What If You Were To Write Your Own Obituary?

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Mental Health, Paranoid Schizophrenia

“What if you were to write your own Obituary?” It might, I  admit, seem a strange thought and indeed a strange title to place on a post in a blog dealing with mental health issues.  And I am not, of course, recommending that you do so with any harmful thoughts or plans in mind.   In fact I am not even suggesting that you write one for you as a whole person.

Perhaps I should explain…

The new year began, albeit nearly three weeks ago now, with my feeling somewhat fatigued and yet somehow also relatively hopeful.

I had, if I am honest, (and somewhat to my surprise) begun to formulate plans for this coming year.  Not by way of a New Year’s resolution you understand. Quite frankly I am not into making these and besides, these plans had started to formulate early December and on into the Christmas period.  They were plans to try to grow healthier and stronger in several areas of my life including my mental health.

Then I was hit with a bout of flu.  A flu which quite frankly has knocked me for six and which I am still battling with.   Flu which also forced me to spend far too long in bed. (Do I hear lots of ‘poor you’ sympathy comments at this point? LOL)

Being in bed so much, of course had a negative impact in some areas as it meant that some of the things that I normally do fell by the wayside for a while.  But there can be some positives as well.  One such positive for me personally was that I got to watch a few films which I probably wouldn’t have seen otherwise.  And one of these films was one called ‘The Last Word’ starring Shirley Maclaine and Amanda Seyfried.

Now I am not going to say very much about the film itself – I don’t want to be accused of putting any spoilers out there.  But I will say that it I enjoyed it a lot.  It also got me to thinking about Obituaries.

‘Obituaries’.  Those statements written about someone when they have died, and which are designed to announce that person’s passing and in some brief way to encapsulate who they were and who (or what) they have left behind.

In truth, I would hate to have to write my own obituary.  As those who know me would probably testify, it would either be far too long-winded or simply consist of some snappy humorous one-liner.

But what if we were to write our own obituaries.  Not for us as a whole person but for those parts of us – those parts of our mental health or even those parts of our character – that we would dearly love to see leave us?

Following the general format of: Name/Title. Date of Death. Who or what they have left behind or are survived by. How would the obituaries you write for your mental health issues or unwanted character traits read?

Here’s a few examples I have come up with for me:

Announcing the death of ‘MY HARMFUL THOUGHTS AND INTERNAL DIALOGUES’

Died ‘January 19th, 2018’ after an long hard fight lasting most of their (actually MY life).

They are survived by a close companion who is now determined to live a much fuller and happier life.

 

Or how about:

Announcing the passing of “My Bouts of Apathy”

Passed away on January 19th, 2018.

Known for a dedicated commitment to visiting whenever personal hardships happened or increased, it’s passing leaves behind a determination in me to fight on and to care.

 

Of course writing an obituary for such things might seem very easy and a pointless task to some.  And indeed I fully accept that there are somethings which are to some degree or another beyond our control.

But for me personally the process of making such a list and of writing such obituaries has been very helpful.  And the truth is that I am fully convinced that all too often can fall into the trap of not fighting against them enough and of simply accepting their presence in our lives.

And why should we accept them?  Why should we give them control without putting up a fight? And yes I fully understand – trust me I really do understand – how tiring and debilitating their presence can be at times.  But, since we are discussing obituaries and thus death, I am minded of a very relevant quote.

Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is that which dies inside us while we live.

It is a quote accredited to the American author Norman Cousins and its truth is very relevant to us here, isn’t is?

Whilst writing your list of things you would dearly like to see the back of in respect of your mental health or your current character traits. The things you would dearly love to be able to write ‘an obituary’ for.  Why not ask yourself what things have ‘died inside you’ or are dying inside you, or often suffer, as a result of your mental health?  And then ask yourself how much better it would be, how much better your life, how much better you would be, if you really did fight harder, took more control or took those positive steps which were recommended to you and which you didn’t have the energy or resolve or enough hope to even try.

Please understand that I am not meaning to suggest that you haven’t been fighting, or haven’t already been battling to improve things.  I have read too many blogs and spoken with too many fellow sufferers to even think, let alone suggest such a thing.  But I am also aware of how much and how often our hope, our will to fight, can take a battering.

As I said before, I ended last year with a very real determination to grow stronger and healthier – both physically and mentally – this year.  And I shared how this year has started with me feeling very fatigued and with me being hit with a bout of flu which has knocked me for six and which I am still battling against.  But I am determined to see it as just another knock back and one which will not defeat me nor divert me from my resolve to achieve my goals.

In truth there are areas where I may not be able to fully control the impact of my mental health on my life. But in truth I can and will continue to try to impact that control.

So yes, this year I will be writing obituaries in respect of certain aspects of my mental health.  And whilst it might take some time until they actually pass I know that then battle with be worth it and I know that the end result each time will be my being able to make the statement “and is survived by a much healthier and happier person.”

 

 

It really is OK to struggle.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Harming, Suicidal Thoughts

“It really is OK to struggle.”

It has been a thought which has been going around – the spaghetti junction thought highway which is  – in my brain for some time now.

Well I say that it is a thought, but to be honest it kind of yoyo’s between a thought and a consideration. Leaping into a possible conclusion one minute and then crashing into a deeply serious and concerned question the next.  Do you ever notice how such ‘deeply serious and concerned questions often take on the feel – even the familiar vocal tones and inflections of authority figures from your childhood?  Or is that just me? LOL.

But I digress.  So yes this one has been circling around inside my brain (and if I am totally honest my heart) for some time now.  

And I can’t help wondering if poor old Mini Mental Me (pictured left) – he who is the keeper and filing clerk of all my thoughts – isn’t just about frazzled with this one by now.

You see different folk, most of whom really are so very well intentioned, have different ideas about this one, don’t they? Especially if, like me, you are a Christian and especially, like in my case, those ‘folk’ are also Christian.

In which case you tend to get a very specific and peculiar brand of responses and opinions on this particular subject.

“No, struggling means that you are not trusting.”  is one response I have heard a number of times.

“You aren’t letting go of something if you are struggling with it.”  Is another supposed pearl I have often been offered.  And I have to be honest here, I have mixed opinions as to both the validity and the usefulness of such responses – especially when it comes to mental health and mental illness.

And of course the whole “It really is OK to struggle” consideration gives light – well to the observant amongst us at least – to the fact that I really am struggling at the moment. The lesser observant amongst us – along with the too busy or too easily fooled among us – get thrown by the mask I feel the need to apply whenever in public or in company.

But masks get sticky and sweaty and uncomfortable and heavy don’t they?  And so behind closed doors, in the solitude of our own homes, we tend to take them off, don’t we?  And besides, perhaps keeping the mask on – even though seemingly essential at times – is a dangerous thing to do.

See I understand the concepts and thought processes, even the – often erroneously applied – scriptural instructions behind such opinions that I mentioned above. But where the struggle is – even if only in part – as a result of mental health issues or mental illness they belong on the ‘best not expressed pile’.

You see, on Tuesday last I did something different.  I let my guard down (removed the mask a little) whilst at the Psychiatrist.  Something which – I have to be honest here – I don’t usually do.  And the psychiatrist – who was someone I hadn’t seen before, (Here in Ireland you seldom see the same psychiatrist each time) was really caring and really compassionate.  And what is more he actually took time to listen and to communicate – which again is in itself a rare thing here – due to the pressure of demand that they are under.

And that simple act of kindness – that caring and compassion – has made the mask feel somewhat uneasy to reapply.  So much so that in a totally unrelated conversation with someone from church I even let my mask down and admitted the fact that I was struggling to them.  And now – and again let’s be honest here – here I am sat writing a blog post on my personal blog when I haven’t posted on here for some months now.

You see struggling doesn’t have to demonstrate or to be perceived as a sign of weakness. On the contrary, in fact.  Sometimes, and I cannot express this too clearly or too firmly here, it is a sign of strength and of perseverance.  Especially when it comes to mental illness and mental health related issues.

Yes I am struggling and yes – when the mask comes off and when the doors are closed and when solitude and I keep each other silent company within the echoes of the thoughts and voices – it is sometimes difficult to see any point in going on, or to actually connect with, take ownership of, feel validated in accepting and assigning to yourself, the reasons to go on.  But this is nothing new and this has been the case for a good many years now and this is a part of my mental health and this does demonstrate perseverance.

And yet here’s the deal about perseverance. It is an indicator of what you have been through and in  many cases still are going through.  It is a guarantee that you have made it this far. BUT – and this really is important here – whilst it may be a guarantee that you have made it this far and may well be an encouragement to go on it is by no means a guarantee that you will go on.

I need to act!  To take decisive steps to enable that ‘going on’, that continued perseverance.  And yes, to be honest, at this point, continuing perseverance is all I can even imagine being able to achieve, and even that seems a somewhat distant hope.

Over the past few weeks my strength, my resolve, has weakened and even at times – especially just recently – taken a battering. And at the same time those harmful, those sabotaging thoughts and voices have increased and intensified.     Even my kids, and those closest to me, have asked if there is something wrong or if I am upset with them.

Old harmful temptations echo from the past yearning to get reacquainted. Exit strategies – how’s that for a nice simple oh-so-modern and socially acceptable term or face for something oh so dangerous and sinister – seem even more appealing.

And yet still I know that I am not intended to face this  alone or to struggle alone in all this – except that is the other – often unnoticed – side of masks, isn’t it? They not only fool others and prevent others from getting in and hurting you. They also fool yourself into stopping others from getting in and helping you.  And they most definitely add to and at times create a false and negative or harmful perception of yourself.

As the title and my earlier comments tell you. I am convinced that “It really is OK to struggle.” but it is most definitely not OK, most definitely not advisable to struggle alone. And trust me, when it comes to mental illness and mental health issues, even your faith and that absolute belief that God will never let you down is somehow clouded from your view.

And yet can I truly allow myself to allow others to draw me out from what can – if I cut all the sugar frosted coating – only be recognised as the oh so old, oh so familiar “me, myself and die” mindset that has somehow secretly become such a part of me?

Somehow I have to.

So yes, “It really is OK to struggle.” but…

 

 

The Ostrich and The Sand

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships

Images such as this one (or certainly people seeing this kind of Ostrich behaviour) are probably what gave rise to the saying “Stop burying (or don’t bury) your head in the sand.”  and refers to the habit of ignoring oncoming troubles or deliberately not seeing warning or danger signs.

And, as far as I understand it, the saying was first recorded by Pliny the Elder (a Roman author, naturalist, and natural philosopher AD 23 – AD 79) and it is believed that folk saw ostriches burying their head in the sand (or in bushes) and thought they were doing so in order to try and hide from or avoid danger.

Actually it is a myth.  Ostriches do not bury their head in the sand (or bushes) for this reason but do so instead in order to find food or to dig a place for their eggs.

But whilst Ostriches burying their head in the sand to avoid or ignore the warning or danger signs may be a myth, the fact is that people doing it is not so much of a myth.

Sometimes hose of us who suffer from mental illness or poor mental health (in terms of that saying) can be the Ostrich can’t we?

And certainly we are not alone in this.  The temptation to avoid or to ignore warning or danger signs is not unique to those of us with mental health challenges.  But I do wonder if the presence of mental illness or poor mental health can increase our tendency to do this?   And from that comes the question, “Do we sometimes wrongly  allow our mental health issues, or our mental illnesses, to become a justification for not attempting things or facing things which actually with just a little more effort we really could have faced?”

It is for me an interesting question.  In this context – if I am the Ostrich, are there times when my poor mental health or my mental illness becomes the sand?”

And not only is it a very interesting question but I believe that it is also a very difficult question. Because just as I am sure there have been times when I have actually used my mental health issues as an excuse to not attempt or face something which I could have done or faced.  There have also been numerous times when I have attempted or faced stuff which I really should not have.

And that is one of the problems with mental illness and poor mental health.  Some things can be a veritable minefield one day and a chance for personal victory another day.   And knowing which is which can be very difficult.  And sometimes we face things believing we are up to the challenge and within a few moments of having done so realise that it really was too much and we really should have avoided it.

And that is also the challenge for those who love us and support us through this.  Because if we can’t always know (or tell) the difference, how then can we blame them when they can’t tell either?

But here’s the deal, and there really isn’t any way around this one…

How do we know that Ostriches don’t bury their head in the sand to avoid danger?  Because doing so for any prolonged period of time would kill them as they wouldn’t be able to breathe. And the same – metaphorically speaking – is the same for us.  We cannot – if we actually want to live, if we actually want to grow and to have any quality of life – afford to bury our heads in the sand.

Yes, we need to watch and to learn and to identify what are potential minefields for us.  But we need to do so knowing that minefields are always impenetrable, some can be negotiated with the right approach and with the right care, guidance and support.

The Road To Recovery – Demoralisation or Hope?

