What Constitutes Suicidal Thoughts and…

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Suicidal Thoughts

… when and how do you healthily respond to them?

Is one of the questions which keeps going around my head at the moment.

To be totally honest it is a question which arose from my state of mind at the moment and one which – seeing as my mind is obsessing over things at the moment  – something that I just don’t seem able to let go of.

Additionally, since I am being out there and open with it all, I am OK letting my mind obsess about this question at the moment.  Because it is a heck of a lot healthier than actually obsessing on the harmful destructive thoughts going on inside my head right now.

And speaking of being out there and open, I apologise to anyone who knows me and who may be concerned as a result of this post.  That really isn’t the object or purpose of this post at all.  And I really do want to be clear that whilst I am in a very fragile state I am not contemplating suicide at this moment.

But I have to do something to defocus my mind from those other thoughts right now and besides, this really is an important question.

See here’s the deal.  Something happened on Friday which completely distressed and disturbed me.  And which my mind just won’t let go of.  It keeps replaying it over and over and it just won’t let go of it.

No one is to blame for this, but me.  And no one set out to intentionally hurt or distress me.  And in truth there is no way they could have known the landslide of destructive thought processes which they inadvertently started or triggered.

But the landslide started and they – the destructive thought processes – simply won’t stop. But when does a destructive thought – even and especially repetitive and obsessive destructive thoughts constitute actual suicidal thoughts?  And more importantly when and how do you healthily respond to them?

Its a very difficult question isn’t it?

In the rational I can see them for what they are.  I understand what caused them and I even understand and can recognised the flawed and twisted logic and arguments that they put forth to accompany and support their suggestions.

Likewise, in the rational I know that they also come in waves of intensity and that said waves increase as it get later and later in the day and peak when the night falls.

I know and recognise the pattern here.

The way it all works within this ideation within my mind.

I know only too well the observations and arguments my mind throws up to bring me closer to the edge and I know the counter observations and counter arguments that I will state in order to slow that process down.

I know the facts and myths and the statistics concerning this.

How suicidal thoughts, also known as suicidal ideation are thoughts about how to kill oneself, which can range from a detailed plan to a fleeting consideration which does not include the final act of killing oneself.

I also know that the majority of people who experience suicidal ideation do not actually go as far as attempting it (let alone succeeding).  And that according to studies only just over a fifth of people who died by suicide had actually discussed their thoughts or intentions prior to the act.

And I know that my own thoughts are not of how to commit suicide.  In truth I worked that out a long long time ago.  (And I think a great many of us have made similar considerations or had similar discussions without any intention of actually doing so.).

No for me it is not a case of actually doing it, it is a case of trying to stop it from happening.

It is so hard to describe.  It is like my mind – the obsessive, destructive thoughts process – is trying to push me towards the edge and all I can do is fight with it.

And the longer the fight goes on the weaker and more tired I become.  (Minds with obsessive thoughts don’t shut down long enough to allow sleep, let alone sleep of any quality.)  And the closer to the edge I know I am getting.

 

Now I need to  make this clear again, since I blog openly and not anonymously.  Yes I am experiencing very harmful and destructive thoughts which are also obsessive and relentless.  And I have been now for three days ever since what happened on Friday.  But I am still able to fight them to varying degrees of effect despite becoming more and more tired and less and less able to function properly.

And the purpose of this post is not to concern anyone.  It is instead to invite comments and opinions from other bloggers and readers about such obsessive harmful and destructive thoughts.  When do such thoughts constitute suicidal thoughts?  When should we really be worried about such thoughts?  How do we respond (healthily) to them?

 

 

 

Mini Mental Me’s Apparent Addiction to ‘Thought Jenga’

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Mental Health, Functionality, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia

I have, over the years used many metaphors in order to try to describe or explain my mental illness and the way in which it impacts my life.  Some have been dark and sinister by nature and some (I hope) humorous and light hearted.

My favourite way of describing or explaining my frequently struggling mental health is ‘Mini Mental Me’.

For the uninitiated or unfamiliar with ‘Mini Mental Me’ he is the little man who lives in my brain and who is charged with the responsibility of ensuring it’s correct and efficient functioning.  But who – for a myriad of reasons – constantly fails at this task – often to varying degrees of spectacular.

One reason his frequent inadequacy at the role which which he is charged is – or so it seems to me – appears to be his addiction to ‘Thought Jenga’.

