationship I struggled with in respect of my own biological father corrupted an distorted my understanding of the father-heart of God.

As I re-read that letter, as I reflected on it’s words and sentiments I reflected on the lessons that I have since learned and the healing that I have been blessed to have received in these respects.  And in that alone it has served a purpose in helping me to affirm and cement the healing that I, that my inner child as received.

But there is, I hope, a greater purpose from this exercise and that i that if but one person – who is struggling with similar situations and hurts and fears – comes across this and benefits from it than it has been more than worth doing.

And that is my motivation and my prayer.

Belonging

Tags

Aspergers, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Self-Doubt

One of my daughter’s and I are in the throws of a game called “In the Hot Seat”.  Now regular readers of this blog might remember the name and indeed the general premise of the game.

Basically one person sits “sits in the hot seat” for 5 minutes and the others get to ask any question of them that they like.  The person in the hot seat has to answer honestly and can only decline from answering where by doing so they would a) be breaking a confidence or b) placing his or her self in too compromising or vulnerable a position.

There is, of course, a lot of trust involved in the game but it does serve a very real purpose and can really benefit if that trust is present and people’s feelings respected.

Where there are only two people playing, instead of a time limit per person you simply take turns asking and answering each others’ questions and can set an overall time limit for the game should you so wish.

In respect of my daughter and I, the game started one night during her visit home and had overflowed into our emails since her departure.

This morning’s emailed question for me made me really think and is the basis of this post.  That question (Which in this case I am sure he won’t mind me sharing) was…

Where have you felt you most belonged and why?

I have to tell you that this is not, for me, (and I wonder if it is the same for others) an easy question to ask oneself or to answer.

Belonging – it is such a strange thing isn’t it?

Take this picture for example.  I mean clearly they are all baby ducks and thus all belong together in some sense but clearly one is so very different from the others.
Hm, I wonder if you can guess which one of the ducklings I relate to and I wonder which one you do?

If I am honest, I mean totally honest – which of course I do try to be especially in this blog, I am not sure I have ever truly felt that I fully belonged anywhere.

Now not belonging (or the feeling of not belonging) – not fitting in, is a symptom of numerous mental illnesses.  But let’s be honest here it is also a symptom of numerous social circumstances and can be a byproduct of a number of childhood experiences and not just the obvious ones.

My family would not obviously be classed as dysfunctional and if totally honest I would have to say that any dysfunction that was present would have been focused around me, at least that is how I would see it.  Not that I am by any means blind to those thing which were obviously not quite right and for which I had little to no influence or involvement in.

But I think it is interesting that actually my not ‘fitting in’ as a child would be a direct result of my mental health and only added to by other circumstances and not the other way around.

As an teen and indeed as an adult I felt equally alienated.  Although very popular, that popularity was resultant from a very deliberate social mask that I would wear.  My mental health, although bringing with it many curses also came with many blessings.  A mind that worked incredibly quickly was conducive to quick wittedness and humor and so playing the clown was not only relatively easy but also afforded you acceptance and appeal.

Picture courtesy of Christian ClipArt.com

But the problem with masks is of course that even when you are accepted as a result of them you are always aware that your acceptance is conditional on that mask and that it is in fact the mask that is being accepted and not you.

So unless you are a predator, or have a specific personal gain in mind for wearing that mask in the first place and/or are quite happy living a lie, it all seems not only inadequate but oh so very wrong and in my experience ends up being totally wrong and totally counter-productive.

Somehow the very fact that you have to wear that mask feeds into the self-doubt or lack of self-worth that all too often created the very need to wear it in the first place.

And additionally it can seriously add to any depression that is felt about not fitting in in the first place.

Plus being a sheep in wolf’s clothing is so much different to being a wolf in sheep’s clothing and had a very different and often long-lasting effect.

And of course sometimes the masks that we were are placed upon us by other people and we end up having to wear then as the alternative is unthinkable or unappealing.

But belonging whilst so important to us, sometimes is only available to some of us in small doses or for small stolen moments in time it seems.

Even when I was married and had my own family I seldom fully felt a part of them and all too often felt that I was not a part of them.

I still have memories in my head of times when I would come home from work get to my front gate, look down the path and into the front window and see what to many would be a cheerful picture of my wife and son playing together only to have that happiness stolen by the overwhelming conviction that I myself had no part in that picture and that there was no place for me in that picture either.

And trust me that was not as  result of my relationship with my wife and son which was at that time excellent nor was it as a result of anything that they did or felt.  No this was directly resultant from my mental health and from within.

No this was less about the reality that they knew and felt and more about the reality that I perceived.  But of course very often our perceived reality whilst being false or corrupted is still our reality and the only reality that we know.

Can there be two realities?  I ask some of you ask?  Well check this clip out from one of my favorite shows…

If you ask my children or my family if I belong as part of their lives I do not doubt for a moment that they would say absolutely and I have no reason to question whether they are right.  That is, for them, the reality of things.  Do I feel, can I mentally grasp that I belong, fully belong?  No I just can’t do that and I cannot lie about it.  And this difficulty, this flaw or inadequacy in me has far reaching effects.

As a Christian I fully believe that nothing is bigger than God’s love and thus on some levels I accept that even in my inability to mentally accept that I truly belong anywhere I belong in God’s love.

But as a Christian with mental health issues I constantly battle myself in this regard ad as weird as it may seem whilst on one level I can accept that I belong and am acceptable to God it is always done with the contradictory evidence that is wired or mis-wired inside my head.

Have I ever truly believed that I belonged anywhere?  No I can’t say that I have.   But that does not stop God from loving me and it does not place me outside of God’s love – even if it does often make it so much harder to fully accept at times.

But then that is where faith comes in and faith, as I mentioned in a previous blog, is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

And here is the question that I think we all, who face this kind of symptom/mindset, or who try to love someone who does,  must ask ourselves.  Does this inability to accept or feel or realize our belonging negate our actual belonging?

Back to our cute and fluffy ducklings picture.

In this picture we have one little yellow duckling by a small wall and seven (although on first glance it looks like six) little black ducklings on top of a wall.

All of them are ducklings and the only think that separates them is the wall.

Are they different?  Yes of course, one is yellow and the others are black, but it is not the colors – the differences that is separating them.  It is the wall.

The wall is clearly the obstacle here and trust me as someone with mental health issues I have seen my fair share of obstacles in my time.  Will the little duckling ever be exactly the same? Who knows but one thing is for sure they will never be together until the wall that separates them is removed or together they all move beyond that wall.

I have mental health issues and whilst I accept that those mental health issues may make us different I cannot accept that they should ever become a wall or ever be allowed to remain an obstacle or keep us apart.

Past Repairing In The Future

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, DID, memory loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, MPD, Multiple Personality Disorder, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts

I wonder if you have ever played the game Jenga?

I am sure you probably have, or at least know of the game.

You build a tower comprising of alternating layers of blocks (normally 3 across) and then take turns removing a block each and replacing it at the top of the tower.

In time the top blocks become the bottom blocks and so it goes on until the tower falls or is knocked down as a result of instability.

Actually it can be great fun, although not a good game for the less steady handed amongst us, and I am sure has provided a lot of good clean entertainment for many a family.

But what if instead of blocks they were experiences and what it instead of a tower it was a life – your life that we were dealing with?

In the game of Jenga the more blocks which are removed and replaced the more unstable (unless you are extremely cautious) the tower becomes and thus the longer the game goes on.

Blocks are placed slightly askew or in the wrong place and this in turn adds to the instability of the tower and increases the chance of it coming crashing down.

Of course within the game you don’t have the freedom, on spotting a block or blocks which is making the tower unstable, of going back and replacing or repairing it in order to stabilize your tower.

(It would after all kind of defeat the purpose of the game)  But is that, does that, have to be true of our lives and those experiences that we spoke of earlier?

Oscar Wilde, the Irish writer and poet, once said…

One’s past is what one is. It is the only way by which people should be judged.

It’s an interesting position isn’t it?  Not one that I entirely agree with it has to be said, although I do have some sympathy with the idea that we are, at least in part, made up from our pasts.

But then the same Oscar Wilde also said…

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

This is something which I more fully agree with, although it could be argued that the two quotes are almost somewhat contradictory.

Isn’t it true that sometimes our pasts can sometimes alter our perceptions or indeed do sometimes come back to haunt us in life?  Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst?

For me personally I fully believe that the past is a ghost which has a voice in our present only as much as we allow it that voice.

And like all ghosts we need to be very careful just what voice we do actually afford it.

But we also need to remember, I think, that like all ghosts it is not always seen even if it is there, and even when it is having an effect on our present.

How many of us have had experiences in the past which still haunt our dreams? Experiences that are the fuel of panic attacks and the playground of our nightmares?

But what about the less obvious, the less dramatic and yet just as harmful effects? How many of us have taken on board the labels or attitudes or self-images that where repeatedly thrown at us throughout our childhoods?

I know I certainly have, and I am fairly certain I am not the only one.

The truth is that unlike our game of Jenga, where we do not have the freedom to revisit those blocks which are causing our towers to go slightly askew or become unstable, in life we can revisit those experiences which are or have sent our lives or our perceptions askew and which are making us unstable.

Isn’t this the very essence of a lot of therapy?

The English writer Leslie Poles Hartley (1895-1972) once wrote these words…

The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.

Well whilst I might agree with him in respect of human history and of society, I have to say that in terms of our individual pasts sometimes it is an invader who forces us to do things differently here.

The question we are left with therefore are, in respect of our own life, for the sake of both our present and our future, are we aware of that invasion and what are we going to do about it?

Girl With A Suitcase And A Thousand Labels.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing

Possible Trigger Warning.

Her almost statuesque stillness belied and concealed the frantic rushing about within her heart and her mind.

They had done it again.  Blamed her, accused her, criticized her, devalued her.  “Same old labels just slightly different words”, she thought to herself, “still hurts just as much though.”

All they see is a motionless target.  Still, silent, lifeless, emotionless almost.

But of course she isn’t.

With the eyes of her mind and through the tears of too many bitter memories she looks down at herself and sees a small girl naked, cold, alone and ashamed.  Naked except for the myriads of labels that cover her.  Bitter, unfair, shameful, unjust labels.

How much she wants to rip them all off and thrown them back in their faces.  For if she did indeed dare to rip them all off and throw them back in their faces what would she be left with?  Who would she be?

And besides, wouldn’t they then see all the scars and marks that she etches onto her own skin in response to the labels that they unfairly apply?

So she stands, just staring and seemingly not moving.  Well outwardly at least.

Yes, outwardly she does nothing but stare.  Inwardly however she takes their labels, their vile labels and goes to the storeroom, a cupboard, somewhere between her heart and her head, and unlocks it.

Reaching up to the top shelf she pulls down an old suitcase.  It is large and battered and overstuffed.

Overstuffed from years and years of baggage.
So overstuffed in fact that she has had to tie it shut with a leather strap.

The same leather strap that her father used on her all those years ago when she was young enough for him to bully and control.

With shaking fingers and nervous mind she unbuckles the strap and quickly pounces on the lid with one hand before the overstuffed suitcase burst open.

With her other hand she carefully collects all of the most recent and hurtful labels thrown at her and then deftly. skillfully, quickly opens the lids stuffs them in and closes it, jumping on it to force it closed.

Once again with he drags the strap across the case and pulls with all her might until finally she can get it to buckle tight once more.

Nervous and afraid, weak and wounded, she lifts the huge old overstuffed suitcase once more high onto the shelf and then slowly closes the door pausing just before it seals shut.

“It’s going to burst open!”  Her mind tells her.  “It’s too full!  There’s too many labels in there!  One day it is going to burst open!”

Quickly she closes the door and locks it and then turns and leans her back against  it.

“But what do I do?”  She asks the silence.  “What do I do with all their labels?”

-oOo-

Dedicated to S. and to all those of us for whom this rings true.

I pray that one day you will be able to trust enough to let someone open that cupboard, take down that suitcase, remove that strap, open it and sit with you, and go through those labels one by one.

And that together in love and safety you will be able to destroy them and to see that none of them are real, or deserved, or helpful and that one day you will indeed be free from them all.

Mentally Undressed

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Rejection, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

I wonder what your body-image is like or indeed to opinion of nudity it?  Are the two related perhaps?

As an artist I have developed an appreciation for many forms of art and have over the years tried my hand at a few different forms too.

Art communicates in way that words sometimes cannot and as a writer I have no reservation in admitting that.  Often, actually very often, a piece of art will inspire more questions than it provides answers for.  Likewise what I see in a piece of art you might not see and vise versa.

Take for example this piece of art which is actually a bronze sculpture of a nude which is commercially available from AllSculptures.com and which I would seriously like to own one day.

What do you see in this sculpture?

A man embracing himself?  Someone in need of physical warmth? Physical contact?

Perhaps a man who is so overcome with the realization that he is indeed loved that his only response was to portray that love in a communication of self-acceptance, self-embrace?

Or perhaps you see something different?

A man who is ashamed of his nakedness? Lowered to his knees, covering his own shame in front of his God or perhaps his peers or maybe even his captors?

What emotions, feelings do you see portrayed?  Warmth? Compassion? Love? Humility? Vulnerability? Shame? Pain? Slavery?

It is interesting isn’t it?  How we all see things slightly differently (or even greatly differently) from each other.

Perhaps the nudity of the sculpture embarrasses you a little.  It would embarrass some folk I know.  And I for one make no judgement of that.  Who knows that nudity might be the very thing you feel most appealing about it.

Personally is doesn’t worry me in the least bit.  I have long since been convinced that we have nudity all wrong when it comes to our understanding and approach to it.