Tags

Faith, hope, Mental Health, Mental Illness, recovery

The ‘road to recovery’ is, I think, a very strange road.  And it is also, in my experience, a road leading from a very strange places (or places).  But I do, of course, also accept that it is also a road which is very personal and can be so very different for each and every person who needs to walk it.

For some it is a road trodden perhaps only once or even only a few times.  Perhaps that need arises as a result of a single event or circumstance, and one which will never be repeated in their life.  Hence there is no real need for them to return to it – to walk, (crawl, stumble, fall, repeatedly pick themselves up) again.  For example, if a person breaks their leg, their ‘road to recovery’ (in this example) may be defined as working towards a point where their bones have mended and they can walk properly again.

But for others (especially in terms of mental health), that ‘road to recovery’ can be one which we regularly have to enter. For some, the ‘road to recovery’, is not one which stems from one single event or circumstance – one single place – but from a myriad of different events or places.  And let’s be honest here, sometimes – for some of us – it isn’t a road leading to a place which is ideal but simply to a place which is more tolerable or more acceptable.

And that is one of the things about ‘recovery’ isn’t it?  Very often it isn’t concrete or absolute.  The truth is that each of us understands and defines ‘recovery’ differently, personally.  And perhaps that is because each of us understands and defines our mental health differently and personally.  And indeed for some it may seem as if they have spent most of their life camped out on that ‘road to recovery’.

And that can get so very tiring and demoralizing can’t it? Not only for those of us who repeatedly have to return to it, but also for those who love us and who have to witness us doing so.

And yet a lot of it is about perspective isn’t it?  Yes, having to repeatedly return to the ‘road to recovery’ can be very demoralizing but the very fact that we have returned to it means that we have – at least – left the place we were in.  That we have – at least – come through our latest episode.

For me personally that is where I am as I sit and write this post this morning.   And in that one recognition there is hope to be found.  Hope which, I have to be honest, I didn’t have when I was in that dark place before.  Hope that I didn’t think I would ever have again whilst I was in that place before.

And that is what seems, I think, so very important.  You see in the darkness, in the confusion, in the hopelessness which often accompanies and signifies the episodes that I experience as a result of my mental health I seem to have little to no control and thus little to no choice when it comes to seeing and grasping hold of any hope.  My mind – or at least the mental illness – increasingly takes over, pulling a deep. dark, heavy blanket of confused nothingness over me.  And – depending on how quickly (or often how sneakily) it does so – I, and the battle, seem lost.

But this side of it all, I get to make the decisions. I get to have a say.  I get to make the choices.  And I refuse, whilst I have the strength and the mental where-with-all, to surrender that hope which is so very important to us all.

So yes I am on that road to recovery again and yes I still walk it with hope.  Yes, I may need to walk some of it on my knees, and yes I may stumble and fall along the way.  But I know which way I am heading and I know that I do not walk it alone.

I am so very blessed and so very grateful for those who have helped me back onto this road.  And I am so very blessed by and grateful for those who are willing to walk, if only in part, this road with me or to encourage me along it.

How long I need to be on it, indeed where it will take me – this side of eternity – I just don’t know. But I am so thankful to be on it once more and I am so thankful for my faith and that hope.

 

 

 

What If You Were To Dress Your Thoughts?

Tags

Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Somewhere in the wee small hours of the night (more like very early morning really). Within the troubled yoyoing of being asleep and being awake which played with me all night last night, a  questioned formed within my mind and then simply sat there defiantly until I paid it some attention.

My thoughts often do that – not leaving me until I have at least acknowledged them and walked a little, down what ever path they seek to take me.

And this one came in the form of a question which simply would not, has not gone.  That question (as the title of this post would suggest) was, “What if you were to dress your thoughts?”

I seem to remember that when I was a child my older sister had paper dress up games.  She would have a figure – which would be a push-out or cut out piece of cardboard and some pictures of different clothing – complete with fold over tabs – and she could use each clothing to make different outfits for the cardboard figure.

And when I first decided to actually give some sort of attention to the defiant question in my mind that is what I first thought of.

Of course I then lay there – awaiting the next sporadic visit of sleep – wondering just what I would ever want to dress my thoughts for?  (Did I mention that my thoughts often desire for me to acknowledge them and walk a little, down what ever path they seek to take me?)

“Not all your thoughts.” I determined, somewhere along the line.  “Just the repetitive, recurring, harmful thoughts.”  And certainly that made a little more sense to me. Because perhaps in the process of doing so it would reveal something to me?

We all have those internal dialogues don ‘t we?  Those recurring thoughts that somehow wont go away?  And is it not true that for some of us – with poor mental health – these harmful repetitive recurring thoughts play into and impact our mental health?

So what if we were to dress them?  What if we were to take each of them, in turn, and to find; an outfit, a clothing, an identity, which suited them?

For me personally, so many of my internal dialogues are – due to my mental illnesses – mixed up with the seemingly external dialogues that I hear.  But there are some which are evidently internal in origin and which are recurring and repetitive and which evidently do cause harm to my mental health.  Indeed, I have to ask myself – since my mind was so insistent that I considered this whole thing – if clothing them would bring them some clarity?

So what if I were to ‘dress’ them?  What if I were to find an outfit which suited them? Could finding an outfit which seemed right for them (Individually I mean) actually help me to identify where they originated?  And indeed, if I knew where they originated from, would I be better equipped to address them?  To dismiss them if they were unjust or unfair or to learn from them if they were justified?

I have to be honest with you.  The way my mind is at the moment I am not sure I am even thinking rationally but it is something that does interest me.

As a Christian I am  particularly mindful of the scripture in  2 Corinthians 10:5 which basically tells us to “Take captive every thought” and yes I am paraphrasing there.

But it is a real encouragement given to all Christians and one which does link directly into what I have been considering.

Perhaps in dressing the thought I am giving the thought the identity of it’s origin and thus can see it more clearly and can therefore take it ‘captive’.

Certainly the very idea of taking all the thoughts, internal and external dialogues, etc captive and stopping their free run of havoc within my mind seems so very appealing right now.

And who knows perhaps I, and my mind would even be able to get some sleep!

Isolation – Preservation or Prison?

Tags

Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Schizophrenia

I want (initially) to share three images with you.

[Not including the trigger warning triangle (left) I have just used to notify you the reader that this post may contain difficult subject matter for some]

All three images are quotation based and on the same subject.  That subject being ‘Isolation’.

Why three images? And why isolation?

Well I have chosen three images as they give differing perspectives on ‘isolation’  and I have chosen isolation as I know that I am isolating at the moment.

But also, and mainly, in the hope that others who are experiencing these things will know that they are not alone and that there is hope. 

This first quote is by the French novelist, poet and playwright Jules Verne and you can certainly see how he feels isolation not to be a good thing at all.

The source of this next quote is unknown…

And whilst agreeing that isolation is not a good thing, the author (whomever that may be) has quite cleverly directly linked the subject to illness and wellness. And certainly you can see where he or she is coming from and what message he or she is trying to convey.

The third of my initial three images – the third quote – that I want to share with you also has no specific source linked to it.  Likewise, it also seeks (in my opinion) to see isolation as a negative.  But also not only to recognise the effect of isolation, to also offer some hope from it.

But what if the isolation is not inflicted upon you but is instead chosen by you?  Chosen – if you will – because it seemingly provides some safety some security.?

And what if, even in ‘social’ isolation there is – because of the ever present voices and the internal dialogues – no real isolation, no real safety, no real security?  Only – or so the mind tells you – less danger?

And indeed, how do you get others to understand that?

I found this image – which is designed for use in the anti-bullying campaign – and it really does convey something essential.  Something that we all need to be mindful of.

As a parent, I have always been mindful of the effects of bullying.  The effects of other people’s harmful and critical words on my children.

My son, was bullied at school by one of his teachers and it impacted him so very deeply that it completely changed his personality and outlook on life, for quite some time.

And I cannot begin to express just how much this saddened me and even angered me.  And I am not someone who angers that easily.  Thankfully we manage to put an end to it and my son was able to slowly but surely recover from it.

Bullies seek to inflict their poison, their hatred, their anger, even their own hurts and pain – on their victims.  To invade and impact their victim’s life in a negative and harmful way.  So much so that you seek to do all you can to avoid them.

 

But what if the bully (or the bullies) are not external but internal?  What if they are not outside your head but inside your head?  What then?  What if they are the voices (which admittedly do appear external) and the internal dialogues that you just can’t silence?  Because, trust me, for some of us that is exactly how it is.

And yes – since this post is about isolation – I can completely understand the logical and natural question, “Then if it is inside your head how will isolating from others help?”

Well it is because mental illness can do that.  In my case, the voices – the internal and seemingly external dialogues – twist and turn, manipulate and corrupt, so much of what happens or what is said.

If words can be a weapon, my mental illness is the one holding that weapon, and thus   ‘words’ (as well as actions) are ammunition to my mental illness. So by isolating I remove so much of the fresh ammunition available and all my mental illness has available to use as a weapon is conjecture and suggestion and memory.  Albeit that all of those are also twisted and manipulated in their use.

And, in the interest of honesty, I should also admit that just as my son’s personality changed when he was bullied, I am also very much aware that my personality, my behaviours, change as my mental health declines.  And I don’t like the results of this or the potential for harm that it can bring with it.

And that therefore, leads to the tendency, the compulsion to isolate.  And it is a compulsion that I dislike and know is also unhealthy and yet find so hard to fight.  For the truth – and without truth there is no true healing – is that in isolation there is little healing only darkness and amidst social interactions, whilst yes there is ammunition for the bullying voices and dialogues, there is also ammunition to be found to fire back at the voices.  Evidences of acceptance, of purpose, of worth, of hope.  Evidences that lay amongst the spent shell casings of snipes and jeers, ridicules and threats my mind has already fired at me.

And yet finding them within the battlefield of my mind, picking them up within the mental Mêlée of madness  that sometimes takes over can be so very difficult.  So you seek to reduce the onslaught, to lower the level of attacks or potential attacks, to cut-off the enemy’s (your mind’s) ammunition source.  To find, a quieter, more stable battlefield.  But the alternative always offers darkness, a world of internal sniper-shots.

And also, potentially (and yes I recognise this) a world of self-destruction.

Will I self-destruct?  No I really don’t think so.  Thankfully I still have some strength and thankfully a very strong faith.   And thankfully I am aware that Isolation can be as much a prison – death row – to some as it can be preservation to others.

And so I fight on.  prayerfully, carefully, I fight on.  This is nothing new and nothing that will defeat me.  There is hope. I know that there is hope.  And thankfully there are folk in my life who are watching out for me.  As long as I let them.  Something which I have never been very good at doing.

No matter how hard the fight.  No matter how great the battle.  No matter how strong the apparent need or compulsion to isolate, I need to try not to.  To at least keep some communication – real face to face – communication and interaction going.  And I urge others, who are in a similar situation, to do the same thing.

If you are feeling like me at this time, or ever, if nothing else, please please feel free comment or to contact me.  You really are not alone, no matter how alone you feel or alone you feel you need to be.

 

 

 

An Ocean of Happiness I Cannot Baptise Myself In.

Tags

Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Poetry

Do you like the title of this post?  I hope you do or that, if nothing else, it has pricked your interest enough for you to read on.  But I want to make it very clear from the ‘get go’ that it is not one of my lines or a statement of my own construction.  (Although it could very well be.)

It is instead a line from a ‘button poem’ written by Sabrina Benaim and you can ( and I truly hope you will) view her reciting this poem in the YouTube video below.

I sat at my desk this morning just flicking through my Facebook page and came across a video about a homeless man who was given money to buy himself stuff but who then, instead of simply keeping it, used that money to buy food for others.  (You have probably already see it as I believe it went viral and got a lot of media attention.)

Anyway, once that video had finished, I noticed another one which caught my eye – the Sabrina Benaim one entitled ‘Explaining My Depression To My Mother’ and I decided to click on and watch that.

I love all things ‘arty’ and write poetry myself and since the subject matter was mental health/mental illness it was of course of great interest to me.  And I am so glad that I did watch it and I am delighted to be able to share it with you now.

Depression – the subject of the poem (and that which Sabrina was trying to explain to her mother) – hits those of us who experience it or duffer from it in different ways.   And trust me, although I am a Christian with a very strong faith, I know only too well just what havoc it (and indeed other forms of mental illness) can reek in a person’s life.

I also know, first-hand, just how confusing it’s presence (in a believer’s life) can be to other Christians.  And indeed the conversation which Sabrina has formed into her poem is not unique.  And it is perhaps because of my faith that that one line – which I have used as the title of this blog – leapt out at me and resonated with me so clearly.