‘Thought Jenga’ appears to be a game which he plays where he takes all my different thoughts and thought processes (represented above by the different coloured bricks) and instead of organising and stacking them neatly and correctly – as my OCD requires and as any normal mind would – decides to see just how much fun he can have by stacking them all higgledy-piggledy in order to (I can only assume) watch them (and of course my peace of mind and sometimes my life) wobble and shake and subsequently tumble.  A past-time which is obviously a a spectator sport egged on by both the internal dialogue and those pesky  destructive (seemingly) external voices.

[Of course it is entirely possible that I do not have mental illness at all and it is Mini Mental Me who has mental illness.  But don’t tell my psychiatrist that as it would no doubt instantly be recorded on my file as me being delusional in some way LOL.]

So where does Mental Mini Me’s apparent addiction to ‘Thought Jenga’ leave me and what is the prognosis for it’s impact on my life.

Well I guess a lot of that – whilst part of it is of course outside of my control – is down to how I approach it, I think.

So what I have decided  to try to do for the rest of this year – the beginning of year already being fairly spectacular in it’s madness and mayhem – is to try to take control of the things that are important and which I can take control of.  And I am doing so in full awareness that they will at sometime go awry and will therefore need repairing.

But my thought process (hopefully this one isn’t flawed or foolish) is that the more control I take of things that can and often to wrong, and the more I maintain control of them the less damage that can be done and thus the less repairing required when things inevitably do mess up (Or should that be when I or Mental Mini Me inevitably messes up?)

And to do this I have been identifying weak spots, stressors and areas of need.  These are the areas where the most damage is often done and which often cause a downward spiral in my physical or mental health.  Of course living alone makes controlling – heck often even recognizing – these glitches all the more difficult.

But I have at least identified the key areas.  Which are as follows…

Keeping my home neat, tidy, clean and orderly.  My environment has, I have learned, a direct impact on my mental health and one sign that things are not good – either with my mental health or my physical health is a decline in the general good order of my home.  And this in turn then adds to the problems.    I am determined to try to keep my home a lot cleaner and tidier this year.  Not that it is usually that bad but can get quite bad when my physical or mental health declines.

Eating Healthily and Regularly.  I tend to forget to eat and I certainly don’t eat regularly or healthily enough.  In truth I can not only go hours without even thinking about food, but even a couple of days without thinking about food.  Additionally, other factors play into this.  Financial difficulties, physical health, memory issues, focus issues, to name but a few.

For example, if I screw up my finances – something I tend to do a lot – I often don’t have enough to buy food, let alone healthy food  And this can last for some time as often when I screw up my finances I am left desperately paying all my money to bills instead of buying essential food.

Likewise, if my physical health is bad, and (as regular readers will know) I have a number of physical health issues, I can find myself unable to stand long enough to cook a healthy meal and so resort to microwave meals, take outs or fast food deliveries. Something which I am determined to change this year.

Actively fighting the compulsion to isolate.  Whilst isolation or at very least limited socialization appears on face value to be my most comfortable approach and certainly reduces the ammunition available to the  negative internal dialogues and paranoid and destruction external voices, it is probably true that it is in the long wrong not healthy for me.  So I am going to try to socialize more this year and at very least leave my house more.  At the moment, apart from going out for a coffee and a little shopping twice a week with my carer Sinéad (something which only began last year) I tend only go out to church on Sundays, sometimes a bible study once a week, and if necessary essential doctor, hospital or psychiatrist visits (and even them I tend to avoid if possible). Although thanks to Sinéad’s encouraging and efforts I did get out much more last year.

Also being more active (when I am able) will no doubt help with my weight and health.

Having a regular and recognisable routine.  This is another area which really helps with my mental health and indeed my physical health.  The more I have a routine the better I am.  And at times when my mental health starts to slip into a decline or a crash, having and keeping to a routine can delay or slow this decline or even prevent a crash.

Keeping my mind active and healthily focused.  This is a big one for me,  As often when my mental health suffers (and Mental Mini Me plays ‘Thought Jenga’ my focus, memory and comprehension suffer.  Which means even the simplest of things like reading becomes difficult. (Sometimes I can’t even remember the start of the paragraph by the time I am two lines into it.  And so writing is therefore even harder and often impossible.  Posts which I would normally write fairly speedily can take me numerous hours to complete.  And I get frustrated with the situation (and thus myself) and lose interest.

