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Voices of Glass

~ One man's journey through Paranoid Schizophrenia, Mental Health, Faith and Life.

Voices of Glass

Category Archives: Navel Bleeding

Dealing with all matters related to Navel or Belly button bleeds and included so that others who may experience these or who think that they may experience these or who love or care for some one they think may experience these can find support and information.

Tomorrow is another day.

09 Friday Dec 2011

Posted by boldkevin in Announcement, Navel Bleeding, Rectal Bleeding

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Announcement, bleeding, Circulation, Personal Journal

An hour or so ago I published a post that I had started writing when I first got up but that I had to stop writing as I have suffered migraine like  headaches all day.

Some have already responded to that post and noticed  the difference in its tone.  I am always grateful for people’s responses and the feedback that I get even when the post isn’t too positive and I accept that this last post wasn’t too positive but then I promised myself that I would be real in this blog.

The truth is that having poor mental health or poor physical health and indeed having both combined can drag you down and whilst I try to be real I do so with the sure-fire resolve and assurance that it will improve either in this world or the next and that I have a loving  saviour who will not forsake me.

As for how I am at this present time, I am slightly more encouraged.  I have just shared a bible study with my family and this is always a positive thing.

The blood issues are still on my mind I have to say and still very much present.  (I just checked).  I shared my concerns about them in my posting entitled “bloody concerning” the other day and am very grateful for the encouragements that I received concerning this.

Despite my reluctance to see a doctor about something so intimate and being victim of a very poor self-body  image I did call my doctor today but sadly they closed early today and so I could not arrange an appointment.  I have however spoken to my son and he has offered to give me transport to the doctors tomorrow if am able to arrange an appointment and I am going to call and arrange one tomorrow if possible.  Tomorrow is as they say another day.

Nothing else has really changed in respect of my health since my last post and so I am going to go to bed and try to rest some more in order that I may be able to get up early tomorrow and call my doctor.  I did just want to post this update before retiring for the night and to thank everyone for their comments, encouragements and prayers.

 

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Solitary, Social or both?

09 Friday Dec 2011

Posted by boldkevin in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Leg Swelling, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Navel Bleeding, Poor Physical Health, Rectal Bleeding

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

bleeding, Christianity and Depression, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal

Another very rough night.  I spent all night sat watching television unable to sleep and unable to read.  Additionally I didn’t really want to get into talking with anyone and so I simply sat watching television all night.

To be totally honest I am not really sure what is going on at the moment although I do recognize certain situations, circumstances and rationale’s within it all and how unhealthy or negative these are.  But of course changing them is not always easy especially when they are in others and the way they are treating you as opposed to being in yourself.

One major consideration for me at the moment is the Solitary v Social situation.

I think it was Aristotle who first expressed the whole “is man a social or solitary creature or both?” question and I am very much aware that this is a consideration that has been explored by many philosophers, religious leaders and indeed psychiatrists and psychologists ever since.

These two “states” are by their very nature, I would suggest, polar to each other.  Because of this – depending on how they are managed – they can no doubt cause a certain amount of conflict in us.  Although some people do seem to fit from one state to the other with a great deal of dexterity.

For example, a person with a propensity towards solitude may find a discomfort in social settings and vice versa.  Additionally the level of discomfort experienced will be directly proportional to either a) how much comfort or security they find in the one state and/or b) how much threat they find or perceive in the other.

There are of course exceptions to this rule and a solitary person may find comfort or security within specific social groups or circumstances that are not so readily available to him or her in others circumstances or situations.

I am also convinced that how sociable and/or  how solitary a person is will be directly  and/or indirectly influenced by the circumstances of his or her life, his or her experiences, and his or her relationship with others and also (and this is often a key point which is overlooked) with his or her self.

As for myself, I would have to say that I have a very strong propensity towards the solitary state and quite a lack of interest in the social state.  People often ask me if I find being alone so much difficult and I am always somewhat intrigued by the idea that “not being alone” is appealing to them and I also find their assumption that being social would be appealing to me.

Of course as a Christian I have to consider what I am called to be?  In this regard, I personally do not believe that I, as a Christian, am called to be entirely or even mainly solitary.  And having said belief, for me personally, one of such exceptions that I mentioned above would have to be in respect of fellowship and indeed the call to participate in corporate worship.

But I have to admit that, outside of this and often even inside of this,  I am finding it harder and harder to be “social” and that I do certainly experience more and more of an allure towards being solitary.

I have several times recently considered stopping my internet subscription, closing down all my blogs and social network participation and indeed canceling my home phone and relying only on my mobile phone for emergency calls and the one or two conversations that I do enjoy each week.

I find myself conflicted between the solitary state that I seem to enjoy – even desire, and the social state that everyone else seems to desire for me and expect of or for me. Which of course logically brings one to consider if this is a reflection of my natural state or indeed an exaggeration of my natural state in response to how I am “feeling” at the moment?

Both mentally and physically I find that I am growing more and more weary and more and more tired and I am not sure as to the cause of it all.  I recognize therefore that the allure of solitude could well be simply an expression of the fetal position that so many of us seem to desire or need to revert back to at times.

[If I could be bothered I would respond now to my mind’s immediate invitation to reflect of the psychological significance of sleeping positions but alas I have no enthusiasm for such folly at the moment. Hey ho perhaps another time.]

Am I able to focus?  Yes in the main I am, but then I find that I don’t really enjoy doing so and in fact just recently I experience such headaches as a result of the effort to focus.