Of course, my mind – which all too often behaves like a four year old being set free and unsupervised in a candy store (sweet shop), running all over the place grabbing and unwrapping and devouring things – has already started to take me down a whole plethora of different thought processes and deliberations as a result of the poem and indeed as a result of that one line.

But that (exploring those thought processes and trying to bring my mind back into line) is something I will attend to once I have finished this post.  But to give you some idea of said thought processes here are just a few of them:

“Can one baptise one’s self?” “Does such an ‘ocean of happiness’ even exist?”  “Is faith meant to give us happiness?”   “Is ‘happiness’ even the right word or is it ‘joy’ that we need?” “And indeed what are the differences?” “And hey, even with that ‘joy’ do we experience, are we meant to experience, oceans of happiness?”  “Does anyone truly experience oceans of happiness?”

Of course all of those (and trust me there are many more) are linked to my faith and not the purpose or focus of Sabrina’s poem.  But isn’t that how our minds work?  Often taking things – the actions and statements of others and making them, shaping them, filtering and receiving them, in a way which is personal to us?

So I close this post (and wander off to my mental journey of deliberations and reflections) with the video of Sabrina reciting her poem (And I commend and thank Sabrina for her bravery in making and publishing it, or allowing it to be published) and I invite you to comment on what it said, how it spoke, to you…

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Seventeen

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Day 17: If you could get rid of your mental illness(es) would you?  Why or why not?

I have considered this question on numerous occasions.  I think many of us haven’t we?

And indeed I am sure that I have written about it before as well.   And I realize that at this point I really should place a link to that previous post on this subject.  But actually, I have decided – just out of purely personal curiosity – not to read that previous answer before I answer it this time.

I just thin k it would be interesting (well to me at least) to see if my answer now differs from the answer that I gave then in any way.  But I promise I will search for that previous answer and post a link to it at the end of this post.

If I could get rid of my mental illnesses, would I?

In truth so very much of me wants to shout YES!  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!  The reality is that having recently gone through a particularly bad episode with my mental health, I came out of it only to find that a day or so later my mental health started declining again and that I was entering into yet another episode.

I don’t know about you, but that happens with me sometimes.  It seems to all be linked to the level of damage done during that bad episode.  If I come out of it and very little damage was done during that episode then I can cope and recovery starts.  But if I come out of it and a lot of damage was done then I (or rather my mental health) simply goes back down hill again.  And that can be so very tiring and so very demoralizing.  So yes, so very much of me wants to shout yes!  I would get rid of my mental illnesses.

And yet there is another part of me which shouts no! No I wouldn’t.  And the really weird thing is that this is the larger part when it comes to this question.

That having been said I think in some ways how I view my mental illnesses is like how I viewed hitchhiking.  (And yes I did my fair share of hitchhiking when I was younger.)  And when I did do it I had a love hate relationship with it.  Whilst it was sunny and warm or I was sat in someone’s nice car or the cab of their lorry, chatting away and being totally free to go wherever I pleased, I simply loved it.  But when it was cold and wet and the rain was pouring down and I was stuck on the side of the road or motorway slip-road I absolutely hated it.

Yes, in some ways I view my mental health in the same way.  When my mental health is reasonably good – when I am going through better episodes – I can see some benefits from it.  But when I am going through bad episodes or have just come out of bad episodes I hate it.

But there is another reason why I would have to say no, I wouldn’t get rid of my mental illnesses and that reason is linked to my faith.

Why I would not get rid of my mental illnesses.

Those of you who know me well, or are regular readers will know that I am a Christian.  And whilst I try very hard not to bang on about my faith, and to keep this blog specifically focused on Mental Health issues.  My faith is a very real part of me and is core to who I am.  It is therefore impossible for me to answer this question without mentioning my faith.

An essential part of that faith is to trust in Christ in all things.  I have given my life to Christ and I do my best to do that – to trust in Him.  Yes I sometimes fail.  But, wherever possible, I do try to trust in Him in all things.  Including in my Mental Illnesses and with my Mental Health.

And that can be so very difficult at times, can’t it?  Especially (for me personally) when my mental illnesses seem to take over and my mental health deteriorates.

Not only because of the trials that I (and many others like me) face during these times.  But because the very illness itself often leads to an inability to focus well enough to pray.  Or well enough to read my bible.  Or even well enough to benefit from listening to my much loved praise and worship music.

Additionally, and so very importantly, because part of my mental illnesses is depression and that depression itself seems to creep up on me, and envelope me and to rob me of any and all sense of hope.

But He, and those who love me – including my brothers and sisters in Christ – has brought me through my mental illnesses this far and I trust that He will continue to do so.

Have I prayed over my mental illnesses, or received prayers from others over it?  Yes, most certainly.  And in those prayers I have always sought God’s will for my mental health.  And that is the key phrase here.  Seeking God’s will.

If God is to be sovereign in my life, then He must be sovereign over my wellness and also over my sicknesses.  If it is His will to remove my mental illnesses then, trust me, I would be delighted. But if, for some reason, He chooses not to remove my mental illnesses then I have to yield to that decision and to trust Him in that.

Now I know, first hand and as a result of countless conversations, that some Christian believe that we only have to ask God for healing and that He will always  immediately heal us.  Personally I do not subscribe to that belief and personally I believe such a believe to be un-scriptural.  Do I believe God gives healing – absolutely I do.  But do I believe it is always instant – absolutely not.  And again, I have written on this before as well.

And in that post I remember sharing a video which I found to be very inspirational and so I am going to share that again here.

 

If I could get rid of my mental illness(es) would I?

In truth, I leave that question very much up to my God.

Of course I would be glad to lose all the negatives and trials resultant from it.  I am only human after all.  But there are positives in my life which, as far as I know, could be directly linked to my mental illnesses and I would not want to lose them.  And additionally I have to be aware that God may have a purpose in all this – I just don’t know for sure.

But I do know one thing for sure…  If, it is God’s will not to remove my mental illnesses this side of heaven, then I would rather experience a lifetime of mental illness and remain within the will God then spend one minute free from mental illnesses and be outside of His will.

(Oh yes, I promised to post a link to my previous answer to this question, didn’t I?  You can find that post here.)

 

 

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Sixteen

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships

Day 16: How many people are you “out” to with your mental illness(es)? Why?

Being ‘out’ about my metal illnesses…

The short and simple answer to today’s question is, for me, that I am ‘out’ with my mental illnesses to most  people.

That is not to say that everyone who knows me knows that I suffer from mental illness or poor mental health.  But it is – I think – true to say that most of them do.

As for why this is the case, well that comes from a number of different reasons…

Why am I ‘out’ about my mental illnesses?

Firstly, having spent the majority of my life hiding or trying to conceal my mental illnesses I reached a point in my life (in 1999 when I suffered a complete mental and physical breakdown) where I could hide them no longer.

And so, as a result of this, my family and associates became very much aware of my mental health issues.

And whilst this was a particularly difficult time for both myself and my family, it was (once I had started my recovery) both a huge relief and a huge release and did also mean that I could finally get some proper help with it.

No more could I hide my mental illnesses from my family and associates and no more could I hide it in my professional life or ministry.  In fact, as a result of those breakdowns, I was no longer able to work and was medically retired and placed on long-term disability.

Which brings me to the second reason why I am ‘out’ concerning my mental illnesses to most people…

Secondly, having spent so much time and effort trying to hide my mental illnesses (and/or trying to explain away or limit any damage done as a result of it)  and now being finally free of this burden, I simply didn’t want to go back there.

The truth is that I could finally get the help that I needed and I knew – if I was going to have any chance of repairing some of the damage done to my family as a result of my mental illnesses – and indeed limit the potential for further damage I needed to face what had been and was going on with me and to get the help I had desperately needed for so long.

And finally, or thirdly, another reason why I am out to ‘most’ people concerning my mental illnesses is in fact this and other mental health related blogs which I write.

In my attempt to recover from my breakdowns (1999) I started writing out what I was going through or had gone through.  It was a way of my trying to make sense of it all.  My way of processing it all.  Something else which I had, I thought out of necessity, often avoided in the past.

From this – and knowing the isolation that I had always experienced in my mental illness and realizing just how damaging that had been – I wanted to share what I had experienced and to somehow let others know that they are not alone and indeed didn’t have to be alone.

So I started this blog (and then other blogs).  But when I started this blog I was faced with a choice and a very real decision to make.  Did I write anonymously, as other bloggers who write about their mental illness seem to do?  Or do I write openly under my own name?

And that is a decision many bloggers have to make.

Trust me, having hidden my mental illnesses for so long I truly understood the necessity for some bloggers to write anonymously.  But since my breakdowns (when everything came to light in a very real and unavoidable way)  and since I was no longer working and thus had very few reasons to hide my mental illnesses any more, there was no longer a need for a mask of anonymity.  My mask had very clearly been removed.

And whilst this very much left me feeling (in many ways) both naked and vulnerable.  It did also bring with it a great deal of freedom.

So yes, I am ‘out’ about my mental illnesses to most people.  This blog is a matter of public record and is in the public domain and is linked to, and often contains, not only to my real name but also my real face.

Additionally it is linked to both my twitter account and to my Facebook account.  So that whenever I post on here it appears on both of those also.  And in this way, there is no longer any hiding.

The results of being ‘out’ about my mental illnesses…

In truth, (and from what I can tell from comments family and others have made) those who want to know more about my mental illnesses or my mental health read my blog posts and some ask me about them or comment on them.  Doing so either on here, on Facebook, in email, or by private messages or in person.

I actively encourage these questions and comments as in the dialogue that follows not only do I feel that I learn and benefit but that others also seem to learn and benefit.  And those comments and questions also often challenge my perspectives.

And here, I think I would like to close by including one last topic into the mix.

The challenges of being ‘out’ about my mental health…

But being ‘out’ about my mental health isn’t always a bed of roses and it does indeed have it’s associated challenges.  Mental Illness and indeed Mental Health is still not fully understood or fully accepted by everyone.

In truth, it still carries with it a great deal of misconceptions, misunderstandings and even stigma.  Mental Illness unsettles some people. Challenges other people. Confuses a lot of people and threatens yet other people.

One example of this, which is directly applicable to my own experience, is in respect of the church and the Christian community.

I am a Christian and have been a Christian for a good many years.  I am a member of an extremely loving and compassionate and caring and Christ-centered church.  And trust me, I am so blessed to be a part of them.

But even in this loving, compassionate, caring and Christ-centered community of believers I still meet folk for whom my mental illnesses bring confusion.  Folk who are unsettled by my being a Christian with mental illnesses. Folk for whom the presence of my mental illnesses seems to threaten their understanding of faith.

And trust me, as sad as I find it to be, I do – at least in part – understand this.  And it is one of the reasons why I ‘out’ and why I actively encourage; objective, loving and sensitive discussion and dialogue concerning my mental illnesses.

When asked about my faith and my mental illnesses here is the reply I often give…

My mental illnesses do not limit either my faith or my Christ, only (at times) my ability to enjoy or fully experience my faith and my Christ.  But here’s another equally important question for you.  Does your attitude towards my mental illnesses limit your faith and your experience of Christ?

If you want to know more about my mental illnesses and/or my faith all you have to do is ask. I would love for you to do so.

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Fifteen

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Challenges, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Rejection, Relationships

Day 15: How has your life been effected by your illness(es)? (Some ideas are: relationships, career, school)

Introduction and apology…

This for me is a very interesting question and one which I have, in the past, often considered and indeed written about.

But in the past, when writing about this (or about directly related subjects), I have also been a little reticent about what – or how much – I shared.

But I find myself asking the question, “if my answering this question is to have any value at all (and I am very keen that is does), does it not require me to be both very open and very honest?”

Don’t get me wrong.  Being open and honest is something which I have always tried to be within this blog.  But it has, to a large degree, always been filtered through a desire not to cause discomfort or distress to my family and/or to those I know.

And as a result of this self-imposed ‘filter’ there have therefore often been times when I have been a little restrictive in the type and level of some of the information that I have shared.  Likewise I have been cautious in how I have worded some of the information that I have previously shared.

But the fact remains that today’s question is a part of a challenge.  A challenge specifically aimed at increasing awareness when it comes to mental illness.  And it is a challenge (and a question) which is a very important one.

I am so very mindful that others may be going through (or have gone through) what I go through (and have gone through). And, through this post, I do so very much want to reach out and say, “You are not alone.”

I am so very mindful that others may have family members and loved ones who present similar behaviors or thought patterns and who ask themselves, “how can this be?” And I so want to reach out to you and say’ “As inexplicable as it is, for some of us, it can be and is.  Don’t despair and don’t look to blame.  Just try to understand and try to reach beyond what is experienced.”

I am so very mindful that others may have family members and loved ones who present similar behaviors or thought patterns. Others who regularly ask themselves, “How can this be?” And I so want to reach out to you and say’ “As inexplicable as it is, for some of us, it can be and is.  Don’t despair and don’t look to blame.  Just try to understand and try to reach beyond what is experienced.”