Additionally – as part of the ‘Thought Jenga’ games that Mental Mini Me plays, and the resultant increased internal and external dialogues, I can slip into harmful or unhealthy thought patterns and processes,

But I am convinced that the more I engage in healthy mental activity the less this will happen.  At least that’s the theory.  (Just as long as I watch for signs of compulsive thought patterns)

Taking my meds regularly.  Is another huge one for me.  But thank fully there are some improvements on this score.  Because I struggle so much with my finances I often forgo buying my meds and pay off my bills instead.  Additionally because of my frequent memory and focus issues I have often (actually frequently) forgotten my meds.   And then of course there are the fairly common ‘do I really need these’ or ‘can I actually be bothered to take these’ syndromes when it comes to meds, which a lot of us seem to experience.

If I go for a while without remembering to take my meds and am not cognitive of any slipping in my mental or physical health (which of course are often there but I just haven’t seen the signs) I question if I really need them at all.  Which of course I do.

And if I am totally honest.  To add to all this I simply don’t trust and don’t like the effects of my psychiatric meds.

But, as I said, there have been huge improvements on this score.  I am (thanks to the support and encouragement of a couple of dear friends – you know who you are) at least taking my physical health related meds pretty much as I am meant to.  And so that is a good sign at least.

Managing my finances properly.  Is perhaps the biggest of all of the weak spots, stressors and areas of need.  There is a recognisable cycle here.  My mental health (or even my physical health) declines and my memory, focus and comprehension decline along with it.  I forget to pay bills and spend my money on other things or simply spend it on other people.

What happens next is that either a) I then get angry letters telling me I haven’t paid bills – which alert me to the fact that my mental health has slipped somewhere along the way and I haven’t noticed or b) my mental health improves and I myself realise that I have messed up again.  And I then of course, go into a lengthy phase of trying to repair the damage already done.

And this long pattern of financial mismanagement has often taken its toll and often leaves me feeling like a failure and both demoralized and defeated.  Which of course then only provides ammunition to those internal and external harmful and negative dialogues.  Which then in turn complicate matter further and induce a further decline in my mental health.

And those, amongst a plethora of other stressors, weak spots and areas of need are (I think) the main ones.  They can be so destructive, can’t they?

But I am convinced that there is hope – even with Mini Mental Me and his apparent ‘Thought Jenga’ addiction.  Not only for me, but for all of us suffering with poor mental health or with mental illness.  And yes even those of us who suffer from paranoid or non paranoid schizophrenia or (like me)with schizoaffective disorder.

The fact is that I have seen an improvement in almost every one of the key areas that I have mentioned above.  But, of course, the biggest one – my finances – is a huge challenge and the one I seem to struggle with the most.

And of course if I could just cure Mini Mental Me’s Apparent Addiction to ‘Thought Jenga’ life would be soooooo much better.

 

 

Overcast With A Forecast of Inclement Weather.

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& M.E., Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar DIsorder and Sleep, CFIDS, CFS, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts

If I had to describe my current mental health status using weather terms that would be the description that I would currently use as it is the most fitting that I could think of at this time.

“Overcast with a forecast of inclement weather”

Not a very positive report I know.  But then I like to keep things real and I am acutely aware of my mental health and how it affects me and as I said, I couldn’t think of a more accurately descriptive report.

The thing is that whilst it give some information about what is happening right now and indeed does carry with it some warning of what is likely to come it doesn’t commit to anything too specific.  Does it say tornadoes, hurricanes, whirlwinds, gales, etc?  No.  It just says that what is to come is likely to be stormy, tempestuous and severe.

The thing is that I just don’t know what is to come. I just know how I am at the moment – hence the “overcast” statement and I just know what feeling like this, being like this, normally leads to.

But we all get times like this don’t we?  Times when we feel that there is little to no sunshine in our lives or even on the immediate horizon?  Times when, for no apparent reason we get a sense of impending doom?

I mean surely those things, those feelings, those thought processes, are not unique to those of us who suffer from poor mental health or with mental illness?  No of course they aren’t but here’s the deal.

When you do suffer from poor mental health or from mental illness, and know how that poor mental health or mental illness plays out in your life, those feelings – those thought processes, are usually far more accurate and are usually indicators that all is not right within and trouble is indeed in store.

Sadly, what they don’t often come with is specific indications as to just what kind of inclement mental health weather is to come.

Physically I am run down at the moment and, as the trip to the doctor today has confirmed I have indeed had flu for the past few weeks and on top of that also have a sinus infection.

I am very much aware of this and I am very much aware that this is affecting my overall poor physical health, sleep patterns and general mental health.  LIkewise I am also aware that one of the conditions that I suffer from is paranoid schizophrenia.  Impending doom and paranoia are close relatives in my experience and I also need to bear that in mind.