Are the voices  or thoughts bad?  No not really – at least no more than normal.  They are of course still present and still active but not more than usual I would say.

Am I enjoying the things that I do?  No I just don’t seem to be able to do so, outside of one or two momentary situations or activities and actually I find that I am very lethargic at the moment and on top of this I am spending more and more time in bed or in mindless futile activities.

Actually if I were to describe my mental appetite at the moment I would sadly have to admit that I am perfectly content with meat and two veg as opposed to spicy exciting and enticing food.

In terms of the physical, I do believe my current issues with the bleeding is dragging me down, but then again I cannot rule out the possibility that instead of being part of the causality of my current state they could well be symptoms instead.

Now here is an interesting thought that has just occurred to me.  Hm perhaps I should explain that the main body of this post was started when I got up some several hours ago but that due to my headaches I had to leave it as a draft and retire back to my bed for a bit.  It has only been on re-reading this draft posting that this thought occurred to me and I have to say it is an interesting consideration.

I recently started a new experimental treatment.  Could this have something to do with the bleeding issues that I currently facing?  Of course jumping to conclusions is never a good idea and certainly  have no expertise in this field but it is an interesting thought.  See I do still have the ability to be interested in something.  I shall mention this to my doctor and may even text the consultant in charge of the whole experimental treatment program and see what he has to say. Hmm interesting.

Perhaps I should explain (for those new to or who have not been following this blog) that even if I do text him and there is a possible connection between the bleeding and the treatment there is little that he can do I feel since the treatment consists of a regular monthly to six weekly injection and I have recently already had the first one.

But overall I am just so tired and so lifeless lately or more accurately so energy-less lately and I don’t know why that is.

My blood glucose levels seem fairly normal.  A few peaks and troughs along the way but that happens and is not out of the ordinary.

My diet is poor but that is a financial concern really and I really do need to eat more veg as having reconsidered my diet over the past few weeks I really don’t think I have eaten any veg at all.

In respect of my medication nothing has changed there and so that really can’t be it.

So all in all I am at a loss as to what is dragging me down so comprehensively and indeed how to address it all.  But of course I stand assured that it will, as all things do, eventually pass and that i am not alone in all this despite the fact that I do feel so desperately alone unless the timing or whim suits others to get involved.

 

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Bloody Cencerning!

07 Wednesday Dec 2011

Posted by boldkevin in Announcement, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Journal Entry, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Navel Bleeding, Obesity, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Poor Physical Health, Rectal Bleeding

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Announcement, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Circulation, diabetes, Faith, Personal Journal, Self-Image

I have spent the day resting.  Yep all day apart from twice when I had to get up to answer the door.

Once was for the local community volunteers who come regularly to check up on me and another time was for a delivery.

I guess I am just particularly tired of late.  I am really not sure why this is, just that it is really knocking me for six.  Part of me says to fight it as much as I can – which I do when I am able, the other part of me says to just accept it as a part of life and to deal with whatever hand I am dealt (so to speak).

But then that is one of the conflicts that are so frequently present for those of us who suffer from poor mental health combined with poor physical health.  Earlier today, whilst laying in bed and during one of my many “awake” moments I checked out a fellow blogger’s blog.

James is a good guy from what I can tell and is much younger than me and trying his hardest to face life as best he can whilst dealing with his Manic Depression and trying to work his way through university.  I can understand and indeed relate to a lot of what he writes and indeed what he goes through, having been there myself.  I see the conflict that he faces trying to deal with not being “normal” per se and yet wanting others to treat you normally whilst all the time having to deal with the inner feelings and thoughts.

I find that I am struggling a great deal today. The day did not start well and got progressively worse as it progressed, although not too badly it has to be said.

It all started off with my noticing yet more bleeding.  Now blood to many is just a part of life and finding a little on you every now and then from some scratch or cut normally produces nothing more than mere curiosity as to where it came from.

Historically it has been seen as the very symbol of life.  For the Aboriginal Australians it featured highly as body markings for sacred dancers and for many pagan beliefs features very highly in their sacrificial rites.  Even in our Christian faith system it features highly.  But for a self-harmer it has produces all sorts of results and can lead to a series of concerns and considerations and may even trigger them.  Fortunately I managed to stay fairly ok about it all when I first noticed it.

Further, slightly apprehensive, investigation led to the discovery that I have again been bleeding from my navel again.  Which of course leads to more complications as it does throw up the question of whether or not to see my Doctor again?  I don’t like being a nuisance and I don’t like people seeing my body and get very apprehensive about both things.

Then to cap it all off I noticed more rectal bleeding which  of course didn’t help much and which of course led to even more deliberations, conflicts and concerns.  If I don’t like the thought of the doctor peering into the hole in my stomach you can imagine what the thought of her peering into the other hole does to me?  Sorry if that image is a little too graphic for anyone.

So today I find myself struggling again.  I am, as I said, very tired and very worried about what is going on with my body.   I am trying to stay rational about it all and indeed to not let it worry me too greatly but they worry about going to the doctor is as bad as the worry about what it going  on.  So I am going to try to put it out of my mind for a while  – which is of course not that easy when you have a mind like mine.

I hold on to the sure knowledge that I am not alone in all this since I have a personal faith but have to admit that outside of all that I feel very, very alone – something which doesn’t normally bother me but today it is it seems.

Such is life.  It is all bloody concerning.

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