Ungrounded Relationships – An inability to fully connect…

As I have mentioned before, I have experienced mental illness or poor mental health for most of my life.  Or for at least as long as I can remember.

Certainly, I became aware – as a child – that the way I felt, the way I thought, the way I processed and perceived things ( including the presence of internal [and seemingly external] dialogues that I experienced) appeared different to my siblings and to my peers.

But I grew up in a time when mental illness was not as understood or tolerated (I just can’t bring myself to say accepted) as it is today.  Likewise we (society) were not, in my opinion, as aware of mental illness as we are today.  And, looking back, I can see how (as a result of this lack of awareness, understanding or tolerance) not only did I hide much of what was going on inside my head, but also how much of the behavior – resulting from what was going on inside my head – was not even considered in the context of mental health. And was instead, purely seen as ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ or ‘inappropriate behavior’.  (And so consequently it was dealt with as such).

But please understand the setting and indeed the context in which I share what I share.  I cannot – in all honesty – claim that I came from a bad family or dysfunctional family by the standards of the time. Nor can I (or will I) say, by those same standards, that either of my parents were abusive.  In truth my parents generally reacted just as any other parent of that time.  And to all intents and purposes anyone looking in would see my family as a ‘normal’ and even a’ close-knit’ family group.

Likewise, I was not ( and was not labeled as) the proverbial ‘problem child’ – acting up or bullying or being nasty or anything.  No. I was just simply ‘different’.  I saw myself as being ‘different’.  I understood myself as being ‘different’ (although I didn’t really understand why).  And I seemed to be somehow seen and in some ways treated as being ‘different’.

And this, I am convinced, had some very real and very damaging consequences.

In truth, I simply didn’t feel ‘grounded’ or that I ‘fitted in’.  And more importantly I never that I ‘belonged’.

In fact, even as a child, I would often sit within my family home – surrounded by my parents and siblings – and look upon them as the family unit which they were, but as a family unit which I was not really part of.

Even now I look back at such pictures of my family as the one above. Which has (back row) my father, my grandmother, my mother (holding my little brother), and my grandfather.  Then (front row) my sister and my older brother, and then me at the end.  And as much as I try I cannot truly fully see myself as part of that ‘family’ picture.  Even though I am clearly in it.

As irrational as this might sound (especially to my family) and as hard as it might be for some folk to understand.  I have never truly fully felt a part of my family.

And yes, I freely accept that it is irrational.  (I mean, rationally, you only have to look at pictures – such as this one on the left – to see that I obviously was part of and belonged in my family.)  But somehow – in my head [and thus my heart] this just wasn’t so.

In truth the irrational became (or was) the reality that I knew and which replaced (in me) the reality everybody else knew.

And I know, from observing and yes analyzing, my siblings’ relationships with my parents, that this had a direct and damaging impact on my own relationship with my parents and especially my father.

My; fear of, unwillingness to, and even inability to express, or admit, or communicate that which was going on in my head.  Coupled with the lack of understanding of mental illness at that time and indeed a mistrust and unhealthy attitude towards it.  Left my parents – and especially my father  – in a position where my behavior was only seen as rebellion or simply my being bad.  And in my father’s eyes especially, that was not to be tolerated and definitely something to be ‘disciplined’ out of a child.

The cold, hard fact remains that this disconnect, this inability to fully connect, had a direct impact on my relationships and indeed my grounding as a child.  And I know, without any doubt, from conversations and correspondence with my parents, that this placed them in such a difficult position and indeed cause them just as much hurt as it caused me.

And the truth is that this continued throughout my life and on into other relationships.

As a youth and as a young adult, so many of the things that I did, so many of the decisions that I made (and which impacted on my family and especially on my parents) were as a direct result of my mental illness.  It was either my trying to manage it, cope with it, reduce it’s potential to do damage, or to simply continue keeping it hidden.

But of course only I knew that.  And so only I saw the reasons or understood the logic or the thought processes behind them.  So what to me was a necessary and logical and understandable action or decision, was far from necessary, far from logical, and far from understandable to my parents or my family.  And that therefore resulted in a great deal of concern, confusion and even hurt felt by them.

But we get older don’t we?  Our involvement with, our dependence on, and our need for (or acceptance of) guidance from our parents, lessens.  And our growing independent becomes more acceptable and increases.  Just as the expectation for us to develop other relationships and start our own families does.

The desire and need for our own relationships…

There is, (or at least there was at the time of my young adulthood) a process which was commonly followed. Children grew up, started their own relationships outside the family, fell in love, got married and had their own children. It was how things were commonly done.  It was an expectation placed upon us and indeed an expectation which grew within us.

There is, I think, an intrinsic need, a desire, within most of us to be loved.  And even (perhaps especially) where you have struggle throughout your childhood and youth to belong, to fit in, to feel accepted, to feel loved this need, this desire continues.

And perhaps (or so your mind reflects – or at least mine did) – this time, now that you are choosing and forming the relationships, it will be different.

But desire doesn’t always equate to or result in success, does it?  And where the inability to fully connect is somehow inbuilt within you (or where the ability to fully connect has been somehow robbed from you) nothing actually changes.  Especially where you are still trying so hard to hide your mental illnesses or at very least so frightened of revealing or discussing them.

And so history repeats itself.  Or at least it did in my case.

Relationships which I formed and which I so wanted to be ‘normal’, to be ‘full’, to be ‘mutually intimate’ presented the same block, the same disconnect, the same fracturing.

Is it because you are (in part at lest) still living a lie?  Yes, maybe that is a part of it.  But trust me, in my experience it goes so very much beyond that.  It goes so very much deeper than that.

Even when I got married, and even when the most wonderful and awesome thing happened, the birth of our son, this blockage, this inability to fully connect was still there.

I cannot begin to tell you the amount of times I came home from work and would stop outside my house and look in through the window.  Look in at my wife and son playing together or interacting with each other.  I cannot tell you how many times I would see that picture and know deep down inside that I simply did not ‘fit into it’ or ‘belong’ as a part of it.

And so in many ways, whilst I personally could never fully justify my wife leaving me, or indeed the way that she did it, and whilst I would never have done the same thing to her, I can at least understand it.  And it comes as little wonder to me that our marriage broke down.

But can we reach out beyond the reality which we know or with which we are presented?

The question set today asked: “How has your life been effected by your illness(es)?” And it offered some suggestions. “(Some ideas are: relationships, career, school)”

In my answer I have chosen to focus on one very real, very personal and (in my opinion) important aspect of how my mental illnesses have effected my life. – That of relationships.  And I have done so because (in my opinion) this is an aspect which often fails to be discussed and an aspect which (in my experience) went throughout my childhood, my youth, and my adulthood and which still exists within me today.  And it is an aspect which can impact so much of a person’s life – home, family, school, career, church.

Do I have personal relationships?  Yes, I have a few.  But I have to tell you that they really are few and far between.

Do I have intimate personal relationships, close personal relationships?  Yes, but even fewer, if truth be told.  And I am convinced that these exist more as a result of the grace and compassion and character of those I am close to than they are as a result of me.

Almost at the very beginning of this post I made two statements concerning the motivations behind what UI knew would be such an open post…

“I am so very mindful that others may be going through (or have gone through) what I go through (and have gone through). And, through this post, I do so very much want to reach out and say, “You are not alone.”

And…

“I am so very mindful that others may have family members and loved ones who present similar behaviors or thought patterns. Others who regularly ask themselves, “How can this be?” And I so want to reach out to you and say’ “As inexplicable as it is, for some of us, it can be and is.  Don’t despair and don’t look to blame.  Just try to understand and try to reach beyond what is experienced.”

I want to end this post there – having repeated those words and to answer the question which entitled this the last section of this post.

“But can we reach out beyond the reality which we know or with which we are presented?“

I truly believe that the answer has to be – yes, we can.  Because the truth is that we have to.

 

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Fourteen

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness

Day 14: Have you ever experienced stigma?

I find myself in a slight state of surprise as a result of considering this question.  And indeed it is entirely possible that you the reader – should you read this post all the way through – might just also be surprised by my answer to it.

There is of course my initial reaction to the question.  Which is that although this is a ‘Mental Illness Awareness’ challenge, the question itself is fairly open.  “Have you ever experienced stigma?”

The open nature of the question does therefore invite a wider possible range of answers. It can also include stigma not relating to [or specific to] mental illness.

Stigma that I experienced but not specific to my Mental Illness…

And as a man who is extremely overweight I have to tell you that I have personally been the target of a heck of a lot of stigma.  Of hurtful name-calling, and unhealthy and hurtful labeling or attitudes purely as a result of my weight.

I have certainly experienced names such as; ‘Fatso’, ‘Fat Freak’, ‘Lard-*rse’, ‘Elephant Man’, ‘Blubber guts’, ‘Wide load’ or ‘Hippo’ being targeted my way.  Along with countless situations where the apparent name-calling and/or negative comments have been too quiet or inaudible (as a result of my being too far away) but where the resultant pointing and laughing has usually given away their presence.

And whilst this is a Mental Illness Awareness challenge I think the inclusion of that – weight-specific – stigma is important as it does open up a very real consideration.

People often respond to that which they see.  And they do so according to the experiences or attitudes that they have.  And what they see does not have to be long-term, frequent or continuous.  For example, we know that with children a single event – such as a child inadvertently wetting his or herself – can cause a name (and a certain amount of resultant stigma) to be attached to that child for a very long time to come.

In terms of what people see in me, my mental health is not always either apparent or the main focus of someone’s attention.  In respect of my mental illnesses I present (as I have written before in other questions within this challenge and in other blog posts) – and generally speaking – as what they call ‘high functioning’.

Other than at times when my mental health deteriorates to such a degree where I am unable to cope with it, too all intents and purposes I generally do not come across as suffering from a mental illness or poor mental health.  But I promise you that hiding my obvious extreme obesity is much harder.  And so a great deal of stigma that I have experienced has been in respect of that.

Stigma that I experienced which is specific to my Mental Illness…

In the spirit of objectivity, I do feel that it is a fair and accurate statement to say that the fact that some people often immediately focus on my weight has to some degree or another reduces the level of stigma which I could (possibly) have experienced as a result of my mental illnesses.

Likewise, as I said above, the fact that I generally present as what they term ‘high-functioning’ means that my mental illness is often concealed.  And then of course there is the isolation factor.

Although I am going out a lot more than I have before I do still spend a great deal of time alone and thus the potential for me to experience stigma is greatly reduce.

That having been said, I have an occasionally still do experience some stigma thrown at me by others, but not to any great or noteworthy level.

And it is here that I want to offer another consideration in respect of stigma and indeed to come to that ‘slight state of surprise’ that I mentioned at the start of this post.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines ‘stigma’ as follows…

A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person:

And in fact, if you look at the origin and history of the word, it comes from the word ‘stigme’ (c.1400) and was a “mark made on skin by burning with a hot iron.”  (Source: Online Etymology Dictionary)  It then also included tattooing or puncturing or cutting the skin.

For me, this definition and history invokes (given it’s social context) a very real picture of something which was inflicted on someone in order to set them apart or to identify them in a way which brings them some form of lack of worth, humiliation or disgrace.

Indeed my understanding is that historically it (burning a brand or placing a scar or tattoo on the the skin) in this context was done to; slaves, criminals or traitors in order to identify them as either a less worthy person, property of another, or a morally polluted person and someone who should therefore be avoided or shunned.

It often associates that person (or group of people) with unhelpful and unhealthy and often unjust stereotypes to which prejudices all to often result in negative attitudes, actions and discrimination.

That picture of stigma historically being something (a mark) which was inflicted on someone in order to set them apart or to identify them in a way which brings them some form of lack of worth, humiliation or disgrace.  Sent my mind off in an interesting direction…

I have, as some readers will know, struggled for some time with self-harming.

Thankfully – although I do still get the urges – I haven’t actually self-harmed for some time now.  But given the fact that I did (and still get the urges to) it interests me that I never (until now) considered the resultant marks or scars in respect of the subject of self-applied stigma.

Self-Applied Stigma…

The fact that stigma still exists in respect of mental illness and poor mental health is without argument.  You only have to search the internet or go on social media sites to see evidence of campaigns aimed at reducing and hopefully removing this from society.

As we have already seen, stigma can be defined as; ‘a mark, or label, or the targeting of attitudes which identify a person (or group of people) with disgrace and a lack of worth.‘  It ‘often associates that person (or group of people) with unhelpful and unhealthy and often unjust stereotypes to which prejudices all to often result in negative attitudes, actions and discrimination.‘

It is clearly wrong when it is done to us by others and we are clearly right to fight against it. But the question that has come to my mind is do we not sometimes apply stigma to ourselves?