Don’t get me wrong. I am all for being conservative in these things and would by no means consider myself a naturist or a hedonist or someone who would advocate us all walking around publically naked.  But nor do I believe that we should be ashamed of our own bodies or indeed our own nudity when in private.

And I do so very firmly believe that society sends out and teaches the wrong messages about nudity and that we have in many ways long since lost the ability to appreciate the naked body without assigning some sexual context to it.

So consider these questions if you will…

Look at that picture again for me but this time imagine the man dressed in some way. You can choose the attire he is dressed in.

How is he dressed in the image in your mind?  (Feel free to participate and comment below)

Would it be as appealing to you as a sculpture or perhaps more appealing? (Again please feel free to participate and answer or comment on any of these questions or points by commenting below)

How does the message, the meaning, the feel of the piece change now that he is in some way dressed?

Has it lost some of it’s beauty, it’s rawness, it’s intimacy?  Has it gained or lost some of it’s innocence?

What if we were to keep the nudity of the figure and indeed keep the same position or pose of our figure, our sculpture, but this time change the model.

What if instead of that well defined, athletic and muscular form we changed it to something closer to home?  What if we made it of me or of you?

If I were to be immortalized in a nude sculpture of that same pose what would I see? What would you see? What would others see?

Indeed if you were to be immortalized in a nude sculpture of that same pose what would you see? What would I see? What would other’s see?

Would they still see that Warmth? Compassion? Love? Humility? Vulnerability? Or would they see that Shame? That pain? That Slavery?

As someone who battles with self-harming I am very much aware of the scars that my skin still holds.  Would the sculptor somehow include those?  Would they be noticeable and if so how noticeable would they indeed be?  Likewise how would they change the feel, the meaning, the message of the piece?

Hopefully you don’t have those same battles with self-harming as I do nor the all too familiar signs of it. But here is a really interesting thought for you to ponder if you have a mind to…

Not all of our scars are physical, some are indeed internal – psychological, emotional.  Some are real or even perceived by us as a result of our having poor mental health but yet not even seen by others.

If you were immortalized naked in that same pose – would others be able to see in that sculpture your – bipolar disorder, your OCD, your depression, your schizophrenia, your aspergers, your… (The list goes on and only you truly know the ones that apply to you.)

Perhaps rationally, logically you would answer, “No of course not.”  But take out the rational, logical part of your response for mental illness often places us in non-rational, non-logical mindsets.

And is it not true that mental illness sometimes induces a sense of nakedness and of vulnerability?  Certainly, for me personally, when I have an episode and others witness it I often feel naked and vulnerable and all too often ugly, broken and ashamed afterwards.

Actually these times are the times when the my deepest compulsion is to hide and yet ironically when I haven’t hidden and someone has reached out to me this is the time when I feel the deepest sense of love.

As I said, I don’t view physical nudity the way a lot of people (and certainly a lot of other Christians) seem to.

Perhaps it is because I am not very sexually minded or perhaps because I have seen so much suffering at the hands of corrupted and mis-taught body-image messages.

Or perhaps it is because I know that the body is but a shell and that body-image is but one part of self-image.

Perhaps also it is because true beauty is not skin deep, nor is it seated in sexual desire,  pleasure. or gratification.  Nor is it found purely in; chaos, nor order, nor in perfection.

True beauty is, in my opinion, found in love. Love given and love received – loved shared.

Shared despite the chaos, despite the order, and despite the imperfections.

Look at our sculpture one last time if you will.  But this time let love direct your sight.

Notice if you will the head he lowers perhaps not daring to look up, to fully connect or perhaps in an act of submission or of worship?

This time notice how he covers himself, his manhood, his vulnerability and yet notice also if you will, the nobility of his form.  The way his left hand, participating in the covering of himself, does not yet  grip his right ankle as perhaps some would when in a similar but defensive pose.

Notice also the positioning of his right fingers not held flat against – but gently upon – his left shoulder almost seeking to caress to complete the embrace.

Is he experiencing and this expressing that warmth, that compassion, that love, that humility, which we spoke of earlier?  Or is he experiencing and expressing that vulnerability, that slavery, that shame, which we also spoke of?

You decide.  But in your decision, consider your place in this interaction and consider the needs expressed the invitation given and then ask yourself this – “how many of us have bared ourselves and crouched before each other in literary or virtual nakedness – deeply in need of that hug, that acceptance, that embrace?

I for one know I have and I for one know I will again…

 

Piecing It All Together – Why Therapy Can Work.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Therapy

At Christmas, When I was a young boy, (and yes there really was a time when I was young LOL) we used to get three sets of presents.

On Christmas morning our “main” presents would all be in my parents’ room.  And each of us children would have a designated pile of presents and once awake we would all bundle into their and open  our whilst our parents sat up in bed watching and supervising whilst sipping the early morning  cups of tea which the butler had brought in.

The butler had of course been dismissed after serving the early morning refreshments as this was considered to be a ‘time for family only’.

Ok I’ll come clean, I made the whole butler part up as I realised on typing that we had ‘three sets of presents’ just how privileged that made us sound.  And actually in some ways and compared to many kids, we were.  But then money and material possessions doesn’t buy happiness and doesn’t mean we weren’t lacking in other areas.

But anyway, my parents’ room would indeed be where our main presents would be waiting for us and we would pile in there clutching the pillow cases full of smaller items which were hanging on the ends of our beds for us ready for when we awoke that morning. So the main presents was one set, the pillow case presents were another and in our family there was a tradition of our all each having further small presents on the actual Christmas Tree itself to be opened later in the day when more distant relatives came a calling.

These smaller presents (the ones on the tree and the ones in the pillow cases) were always referred to as ‘stocking fillers’ by sales assistants in the local shops and would be little toys, small pieces of seasonal fruit, nuts, boxes of sweets (candies), pen and pencil sets, colouring books, and puzzles.

Among my favourite of these being the puzzles and my very favourite puzzles where of chinese origin and made of wood.  Barrels and Cubes and Pyramids etc which would only fit together if all the interlocking different pieces  were assembled the right way.

Ones like these which I found at Creative Craft House.

As I said, they were my favourite and I absolutely loved them.  So why am I writing this now?  Am I getting my Christmas present suggestions in early this year?

LOL No not at all, actually I was thinking about some conversations I have been having lately and about therapy and the benefits of it.

Whilst it is true that some mental health conditions can result from neurology, chemical imbalances and genetics chemical or biological in origin or are influenced by these some are more circumstantial or even environmental in origin.

Very often the ability to work through issues that play heavily on our emotions or our minds can be vital to our coping and even removing those issues or the effects of them.

We often see this in children don’t we?   They come to us as parents or teachers and share things that are concerning them and very often those things can be resolved just by working through them de-constructing them and reconstructing them in the right way.

Much like how those favourite puzzles of mine will only work when all the different shaped pieces are looked at and reconstructed the correct way.

And the same can be true with us as adults.  Things that have burdened us, dragged us down, hurt us, confused us, debilitated us, caused us to question or even remove our self-worth, removed all our hope, can sometimes be worked through, de-constructed and reconstructed properly thereby freeing us from them.  Or at very least helping us to cope with them better.

Of course if those things happened in our childhood or youth the resultant behaviour will no doubt have become habitual and can be hard to change.  But good therapy considers this and integrate it into the whole process.

Today I have been fairly immobilized as a result of having to spend most of the day sat with my leg up and this has given me time to think.

How much of my mental health is affected by those things from my past which I have yet to fully work though?  How much of yours is?

Upbeat Update

Tags

& M.E., Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obesity, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

Firstly I would like to say a huge thank you to all those who sent me comments and messages of support in response to my last post “Anxious Anticipation“.  It really does mean so very much to me and it is that kind of support and encouragement that I passionately believe it so essential within the mental health blogging community and on of the reasons why I am so passionate about the Mental Health Writers Guild.

Such was my anticipation about my regular hospital visit today that actually I ended up not being able to sleep until about 4 – 4.30am and then had to get up at 6am in order to shower and prepare for the trip up country to the hospital I attend just outside Dublin.

So as I am sure you can understand I was pretty shattered by the time we left.  But the positive side of that was that I was able to doze pretty much for most of the journey and this made both the journey pass relatively quickly and gave less time for my anxiety over it all.

That having been said, the pure logistics of transport meant that I arrived a few hours before my appointment and so I decided to spend some of it writing a poem about morbid obesity.  Some of you may be aware that I have a love of poetry and it is something I have been wanting to get back into writing.

I did indeed write the poem (entitled ‘Downsized Shell’) and have just posted it on my poetry blog “Deep From Within” and if you are interested in reading or listening to that poem (there is a streamable audio recording of it that you can play) you can find it here.

Having written the poem and whilst waiting for my appointment I met and had a really nice time chatting with another guy who had morbid obesity and who had also arrived long before his appointment.  And in fact he lives not far from me and it was great to spend time with him and his son and to share experiences, challenges, obstacles and coping techniques in our respective fights for better health.

But then came the moment of truth – my appointment and that all important anxiety inducing weigh-in.  This is such a big thing for me what with all of my health and especially my heart problems and as you know I have written before about how depression and mental illness can affect our body-sizes and self-esteem issues.

As part of the treatment for my morbid obesity I see a team of specialists – physiotherapist, dietitian, psychologist, and doctors and today it was the physiotherapist that I saw first and who supervised my weigh in.

I was so nervous.  Yes I have made a great deal of very radical changes and put a lot of effort in since my last appointment but I have also been in bed with flu for most of the past two weeks and I was worried that what efforts I had made had all been undone by the past two weeks worth of illness and thus limited activity.

BUT I needn’t have worried.  My weigh-in was done and in fact (due to the result double checked) and I have lost 6 Kilos!

6 Kilos!  That is 13 lb and 3.64 oz (in old money) which being as there are 14 lbs to a stone and seeing as I was weighed wearing a heavy hoodie this time but not wearing one last time means I have lost a stone in weight!

I was staggered and the team were delighted!  Especially when the physio handed me the equivalent weight in dumbbells to hold so that I could visualize just how heavy that was and it dawned on me that it was the equivalent weight of of 6 regular bags of sugar in the UK.

So I am so very encouraged and quite upbeat this evening.  Totally exhausted as a result of being out all day and all of that travelling but very upbeat and very grateful for the support and encouragement I have received.  More importantly (and I do not by that mean to downplay the support and encouragement I have received) I am re-motivated.

So I wanted to share that with you all before turning in for the night and trying to rest.

Again thank you so much for your support and encouragement and your prayers. 🙂

The Unhealthy Purchase.

Tags

Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

“I know you still have it.”  Claire announced quite unexpectedly.

“So, what if I have?” Sharon replied defensively.  Not absolutely certain what Jane was referring but fairly sure she knew what it was.

“It isn’t good for you, you know that don’t you?”  Claire continued, concerned for her friend.

“You just don’t understand.”  Sharon replied angrily.

“Maybe not,” Claire agreed, “but I would like to.”

“Why?”  Sharon asked defensively. “So you can convince me to get rid of it?”

“But I care for you.”  The compassion and love in Claire’s tone were obvious, as was her intent.  “And I don’t like to see you hurting yourself.”

“I am not hurting myself.”  Sharon countered, “and I never asked for this!  It was forced on me!”  Her words trailed off as her thoughts took over for a moment.  “And anyway perhaps I deserved it.” Her thoughts found voice.

“Really?  Did you really deserve it?  Still deserve it?  Still have to continue paying for it?”  Claire asked, reaching out and grabbing her friend’s hands and looking her in the eyes.

“I had no choice.”  Sharon told her, pulling her hands away and turning her head so as to break her friend’s stare.

“No, maybe you didn’t.”  Claire agreed but with pan.  “But you do now.”  She added deliberately.

“What am I supposed to do?”  Sharon challenged.  “Just give it up, forget it was ever forced on me?  Ignore all that is has cost me?”

“So what?”  Claire continued to challenge. “You are just going to go on holding on to it?”  She searched her friend’s thoughts.  “Simply holding on to it?  Being hurt by it and continually paying for it?  Day after day, week after week, nightmare after nightmare?”

“What choice do I have?”  Sharon asked, as the tears formed in her eyes.  “If I let go of it all I will have waisted everything I have paid so far.”

“But if you keep holding on to it you will keep on paying and you know it.  Is it really worth it?”  Sharon asked challengingly.

“But what if I really did deserve it and what about everything I have already paid?  What about how much it has already cost me?” Karen asked.  “Do I just write that all off?  Forget about it all?  As if it was all for nothing?  Forget I ever paid for it?  That I ever owned it?”

“Oh Honey,”  Claire gasped as she grabbed her friend’s hands and with tears in her own eyes looked deep into the eyes of the friend she loved so much.  The friend she knew was still hurting so very badly.

“Can’t you see?  You have never owned it, it has always owned you and will continue to do so until you let it go.”

-oOo-

It’s a simple little story really isn’t it?  Short, interesting, true to life.  Something which a lot of us can relate to.

The fact is that it is not so simple a little story after all.  It is in fact a conversation about a life of complex, deep-rooted, harmful pain.  The results of years of poor communication, bad messages, harmful words and resultant corrupted and unhealthy self-image.

And the most tragic part of it all is that too many of us can relate to it because too many of us have lived it, are still living it.

We bought into the lies and the ridicule, the accusations and the negative criticisms, the rejection or misuse or abuse.  And we bought into it with such a high price and one which we keep on paying “day after day, week after week, nightmare after nightmare“.

Repeatedly convincing ourselves that perhaps we “deserved it“.

Doing so because: when external voices are repeated often enough or by enough people they become our own internal voices.

Doing so because: we have to convince ourselves repeatedly as a result of the fact that somewhere deep down inside we doubt it’s validity and thus keep on arguing with ourselves.