But I find myself extremely agitated an anxious at the moment and I find myself very much on edge.  I want to sleep and hope the whole thing goes away, but know that sleep avoids me once again.

I want to reason this whole thing out with logic but find myself in that heelish place where I can reason enough to work out things are not right but not so much that I can reason my way beyond that or out of that.  I dislike this particular place of confused and impaired mental agility and in response to that comes the temptation to self-medicate to such a degree where reason is no longer possible. But then isn’t that what the voices want?

My faith of course assures me that I will get through this and yet that same faith and assurance condemns me to go through it and not to give in.

 

 

‘Just One Touch’ Campaign 2012 – Update

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships

Hi all,

Firstly and before anything else I would like to say how very touched and grateful I am by all of the comments of support and reblogging that has been offered in response to this campaign. I can’t begin to express you how grateful I am for this and how much it means to me.

As a result of such response I have been reflecting on the campaign and really feel that this is something that the Mental Health Writers Guild should be hosting as opposed to it being something which comes from this my personal blog.

Because of this I have today created a page on the MEntal Health Writers Guild blog and I hope therefore that in this way we can generate more support and touch more lives.

You can find that page here and I have also created an honour roll on that page for those who support this campaign as I feel that support needs to be acknowledged.

Again, many, many thanks to everyone who has gotten behind this campaign! You are just awesome.

Structure and Discipline

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, memory loss, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obsessive Behaviour, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Now there are two words that are sometimes treated as if they are bad words in this world today.

But for those of us who have problems with our mental health and especially if you are like me and have problems with memory and bouts of confusion if not episodes of chaotic thoughts ‘structure and discipline’ are essential.

Structure..

It’s the framework that holds everything together isn’t it?

Without our bone structures, our skeletons, we would be a quivering mess and without definable form.  (Hm aren’t I like that anyway sometimes?)

I am a very big guy, obese and way out of condition and in many places you would be hard pressed to locate a bone without the aid of x-rays.  You know they are there and in your head you have a rough idea of what my skeleton might look like but in your eyes the picture is very different.

Life, our time, and how we use it, can be like that can’t it?  The more we identify and closer we remain to that framework, that structure, the better and healthier it often is.  Especially when it comes to my mental health it seems.

But of course doing so, requires attention, effort, discipline.

Discipline…

As a child I was disciplined by my parents.  Sometimes well, sometimes badly and sometimes in the wrong way.

[Hey no parent is perfect and I am certainly not having a pop at my parents here.]

But discipline, the right kid of discipline is important isn’t it?  Certainly it is important if we need or want to stay close or true to that structure.

In an ideal world the older we get the less we need others to discipline us and the more we discipline ourselves.

Of course poor mental health can remove or reduce our ability to be self-disciplined and thus even as adults we sometimes need others to encourage us or discipline us in the right ways.  I freely admit my failings or weaknesses or inabilities in this regard and freely accept my need for the right kind of help when it comes to being disciplined.  Not the wrong kind of course 🙂

Order is the opposite of chaos.  In fact chaos is in many ways the absence of order.  Thus, if you do have chaos to one degree or another in your life, introducing order is a way of impacting that chaos in much the same way that darkness is in many ways the absence of light and thus the introduction of light impacts darkness.

Those of you who have been following this blog will know that I started writing novels again recently and in fact I am about a chapter (possibly two) away from completing the latest one.  This is incredible and extremely encouraging for me given the difficulties I have had in the past.  BuT it comes at a cost and whilst it is no major cost or no great cost I do recognize that cost.  And that cost has been that other things have fallen by the wayside for a while.

Nothing so important that it is terribly detrimental for them not to have ben done but still things which I wanted to and should have done.

In truth I do not know if my focussing so relentlessly on writing the book is as a result of the obsessive part of my mental illness or whether it is the result of joy at being able to write again after so long without being able to.  (Much the same way as a man coming out of the desert who has gone without water for days and days will try to gulp it down.)

But what I do know is that regardless of the motivation for my having obsessed about the writing of this book I do need to take another look at the structure of my life and to put things back in their proper place and proper priorities.

Our structures, our framework, our skeletons work extremely well because all the pars interconnect properly and serve a function.  So too, or so it seems to me, should it be with our schedules and timetables and structures in respect of the employment of our time.

So that is what I intend to be doing tomorrow.  Re-looking at my schedule, my structure, the skeleton of my week and reorganizing it and putting all the parts back in the right order.

I will then be asking those who are nearest and dearest to me and who care for me to help me keep to it.