Let’s look again at that definition – stigma can be defined as ‘a mark, or label, or the targeting of attitudes which identify a person (or group of people) with disgrace and a lack of worth.‘  It ‘often associates that person (or group of people) with unhelpful and unhealthy and often unjust stereotypes to which prejudices all to often result in negative attitudes, actions and discrimination.‘

Do we not sometimes do that to ourselves?  Are we not also sometimes guilty of self-applied stigma? Of targeting at ourselves those attitudes or labels and identify ourselves with a lack of worth or with disgrace?

Indeed as a someone who struggles with self-harming I have to ask myself “is this sometimes part of what I myself am doing when I self-harm?”

And that is a very tough question, isn’t it?  But for those who do not self-harm the question (and consideration) is, I think, still valid.  And as tough a question as it is, it is I think, worth asking.

 

 

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Thirteen

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Day 13: If you know the criteria of your illness(es) which ones do you think you meet? Or what are your most common symptoms?

There are a couple of difficulties with my answering this particular challenge properly.

These difficulties stem from…

a) a lack of specific knowledge (on my part) as to what criteria was actually used in making a diagnosis – I live in Ireland and so am not 100% sure the DSM was used. (Although I assume it was.) and,

b) the fact that I have a number of mental illnesses or conditions, and

c) the fact that whilst a main diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder was discussed it was not stated as an absolute.  I have, of course, written about this before and about the evident reluctance on behalf of psychiatrist (or so it seems from my own personal experience and from comments made by other Mental Health writers) to give a specific or absolute diagnosis.

But, working on the basis of this diagnosis and indeed the DSM’s criteria of that Mental Illness, it certainly (according to my personal experiences and my research on this, my main condition) seems to fit and I do fit the criteria given.

Which criteria do you think you meet and what are your main symptoms?

In my post in respect of day seven’s question in this challenge, I created a pdf file mapping the usual processes that often happen in respect of my mental health. and within that mapping chart I included the following symptomatology…

This is not, of course, an exclusive list and includes the main symptoms which present when my mental health declines.

Schizoaffective Disorder is (in the simplest of terms)…

in effect, a cross between a disturbance in thought and a disturbance in mood. Both symptom clusters (depressive/manic and schizophrenic) must exist at the same time (comorbid) to justify a diagnosis of this disorder.

(Source: Counselling Resource website’s Schizoaffective Disorder Symptoms page).
As can be seen from the above picture – detailing my most common (or main) symptoms – I fit within the criteria for this diagnosis.

In reality, as I am sure others with this diagnosis can relate, it can be very hard to explain the way in which this mental illness (or indeed combination of mental illnesses) presents itself or affects you.  Certainly, I know that I often have difficulty explaining or relating it to people.  And additionally the number or severity of symptoms presenting fluctuate according to how bad my mental health is at any one given time.

Generally speaking some of the main indicative symptoms are present all the time but their impact on me – and thus on my mental health – does vary.  And that is one of the things which I tried (although I am still not completely happy wit the results) to demonstrate in the aforementioned process mapping chart.

Another difficulty, which I personally experience, is that I am – generally speaking – considered to present as ‘high functioning’.  This is partly my own fault as I tend to isolate at times when my functioning abilities reduce drastically.

This tendency to isolate (which again seems to be present all of the time and which I actively have to fight) is due to my wish a) not to worry or concern anybody, b) not to offend anybody by inappropriate language or behavior, c) [and linked to b] to limit or reduce the potential for damage to relationships, and d) a hightened or increased status of a generally present state.

So there you have it.  My answer to Day Thirteen of the challenge.  Hopefully, (although I of course don’t want anyone else to go through this) others who have this or a similar mental illness(es) can understand and relate to what I have shared.

And hopefully, those who do not have mental illness(es) but who are reading this will be able to understand a little more – which, after all, is (I think) part of the purpose of my doing this challenge.

Either way, I am more than willing to discuss this (and anything that I write) with anyone who cares to comment or approach me about it. 🙂

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Twelve

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Challenges, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Day 12: What do you think about your diagnosis in general?  (Some ideas are: stereotypes, commonalities, misdiagnosis, over diagnosis)

I think I have – in other posts – already shared my opinion or concerns with regard to obtaining a diagnosis when it comes to mental health or mental illness – especially in this ‘litigation-minded’ world of ours.

But actually, when it comes to the whole question of obtaining a diagnosis (and especially a psychiatric diagnosis it seem) many, many moons ago, and far more than I am willing to admit to.  I came to the following conclusion…

Getting a diagnosis, except in situations where you have a specifically identifiable condition – such as a fracture or a rash etc, is more of a test than it is anything else.

It is (or [for the sake of fairness] can often be)…

a) a test of your patience and commitment to obtaining one.

b) a test of your (or your representative’s) understanding of your condition.

c) a test of your (or your representative’s) ability to communicate said understanding.

d) a test of the doctor or psychiatrist’s ability to accurately interpret and identify what you (or your representative) are telling them.

e) a test of their willingness to be objective and to ignore popular current trends.

f) a test of their willingness to come to a finite conclusion.

g) a test of whether they are willing to share that conclusion with you (or your representative).

And yes I know that this might seem a little cynical, but ask yourself this. “As cynical as it may sound, just how realistic does it also sound?”

Now, I share that with you in order to be open and honest about the personal mental framework in which I think about my own diagnoses in general.

But, the above having been said, I do find that I am generally satisfied with the accuracy of my diagnoses.  Having received the relevant labels – for, after all, isn’t that what a diagnosis really is? – my research on those conditions seems to confirm the diagnosis and so the labels seem to fit.

But labels can be either good things or bad things according to how you treat them and what you do with them, can’t they?

In truth, when it comes to mental health, correctly identifying and labeling an illness or condition should then accommodate or facilitate the correct treatment or management of said illness or condition which in turn should then lead to an improved or enhanced quality of life.

But is that always what happens?  Do we live in a world or society or culture where this is truly possible?

I have to be totally honest here and say that the answer, as far as I can make out, is sadly no, not really.

In a world where pharmaceutical companies seem to be more and more greedy and thus medication is becoming more and more expensive. In a world of; Medical Insurance controlled treatments, increasing populations, and consequently increasing demands placed on medical and mental health practitioners. Is it any wonder that all too often (or so it seems to me) the treatment of mental illness appears more and more crisis-avoidance based rather than about improving or enhancing the quality of life experienced by the patient?

I do, of course recognize that I cannot speak for everyone and indeed I do not have experience of what it is like in every country.  But as someone who suffers from mental illness and who actively writes and reads about Mental Health across the world, I do feel that my previous statement is true of a lot of people’s experiences.

You see, I truly believe that a diagnosis is or should be a means to an end, so to speak.

I think there is a very basic and very understandable process which goes on when it comes to the purpose of diagnoses.

Purpose of diagnoses

We experience symptoms – Symptoms which for us (and/or those who love us) are very real.  They are often very confusing, often disruptive, often very frightening, and which tell us (or our loved ones) that something is wrong.

As a result of this we need to understand them.  Why they are there.  Where they came from. What is happening to us.  What can be done about them.

Yes, we need to understand them.  We need to know what is behind them and how to treat or remove them so that we can properly deal with them and have a better quality of life.

Where that end is lost or changed, doesn’t the whole process become somewhat impotent?  Indeed, where that end becomes lost or changed doesn’t it also run the risk of becoming harmful?

And let me share a couple of examples of this…

Stigma and Stereotyping.

Yes I know that many people think that we bang on too much about stigma and stereotyping when it comes to mental illness or poor mental health.  But the truth is that we only do it because it is still very real and still very present.

Stigma and Stereotyping both result from the harmful application of a label with no consideration for the quality of life of the person to whom the label is being applied.

As human beings, as a society of human beings, we actively recognize and very often fight for the recognition that, whilst we can and often do indeed all share some commonalities, we are all unique.

But how willing or ready are we  to recognize that, whilst those commonalities are there and whilst there are indeed commonalities in the effects of mental illness or poor mental health, exactly how the mental illness or poor mental health effects each individual will in some ways be unique to that individual because that individual is (him or herself) unique?

Until we are able to see each unique individual person with mental illness or poor mental health as exactly that – a unique individual person – and to consider their personal quality of life, then we are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past and we will never cut out stigma or stereotyping.

Living the diagnosis.

And my second example of where the end of the aforementioned process of the ‘purpose of diagnosis’ has been lost or changed, is slightly more controversial and is in respect of those folk who seem to simply live the diagnosis that they have been given.

(I freely and openly accept that it is possible that my even including this section could place me at risk of being accused of being uncaring or judgmental.  But in the interest of objectivity and fairness I feel it is only right to include it.)

I am convinced – from personal experience – that there are some folk who, having received a diagnosis, seem to simply live that diagnosis rather than trying to fight the illness/condition or improve their quality of life – or the quality of life of those around them.

Of course, I do understand that for some, the condition or illness itself – including some mental illness – removes their ability to fight the condition or illness or to try to improve their quality of life.  But I am not speaking of such folk.  I am speaking of folk who have that ability but simply who have simply seemed, once they have received their diagnosis, to have accepted it and to live by it.

I have someone in my life – who I love and care for deeply – who struggled with poor mental health and who displayed several symptoms, but who tried to fight those symptoms and to have (and afford others) as good a quality of life as they could.  But the minute they received a diagnosis of the poor mental health – which was already there and which they had previously fought – the fight left and they simply accepted their diagnosis and (it would seem) gave into it and is to all intents and purposes simply living it out without any regard to how it affects their own (or anyone else’s) quality of life.

Once again the end of that process of the ‘purpose of diagnosis’ I mentioned above has been lost or changed.

I said before (above) that in many ways a diagnosis is a label.  And I made the statement that labels can be either a good thing or a bad thing.  (This is in fact something which I have written about before.)

But whether they are a  good thing or a bad thing is, I am convinced, (to a large degree) dependent on how we approach them or allow others to approach them.

My diagnoses are (as far as I am concerned)  just labels.  Labels which identify not who I am, but rather just some of the circumstances and conditions in which I am me.

I am, as it says in the photo, more than just what it says on the label and more (so much more) than just what I have been diagnosed with!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day 11

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Challenges, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Multiple Personality Disorder, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Day 11: What is the worst thing in regard to your mental illness(es)?

Yesterday’s challenge required me to write about the best thing with regard to my mental health.  Certainly, as I tried to illustrate through yesterday’s post, there are benefits or positives which could easily be associated to having my mental illnesses or more accurately my mental health.

But it is perhaps interesting that when it comes to writing about the worst thing in regard to my mental illness the list (in my head) seems so much longer and indeed finding the ‘worst’ just that little bit harder as a result of this.

And let’s be open and honest here.  So many of the associated; aspects, behaviors, effects, fall-outs, symptoms, and results of my having my mental illnesses are connected and interwoven, that it would be nearly impossible to pick just one without my own mind (or indeed you the reader) thinking well what about such and such?

Let’s see now which of the list – chaos, confusion, emptiness, paranoia, hopelessness, desperation, fear, terror, disconnection with reality, alternate realities, loss of reality, loss of time, loss of control, loss of memories, disconnected memories, distorted perceptions of time, disassociation, fixations, self-frustration, self-criticism, self-doubt, self-hatred, self-harming, sense of loss, sense of not belonging, lack of grounding, sense of not fitting in, helplessness, negative thoughts, jumbled thoughts, echoed thoughts, detached thoughts, repetitive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, distorted perceptions, – to name but a few, do I  choose?

And indeed, and hopefully others who experience mental illness or poor mental health will be able to relate to this question, “What stage of it all do I choose?”

Is it when it first begins (that is if it creeps up on you instead of being a sudden ambush) that time when you still have enough clarity of mind to realize that it is coming but are so far along that you can do next to nothing to stop it?

Is it when you are in the middle of it all and all those things (and all the others I haven’t listed) are upon you?  For whilst you might not know exactly what is happening – this is the time when most of the damage is done.

Is it when you are coming out of it all and you realize that you have been through an episode?  And at the same time remember the havoc previous episodes have brought in your life and are frightened of what you are going to find out?

Or is it when you are out of that episode and are facing all the damage that resulted from it but are not totally convinced you are yet fully aware of all the damage done?

Or is it, and yes I think this should also be in the list.  The not knowing what triggered that episode and the fear that actually it could happen again at anytime – that ticking time bomb experience?

And likewise, what do I choose?  The way all this effects me or the way all this effects those I love and who have to witness all this?  Because I have to tell you that, although I live alone and so thankfully the level of impact that this has on others is limited, I still so very much struggle with the worry and upset my mental health causes to others.

And on that note I have to tell you that whilst I dislike so very much the fact that these things happen at all, I am truly so very grateful for the fact that when it does happen – when those episodes come -, my mental illness is such that I implode rather than explode.