Doing so because: to question whether we did really deserve it might put us in a position where we would have to question or be critical of those we love and trust despite the fact that they were the loudest of those external voices.

Doing so because: “if we really didn’t deserve it, if we are really not that person, then who am we?”

Doing so because: “we have paid so much for it already.”

Doing so because: “We haven’t yet realized that we don’t own it. It owns us!”

Depression and It’s Effects On Self-Esteem – The Naked Truth!

Tags

Christianity and Depression, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obesity, Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING!

I have entitled this post ‘Depression and It’s Effects On Self-Esteem – The Naked Truth!’ and the first naked truth is that I have been struggling over whether to do this post for some time now.

The fact of the matter is that in order to do both it and it’s motivation justice I have to put it all out there and that is an extremely painful and difficult thing for me to do. But I have promised myself that I would do it.

And I have promised this because the truth is that I really do feel it is the only way and that it is very important.  Especially since over the pat view weeks (both in conversations that I have had and also in blogs that I have read) I have witnessed a great deal of pain, hurt, embarrassment and even shame expressed by fellow mental health bloggers over their self-image, body shapes, physical features, weight etc.

Now I am a guy, and I fully accept that these things can often be different for a guy and that they seem to be somewhat; heightened, perhaps more severe even for women, but trust me it is hard enough for us guys.  So sharing my experience (even from a guy’s perspective) whilst being all that I have to offer, will I hope encourage others as I do so desperately want to reach out to others who are suffering similar things.

So this is my poor, inadequate, offering – my attempt to do just that.  And knowing my passion in this I apologize in advance for the length of this post – which will no doubt be fairly lengthy.  But I do hope you will stay with me throughout it.

Depression and it’s effect on perceptions and feelings…

For this one I am going to use one of my own quotes…

Depression can bleach all the color from the most vividly chromatic rainbows.

I know of no better way of stating it and trust me a life without color is a life dulled into non-entity.

Imagine a life without colour if you can, one without feeling or even appreciation of experience.  One where sometimes you will hurt yourself just to see if you can still feel something.

Depression and it’s effect on hope and motivation…

American Psychologist Rollo May stated that…

Depression is the inability to construct a future.

And I would certainly have to admit to understanding and relating to this sentiment.  It is as some would say the inability to see the light at the end of the tunnel no matter who tells you that light is there.

But don’t be mistaken into thinking that for me (and many people like me) depression is the act of taking that ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ and convincing yourself that it is just another on-coming train about to smash you into oblivion.

I am sure that is true for some, but for me it simply isn’t so.  For in that scenario that train offers and end, and in that end is escape from it all and thus hope.

I (in the depths of my depression) on the other hand know no such hope and thus all I see (if indeed I see that light) is a light at the end of the tunnel which no matter what I do will fade into nothingness before I even reach it or it me.

So there is little to no hope and with little to no hope comes little to no motivation.  As all hope fades from the horizon, so too does you reason for being let alone your reason for doing and with not doing comes simply being.  Being still, being inactive, being… on the road to protracted suicide by inactivity?

Depression and it’s effect on self-esteem/self-worth…

The writer David D. Burns wrote…

Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem.

“can seem worse than cancer” because “most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem.”  Chilling words aren’t they?  Perhaps most chilling because for so many of us that is the truth that is experienced.

Let us recap for a moment here…

In the depths of depression there is often no color, no tangible sensations or feelings or even experiences.  The nothingness has begun to consume you and in so doing it sucks all motivation and hope.

And what fills that void where once the hope and motivation lived? Well that one is easy – The negativity Family.

The negativity family – Self-doubt and it’s older brother self-hatred.

Anxiety and her older sister fear.

Hopelessness without her now aborted child motivation.

Displacement and his twin sister misunderstanding.

Am I painting too graphic and too dismal a picture here?  Too graphic, too dismal?  I am certain that those who are reading this who have experienced the depths of such depression won’t think so.

Your very reason for living can be lost and along with it your ability to live, leaving you only with existence.

Normal everyday activities such as washing, bathing, brushing your hair, cleaning your teeth, washing and changing your clothes can slip into normal every other day activities and then every other week and so on.

Why bother?  After all, ask yourself why you do these things now?  To please the ones you love?  Because it is ingrained in who you are as a person? Because (as L’Oréal commercially puts it) you’re worth it?

See that is the thing isn’t it.  You have no color, no motivation, no self-worth or self-esteem.

You don’t think about ‘pleasing the one you love’ – because you either can’t think about them or are convinced they are going to dump you anyway or simply believe they are better off without you and wish they would dump you.

You don’t know ‘it is ingrained in who you are as a person’ – because you are no longer the person you used to be.

You don’t buy the ‘because you’re worth it’ argument – because in your eyes you simply aren’t worth it.

So your personal hygiene starts to slip.

Your diet and eating habits suffer.  Eating only now and then because someone makes you  or eating too much because at least it is something tangible to break the nothingness or because at least it provides some feeling or sensation or comfort.

Relationships start to stress and crumble.  Either because; you are putting less into them, or because others who are trying to help are doing so in the wrong way or you are perceiving that help in the wrong way, or because you have convinced yourself they are better off without you, OR because you are (as they will sometimes tell you) ‘no longer the person I knew and loved.’  Well DUH I am no longer the person I knew and loved.

Social activates even work activities reduce and cease as; you can no longer cope with them, become too self-conscious as a result of your worsening personal hygiene, or because of your black moods, or because you are simply lost to those worlds now.

Financial burdens start to form as a result of lack of income due to lack of activity or poor spending as a result of trying to find some tangible instant gratification or some quick fix.  This in turn can affect your diet and personal hygiene.

The self-perpetuating downward spiralling cycle…

Reduced personal hygiene, reduced eating or over eating or poor eating, reduced social contact, reduced income, reduced activity and mobility.

Can you imagine what this all does to your skin, your weight, your body shape?

Can you imagine what that in turn does to feed those negative self-deprecating thoughts?

Can you see how these all impact and play into each other?  Can you see the self-perpetuating downward spiralling cycle that has begun and which is so very hard to break free from?

At the start of this piece I promised you the truth and the fact of the matter is what I have written thus far is the truth for too many of us with mental health and (specifically but not exclusively) depression related issues.

This is a picture taken just before my mental and physical breakdown back in 1999.  It shows my wife and my son and how I looked back then.

Back then when I was that person.  That person who was before the person that I am now.

That person before the depression took control and before that self-perpetuating downward spiralling cycle took hold.

When I started this article I promised you the truth and the truth is that I am no longer that person and will never be that person again.

My son – bless his heart is much older now and has (like my faith) been a God-send and a life saver for me.

My wife – bless her heart did so very much, put up with so very much but in the end I “was no longer the person she married or the person she loved” and so she (in many ways understandably) moved on to a new relationship.

When I started this piece I promised the truth and did so because…

over the pat view weeks (both in conversations that I have had and also in blogs that I have read) I have witnessed a great deal of pain, hurt, embarrassment and even shame expressed by fellow mental health bloggers over their self-image, body shapes, physical features, weight etc.

Take another look at that photo for me.  That was who I was before the depression took control and the truth is that I will never be that person again.

Why?  Because I have changed and because those things that I shared above I shared out of personal experience.

I promised you the truth  – the naked truth – well here it is….

I know first hand and all too well those feelings of pain, hurt, embarrassment and even shame over self-image, body shape, physical features, weight etc because of what I have let my body become.

They are soul destroying and they drive us into retreat and isolation and seclusion and defeat.

But they are not who we really are and we are not just what we or anybody else sees on the outside.

No matter how unappealing, distasteful and even hideous our outsides may seem to us, (and trust me it pains me and embarrasses me for anyone to see me like this) we are worth loving and worth that fight for recovery!

In truth I have no idea if this post has made any sense what so ever.  I have written and deleted, re-written and altered it, delayed it, and re-thought it and struggled over it more than any other post that I have written.

It is my sincerest desire that I have not offended anyone through this post or that last photo.  But I took it and included it because I want so very much to encourage and to do so from a place of empathy and of saying…

“Look at me.  If anyone knows those self-hating, self-deprecating thoughts of shame and embarrassment I do.  But try to see beyond my obvious embarrassment and pain and shame and please try to understand that despite it all I still believe there is hope and that each and every one of us is worthy of that hope and worthy of fighting for that recovery.”

Kind Regards and God bless you.

Kevin.

Depression and Suicide Ideation – Psalm 23’s answer

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts

Although I generally keep my faith fairly low key on this particular blog (as it’s main purpose is not to talk about faith but instead about mental health issues) today I wanted to share something that has been on my heart.

As a Christian who suffers from Mental health issues, including depression and suicidal ideation, I am very much aware of what these things can do to you.

They can make you feel so worthless and remove the site of any hope, as well as potentially leading you to urges to self-harm and indeed thoughts of ending it all etc. they can undermine your faith and indeed your self-worth.

Psalm 23 has always been important to me and has been on my heart for a while now.  It can also, I believe speak directly into many of those self-harm, suicidal ideation and lack of self-worth issues that I talked about.

So today I thought I would look at Psalm 23 and take a look at it specifically in respect of those issues and the comfort and assurances and encouragements that it can offer…

Psalm 23 NIV

(Words of the psalm are in red – my reflections are in black)

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

I wonder if you have ever considered the role of the Shepherd?  What he does?  What kind of person he is?  What he offers or provides for the sheep?

Historically the shepherding was usually done by the young son of the father – sound familiar in a Christian context?  He tended the sheep, looked after them.  He knows the sheep, recognizes them, knows their characteristics, natures, personalities.  Knows which ones need a lot of looking after and which ones need a lot of watching lol.

He provides belonging and indeed security, protection, nutrition, guidance.

Does he keep them from death entirely?  No of course not death – at least death on this earth – comes to us all, but he protects and keeps them until the time is right for them.  Doing all he can to keep them from wandering into places where untimely death is a very real threat.

How often does that suicidal ideation bring us to those dangerous places where an untimely death is possible?  This is not his desire for us and he will do all he can to lead us away from there. (As we will see) But we do need to listen to his voice and trust in him – something that can be so very hard at times I know.

We are part of his flock, his sheep and they are his and he cares for them and provides for them.  So in truth (despite thoughts top the contrary) I am his, we are his, and he cares for us and provides for us and no matter what the depression says, no matter what the poor self-image or the damaging voices or thoughts of worthlessness may say the fact is that is true and the fact it that we belong and he desires for us to belong.

Does not this psalm talk and indeed the very first verse speak of that, establish that?  “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.”

²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,

The shepherd wants us to lie down in green pastures green pastures are a sign of provision, safety and security.  Soft grass to lay on and to graze on.  Not rocky roads, not bramble-filled hedge rows.

The key words here for me are ‘lie down’.  I have no doubt, from my understanding of the Bible and indeed from my own personal experience of life that there will indeed be rocky roads and bramble-filled hedge rows along our journey, but does he want for us to remain on them?  To rest of them?  No not at all.  It is in green pastures where he wants for us to lay down.  And check out this next bit if you are unsure.

he leads me beside quiet waters,

“Quiet waters” are a representation of peace and tranquility and again of provision – for do we all not need to drink?  Where is it safest to drink?  In a noisy rapid moving stream or in the quiet stiller waters?

And again check out the key words in this sentence – He “leads me”.  The expression is not ‘sends me’ or ‘drives me’ but ‘leads me’.  There is no separation here.  We have not been sent off alone but instead he is taking us with him, we are together.

³     he refreshes my soul.

Some have described the soul as being the essence of who we are – mind (reasoning, intellect, information, memory etc), will and emotions.  So bearing this in mind, check out that word – “refreshes“‘.

In the original Hebrew the word used here is ‘שׁוּב’ or ‘shûb’ and it means to refresh or to restore.  Ever wondered why that word is there?

All too often, in my opinion, we have soft-sold Christianity and faith, giving the impression that in Christ we should have no difficulties or trials or illnesses or hurts.  This is simply not true in my opinion and the fact is that we will have trials and difficulties and illnesses and hurts and we will get tired and weak.

“He refreshes (or restores) my soul“.  Why?  Because my soul, your soul, is no doubt going to encounter difficult times and suffer weakness and tiredness along the way and so those damaging, harmful doubting voices which base their condemnations or sew those seeds of doubt on our weaknesses and tiredness have no power and no truth because we all get that way and God knows we will and His word not only acknowledges it but makes provision for it.

He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.

Again the key word here is “guides” and again the picture is not one being ‘sent’ but one being ‘led’.  It is in fact in the Hebrew the word ‘נחה’ or ‘nâchâh’ and that means to ‘bring’ to ‘guide’ to ‘lead’.

And why?  Because of anything we have earned?  No not at all but for HIS name sake not our.  Thus we cannot say or think that we are ‘unworthy of’ or ‘unacceptable for’ this as it is because of him and not because of us that he does this.

⁴ Even though I walk through the darkest valley, (Or the valley of the shadow of death) I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

There is potential imminent danger and sadness here isn’t there?  The “darkest valley” or “the valley of the shadow of death“.  How many of us have known those dark valleys?  How many of us who suffer from suicidal ideation have had that shadow of death fall upon us?

And yet even in these potentially dangerous and dark times there is a promise of hope and security here.  “I will fear no evil”  Why?  Because “You are with me” and “Your rod and your staff they comfort me“.

Yes there is certainly hope and security  to be taken from those words.  And again we need to recognize that the presence of “dark valleys” and “shadows of death” are acknowledged as being something that we will experience.

The rod and the staff offer authority, protection and security and are integral tools for the shepherd and we understand and recognize this and we know their need and place in our lives.  The rod protecting us from the prowling wolves and the staff guiding us and directing us and also being used to pluck us from the mire.