And trust me when I say that I dislike – with a passion – the implosions when they happen and indeed the extreme and intense sense of bullying pressure that I feel as they happen.  But it is at least, well in my eyes it is, the lesser of the two evils.

Which do I choose as the worst?  It really is proving to be such a difficult question.

And I haven’t even included all the negatives of other people’s reactions to my mental illnesses/mental health.  Things like – pity, lack of understanding and at times lack of even caring, the lack of trust from some others, that it can bring, the stereotyping, the stigma, using my mental health to justify their bad behavior, or bad attitudes or to convince themselves that their argument or position is right (even when it is wrong) and that my mental health isn’t allowing me to see it all clearly – even thought I so obviously do.

No.  I think the thing that I will choose – and yes it is purely to complete the exercise and I openly admit that there are (as I have detailed above) a number of other candidates (almost or) just as deserving. Is the fracturing or disconnecting and the lack of grounding that it all brings.

And this manifests or presents itself in so many ways.

That sense of not fitting in.

That sense of not being somehow slightly wrong or damaged or disconnected from who you should be – and even being a burden to people.

That sense of so often doubting or second guessing yourself – not being able to have confidence in your memories and recollections.

Consider this if you will.  So much of our life, so much of our grounding, of who we are, of our relationships is built on a whole series of our experiences and memories and recollections of those experiences.

If you fail to retain those memories, if you feel disconnected from those memories, if you have no confidence in the memories which you do have, if those special or important moments which go to grounding you, offering you belonging and security are not fully grasped or are lost along the way, where is your grounding?

How do you maintain and strengthen or build on relationships? How do you maintain and strengthen or build on healthy, normal, long-term relationships?

With anyone?  Including yourself?

 

 

 

 

Tagism can be so very wrong – whatever way you look at it!

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, mental health stigma, Mental Illness, Mental Illness Stigma, Stigma

Tagism –

A new modern disease often seen on social networks, especially Facebook in which people tag each other in photos,videos or notes frequently.

The above quote is taken from the Urban Dictionary and defines tagism as a ‘modern disease’. But is it? I mean really?

Of course the Facebook connection is fairly recent and of course we probably all knew what the definition was talking about the minute we saw that connection.

It’s when people stick tags or labels referring to us on the pictures they choose to put up. It’s a way of getting to us and bringing our attention to their pictures. And, let’s be honest here, sometimes – even very often – their pictures aren’t really of us and aren’t even funny.

I wonder, do you have any problems with the explanation that I have given so far? Does it all make sense? Seem to fit?

In my previous posts, I have sometimes referred to the way that I seem to see things slightly differently and often make connections which can go unnoticed by a lot of folk. So when I chose the above title ‘Tagism can be so very wrong – whatever way you look at it!’ I did so for a very deliberate reason and with this in mind.

So let’s look at ‘tagism’ a different way and then look again at the explanation I have written above. Let’s rearrange the letters for a moment.

Of course I am not suggesting for one minute that tagging pictures on Facebook causes stigma.  But I am drawing attention to the fact that just like tagging on Facebook Stigma is a form of labeling and both are done to us.

Let’s look again at the seemingly innocuous explanation of tagism  that I wrote above and see how sinister it becomes when we apply it to stigma.

“It’s when people stick tags or labels referring to us on the pictures they choose to put up.”  Isn’t that at the very core of stigma?  Doesn’t stigma often result from the pictures that other people have chosen to put up in their mind?  Pictures that are all too often wrong, inappropriate and unjust?

“It’s a way of getting to us and bringing our attention to their pictures.”  When does stigma present itself?  Isn’t it when others want to ‘get to’ someone?  When they want to hit out, to attack?  And doesn’t it always simply draw attention to the picture that they have chosen to put up in their mind?

“And, let’s be honest here, sometimes – even very often – their pictures aren’t really of us”  Isn’t that one of the tragic realities of it all?  That very often the picture – the understanding (or lack of understanding, which is sadly all to often the case) – that they put up in their mind, nearly always bears little to no resemblance to us?

“and aren’t even funny“.  And isn’t that also the cold hard reality of it all isn’t it?  There is nothing big, clever or humorous about it!

Stigma is unhealthy, unjust, uneducated.  Its ignorant, inappropriate, and inciting. Disturbing, disruptive, and disrespectful.  It is damaging!  So very damaging.

And it should have no place in our attitudes or our hearts or our minds.  And it should have no place whatsoever in the lives of those it is all too often targeted at!

It is my fervent hope and prayer that we will one day stamp out Stigma and treat all people with respect, understanding and compassion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day 10

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships

Day 10: What is the best thing in regards to your mental illness(es)?

Now this is a very interesting question – for a number of different reasons.

I think in many ways in the past I sometimes, as I am sure others have, struggled with the idea that my mental illnesses could actually have a positive side to them.

The truth is that mental illness can (and does), in a number of different ways, impact upon the sufferer in a lot of harmful and disruptive ways.

So much so that it can (at times), I believe, be difficult to bring yourself to see or to want to accept that there are associated positives.

Additionally, I personally find that it can often be very difficult to know if some of the positives which I might associate to be as a result of my mental health are actually as a result of my mental health or if I would actually still have them even if I didn’t have any mental illnesses.

And likewise, (and I accept that this might be difficult for some people to understand) I do sometimes wonder which came first?  My mental illnesses or some of the positives I sometimes attach to them.

After all, I would ask, “Is it not possible that some of my mental illnesses or poor mental health results from these positives rather than the other way around?”

And in this respect I am talking about such things as; my sensitiveness, my caring nature, my imagination and creativity, the way I see things, and even my sense of humor.

And before some of you roll about the floor laughing at the very notion of me actually being sensitive and caring. LOL

Yes I accept that I often keep those sides of me hidden and/or that they do sometimes get eclipsed by my sense of humor and the fact that often the filter in my brain fails to stop the internal dialogues from being external dialogues (oops did I say that out loud?).  But I think folk who know me well will know that behind those things I can be very acutely sensitive to the needs or hurts of others and am very caring and compassionate.

But the question, “Did, for example, that acute sensitiveness, along with things I witnessed happening to others and which I experienced happening to me, somehow affect me mentally?” is, I believe a valid question.

As I have written in other posts – both within and outside of this current 30 Day challenge, I have little memory concerning my early childhood.  But I do remember being a very sensitive child and extremely impacted by some things.

I really do consider, whilst it can also be a bit of a curse (so to speak) my sensitiveness to the needs, hurts, and feelings of others to be a blessing. [And this juxtaposed duality in respect of somethings is what I mentioned in yesterday’s post.]

But is it as a result of my mental illnesses and the injustices that I have experienced as someone with mental illness or would I simply be that way any way?

Likewise, I am fairly creative and do have a very vivid imagination.  I write – blogs, poetry, articles and novels – I draw, I sketch, I paint and I sculpt.  Again is this simply part of who I am, or did my passion for these things arise as a result of my mental illnesses and the circumstances arising from them.

And then there is the way that I often see things in a different way to how a lot of other folk seem to.

I have an extremely inquiring mind.

I like to unwrap things rather than just taking them on face value.

And yes, here again it can be just as much a negative as it is a positive.

Especially since I tend to see patterns in things – patterns which others often don’t even notice.  And also connections between things.  Again connections which others don’t seem to notice.  LOL I have to be very careful with  this as I have all the makings of a conspiracy theory obsessive.  Thankfully though, I have never gone that far.

But for example, as a Christian I love to read my bible.  Something which I have done since early childhood and for as long as I can remember.  But I don’t simply sit and read it.  I need to delve deeply into it. To unwrap it.  I love searching related scriptures and trying to truly understand the depth of what is written and the depth of God’s love for us.

I simply love the connections between the different scriptures and seeing how things written about and foretold thousands of years before came to be true hundreds and thousands of years later.

And what about that sense of humor of mine?  Again is that a blessing or a bit of a curse (so to speak) and again is it resultant from my mental illnesses or some of the circumstances and events which have resulted from my mental illness.  Have I developed or sharpened my sense of humor in order to help me cope with things which would, otherwise, affect me negatively?

The truth is that when I look back over my mental illnesses and the way that it has effected me over the years.  Indeed when I look into the eyes of the young child I used to be, I can see so very many negatives and so very many positives.

But I can also see how so many things have both negative and positive connotations attached to them.

And this brings me very neatly to the last three positives which I would like to share in this post.  These being a) strength and endurance  and b) understanding and c) a whole new world.

Strength and Endurance.  Having mental illnesses or even dealing with mental illnesses can be so very draining on a person and at times takes so much strength that it is virtually impossible for those who do not experience mental illness to fully comprehend or understand.

For example:  Part of my mental illnesses is the depression.  Depression which can be so deep and so heavy and so dark and desperate at times that I truly cannot recognize any hope for the future.  The smallest of tasks, even focusing on the simplest of tasks can take so much effort.  And the way in which the depressions robs you of and sucks every last bit of hope from you feeds into the suicidal thoughts which also form part of my mental illnesses.

But thanks to the grace of God, plus the support, love and commitment of people in my life, loved ones and close friends.  Those who at least try to understand and who see that there is a you worth loving buried deep behind the you who cannot love or even go on living, I have survived this far.  Trust me, it has been a long and difficult road and one that has brought with it a great deal of endurance.  And that, I believe, has without doubt helped me to become a much stronger person.

Understanding.  In my working life, in my ministry, I had the absolute honor of working – along with other client groups – with folk who suffered from poor mental health or mental illnesses.  Having mental illnesses myself, gave me several insights into what they were going through.  It also, of course, afforded me an empathy with them.

I also understood and understand that, along with all the hurt, all the struggles, all the hopelessness, all the chaos and confusion, and all the darkness which mental illness can often bring to a person’s life there is also a whole plethora of blessings and joys and positives.

And one of the most valued blessings, which my mental illnesses have – I don’t doubt – brought me, is the ability and tendency not to judge others.  The willingness to look beyond the behaviors and attitudes that some folk seem to present and to consider that they might just have good cause to present themselves in such a way.

Seeing some of my own behaviors and indeed my own reactions to things as a result of when my mental health declines or gets bad – and let’s be honest, some of those behaviors and reactions leave a lot to be desired at times – had affording me a better understanding that sometimes we all mess up or behave badly or incorrectly.

I mentioned above, that there were three last positives when talking about the best things resultant from my mental illnesses and, having already discussed two of these, I would very much like to end on the third of these – a whole new world.

A Whole New World.  Without my own mental illnesses I do wonder just how much involvement I would still have with the whole area of mental illness and mental health.  Of course it could be argued that – were it not for my mental illnesses (and physical illnesses) I would possibly still be working and still in the same ministry and  so would still be involved with mental health and mental illness.

But the fact remains that having my mental illnesses has, in one way or another, brought me into the world of blogging.  As a result of that I have made the acquaintance of, and benefited from, learned from, been challenged and inspired by, so many wonderful bloggers and blogs.

Without doubt this has got to be one of the best things about my mental illnesses and I thank you all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day 9

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Day 9: What are some of the important events in your life, that may have effected your mental illness(es) for the worse or better? (You can make a timeline)

Explanation and Apology

For some reason, when  I started this challenge, I didn’t go through the list of daily challenges.  If honest, and I do try to be honest in life generally and especially in my blogging, I was looking for inspiration to get back into blogging and undertaking this challenge seemed like a good idea.

That having been said, I did anticipate that some questions/subjects would be extremely difficult for me to write about and, guess what?  This one most certainly is.

My difficulty stems from three main areas…

Firstly, as I have often written about before, my memory is such that whilst I generally struggle with my long-term memory.

In truth some things I remember very clearly.  Other things it seems are more like vague memories – and their vagueness reduces my confidence in them. And yet other things I remember with clarity but struggle to know when they actually happened.

Secondly, there is the whole question of other people’s feelings.  I am acutely aware that for me to share some of the things which have happened in my life and which have affected my mental health I would have to share things which would bring discomfort or even distress to certain people – especially my family.  This therefore means that I have to be very careful in what I share and how.

Thirdly, I am very much aware that there is the danger of allowing bitterness and resentment – and even a desire for revenge to enter into the mix.

Something which I personally strive to avoid, where possible, and which, I personally believe to be more harmful to ourselves than to the person or people with whom we may have cause bitter or resentful.

And lastly, and just as importantly, there is the whole question of guilt and forgiveness.

In truth, and bearing in mind my previous reservations, I just don’t want to get into finger pointing or indeed causing any further suffering to those who have been guilty of causing me hurt or damage.  Their responsibilities and indeed their guilt in this respect is for them to deal with.  But my forgiveness of said hurts or suffering is very clearly my responsibility and whilst the damage and indeed some of the scars (visible or invisible) may remain, I simply don’t wish to be a prisoner to any anger or indeed their actions any more.