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

And not only does the shepherd keep us from that danger and from that untimely death but he prepares “a table before me“.  He feeds us and provides us all that we need for life.

And what is more he does it “in the presence of my enemies“.  We don’t have to wait until everything is safe and sound before he provides for our future.  He does it throughout it all.   So secure, so powerful is his authority and are his abilities that he can do this even whilst danger is around us.  And again there is that recognition that danger is around us.

You anoint my head with oil;

‘anointing with oil‘ in the bible has a number of uses, healing, protection, a sign of importance or worth.  Oil in those days was by no means cheap.  If you are having your head anointed with oil it is a sign of your being worth something, being valued.

When those poor or harmful self-image or self-worth doubts come this is an excellent thing to remember.  “You anoint my head with oil.”  We are worth something!  We are valued!

my cup overflows.

I love this simple statement.  “my cup overflows”  Not only do you provide what I need but even more than that.  And I like that statement for another reason…

Many years ago I was at some celebration or another and an expensive bottle of champagne was opened and shared around.  It was poured into the first glass with great pleasure and happiness and with too much enthusiasm.  So naturally it fizzed up and overflowed out of the glass.

Not wishing for any of the valuable drink to be wasted others placed their glasses underneath in order to catch as much of the overflow as possible.

How much more valuable is his provision for us?   When it overflows, are we to waste it or to share it with others?  I think the answer is pretty obvious here – we are to share it with others.

⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,

“Surely”  it is a statement not a question.  Take a look at the whole sentence, there is no question mark here.  Positively, certainly, your goodness and love with follow me…

Goodness and love cannot follow someone unless goodness and love is what they have with them and what they have shown and shared.  The legacy we leave to our children is built of what we have shown to or shared with our children.

And we are not only talking about the legacy we leave behind after our life on earth is over.  Not at all.  Take a look at the rest of this line will follow me  “all the days of my life“.

This is a constant thing a here and now thing.

If “surely“, or positively or certainly, “goodness” and “love” are that which is to follow us then “surely“, positively and certainly, “goodness” and “love” is what we need to be sharing and leaving behind us not only when we die but after each conversation, each encounter with someone, each interaction.

Now obviously none of us are perfect and we are going to mess up every now and again and indeed fail in this, but it is good target to have is it not?

And surely that “goodness” and “love” is made possible because of all the thing that the Lord has and is and will do for us.  For it comes first from him, then to us and then through us to others – my cup overflows.

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

And here is that glorious promise!  “and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever“.

The shepherd will, if we; listen to him, stay close to him, rely on him, and trust in him, even and especially in those times of darkest trouble bring us through it all and will do so until our time is right and even beyond it so that through him we can secure that glorious prize – the one intended for us all.  eternal life with him.

So there you have it.  Why psalm 23 is such an important psalm to me and why I think it can bring such comfort in times of darkness and when the depression and the urges to self-harm or when the suicidal ideation hit.

Dare To Be Different!

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Mental Illness Stigma, Obesity, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Rejection, Self-Doubt, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Stgma

I decided to do something today.

What have I done?

Well I have compiled a list.  And here it is….

Definitely Christian.

Definitely not a native of this country.

Definitely Foreign therefore.

Definitely Low – Incomed.

Definitely and Obviously Fat.

Definitely and Obviously Obese.

Definitely and Obviously Physically Ill.

Definitely and Obviously Disabled.

Definitely (and sometimes obviously) Mentally Ill.

Definitely Periodically Experiences Suicidal Ideation.

Definitely Periodically Experiences Self-Harming.

Definitely Fifty (this year).

Definitely a Single Parent.

Definitely Single.

Definitely Male.

Possibly a Traveler.

Possibly a member of the unsettled community.

Possibly of Jewish Origin.

There you go, that is my list.  In as much as it is a list of the related things that I could readily come up with for the purpose of this article.

So what is it a list of?

Well, if you haven’t already guessed, it is a list of things that all do or potentially do suffer from one form of  discrimination or another  or that have or potentially have a stigma attached to them even in this day and age.

Do me a favor if you will? – Check that list again for me and see if you can find the truly offensive items listed there within.

Found it?  No?  Interesting, neither could I.   Then why is it that in this day and age we are still treating people who fit one or more of those items listed (and remember they are just those that apply to me personally and there are therefore many others) with injustice, disdain or ridicule?

I ask this question not because of anything has happened to cause me offense or bring this matter to the for today but because Social Stigma has been something I have been dealing with all of my working life within the Social Care sector and indeed even longer in my personal life.

Nor, I should point out, do I believe that you the reader are personally guilty of this kind of thinking.  Or do I?  Indeed am I also guilty of it?

Dorothy Law Nolte PhD wrote a piece called ‘Children Learn What They Live‘ and it is indeed an excellent piece of writing that points out (as the title suggests) that children will learn those things that they have to live with.  But as excellent as it is I would suggest that we can apply it to other quarters…

Schizophrenic’s learn what they live, Mental Illness Sufferers learn what they live, Single mothers or fathers learn what they live. Etc.

If you want to put it to the test click on this ‘Children Learn What They Live’ link and everywhere you see the word ‘Children’ substitute it with ‘someone with schizophrenia’, or ‘a person with poor mental health’ or something that is appropriate to your circumstances and see if it still applies.  I bet in a lot of cases it does.

And lets not forget that very often what we experience now very often has long-lasting effects….

Children NOT ONLY Learn What They Live but they can then go on to Live In Their Later life What They Learned In Their Childhood.

It is a very interesting thought isn’t it?

A few paragraphs above I  made this statement, “Nor, I should point out, do I believe that you the reader are personally guilty of this kind of thinking.  Or do I?  Indeed am I also guilty of it?”

I really did not mean any offense by that statement and I sincerely hope none was inadvertently taken from it. In fact when I ask if you and I are also guilty of that kind of thinking I am not meaning in our thinking concerning  other people but concerning ourselves.

I entitled this article “Dare To Be Different” because that is what I want to encourage us all to be…

Different from those people who so sadly still have wrongful, unjust, harsh, disdainful and harmful attitudes within society today.

Different even from who we have learned to become as a result of this stigma and discrimination being targeted against us.

Different therefore in as much as we will not even allow ourselves to adopt (or to go on having) for ourselves and concerning ourselves, such stigma and discrimination.

To give full credit to and to borrow from Dorothy Law Nolte’s piece how about we make the following commitment to ourselves and to each other….

Even though I as ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ live with criticism, I WILL NOT learn to condemn.
Even though I as ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ live with hostility, I WILL NOT learn to fight.
Even though I as ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ live with fear, I WILL NOT learn to be apprehensive.
Even though I as ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ live with pity, I WILL NOT learn to feel sorry.
Even though I as ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ live with ridicule, I WILL NOT learn to feel shy.
Even though I as ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ live with jealousy, I WILL NOT learn to feel envy.
Even though I as ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ live with shame, I WILL NOT learn to feel guilty.

[For the purpose of this exercise I have used ‘someone with schizophrenia‘ but you can simply substitute something more appropriate to your own circumstances in its place…]

And how about we commit to this not only in respect of our thinking towards others but ALSO towards ourselves and by so doing we can all Dare To Be Different!

[Editor’s Note:  The above article – originally published 31/01/2012 was edited and altered in response to a comment made concerning it.   This comment was legitimate and extremely helpful and can be found below and a fuller explanation and apology concerning the original article ca be found here.  I would very much like to thanks Luna Sunshine for her kindness and for taking time to gently point out my errors within the original piece.]

Introducing Mr Anhedonia

Tags

Anhedonia, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Rejection, Self-Doubt, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

In this post/article I would like to discuss something very personal and in many ways very painful to me…

Allow me to introduce Mr Anhedonia to you.  But please understand that I do so not because he deserves recognition in your life, but because you deserve to have the recognition that he may well be in your life – if indeed he is.

I truly mean it.  If there is one name that I believe every person with depression or mental health related illnesses should be aware of  it is that of “Anhedonia”.

Mr Anhedonia is Greek, well actually to be more accurate his name is Greek and means “without pleasure”. Aptly named since “an” means “without” and “hēdonē” means “pleasure” and because that is the primary characteristic of Mr. Anhedonia, (A secondary characteristic seems to be his expertise in stealth) a lack of pleasure is synonymous with him.

But to imply from this that Mr. Anhedonia is without pleasure would, I think, not be right.  No, not right at all.  Because Mr. Anhedonia is not a person without pleasure.  No Mr. Anhedonia’s presence in your life causes you to be without pleasure.

You see actually Mr. Anhedonia is not a person at all.  Mr. Anhedonia is a condition or more accurately a symptom.  A fully fledged, widely accepted, medically recognized condition or symptom within the fields of psychiatry and psychology.

It is just that Mr. Anhedonia is not very well-known by those who suffer from mental health related illnesses and not often mentioned even when someone has been diagnosed with a related mental health condition.  In fact, from what I can tell, up until the late 1980 Anhedonia was pretty much overlooked or ignored.

Present mainly in the lives of folk who suffer from poor mental health such as depression and especially those who experience mood disorders, schizoaffective disorders, schizoid personality disorders, and schizophrenia he can have a devastating affect on sufferers’ self-image, outlook. and relationships.

Have you ever met someone of whom you have thought, “Man, they can suck the fun out of everything!”  Well that is Mr. Anhedonia.  The only difference is that, as I say, Mr. Anhedonia is not a person at all but a condition and one that is it seems an expert in stealth – what with not often being mentioned or acknowledged when a patient is diagnosed with a related mental health condition.  Let me give you an example…

Firstly of that stealth that I mentioned…

The presence of old Anhedonia in someone’s life will without doubt be felt.  But will it be identified?

I personally have had mental health issues all of my life or certainly for as much of it as I can remember.

As a child (primarily because of my family situation, the time I grew up in and society’s attitude towards mental health at that time) I soon learned to keep my mental health issues and the voices that I was hearing to myself.  Despite my best efforts however, I was packed off to see psychiatrists.  I described some of my symptoms and hid others and had it not been my choosing to do so as a result of my immediate dislike and distrust of the psychiatrists I saw at that time, my life would, I fear, have been very different.  Even so some of the symptoms that I did venture to share were classic to Anhedonia.

As a teen, yet more psychiatrists and despite my being slightly more open and thus receiving an actual diagnosis there was still no mention of Anhedonia.

As a young man, more psychiatrists and yet more and different diagnoses and yet still no mention of Anhedonia.

All through my adult life, and I should perhaps point out that  I am 50 years old this year!, I have seen numerous different psychiatrists, psychologists, psychoanalysts, therapists, cognitive therapists, doctors, specialists etc. And have on numerous occasions with them discussed the symptomatology that I now know to be classic to Anhedonia  and yet not one mention!  So as you can see old Anhedonia’s expertise at stealth appears unquestionable.

And what about the impact of Anhedronia?

I guess, if I am being honest and objective here, I do need to recognize or at least acknowledge that there are some cross-overs between symptoms when it comes to mental health related illnesses.  Additionally I also (as I always like to do) make mention of the fact that I am not an expert nor am I am mental-health practitioner.  I am but a mental health sufferer and survivor.

But that having been said let me tell you that even though I cannot even begin to count the number of times I have explained or described to a consulting psychiatrist or mental health practitioner what I now know to be classic Anhedonia – such as “an inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable”.  Not once did I receive an explanation of what I was experiencing, or a label for it, or acknowledgement that actually it is quite common for folk with the type of mental-health issues that I have to experience this.

And trust me, Anhedonia and the failure or lack of explanation or diagnosis has had a devastating effect on both myself and my relationships with other.

Its impact on relationships.

I think it is worth re-emphasizing here what I have just said.  Not only does Anhedonia have a complete impact on a sufferer’s relationship with his or her self but it can and probably will also have a very deep and significant impact on a sufferer’s relationship with others – especially with his or her family, partner, or spouse.

Relationships are after all built of bonds, commonalities and mutual connections.  Experiences and interests “enjoyed” between a husband and wife or between two lovers or between family members produce a commonality, a bond, a mutual connection between them and these are very much part of either the building blocks of relationships or indeed form part of the glue that binds those relationships together.

Consider this, if you will.  How demoralizing and destructive can it be when one partner or one person in a relationship fails to enjoy an activity or interest or event that the other(s) fully enjoy?  Especially where neither partner or person can fully explain or understand this apparent lack of enjoyment on the part of the one not enjoying it.

Let me ask you this – What would be your natural tendencies in this situation?  Would it be to blame the event or the interest or the activity?  Or possibly to blame the other person?  Or to blame yourself perhaps?

And what if this is not a one-off or an infrequent thing or even specific to one type of activity?  What if it is a regular or frequent thing and happens in respect of a whole plethora of activities or events?

Certainly the opportunity to blame the event, or interest, or activity is removed or at best reduced in these circumstances and thus the potential to consider whether the fault lies closer to home much greater.

Phrases such as, “Is it me?”, “Is it something I have done?” become common place either in communication or in thought.  And if part of that ‘building block’ or that ‘glue’ that I mentioned before and that binds people together is missing and the reason for this not understood such sadness-based and questioning phrases or thoughts are not only natural but are often joined by others such as, “we are drifting apart and I don’t know what to do about it” or “we are falling out of love and I don’;t know how to repair it.”

And it can get much worse and much more personal…

Add to this Anhedonia’s close cousin Sexual Anhedonia – sometimes experienced as a result of a number of possible causes including the use (or previous use) of SSRI antidepressants or of antidopaminergic neuroleptics and you really have a recipe for disaster, unless their presence is clearly recognized, acknowledged and understood – Trust me I speak from very real experience here.  (And there was I thinking I was just a lousy in bed LOL)

In my opinion, enjoying intimacy – be it physical, emotional, mental, spiritual or sexual intimacy – is not only invaluable to a close personal relationship but is in many ways essential.  Generally speaking we are hard-wired to need it, desire it, crave it, yearn for it.  There can in my opinion be very few equals when it comes to what is essentially a selfless selfish desire and our need for it.  And I say that meaning to imply no negativity whatsoever.

The withdrawal or absence of these or even the withdrawal or absence of an enjoyment of these can strike a devastating blow to any relationship unless the cause of that withdrawal or absence of enjoyment is identified and understood and thus compensated for, or worked around.

How do I know this?  Well let’s just say that I am a 50-year-old single parent whose marriage ended several years ago mainly as a result of my mental health related issues  not least which being, yes you guessed it – old Mr. Anhedonia and his cousin.

So if you think that this may be a part of the symptomatology that you or someone you love or care for experiences I encourage you to do more research on the whole subject of Anhedonia and to speak with your mental-health practitioners about it.

As I said before, I am no expert nor am I a mental health practitioner myself, I am but a mental health sufferer and survivor and I speak from very real experience in this matter.  And whilst I have tried to approach this subject from a fairly simplistic and light-hearted perspective I do so not to over-simplify it nor to deny or hide the very real hurt that this has caused and in some ways is still causing in my life – especially with what few relationships I have left.

I am as I said a 50-year-old single parent father whose marriage ended so,e years ago.  But I am also a guy who is isolated for a very large portion of his time – not through desire or because he necessarily enjoys being isolated –  but because he lacks that ability to desire or to enjoy the alternatives.

It is my sincerest hope and my fervent prayer that not only can this be reversed in my life but that as a result of this post/article perhaps others will be able to avoid some of the pain and suffering I have experienced as a result of not knowing about or understanding this symptom or condition.

My Precious Child

Tags

Mental Health, Mental Illness, Self-Image

Here’s an interesting exercise that I have done in a slightly different context and that you might want to do if you are interested and  have the time and if you or someone you know and love suffers from mental health related issues and conditions.

You are asleep one night and waking from your sleep you are visited by an angel.

The angel explains who she is and convinces you of the truth of her mission and of what she is about to tell you.

Sitting up you listen careful to what she says as she tells you that God would like to bestow on you a great blessing but that with this blessing comes a huge responsibility.

The angel explains that in one day’s time you will find a very precious child waiting for you on your doorstep.

The angel goes on to explain that you have been especially chosen for this task because this precious child actually has all of the mental health related issues and/or conditions/illnesses that you have and/or have had and that is your job to parent, love, care for and raise that child.

Additionally, the angel explains that in return for your doing this, all of your mental health issues and conditions/illnesses have now been healed.  But that the memory of them and how they affected you and your life will still remain with you so that you are able to fully relate to and help the precious child.

Before leaving you the angel instructs you to prepare yourself for the child’s arrival.

Wanting to know as much as you can before the precious child arrives, you ask the angel the age and gender of the child?

Giving nothing away the angel simply smiles softly and tells you that this precious child has been chosen specifically for you just as you have been chosen specifically for it.  “Thus,” she smiles, “in your heart you already know the age and gender of the child.”  And with that the angel disappears.

What this exercise requires of you now is to..

1.  Search your heart and decide and write down the age and gender you believe that child would be.

2.  Then try to list what mental health related illnesses or conditions you think the child may have – Remember: The angel told you that the child would have the same mental health related issues and conditions/illnesses as you NOT just the ones that you have been diagnosed with.  There could well be a difference there so list the ones you believe that you have or have had and not the just ones you have been diagnosed with.

3.  Knowing what has taken place in your life try to write a short list anticipating some of the key issues, circumstances and situations that this precious child could face.

4.  Based on your own experiences and knowledge write down a short account of how would you prepare the child for these?

5.  Again based on your own experiences, write down what decisions have you made about how you are going to raise this precious child?  What things do you definitely want to teach the child? What do you definitely not want to do to or for this child?  How tactile are you going to be with the child?  How will you discipline the child if and when they do wrong?  What activities would you want to encourage the child to participate in?  Or not to participate in?  Things like that.

If you would like to try this exercise you can either do so privately, or if you are feeling brave do so and share what you have written either on your own blog or in an email to me or in a comment below.

If you are reading this post not because you yourself suffer from poor mental health but because you love and/or care for or even just know someone who does, then feel free to do the exercise imagining that that person is actually the precious child and using the knowledge that you have of what he or she goes through or has been through.

In the past, albeit in a slightly different context, this really has been a useful exercise and I really do hope folk will try it and will share how they got on.

All the best with it.

Good Afternoon.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Self-Doubt

LOL. No I am not presuming the time of day that you are reading this post nor am announcing the time of day that I am writing it, since actually it is early evening here and I am abut to go out.  What I am actually doing, if honest is being slightly lazy and slightly upbeat in choosing this title for this post and what I actually mean by it is “It was a good afternoon.”

In case you haven’t noticed tend to choose quirky sometimes off the wall headings for my posts so please forgive me this little quirkiness.

This morning I awoke still in the same mood and indeed still feeling as I did last night and to be honest I really wasn’t sure that I wanted to brave getting out of bed.  Part of the reason for this is the cold admittedly as I am being extremely frugal with my heating but the main reason was my mindset and the way I felt physically.

Despite these I determined that I would indeed get out of bed. Firstly because it was possible that I would receive a delivery this morning – I had ordered stuff for my Android (the poor man’s Ipad) and a friend had ordered me some DVDs either or which could have arrived today, and secondly because I had been invited out for lunch today.

Being invited out is of course a very pleasant thing but I have to confess that for me today it was not a pleasant thing at all as it simply added to the conflict I wrote about in my post “Solitary or Social or both?”  I really didn’t want to face it and this is no reflection on either the folk who had invited me or the other folk who would be there as both couples are very close friends and I really do enjoy their company.

Actually getting up was a good decision as I did indeed receive a delivery – the DVDs which I was delighted about.  One was “Kung Fu Panda” and the other was “The Definitive Stephen Fry Collection”.

Yes I know, you could hardly get DVDs that are more different and I would like it placed on record that there is no way that I would have  ordered or bought “Kung Fu Panda” for myself.  [However I will be watching it and probably will enjoy it] Hm did I really type that last bit for all to see?

In respect of the Stephen Fry collection, I have already stated quite clearly that whilst I do not share either his sexual persuasion (I really dislike that expression) or his beliefs in terms of faith and God, I do respect Stephen’s intellect and indeed much of his work.  And what is really good is that included in this collection are a DVD on the Guttenberg Press which interests me greatly and which I haven’t seen and a DVD showing a documentary he did on “The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive” which I have seen but would very much like to see again.

So I was very pleased that I did get up this morning and was therefore able to take delivery of these DVDs.

I also decided that despite the way I was feeling I would push through it all and go to lunch with these friends.  As I mentioned before, these are two couples who close friends from my old church.  Or more accurately two couples who are close friends that I met at my old church since only one of the couples still go to that church.  The other couple, like me, having left the church where we all met.

Actually, I really enjoyed the afternoon and had a wonderful lunch and really enjoyable conversations and thankfully none of the old issues about our previous church came up in the conversation.  God is good!  So the decision to go was a good one and I am very happy about that.

Getting home this afternoon, and having learned from the success of actually going out despite how I was feeling, I decided to do something totally radical and to shave ad get dressed up for Bible Study this evening!

YAY! I hear several people shout in the vicinity of their respective computer screens. (You won’t believe how many people prefer me shaved to unshaven) [Actually I think my rebellion against this move to encourage me to be clean shaven is  as big a part of my not shaving as my just not being bothered about shaving.  But don’t tell anyone as I will get into trouble for being rebellious.]

So this evening I am off to Bible Study despite the way that I am feeling and I am looking forward to it as much as I am apprehensive about it.  My biggest concern is the headaches that I am getting as a result of having to focus but I am praying about this and am hoping that I will be able to enjoy the evening without any headaches or at last with only a small headache.  I will settle for either at this point.

Another thing that I am apprehensive about is people seeing me when I am not at my best.  This is a very new group of people for me and they haven’t seen me when I am in a bad way and even though I have been in much worse states than I am at the moment, and even though they have already proven themselves to be very loving and caring and understanding I cannot begin to express how apprehensive I am about it all.

Regardless of this I am still going to go and I am just going to leave it in God’s hands.

I have to leave now but will right and let you know how it all went.

 

 

 

DO NOT FEED THE BEARS!

Tags

BEARS, bullying, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

I wonder what you think of when you think of bears?

Perhaps cute and cuddly stuffed toys?

Perhaps you are more realistic and think of real bears…

Perhaps you are somewhere in between and think of real but still cute bears…

Or perhaps you think of cartoon or art-based bears such as these that I drew some years back….

Or perhaps you go the other way completely and think of scary bears…

Bears come in all shapes and sizes don’t they?  And I would think most of us at one time or another either in person – at a zoo or wildlife park or reserve – or even on television would have seen a sign like this…

But what if the BEARS I am talking about are not the cute and cuddly things or the art or cartoon things nor indeed real life mammals?

What if the BEARS I am talking about are around us everyday, come in all shapes and sizes and indeed disguises and do more harm than all the mammal typed bears put together?  What if BEARS in the context I am speaking of is an acronym?

• B – Bullying  (bludgeoning, browbeating, harassing,)
• E – Expectations (assumptions, suppositions, presumptions, persuasions)
• A – Accusations (blame giving, charging, incrimination)
• R – Rationale (thinking, logic, belief or actions)
• S – Suggestions (approaches, suspicions, condemnations)

It’s an interesting consideration isn’t it?  The more I read or hear of human nature, the more I recognize that we all of us suffer from Bullying Expectations, Accusations, Rationale or Suggestions.

They really are around us everyday and not only from other people but also from ourselves and our own thoughts!

I cannot begin to describe the actual or potential destructive effect these have on all of us.  Just look at the suicide figures for your area or indeed the levels of mental health related illnesses as a result of depression etc.

And for those of us who do suffer from poor mental health the potential and the experiences can be much more severe.

These BEARS, these – Bullying Expectations, Accusations, Rationale or Suggestions are like predators.  One they have found us they can stay with us and hunt us down it seems.

Additionally they can do so much damage either immediately or progressively and can maim or scar us for life if allowed and without doubt have led to many a suicide especially it seems within young people nowadays.  It is therefore essential for us to do all we can to identify them, recognize them and to avoid them wherever possible.

And let us make no mistake here as I said before they can come from many sources and in many disguises, some of which seeming so friendly and innocent.  So we have to be careful.

In this post I have tried, whilst high-lighting the problem, to keep the subject fairly lighthearted, but I really can’t begin to describe the damage that can be done here.   I really do encourage everyone to give this some serious thought in respect how we allow others to talk to and treat us, how we talk to and treat others and especially how we talk to and treat ourselves!

It is my fervent hope and prayer that in our dealings with each other and especially with our children and young people and also ourselves that we …

Dear Me, Letter To A Younger Self

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Dear me, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, letter to a former self, letter to a younger self, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

Ok so this is going to be a little different…

I have just finished writing and publishing Part nine of the “Managing The Madness Series”. Part nine is in fact entitled “When talking to yourself is not a sign of madness” and in it I explained that I had recently read a letter that the; actor, comedian, journalist and author, Stephen Fry recently wrote to his former 16 year old self in response to a letter that he, at 16, had written to his future self.

I went on to explain how this had given me the idea that actually, as daft and unorthodox as it may at first seem, writing a letter to our former self could indeed provide us with some great insights, and asked “whether it could provide us with some form of release, some form of benefit, some element of healing or forgiveness, some kind of catharsis”

If you want to know more or to fully understand the letter that I am going to publish below you can find my original concept by clicking on the “Managing The Madness” page link at the top right hand corner of this page or “ click here..

So having suggested that this could indeed be a very beneficial exercise and realizing that as potentially beneficial as it is, it is still a very scary prospect I promised that I would publish the “letter to my former self” that I had just written.

I fully realize that by publishing this, I will be opening myself up to potential hurt or even ridicule and indeed may even open up some doors to things never previously discussed with family and loved ones, but I am so keen to demonstrate that actually writing a letter of this type can be done and can have some benefit that I am willing to take this risk.

What follows is therefore that letter. My “Dear Me” letter – my letter to my former younger self. I have not edited it in any way and I publish it just as it was written..

Dearest Kevin,

I know that you do not really know me and that this letter is going to come as a surprise to you, and I apologise if it comes as a shock but hope that you will see that I had to write it.

To be honest, it is my sincerest hope that if you; get this letter in time, if you take time to read it, and if you truly take my words to your heart, you will never ever know me and never get a chance to become me. Not the full me at least.

You see, I am “you” or at least I am the ”you” that you have become many years in the future. It is confusing I know but I so very much wanted to write to you telling you some truths that somehow we – you and I – have never been able to understand or accept.

You see I know the thoughts and feelings that you (that we) have had for so long now. Thoughts and feelings of; being unloveable, of worthlessness, of guilt, and of being somehow damaged even irreparable.

Yes Kevin, even now some forty years into your future I still struggle with these.
For as long as I can remember I too have heard and sadly listened to and believed those voices, those thoughts, those feelings that tell me I am not worth anything, that I am ugly, dirty, useless, worthless. Voices, thoughts and feelings that convince us that we are not worth loving and that seeing as we are not worth loving that those who want to hurt us or abuse us can do so.

But you see those voices, those thoughts, those feelings are wrong, so very wrong and we have no right to listen to them let alone to believe them and I so desperately want for you to know that and to know it now before everything goes so terribly wrong.