For all of the above reasons, I have therefore decided to respectfully opt out of answering this question in any great detail.  And for that same reason, when compiling timelines for previous posts in this challenge I was very selective as to what events I included within them.

There have of course been many events in my life which have effected my mental health in positive ways.

My faith would of course be one of the greatest of these and is in the main (see below) a great positive and strength giver.

And listing these would indeed be very easy and quite a pleasure.  But then this brings me to a certain important reality which is often attached to this very subject and one which is, I think very worth while mentioning here.  And that is the whole question of ‘dualities‘ and ‘perceptions and perspectives.

‘Dualities’ and ‘Perceptions and Perspectives’

‘Dualities‘

Events can often have dual or even multiple outcomes.  For example, things which may at first seem wonderful can lead to tragedy and things which can at first seem tragic can lead to the most wonderful of benefits or outcomes.

‘Perceptions and Perspectives’

At times linked to the above, one of the strangest and often the most harmful aspects of my mental illness, and I am sure that I am not the only one who experiences this, is the way my varying levels of mental health can generate differing and often opposing perceptions and perspectives of something.

Things which I will naturally see as having a positive effect or a benefit when my mental health is fairly good can soon become a complete negative when my mental health (and especially the association depression) gets really bad.

One example of this, and in sharing this I sincerely hope that I don’t offend anyone is in respect of my children.

Having children is, without doubt, one of the greatest blessings in life but when my mental health gets really bad it twists things.  That beautiful, wonderful and inspiring blessing can be twisted into harmful thought patterns such as “they would be better off without me” or ‘what if I hurt them?’ or ‘what if I pass on my mental illness?’ or ‘look at me, I am just a burden to them.’

This twisting, this distortion or corruption can be very difficult for folk who do not suffer from depression (or poor mental health) to understand.  And it can be extremely difficult for the loved ones of those who experience it.

But trust me it is a very real and very harmful and disruptive aspect of some mental illnesses.  And let’s be very real and open about this, not only does it corrupt or distort our perspectives and perceptions but it can also rob us of all hope.

Conclusion

So there you have it.  My answer – for what it is worth – to today’s challenge.  I know it is probably not what some people may have expected but I do hope that it will at least prove informative and/or beneficial to some.

 

 

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Eight

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, DID, Distorted Perceptions, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred

Day 8:  What age you were diagnosed at?  At what age do you think your symptoms began? (You can make a timeline)

I have to be honest here and admit that today’s question/topic is one which really got me thinking.

Which, since my brain recently seems totally incapable of shutting or slowing down and letting me rest, started late yesterday evening and continued into the early hours of this morning.

One of my biggest difficulties with this particular question (as with a lot of things it seems) is that my memory just doesn’t seem to function properly.  Whilst I might – if I am particularly fortunate – remember events and key or important happenings or experiences in my life, actually putting a date or time frame on them can be much more problematic.

As a result of this I spent several hours creating a timeline in respect of my mental health using key events as memory joggers or point plotters.  Even so, in the interest of objectivity and fair play I have to admit (and add the disclaimer) that whilst the timings are, to the best of my recollection correct, I may be slightly off here and there.

So that having been said the question does call for an interesting comparison between when I actually received a diagnosis and when I believe my symptoms first began.  And for me, and I know from my involvement with the Mental Health Writers Guild as well as from conversations with other bloggers. that I am not alone in this.  I had been aware of my symptoms years before gaining a diagnosis.

Actually, in all honesty, I had been aware of my symptoms – albeit that I hadn’t at first recognized them or thought of them as ‘symptoms of actual mental illness’ – in my childhood.  Certainly as early as my mid childhood and possibly even before.  (Another facet of my memory problems is that I do not remember my early childhood other than one or two specific events).

In fact it wasn’t until my early teenage years before I started to formulate an understanding that what I had initially simply considered as me being ‘different’ might just be indications of mental illness.

As I have mentioned elsewhere, realizing as a child that you were somehow ‘different’ and that others seemed to react (often negatively) to those differences, generated a response of trying to hide those differences.  And this – coupled with a fear of actually being labelled as ‘mentally ill’ and all that this could possibly result in – led me to hide my mental health for a great many years.

It is also worth noting that this was many years ago now and our understanding of mental illness and mental health was not as good as it is now.  It is funny but as I re-read some of my old school reports and knowing what I know about my mental illness (and which of course they did not know at the time) I see the comments of my teachers and understand the reasons behind them.

The first three images are teacher’s comments and the fourth the Head Master’s comments from 1972 when I was 10.  The next (and fifth) image is the Head Master’s comment from the following year. and the others from 1973.

Continual lapses in concentration where simply seen as ‘day dreaming’ or just that – un-investigated lapses in concentration.  No one seemed to ever expect that they may be resultant from the dialogues going on in my head or from poor mental health and no one seemed to ever consider that the ‘clever retorts’ mentioned in the Head Master’s overall comment (image four) might indicate something deeper than a ‘smart-arsed’ or rebellious kid.  And I (and my backside) can personally assure you that my father only saw such behavior at school as ‘bad’ or ‘rebellious’ behavior.

No, as far as I can recall, the status of my mental health and indeed the possibility of any mental illness did not seem to be discussed (at least not in my presence) or considered throughout my early to mid childhood.  I had hidden my ‘differences’ and I had hidden them well.

My teenage years were a slightly different story however.  Although even then I was able to get away with hiding most of my symptoms.

Whilst unable to put a two or three significant events on the timeline that I have created – due to my not remembering exactly when they took place.  I do remember my self-harming starting at some point in my early teens.  I also remember a number of close calls and unsuccessful attempts to end my life.  Most of which happened outside the family home, but one – which I remember vividly happening within the family home when my older sister found me with a carving knife by my wrists.

Strangely, whilst I have a crystal clear (as if I could replay the dvd in  my mind) recollection of my sitting in a complete state in our kitchen, with a wet flannel on my forehead and my big sister hovering over me and making sure I was alright and calming me down. I have no memory or how my parents reacted to the episode.

However, I do also have a specific and vivid memory, although my mother doesn’t recall this and is therefore unable to help with the dating of the event, being taken to see a psychiatrist at some point in my early to early to mid teenage years.

I remember vividly our attending a local health center and being shown into a room and my sitting opposite this strange man sat across a desk from me.  I remember with crystal recollection the feeling of unease and mistrust which I felt concerning both him (the psychiatrist) and the younger man who was stood behind him.

I remember the fact that he (the psychiatrist – for the younger man simply observed and was probably just a student) asked me a series of questions whilst at the same time (in intervals of but a few minutes) rolling pencils (which were lined up flat on the desk and sideways on to me) across the desk, towards me, and onto the floor.

I remember deliberately avoiding answering the psychiatrist’s questions truthfully and deliberately not reacting to his rolling the pencils towards me.  I also remember studying the younger man stood behind him and noting that his shirt collar was dirty and his shirt in desperate need of an iron.

I also remember having a great deal of personal satisfaction when he announced to my parent(s) that whilst I had ‘issues’ my responses to his questions did not indicate any clear mental illness.  I remember distinctly the sense of pride I felt that I had out-smarted him.  Which given my unease and mistrust concerning him was understandable.

But other than the aforementioned specific incident any concerns about my mental health – which whilst I am sure must have been considered and discussed behind my parent’s closed bedroom door and at times when we kids were not around – was never really raised or discussed.

I have learned to, and to all intents and purposes had been successful in hiding my mental illnesses and this continued throughout my life until around the period 1994/5-1998.

The years between my early to mid teenage and this point had been ones full of stress, secrecy, self medication, a bout of street homelessness, a period of self-medication through illegal drugs, reckless acts, manic or reckless spending, lots of hiding and even more secrecy and a great deal of avoiding and running from the potential fall out of things I had done previously.

I had renewed the faith which I had had all through my childhood and which I had discarded not as a result of any doubting the existence of God.  But simply as a result of the deep seated conviction that no-one (who really knew me – and after all God knows everything) ever being able to want me.  I had gotten married, had a wonderful son, started some wonderful relationships and friendships and was in full time Christian ministry.

But I was living a double life.  On the outside I was successful and very respected and yet inside I was a wreck.  I knew the truth, I knew I was living a double life and was on borrowed time.  And most of all I knew the fragility of my mental health and my past and I knew that past would soon catch up with me.

My ministry and client group brought me in regular contact with the local mental health team and mental health practitioners and I also had a family doctor who was also a friend and a member of the same church as me.  I began to open up with him about my mental health and he agreed to see me privately and to help me work through some of the issues.  It was only at this point did I ever truly receive any external indication of possible diagnoses concerning my mental health.

Sadly however, it was also at this point when the fall-out from my previous life caught up with me.  Unbeknownst to my wife and son (my son being but 4 years old at the time, I was a financial wreck as a result of my previous drug use, financial mismanagement and extremely reckless spending even prior to that.  The wolves were not only at the door, they were out for blood.  I could run, hide and avoid this no longer.  My marriage, my ministry, my family and even my freedom was at very real risk.  With the help of two wonderful friends from my church – who out of desperation I had finally opened up to and gone to for help, and by the grace of God (and trust me it had to be an act of God) I managed to avoid prison, begin to address my financial mess and most important of all I told my wife the full story of my financial mess.

And I have to say that my wife was wonderful about it all.   Despite all the lies and secrecy going back some thirteen years of our being together (seven of them as a married couple) she stood by me and helped me to rebuild my and thus our finances.

But even at that time I could not bring myself to open up about my mental illnesses and poor mental health.  I was frightened it would be one lie, one secrecy, one deception too much.  Additionally I was frightened that (if it got out) I would lose my employment and ministry and on top of that (if I am truly honest) there was my pride at stake.

But the fact is that once my financial state was out in the open and I was no longer able to hide it or from it or to avoid it, it did indeed begin to take a toll on my mental health.  Other circumstance also came into play and my employment and ministry ended and another began.

Part of my avoidance of detection of my mental health and part of my avoidance of the fall out from my previous financial recklessness had been our moving across country from our hometown.  But I decided that, since I no longer needed to run from my financial problems, we could move back to our hometown.  So having secured employment there, and in response to some health needs within my wife’s family we did just that.

But the truth is that I really wasn’t as well as I thought I was mentally and at the same time my physical health had for some time now also suffered.  Likewise, whilst the fact that my financial difficulties were out in the open did remove a great deal of stress we still had a lot of financial pressures.

All through my working life I had used my work as a way of limiting the amount of time I would have to spend with any one person and thus limiting the chances of anyone detecting my mental illnesses.  Additionally, my almost life-long sense of being ‘damaged’ and ‘not fitting in’ drove me away from enjoying intimate or close relationships.  Something which must have truly hurt my wife and family and friends and for which I am truly sorry, but just couldn’t express or reveal.

This in turn led to my taking on increase work loads and with the death of both my father in law – in 1997 and my own father in early 1999.  Both of which having tremendous impacts on me emotionally and mentally for varying and different reasons.  The inevitable happened and in late 1999 I suffered a complete mental and physical breakdown.

It was only as a result of this and my inability to avoid or hide my mental illnesses any more that I was referred to the local mental health team and only then (at the age of 37 when I actually got my first official diagnoses.

So why am I sharing all this with you?

I am acutely aware that this post (like a lot of mine it seems LOL) has been very long.  And I just hope it hasn’t been too boring or confused for you.  But I truly believe that it is so very important – when we consider mental illness – that we understand just some of the complex issues that can be associated even with gaining a diagnosis.  And indeed with a person who experiences mental illness even admitting his or her illness.

It is my fervent hope and prayer that by my sharing this others will be encouraged – or at least not feel so alone in their struggles.  And that those who do not personally suffer from mental illness or poor mental health but are reading this will be able to understand it’s effects a little better.

It is also my fervent prayer that we look more deeply and more compassionately and objectively at some of the behaviors which can be presented in childhood and without leaping to any conclusions or rushing to (potentially harmfully) label a child, will consider that perhaps his or her behavior is not just a lack of discipline, or attention, or effort, and not just ‘bad’ or ‘inappropriate’ behavior or ‘rebelliousness.

I also want to acknowledge and thank all those who have loved and supported me throughout all of the above and to acknowledge that I do so very clearly recognize God’s grace in it all.

To the person who came up with this challenge (and you know who you are) I want to truly thank you for this question and the idea of creating a ‘timeline‘.  As I said above I have done just that and it has truly helped me.  And for those who are interested a pdf file of this can be viewed here.

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Seven

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships

Day 7: Do you think there are any triggers or patterns to how your illness(es) effects you?

Looking for and being aware of ‘triggers’ and ‘patterns’ which may effect our mental illnesses or mental health can, in my experience and opinion, be essential in trying to manage it.  Or at least doing our best to limit some of the fall out resulting from it.