You are so very young. Only ten years of age, and trust me I know how already things have gone astray in your young life and how desperately alone you feel.

When you slide into your bed at night and lay there unable to sleep, scared, and alone, desperately trying to face those thoughts and feelings and voices not knowing how to stop them, to change them, to heal them, I have been and am there with you also.

I know only too well, how much you try to hide the way you feel, the thoughts you have and the voices that you hear, from your family and your teachers, and those around you for fear of rejection or ridicule or worse. But I beg of you dear sweet child, I beg of you to trust them and to let them into your inner hidden shame-filled world. Because if you don’t, and trust me I am talking from experience here it will go on to damage you and hurt you and to destroy relationships that you should never have lost.

And even more than this, it will lead you to form relationships that you should never have begun and that will hurt and damage you even more deeply than I care to think of.

Kevin, dear sweet Kevin, how deeply I wish I could be there with you to hold you, hug you, guide you and help you find the healing that you so desperately need and so deeply desire. I cannot begin to place into words, knowing now what lies in your (in our) future if you do not get this letter, the sense of urgency that I feel in trying to change the course of life that you are on.

I desire so deeply for you not to go through what happens to you both in your very near future and beyond it and for you to NOT make those attempts that I know are going to come to try in an attempt to end it all, not to mention those the decisions and actions that you take as a result of the misplaced feelings and beliefs that you mistakenly hold as being true.
Kevin, if you take nothing else from my words to you please, please, accept and believe what I am going to say to you next. Take my words, hold them in your heart and never let go of them. “Life IS WORTH LIVING because YOU ARE WORTH LOVING and what is more YOU CAN BE LOVED and ARE LOVED despite the way you feel.”

Kevin, I know those words are difficult to hear and even harder to believe. But take it from me, and let’s not forget that I am actually you, just and older and hopefully wiser and more experienced you, those words are true and the thoughts and feelings and voices – those hateful, harmful, deceptive and malicious, lying thoughts, feelings and voices – that you and I are so used to knowing and believing are all wrong, so very wrong.

Kevin, I have to close this letter now. I wish so very much that I could write more, share more, show you more. And yet even as I have written the words I have just written, I have come to understand that actually a large part of who I am (who we are) today is in part as a result of what I have been through and what you may yet still go through.

There are so many things in my life that I am thankful for, and trust me Kevin, so many wonderful things that you have yet to experience. Love, marriage, parenthood, your ministry and the faith that I know you already have and yet don’t fully understand or appreciate.

Kevin, please trust me when I tell you that I know the things that you have done and I know the secrets of your heart – the questions, the confusions, the conflicts and the victories. The joys, the fears, the wounds, the guilts, the dreams, and the hopes that are all present there held safe and secure within.

Admit the things you have done sweet child, and accept the love and forgiveness that is offered in return. Trust your family no matter how hard that may seem right now. Because the years of love shared with them that you may lose as a result of not trusting them now can never be regained. Trust me I have tried.

And above all else please, please, know that nothing is greater than God’s love. Not those voices, those feelings, those thoughts, nor the guilt, the pain nor the hurt. None of them, whether individually or combined, are or could ever be greater than God’s love or God’s love for you.

With much love and deep hope,

Kevin.  November 29th, 2011.

So there you have it. My letter to a younger (10 year old) me. If in the publishing of this letter I have opened doorways to things not previously discussed and in so doing have hurt any of my loved ones then I am truly sorry and I hope that you will understand my motivations.

Dissecting The Distortions

Tags

Christianity and Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

I have little to no doubt, having grown up in a seaside town complete with fun fair and regular county shows,

that as a small boy (and yes that is me aged about 4) I would have been taken to the fun fair or indeed those regular county shows by my family.

Likewise, I have little doubt that I would have gone into the house of mirrors.  I am sure that you know the kind of place I am talking about?  Full of mirrors which are re-shaped and designed to distort your reflection?

They are fun aren’t they?  Also, I guess, to some they are fascinating.  I can tell you that as a child things fascinated me and what others seemed to just accept or take for granted, I had to analyze and dissect and understand.

I still remember at a very early age taking my sister’s “very real looking” small toy iron to pieces, checking it out and then putting it all back together and trying to plug it into the mains socket.

Boy did that create a very noticeable explosion and sudden heat in the socket discoloring it  as it blew all the electrics in the house!  Boy, did that then create lots of very noticeable explosions, a lot of heat and a very noticeable discoloration on my backside when my father realized what I had done!  But I digress…

Yes distorted mirrors at fun fairs can be fun can’t they?  Mainly, I think, because the distortions that they create are non-threatening as you know that they are not really happening to you and are merely temporary.  You can easily go from one distorted reflection to another without even worrying.  Leaving any time you please.

But what if it the distortions aren’t temporary? What if you can’t escape them?  What if you are trapped within the very mirror that is causing those distortions?

And what if you aren’t 4 years old, and able to analyze and dissect and understand?

What if you are much younger?  A small child, even an infant perhaps?

What if, even then your mind created altered images, distorted perceptions, corrupted reflections?  Not only of situations and circumstances but of others, and the way that you saw yourself and thought others saw you?

It all seems very dramatic, perhaps even very sinister doesn’t it?

Mildly amusing at first perhaps – when I talked of temporary distortions and took an old photo of myself at age 4 and distorted it slightly.

But then it all got a little more real, a little less amusing, a little more sinister and disturbing perhaps when I took that old photo of myself aged 18 months and distorted it to the image you see directly above.

But mental health problems can do that and mental health problems in children can be so very hard to cope with so very hard to understand and can have a very damaging and long lasting effects.

If you were a child and saw yourself like this..

…and your family told you are loved, and valued, and wanted,  you might well find it very easy to accept.

But if you were a child  and saw yourself like this…

…would it still be easy to accept that you were loved, and valued, and wanted?

Of course today I am much older, and apparently much wiser.  I still analyze, still dissect, still seek to understand and my ability to do so is (apparently) greatly increased.   Greatly increased that is, whilst my mental health is good.  But what about when it isn’t?  What then?

I want to be honest here.  Even when I am at my most rational, even when my mental health is good and I am coping well, I know I  still have to fight to see myself without the distortions that have been with me all my life (or certainly for as long as I can remember).

But here’s the deal, I have to fight.  I have to go on.  I need to see myself and understand myself and accept myself with the right eyes, the correct vision, the true perspective.  To see myself as I truly am, how God sees me, if you will.

And I ask you, “What of you?  What of your reflections? Your understandings? Your perceptions?  Your image of you, and of others, and of how others see you?”

An illness that was mistaken for an overcoat.

Tags

Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obesity, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Rejection, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing

Yes I know, it seems to be an unusual perhaps even an odd title for a post. But then is it so unusual? Is it really so odd?

Many, many years ago – in my youth (and yes I did I think actually have one) there was an elderly lady who lived down the road from me. I knew not her name, nor her occupation, her circumstances of life, her nature or personality or indeed anything about her other than the fact that she lived on her own, down the road from me, never seemed to have visitors and always, whether rain or shine, went out in the same shiny blue overcoat. A shiny blue overcoat which became (to all intents and purposes) to me at least (and I am sure to others) her identity.

Sad isn’t it? Had I been much older I would no doubt have struck up a conversation or three with her and perhaps gotten to know her better, befriended her even. But young people (even in those days) can often be quite thoughtless. What was it that Oscar Wilde pointed out? “Youth is wasted on the young?”

But ask yourself this, if you will… “Am I the only one who mistakenly has assigned an identity to someone or something?” Let’s go a little further perhaps… Ask yourself this,”Have you, do you ever mistakenly assign an identity to someone or something?”

Please don’t get me wrong here. I am, of course, not talking about thinking that you knew someone when actually you had never met them and were mistakenly thinking they were someone else.

What I am talking about is how we see people with illnesses, disabilities, mental health difficulties. Indeed I am also talking about how we interact with them.

See here is the deal, when folk think of me I would very much like them to think of me for who I am, who I really am – my nature and character, my loves, my hopes, my ambitions, my fears, my abilities and yes even my inabilities.

Do I mind that folk know of my mental health issues? No not really, I am long since passed trying to hide it and long since passed worrying about what folk may or may not think of me in that regard. But I am very much concerned that the mental health issues that I or anyone else may have doesn’t become my or their identity.

You see when I get up in the morning, I pray a little and then I go to my bathroom and I wash and dry myself before then going to my wardrobe and/or chest of drawers, selecting the clothes that I am going to wear (unless I have pre-selected them the night before which I often do) and then I get dressed.

Now whilst I cannot guarantee that I follow this routine each and every morning without fail, (sometimes I get up late, sometimes I can’t really get up at all, and sometimes I may forget to pray) what I can guarantee is that when selecting the what I am going to wear that day I never ever deliberately select the mental health that I am going to experience that day.

The reason for this is quite simple- my mental health is not an overcoat! Neither is it a shirt, a jacket, a sweater, socks, shoes, trousers/pants or underwear for that matter.

Do I accept that I have some (often times varying) control over how it may affect me and thus how it may affect others who know me? Yes of course I do. But I can assure you that I have little to no control over whether or not it is with me each day or indeed to what degree or indeed what effect it will or won’t have on either me or on my relationships. And I would venture to suggest that the same is true for most folk experiencing mental health and other medical issues.

So here is my challenge to you the reader…

Consider those folk you know who do suffer mental or physical health issues. And let there be no mistake here, when I ask you to consider those folk who you know who suffer from some mental or physical health issues, I also want to you to include yourself if appropriate and to ask these questions in respect of yourself also.

Ask yourself how you really see them?
Ask yourself how you really treat them?
Do you truly feel you see and treat them fairly.
Do you believe, understand and/or accept that their (or if applicable your) mental or physical health issues and the subsequent effects are in the main not something they (or you) have chosen but something involuntarily experienced?

In short, “Is your relationship with that person truly with that person or indeed is it with the illness? Or in other words, Is it perhaps with – An illness that was mistaken for an overcoat?”

“My whole life stretched out gloriously behind me”

Those of you who read autobiographies and/or who know me well, may of course have guessed that the title of this post is taken unashamedly from “Moab Is My Washpot” the first of (I believe two) Autobiographies by Stephen Fry.

And those of you who know me well may of course know that although an avid writer myself I have long since stopped writing and indeed reading very much lately because my mental health has caused my memory and focus to suffer greatly. You will also know just how much sadness and concern that fact has brought me.

Well I am delighted to say that a friend recently sent my both of Stephen Fry’s autobiographies (as a result of his being certain he had sent one of them to me before and my being certain that he had indeed not.)and so I determined to give reading them a try.

I have to be totally honest here. As I said earlier, I had all but given up reading, let alone writing, as my memory and focus had deteriorated so much that whenever I tried to read the minute I would start a paragraph I would struggle to remember the content of the previous paragraph let alone page, chapter etc.

So I started reading Stephen Fry’s first autobiography with little optimism – little optimism you understand at my ability to read it, not at it’s entertainment/interest value (which I never doubted having gained respect for Fry’s intellect and character some years since).

And I am so very delighted that not only did I manage to read it all but I absolutely devoured it! A few weeks ago my doctor put me on a course of Folic Acid as my Folic Acid levels came back low in one of the many regular blood tests that I have and on researching it I noted with some interest that Folic Acid can have an affect on your memory and focus. So I can only assign the obvious improvements that I have noticed as a result of that.

So what of Fry S. J’s “Moab is my washpot”? Well I absolutely loved it. I read it and as I did I laughed, smiled, chuckled, grimaced, regretted, hoped and yes I even wept. But most of all I related. Yes I related. Related to so much of what Stephen shared through this his first autobiography.

Open, honest, gritty, raw, delightful, plight-full, intriguing, reflective and reflecting and even self-deprecating in so many parts, I cannot begin to explain how appreciative I am of having had opportunity to read this work and indeed how much of it I so very much related to and how it has caused me to consider the child and youth I once was.

Like myself Stephen has long since been open about the mental health challenges he faces and like myself he has a love of words, the arts, and literature and poetry and film and … And for many years now I have respected all these things in him even if we do part when it comes to some beliefs and some relationship practices. But I am fairly confident that Stephen Fry (were he to even have the interest or opportunity to comment) would agree with me that we should not alienate but celebrate the differences we each have. For those very differences, just as much as the similarities, that we all have are what make us so wonderfully interesting and compatible.

So tonight (or this early morning as it is now 4:17 am here) I find myself both encouraged and reflective…

Encouraged by the fact that I could even manage to read it. Encouraged to find someone else with whom I share so many thoughts, circumstances, experiences, shadows and indeed “unbelongings” (Yes I know that isn’t really a word, but hey, all words had to be created somewhere and by someone) .

Reflective over the state, impact and tragic beauty of my mental health. Reflective over the people currently and who have been in my life. The relationships and indeed lack of them. Reflective of the person I am, was never got to be and indeed became and will be.

Reflective over “My whole life stretched out gloriously behind me.”

Tempestuous Times.

Now for those of you who, like me, are fans of literature and the arts and indeed of Shakespeare the title of this post bares little reference to Shakespeare’s play The Tempest and more reference to the word’s meaning – although I do of course accept that there are similarities between the play’s circumstances and those of my own.

Indeed in terms of the tempestuousness of my current situation I (much like Prospero) find myself set adrift and indeed very much stranded by circumstance and my own mental health.

I am isolated and I know it. There are storms and I feel them. I cannot sleep despite all attempts to sleep. I am in this beautiful world so very much alone within the island prison of my mental health issues. Unlike Prospero I have no Miranda to keep me company and indeed am left with the thoughts and voices that haunt me and that, much like Caliban, are deformed and monsterous and unlike Prospero and Caliban’s relationship seemed to have saught out and adopted me not the other way around and which (again unlike the former) seek to destroy as opposed to teaching to survive.

I am taking my meds, I am eating healthily, I am doing what I can and yet the tempestuous times still haunt and surround and imprison me. I yearn for the final curtain. I grow weary. I tire, so very deeply tire of the voices which ask, “Canst thou remeber, A time before we came unto this cell?”

Zoned Out – Inimically me!

Tags

Christianity and Depression, Isolation, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Doubt

I wonder, if you were told that you had contracted a disease or illness and that was harmful to others, how keen you would be to interact with people, to socialize etc?

I would like to think that whilst you may desire to do so you would in fact isolate yourself until the disease/illness could be cured or at least managed to such a level where it was no longer harmful to others.

But what if that illness was not physical but instead was psychological? What if your mental health presented situations where your reactions, your comments, your behavior sometimes caused harm or offense to others?

See here is the deal, whilst I am fully aware of my mental illness and indeed the potential for it to affect the way I perceive things and thus how I react I was under the impression that I had a pretty good grasp on it and thereby it was not impacting others in an adverse way.

But it seems that this is not true and, if what I am told by my pastor is correct, actually there have been times when I have reacted or said things that have caused hurt or offense to others. This means that my mental health is not only affecting me but is also affecting others and I just cannot allow that. I see no reason why others should suffer my illness.

So I need to do what I can to address this and to do so without hurting people. The difficulty is that whilst my pastor was willing to point out that I have reacted or said things that have caused hurt or offense to others, he wasn’t so forth coming with specifics. So I don’t even know what they were, how or when.

Because of this I have become somewhat of a recluse and have isolated myself as much as possible. I need so badly to get a handle on these thoughts and voices and to be able to control them at least enough to know that they are not damaging things.

It is interesting – at least to me – that of the few memories that I have I do recall my father coming home from work, sitting in his arm-chair and basically zoning out for the rest of the day with hardly any interaction. At the time I paid little mind to it or to what caused him to do this and in fact it became more a matte of amusement than of concern. We would turn the television over and wait for several minutes before he suddenly barked the order for us to turn it back as “he was watching that program.” The fact that several minutes had passed before he had even noticed proved to us that he wasn’t really watching it and that was the amusing part for us. That and the fact that although he was obviously “zoned out” you only had to mention a cup of tea or putting the kettle on and he would instantly say he wanted one.

As I said, at the time this was more a source of amusement than it was a source of concern, but interestingly I now find myself doing the self-same thing, It seems that hours can go past before I look at the clock and realize that I too have been “zoned out” for all that time. I think I am entering into an internal dialogue with the thoughts and voices, more the thoughts I would say and that leads me to a place where the rest of the world just doesn’t exist. But how do I stop this when the thoughts alone and often the voices also are ever at me and when the self-doubt and the harmfulness are ubiquitous within them?

I need to find peace – but at what cost? In truth I could ask for the Effexor (my antidepressant) and the Respiridone (the anti-psychotic that I am on) to be increased but my experience of this is that is simply chemically zombifies me and I cannot function even enough to pray or to worship or to focus enough to read my bible. I just cannot live like that and whilst I am finding each of those thing harder and harder and whilst I am “zoning out” more and more I do still have periods of lucidity like now.

Is the self-imposed isolation harmful to me? Possibly so but I would rather have that than put others in a position where I can offend or hurt them by what I say. Either way, I need to find an answer to these ever-present thoughts and dialogues that I am having with myself and I would rather harm myself than harm others.

Looking at Suffering – Accepting your own.

Tags

Boils, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Mental Health, Obesity, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Rejection, Self-Awareness, Self-Harming, Self-Loathing

Is it, I wonder, dignity or defeatism to accept the suffering that you yourself are experiencing?

I guess, if I am honest, it really depends on who you ask and indeed the type (and possibly the cause) of the suffering that you are experiencing.

It is, I think, a natural and understandable human compunction or desire to wish to see the suffering that a friend or loved one is suffering removed or even reduced. Because of this I think a fair question to ask would be, “Does not the sheer desire to see this removed immediately label that suffering as a negative, harmful, unfair or even wrong thing?”

But is this always the case?

Do we not as parents, when our children misbehave, impose some form of discipline, some form of discomfort or “suffering” that they have to experience or endure in order for them to learn? Doing so in the hope of reducing or removing greater potential risks or sufferings later in life? Do not our doctors bombard cancer patients with harmful radiation therapies in order to combat the more harmful cancer cells that are damaging or destroying their bodies? Likewise do they not inflict further suffering on a patient with a badly fused fracture by re-breaking and resetting it in the hope that it will benefit them in the long run?

Is there not, within each of these examples, a very clear “lesser of two evils” philosophy being applied here? Whether understandably so or not we are able to see this in each of these examples and we hope that the application of short-term suffering will result in longer-term gain.

But what happens when the causality of the primary/core sufferings is not as easily identified or not as easily understood? Likewise what happens when the potential outcome or even the desired potential outcome is not as easily identified or perceived?

Those who know me well will know that I have for years now experienced both poor mental and poor physical health. Indeed those who are actively involved in my life at this time will further know that for weeks now my mental health, not to mention my physical health, has completely crashed and I have been suffering great bouts of depression, confusion, self-doubt, self-loathing, self-harming and even suicidal thoughts.

In truth I am so very tired of the suffering and in truth I am just as tired of the countless pills, capsules, creams, pastes, inhalers, and sprays that I am meant to take, use or apply each and everyday in order to… “prevent further deterioration” or “preserve” or “lengthen” my “life”, or to “mask the symptoms”, or “manage my conditions” or allegedly to “improve my quality of life.”

But does being so desperately tired of it all mean that I am NOT accepting the suffering I experience or is it simply a natural bi-product of what I face?

See here is the deal. The truth is that there are numerous people out there – with or without a faith in Christ – who suffer far worse than I do. The truth is also that my suffering is nothing compared to what our Lord experienced.

The truth is also that I am not looking to identify causality of those conditions that I experience for which no readily identifiable causality seems available. I simply desire to understand the conditions and the effects that these have on my mental and physical health and indeed my spiritual health.

Likewise I am not seeking to apportion blame or indeed responsibility for their presence only in fact their effect.

I refuse ABSOLUTELY to question God – His power or indeed His justness in all of this. Because for me to do so would be to suggest that God is somehow or should somehow be accountable to me and I just won’t go there as to do so is, I believe, even more unhealthy than I am 🙂

Yes I struggle so greatly with my health – physical and mental and indeed if I am open and honest here spiritual health, but I do NOT struggle with and indeed I do so accept God’s sovereign will, His love and His justness in it all even though I do not fully understand it.

As a Christian I face many different responses to my mental and physical health – responses that vary from “I am so sorry you are going through all this”, to “is there some un-forgiveness in your heart that is preventing your healing?” or “do you feel that some lacking in your faith is preventing your healing?” or “what do you think God is trying to teach you by bringing this to you or allowing this in your life?” Trust me I have varying levels of sadness, concern and even at times disdain over some of these suggestions and the inferred nature of God that are assigned to them. For me they approach the whole subject from a false and wrong perspective.

The question I have to ask, now that I am experiencing a rare moment of lucidity, is not, I believe, so much “Do I believe that God wants me to suffer?” but more “How would God want me to behave in response to my suffering?”

I started this blog with the question, “Is it, I wonder, dignity or defeatism to accept the suffering that you yourself are experiencing?” Perhaps the answer to this question lies less in the apportioning of the label I assign to my suffering and more in the attitude with which I address what I am experiencing?

Realism

Tags

Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Loathing

There are certain things in life that seem almost mundane in their predictability it seems, things such as the self-hating, accusatory and self-denigrating thoughts and voices.

But then – since mundane by definition means; “of, relating to, or typical of this world; relating to, characteristic of or commonplace; ordinary” and indeed there is nothing commonplace or ordinary in what I experience as a result of my thoughts and voices I guess they are thus not really mundane just painfully predictable.

Painfully predictable – what an extremely accurate description of what I am experiencing and indeed the crash that I know is coming and inevitable.

I sit here late into the night/early into the morning and the darkness outside my window pales into insignificance compared to the darkness of my mind and mood.

I love God, truly love God and yet that very love excludes me from effectiveness because I know who I am, how I think, what effect this has on me.

For years I have struggled with the torment of my thoughts clinging hold to the one faint hope that these thoughts don’t hurt others the way they hurt me and yet lately I have come to see that actually they do.

I think back to the arguments I have had, the relationships that have ended, been broken or damaged and I realize my own part in all of these.  How much can I fairly and justifiably lay on the shoulders of my mental health and how much do I rightfully bear on my own shoulders?

And where does one go with all of this?  To the cross of Calvary? What happens when you look towards that cross and despise the very thought of someone such as you being allowed near it?

I am tired, so desperately tired. I am weak. So desperately weak. I hurt.  So desperately I hurt.

Won’t Someone Please Stop My Mind? I Want To Get Off!

Tags

Christianity and Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing

The eyes close and as they do so the movie begins.

Has the closing of the eyes, this momentary stepping away from consciousness of “the real world” brought about the start the movie? Or indeed is the real world actually the movie and the assumed movie really the real world? Is the matrix really not all around you but all within you?

Either way the eyes close and as they do so the movie begins. 

And like the inmates of some distant prison camp stuck with but one feature your heart and mind call out for a comedy, a romance, God even a chick flick, but to no avail as once again you are left with a horror.

Pictures flicker into brilliance from the recesses of your memory and your torment. Brilliance not in terms of radiance but in terms of the complexity of the labyrinth it creates with you.

As the cryptic caustic cellulose drags itself over the cogs of your cognition they avoid the scrutiny of the “rational guards” and once again you are trapped, held helpless within the ever-present cart that hurtles up and down on the labyrinth-like roller-coaster of your thoughts.

Plummeting one minute into depths of self-hatred and hurtling upwards the next into the ridicule and accusation of someone else’s you try in vain to ride it out knowing all along that this particular ride has no end.

Oh God how I tire of this ride, this torment. Won’t someone please just stop my mind? I want to get off!

Distinguishing between the thoughts and voices.

Tags

Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia

I am very mindful that for those who don’t suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia or even any mental health issue with schizophrenic behavior or elements, the idea that it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between the thoughts and the voices might be a difficult concept to understand.

“Surely the voices are audible and the  thoughts are not?” I hear you ask.  And on some level you would be correct in your question but it just isn’t that simple.

You see clarity of mind is essential for understanding, comprehension and evaluation.  Just ask any stressed out over-tired student how having little clarity of mind can affect them.

I find myself so very disturbed at the moment and in truth my mind is so tormented and so very tired that I doubt at times if I can truly distinguish between my thoughts, the voices and the guy speaking on the television in the background as I sit reading or working.

This creates major problems! Thank fully I have thus far resisted the temptation to give into any of these.  So the good news is I am still here to write my blog, love the people in my life and have not as yet done anything majorly silly to myself.  Nor have I been out and bought a new car, microwave oven or holiday (as the adverts often encourage.)

Although if I am honest I did spend several hours sat down in the cold looking at the river and wondering how to keep myself from simply climbing down into it and letting this madness end last night.

At the time of writing I am fairly coherent and lucid but it is a very real struggle and I can feel myself getting weaker and weaker and more and more tired and less and less resilient.

In truth I have a wonderful and loving heavenly Father who loves me, loves us all, and who has helped me so very much thus far and I also have wonderful kids and wonderful parents who love me and who help me.  I even have a wonderful church which I attend and who have always been there for me although I just don’t feel I can bother them anymore.

And there within lies the problem doesn’t it?  How do you tell those closest to you how desperately tired and despondent you feel without burdening them?  How do you as a Christian comment on, testify about and witness to how wonderful God is when inside you are going through so much torment and when deep inside you feel a burden and a nuisance even to that wonderful God?

But that is a lie from the pits of hell isn’t it?  That is the thoughts or the voices talking and my tiredness and my despondency showing through.  Can we ever be a nuisance or a burden to God?  I don’t believe so even if at times they (voices and thoughts) try to make me think so.

Being so long at the river last night without a suitable jacket has meant that I caught a chill and so I was told to  rest up today and I did s I was told and spent the day converting old home movie videos to DVDs.  As I write one is playing in the back ground and as with all day I am sat here listening and watching old happier times of love, family, fun and good health.  I mourn for that loss and I yearn not for those days but for the good physical and mental health that I enjoyed then.

Will I ever enjoy them again?  I have no idea and if honest I have no idea how long I will survive in order to be able to reach a time when I will enjoy them again.

I love my family and I love my heavenly Father and I love the church that I struggle so much with lately, but I hate (forgive the unchristian attitude) my tormented mind!

The message of Christ is one of eternal hope and I fully and totally believe in it.  But you know what, that “eternal hope” is so appealing especially when the present just offers despair.  I am minded of Paul who said “For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.” ( Phil 1:21 NIV) at this time dying certainly holds it appeal but my life is Christ’s and accessing that eternity, that presence with God in Heaven, has to be at HIS timing and not mine.

I pray for others with similar affliction,  torment, and despair and I encourage not to give up hope.  If you have a faith I ask that you also pray for them and if you have a mind, for me also.

The Dialogue of Me, myselfs and I.

Tags

Christianity, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obesity, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Rejection, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing

It is nearly 1 am and I have just finished speaking with my family on the telephone, not my biological family but the family God brought me into in order to help me heal and to learn.

We happened to discuss Albert Einstein and I was sharing how, in many ways,  I could relate to how isolated he was as a child and I admitted that so often when going into my dark places I yearn to be able to explain the countless web of thoughts that are spun and that entangle my mind. But how very difficult it was to place into words the myriad of different hurts, doubts, self-criticisms, and self accusations that go on in there.

But I want to reach out, I want to shout out, “Moms, Dads, family, I love you and I trust you and I need you.  I want you to be able to walk freely inside my pain without your being hurt by it and yet able to help heal it and to experience or at very least understand the maniacal labyrinth that imprisons me suppressing my emotions, my anguish my very sense of hope.

All I could come up with is this, to try somehow to place on paper (or at least a computer screen) a snapshot if you will of the dialogue that goes on in my mind between me, my selfs, and I (with of course the ever present additional comments from the peanut gallery of hate thrown in).  I also wanted to try and share with those who do not understand mental helath, schizophrenia or self-harming, just some of the things that go on in the mind of someone who does or at least this mind at least.

And so I am writing this dialogue.  Just one of the many different dialogues that go on inside my mind.  Just one of the many conversations that happen within me.

I warn you now that for some this may be disturbing, even painful.  I apologize for this but how can I truly share the pain, the torment, the desperation without being open and honest about it? So if you are easily disturbed please do not read on.

If you do decide to read on then I  guess the best way for you the reader to try to make some sense of this is to view it or read it as f it were a script like the script of a play…

————————————————————————————————

Location/Scene…

Some wherein my mind, it is slightly dark and somehow sinister and becoming more and more dark and sinister as each minute goes by. Somehow all around fades, all activity, all life all sound fades and the only thing left is the darkness, me, my selfs and I and of course off in the distance the peanut gallery.

Cast list..

me – is the real me, the central me, the core me.

selfs – all the other parts of me, the voices and thoughts that seem so strong so dominant so loud.

peanut gallery – the parts of me that I know are there but can’t seem to identify and yet that I hear in the background and yet still am so very much aware of their presence.

I – the collective of all the parts.

Dialogue…

(The words appearing in bold and italics are ones often emphasized with sarcasm r accusation within this internal dialogue.)

selfs: “You were an awkward child, you know that don’t?”

peanut gallery: “A very awkward, a difficult child.”

me: “Yeah I know”

selfs: “Yes a very awkward, difficult child.”

me: “Yes but still a child.

selfs: “Your parents never stood a chance  of loving you.”

peanut gallery: “No! You never let yourself be a child.”

me: “But I wanted them to love me and anyway they did love me, it was me who messed it up.”

selfs: “Yes, you did mess it up and so they couldn’t love you.”

peanut gallery: “Because you wouldn’t let yourself be a child, not their child, not anyone’s child.”

me: “Was it my job to let myself be a child? Or their job to help me be a child?  Does a child know it is meant to let itself be a child?”

selfs: “Does any normal, undamaged child even think about whether to be a child or not? You shouldn’t have even been thinking of whether you should let yourself be a child and should have just been one.”

me: “Wait! did I say I didn’t let myself be a child?  And anyway I don’t think I thought on those terms back then.”

selfs: “We’ve already agreed you never let yourself be a child, and anyway you were the one who brought up having to think about being a child.”

me: “We agreed that? I thought we were talking about being loved?”

selfs: “But children are loved.”

peanut gallery: “Not this child. He was never loved.  He never let himself be loved.  He never let himself be a child.”

me: “But I just said I was loved.”

selfs: “No! you said they loved you.  You never said you were loved.”

peanut gallery: “Because he never let himself be a child.  Never let himself be their child.”

me: “Wait, I admitted it was me who messed up, I had mental health problems,  and I did say I was loved by them.”

selfs: “No, you said they loved you. But you never said you were loved by them.”

me: “I did! Didn’t I? I mean if they loved me I must have been loved.”

peanut gallery: “Not you!  No not you.  You never let yourself be loved.  You never let yourself be a child.  You were damaged goods.”

selfs: “If a man goes to hit you, but you duck out of the way, are you hit?”

me: “What?  No of course not, be cause you ducked. So of course you aren’t hit.”

selfs: “Aha! So in the same way if someone goes to love you, but you wont accept it (or you duck out of the way of it) then you aren’t loved.”

peanut gallery: “He was never loved.  He never let himself be loved.  He never let himself be a child.  And anyway he was hit.  He was hit a lot.”

me: “Wait! that’s different!  Hitting is physical, loving isn’t physical it’s emotional, it’s spiritual.”

selfs: “Sometimes loving is physical.”

peanut gallery: “Hitting is physical. You were hit a lot. You let yourself be hit didn’t you.”

me: “I had no choice!  I was a child!”

selfs: “Ok, so if someone hates you but you don’t accept that they hate you are you still hated?”

peanut gallery: “No. You weren’t a child.  We’ve already established that you weren’t a child. You never let yourself be a child.  Remember? Hell, You still won’t let yourself be a child.”

me: “Shut up! I want to talk to my selfs! If someone hates me, but I don’t accept that I am hated am I still hated? No because I haven’t accepted that hate.”

selfs: “But it is still there in them.”

me: “Yes, but not in  me.   So I don’t have their hate and so I am not hated.”

selfs: “Our point exactly.  So you wouldn’t let yourself be loved. So you weren’t loved.”

me: “No that is not what I said.  “I said, I was loved.”

selfs: “Make your mind up!   You can’t have it both ways.  Were you hated or not? Were you loved or not? You said if someone hated you but you never accepted that hate then you weren’t hated.  So by the same theory, if you were loved but never accepted that love then you weren’t loved.  You can’t have it both ways.  Which way was it?”

peanut gallery: “He still wont accept love.  He doesn’t know how to accept love.”

me: “Wait! I can’t argue with you all.  I mean I can argue with you all, I just can’t communicate my argument with you all at the same time.”

peanut gallery: “Why not?  We can communicate our arguments with you at the same time.”

selfs: “So which one is it? You haven’t made your mind up.   Come on make your mind up!  Were you loved or hated?”

peanut gallery:  “He was hit.  We agreed he was hit.”

me: “But there are lots of you and only one of me.  How can I communicate with all of you when there is only one of me? And I was loved. I know I was loved. I just couldn’t experience it somehow!”

peanut gallery: “But you experienced being hit.  You could experience that!  And anyway, we are all inside you and so we are you and so if we are you then surely you can communicate with you at the same time, because you are you and we are you.  So, we are all one and one person can easily communicate with one person.”

selfs: “So you were hated but didn’t accept it and so weren’t really hated. But you were loved and didn’t accept it but were really loved.  That doesn’t make sense now does it?  “You’re not making sense again.  No wonder no one can love you.”

me: “They can love me!  I said they can love me! Didn’t I just say they can love me?  I can’t remember.  I am confused. You are confusing me! And anyway we are not all one because we are all many.”

selfs: “But only you see and know the many.”  Everyone else just sees the one.  The you. Are we not all part of you?”

peanut gallery:  “The you who can’t be loved.”

me: “Yes of course you are part of me.  Who else would you be? And I can be loved. I admitted that I can be loved”

peanut gallery:  “Can be loved or are loved?  Make your mind up, you keep changing it.”

selfs:  “He isn’t loved.  We already agreed he isn’t loved”

me:  “I am loved and I can be loved, it is you who are un-loveable.  You are damaged and hurt and you spread that hurt. You are poisonous.”

selfs: “But we are part of you and if we are part of you and we can’t be loved then there is a part of you that cannot be loved and so if there is a part of you that cannot be loved then actually you can’t be loved. Now can you?”

peanut gallery: “He can’t be loved. We know he can’t be loved.  We already agreed he can’t be loved.”

me: “My family loves me.”

selfs: “No. your family loves the you that you show them. They don’t know the rest of you now do they?”

me: “How can they know the rest of me?  You are the rest of me and you are  inside of me and you keep hiding and changing and you keep hurting and running.  How can I possibly let them know the rest of me when I don’t really know the rest of me?  I don’t even know where you came from I just know you are there.”

selfs:  “Then they can’t love the rest of you and if they can’t love the rest of you how can you say that they really love you?  They don’t even know you.  No-one really knows you.  Hell, you even said it yourself – you don’t really know you! You can’t really love someone you don’t know.”

peanut gallery:  “See! Didn’t we say all along that he couldn’t be loved and isn’t loved?  See, he is awkward and difficult.  He is damaged!”

selfs: “No, you have it all wrong.  He isn’t awkward or difficult or damaged.  We are all awkward and difficult and damaged.”

me:  “You are!  You are awkward and difficult and damaged!  And even worse than that you are harmful and dangerous and toxic!  You hurt me and tear me down!  You are evil!”

selfs:  “And yet we have already agreed that WE are part of YOU.”

peanut gallery: “So since we are all part of you, then the truth is that YOU are harmful and dangerous and toxic!”

selfs: “The fact that we are part of you is undeniable.  So since we are ALL agreed on this and therefore all agreed that you are therefore harmful and dangerous and toxic then YOU are not safe to love.”

peanut gallery:  “So, if you are not safe to love, if you really love others you will not let them try to love you – because you are harmful and dangerous and toxic.”

selfs: “YOU will only hurt them!”

me:  “Wait!  I can’t think!  I am so tired!  You are starting to make sense and I know you are wrong but I am finding it so hard to find the lies hidden in the corrupted truths you keep twisting and throwing at me!”

peanut gallery: “You are the one doing the thinking! We are ALL part of you remember.  You just don’t like the truths that you are thinking!  You are tired because you are arguing against the truths that you know we are showing you. ”

selfs: “And we are You! So you are telling yourself the truth but not wanting to accept it because the truth hurts.”

peanut gallery:  “No wonder you are tried!”

selfs: “You are seeing how dangerous and harmful and toxic you really are!  You know we are right you just don’t want to accept it!”

peanut gallery:  “You just don’t know what is real, can’t accept what is real. You don’t know how to handle it.”

selfs: “You have all this inside you and don’t know where to go with it.  You have to get it out! But you are dangerous and harmful and toxic.  Not safe to be around. You hurt people, won’t let them love you, you can’t let them love you.”

peanut gallery: “No, you CAN’T let them love you. You have to protect them!”

selfs: “Yes you must find a way of dealing with this pain, this harm this poison in you without hurting others.”

peanut gallery: “Yes you have to get it out but must not let anyone else suffer it.”

selfs: “You need to stay hidden, to keep the real you hidden, to stop the poison, the harm, the danger from spreading to others especially the ones you love.  Only you deserve that pain, that harm, that danger. ”

peanut gallery:  “Yes only YOU deserve it.

selfs: “But you must find a release for it before it destroys you!”

peanut gallery:  “You know how to release it don’t you.”

selfs: “You need to see it being released don’t you!  You know you do.”

peanut gallery: “Need to see it coming out of your body!”

selfs: “Yes, to actually, to physically, see it leaving you.”

peanut gallery:  “leaving your fat, useless, ugly, decaying, rotting body.”

selfs: “It’s only a body and it’s already damaged and rotting, another scar, another line, more pain, won’t hurt it. Won’t hurt you.”

peanut gallery:  “Yes you know how to deal with physical pain.  You’ve experienced physical pain, you can handle physical pain!”

selfs: “Yes, You need to experience that pain.  Something real, something tangible, something physical.”

peanut gallery: “And anyway you need to be punished for all your toxic-ness, for all your harmfulness, for being so dangerous.

selfs: “For never letting yourself be a child.”

peanut gallery “For never letting yourself be loved.”

selfs: “For still not being loved.”

peanut gallery:  “Maybe if you punish yourself now, maybe if you release that toxic, dangerous, harmfulness now, whilst you are alone you will be safe to be loved.”

selfs: “But only a little bit loved.  Remember YOU Are still dangerous, toxic, poisonous, harmful.”

peanut gallery: “Yes, dangerous toxic, poisonous, harmful – damaged!”

selfs: “But you will at least be a little less toxic, less dangerous, less poisonous, less harmful.”

peanut gallery: “You know what you must do.  You have to release it so you can see it.”

selfs: “Yes release it.  Feel it.  You need release.”

peanut gallery: “You deserve punsihed”

me: “I can’t think!  I am so tired so desperately tired!”

selfs: “It’s the poison.”

me: “I need help!”

selfs: “You can’t be helped, you are toxic, poisonous, harmfull, dangerous, you can’t take the risk of hurting others.”

peanut gallery: “You must let the poison out. Only you can do it and only one way is safe.”

selfs: “Do it now before you are too tired and it consumes you.”

me: “I need help.”

selfs: “You need release.”

me: “I need to pray.”

selfs: “You are too tired to pray.”

peanut gallery: “You need punished.”

me: “God loves me”

selfs: “You can’t experience love”

peanut gallery: “You can experience pain.”

selfs: “You can experience release.”

me: “I need that release.”

selfs: “Release is certain, Release is sure.”

me: “I need to sleep.”

selfs: “You need to act!”

peanut gallery: “you need to be punished.”

me: “I need to be held.”

selfs: “You need to hide”

peanut gallery: “You need to bleed!”

selfs: “You need release.”

peanut gallery: “You need to hurt.”

(And so the darkness consumes all and then the release and possibly some form of sleep. An unsettled, restless sleep where nightmares dance with guilt and failure and pain).

———————————————————————————————–

So there you have it.  My attempt as sharing at giving an insight into my internal dialogue.

It is so hard to describe what goes on and indeed this is just one example.

The truth – God does love me because NOTHING is bigger or stronger than God’s love.

The Truth – My family do love me because my mental health does not limit their ability to love me only my ability to experience it.

Again please understand that this is but one of the many internal conversations that go on inside my head on a regular basis.  Please also understand that I seek not to suggest that this is what all schizophrenics or folk with voices or mental health suffer, just what I do.