For me personally, whilst I am very much aware of certain ‘triggers’ which may (and usually do)  bring on either ‘episodes’ or a more general sustained decline in my mental health.  When it comes to ‘patterns’ I have to be honest here and admit that I seem to be far more aware of ‘patterns’ as a result of a decline in my mental health rather than any patterns leading up to a decline in my mental health.

And whilst it somehow feels counter-intuitive (like superman announcing to the world how ‘Kryptonite’ effects him) openly sharing just what those ‘patterns’ and especially those ‘triggers’ are.  In the hope that it might help folk avoid those triggers themselves and other folk understand a little.  I am willing to do it.

Triggers

‘Triggers’ can, in my experience, come in many different shapes and sizes and the list of possible triggers includes (but not exclusively):- sounds, smells, sights,  tastes, and/or a combination of any of these.  Likewise, they can also include – a circumstance or set of circumstances, a topic of conversation or a specific subject matter.

Being mindful of my own triggers and very much aware that others also experience triggers, I came up with the following symbol and display it on any blog posts which I feel could possibly trigger someone when reading that post.  And I am delighted that many other bloggers have adopted the symbol and do the same thing.   And please be warned that I am displaying it here for just that reason.

There are for me certain triggers which will usually, but not always, bring on immediate ‘episodes’ and others which will usually (but not always) bring on longer more sustained declines in my mental health.

‘Triggers’ which, for me, will usually (but not always) bring on an immediate (thankfully normally fairly short) ‘episode’  include…

The combined smells of sweat and Old Spice Aftershave especially with the sound of leather cracking against itself.

Any sudden or unexpected reference to or appearance of (in films and television programs) any form of rape or abuse.

Any sudden or unexpected reference to or appearance of (in films and television programs) any form of self-harming.

Repetitive noises, especially shouting or screaming.

‘Triggers’ which, for me, will usually (but not always) bring on longer more sustained declines in my mental health (and thus my ability to cope) include…

Arguments and disagreements.

Confrontational situations.

Any time when I feel I have hurt someone, failed to understand them or caused them any form of offense.

Injustices.

Financial worries.

Sudden and potentially strenuous changes to routines or expected events.

Stupid mistakes which I may (and often do) make

Any time I find that I am failing to explain myself or communicate well.

Situations where I suddenly find myself unable to do something which I can usually do without really even thinking about it.  (I recognize and freely accept that with this one it is entirely possible and even likely that my mental health has already started to decline but when this happens I tend to fixate on it and speed up that decline I think.)

Disorder, untidiness or chaos.

A serious decline in my physical health and subsequently a reduction in what I am able to do and thus an increase in my frustration with myself.

Patterns

Patterns can be very important in both the diagnosis and the management of mental illness.  For example the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder will often consider the patterns of manic episodes verses depressed episodes.

But, since I live alone and since very often when my mental health declines I am often one of the last people to realize it (until I am at least coming out of that decline) recognizing patterns has been very difficult for me.

And so, as I said above, when it comes to ‘patterns’ I have to be honest here and admit that I seem to be far more aware of ‘patterns’ as a result of a decline in my mental health rather than any patterns leading up to a decline in my mental health.

I think that this is because the way my mental illness presents itself can (and often does) vary.  Just as the speed in which it presents itself and thus at which my mental health can declines can vary.

Patterns resulting from a general or more sustained decline in my mental health include..

A reduction in creativity (motivation, focus and comprehension all suffer)

An increase in disorder or untidiness. (Again, motivation and focus go)

A reduction in self-care (Bathing, eating, shaving, taking medications etc)

An increased tendency to isolate.  (A need to hide and for fear of worrying or offending anyone)

A reduction in communication with others. (Same as above)

An inability to focus.

Increased memory loss.

Fixation on minor details and often my own inadequacies.

And additionally the filter which can (and normally does) prevent me from actually saying out loud some of the things which the voices or thoughts are saying in my head can often fail.

I am very much aware that the above list could be read as a list of symptoms rather than as patterns (and certainly I would understand anyone being confused by this list).  But, as I mentioned before, I don’t see or recognize any patterns leading up to a decline in my mental health only patterns during and after one.

In fact the only pattern I recognize in respect of leading up to a decline in my mental health is that once a decline has started it nearly always happens!

When I was a boy my family used to play a popular board game called Mouse Trap.  In this game you would (at certain times) turn the crank which would in turn set off a series of events which would inevitably (providing you had set it up properly) end in the release of the trap.

That game is (in my mind and experience at least) so very true of my mental health.

And so very often I am not aware that my mental health has declined until the above pattern of symptoms presents itself.  And by then, of course, very often damage has already been done and the focus then becomes trying to a) prevent a further crash, b) to regain a better level of mental health and c) the inevitable needing to repair any damage done in the process.

And I think that is a very important point which is worth sharing and indeed highlighting.

One very real pattern which I have noticed is in respect of the damage that often happens as a result of a long period of poor mental health.  And indeed in respect of it’s impact on any recovery from that period of poor mental health.

All too often, my mental health seems to get back to a state where I am able to realize something has gone wrong and where I am able to understand or recognize that as a result of it other things – eating patterns, communication, relationships, the paying of bills – have also suffered.

Depending on a) at what stage in my recovery I make this realization and b) the level of fall-out or damage that has been done, I will then either continue my recovery as usual, experience a longer recovery process or indeed plummet back into a further decline in my mental health.

So there you have it.  My answer to question/subject 7 in the 30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge that I am currently doing.

I hope and pray that what I have shared will help someone and does in fact make sense.  To be honest – since we are talking about patterns and triggers, I have to be honest with you and admit that I have over the past few days/couple of weeks ( I really can’t be sure which) noticed the all too familiar pattern of my mental health declining.

Actually this post itself – which would normally not take me very long, I started at 8am this morning and it is now 12.30pm and I can’t for the life of me work out if what I wanted to say I have been able to say or if what I have said makes as much sense as I would want it to.

Recognizing ‘patterns’ and ‘triggers’ within our mental illness or mental health is, in my opinion, essential ad so having people in your life who will watch for said patterns and triggers can also be essential.

There can be, I think, (and certainly I confess to this being present in myself) a tendency – when we feel our mental health slipping – to isolate or to hide this from others.  This is probably as a result of such things as…

the desire not to worry folk

or to be judged

or do anything stupid.

As much as I recognize this in myself and am guilty of it, I think this is ultimately a harmful thing to do.  And o with that in mind and whilst discussing patterns and triggers (and since my brain seems completely unable of shutting down and letting me rest at the moment) I have created a Mental Illness Process Chart in respect of my own mental health/illness.  This (for those who are interested) can be found here.

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Six

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Day 6: Do you have a family history of mental illness or mental health issues?

Of all the questions within this challenge I have to be honest and admit that this one question/subject is the one where I feel that I have to be the most cautious in answering.

In my writings, whether it be in this or my other blogs, or indeed my books, I made a very conscious and deliberate decision to try my best to avoid directly or indirectly causing any hurt or discomfort to any of my family.

Whilst I fully believe, and will fully defend my position, that my mental health or mental illnesses are just that – my mental health or my mental illnesses and thus mine to discuss as I see fit. I do not want, in the process, to cause any offense or discomfort to any members of my family.

And since the question “Do you have a family history of mental illness or mental health issues?” is by very virtue of the question asking me to disclose information about the mental health or mental illness of others and not myself I do want to be extremely careful here.

So what then can I share, in respect of this question?

Well perhaps the following will be acceptable as an answer and indeed possibly help folk understand my reticence.here.

I was born into a military family in southern England in the early 1960’s. And if you think that mental health and mental illness still has a lot of stigma attached to it now, and that we still have a long way to go before we fully understand them, well trust me things were incredibly worse back then.

TRIGGER WARNING:

England was coming out of, but had still not fully come out of, a long and dark passage of very poor, often aggressive, intrusive and violent and totally inappropriate treatment of mental illness.

We simply didn’t understand mental illness and some of the treatments offered were, by today’s understanding and standards, simply barbaric.

The following film is one made by the BBC about Mental Illness in England just before, around and after the time when I was born. Understanding the actual dates of the treatments, circumstances and environments discussed in this film can be difficult. But as you watch this film (and I warn you it can get very uncomfortable to watch at times) check out the dates given under people’s names.

 

So, as you can see from the above film, whilst progress was being made concerning the understanding of and treatment of mental illness in England when I was born, there was still a huge amount of misunderstanding, mistrust, stigma and indeed poor treatment. The Mental Health Act of 1959 was a huge milestone in improving these things but it took years to fully implement and even longer for the public to truly begin to change their own understanding.

As a result of this Mental health issues were often, where possible, hushed up and either kept secret within families or even kept secret from everyone including the family. Something which is not surprising when you considered the environment and cultural attitudes of the time. Such as things like…

Folk with mental health issues being publicly ridiculed and mistrusted.

Folk with mental health issues still being locked away within asylums (as they continued to be for a good few years later),

Parents of children with mental health issues being considered to be responsible and often thought to themselves have some form of character or physiological defect which was responsible for said mental health issues in their child.

Consequently, having a child, like me, who suffered from poor mental health directly affected your standing within your local community. So subsequently children with mental health issues or poor mental health often seemed to be ‘whisked away’ either to relatives or to ‘homes’ or ‘special hospitals’ or other such institutions.

So much so that sometimes, when a child realized in his or herself that something was different about them, they very often did all they could to hide it or very soon learned to hide it. Even and especially from their family.

Something which, whilst on face value might seem difficult today to understand happening, or even being possible, it really was not so difficult back then. And trust me I speak from personal experience here.

Actually it really wasn’t that difficult as the understanding of mental health and mental illness was a long way off what it is today.  And so a great many children were simply labeled as being a ‘problem child’ or ‘troubled’ or even (and I promise you that this is a term which I heard applied to several other children during my childhood and youth) ‘educationally sub-normal’.

And all too often, any behaviors which were actually resultant from poor mental health or from mental illness were therefore simply labelled as ‘unacceptable behavior’, ‘naughtiness’ or ‘rebellion’.  And subsequently they were very often sadly dealt with according to those labels or understandings.

In truth, folk of my parent’s generation simply did not tend to admit to, and very often simply did not discuss, any mental illness within a family – even where it was evidently present. And the general ‘catch-all’ term and statement, “Oh he (or she) is ‘unwell’ and so the doctors felt that a spell away whilst they sorted out what was wrong and how to best treat it was needed.” was often used when any such inquiries made.

One such personal example of the kind of attitudes present at the time – which I am willing to share and which I do not feel will cause any offense or discomfort to other members of my family – is that my own father, at the time of my birth (due to pressures of his naval career and the fact that he was abroad and not able to get home for my birth) suffered from a temporary breakdown and was admitted to hospital and placed in a padded cell as a result of it.

But even then, as far as I am aware, absolutely no reference to this was ever made until but a few years ago (and remember I am 52 now) when I was discussing my mental health with my mother and asked about any possible history of mental health or mental illness in the family.

So, in conclusion and in answer to the question “Do you have a family history of mental illness or mental health issues?” My answer would have to be that very often, in my experience, the presence or history of mental health or mental illness within a family is very much hidden and not discussed.

And so yes, I am absolutely certain that, there is a history of some mental illness or mental health within my family but it was and still is extremely well hidden or ‘hushed up’ and I have little to no doubt that I and my family are not alone in this.

And here again we see a classic demonstration of the difference between how physical and mental illness is perceived.

Ask someone if there is a history of heart disease in their family and they will often openly and willingly share any that they know of.  But ask if there is any history of mental illness in the family and very often you will see just how reluctant they are to share or insistent they are that there is indeed no such history.

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Four

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Doubt, Suicidal Thoughts

Day 4: What are the pros and cons of having a mental illness(es) or your specific illness(es)?

This is a question (or subject) which I have often reflected on and indeed written on.

And in truth, there will no doubt be some commonalities in the answers given by different people doing this challenge. But because we are all unique and our circumstances unique I don’t doubt that there will no doubt be some answers that I give, which are entirely specific to me.

I think I am going to deal with the ‘cons’ first as I would very much like to end this post on a positive note rather than a negative one.

The ‘Cons’

Ok first the explanatory disclaimer.  The truth is that there are a whole myriad of cons which can be associated to having mental illness or experiencing poor mental health.  But in the interest of not boring you to tears or being seen as a ‘winging winnie’ I will list just some of the main ones.

Likewise, there are of course, as I indicated above, the common cons which will appear below but also perhaps some very personal ones…

The Stigma which is often so very wrongly attached to poor mental health/mental illness and indeed the resultant fall out from it.

Thankfully we (humankind) do appear to be making great strides in addressing this as our understanding of mental health and mental illness improves, but even so it really is still a huge problem.  Some people simply don’t understand and, as a result of this, feel somewhat unsure – even threatened – by mental illness and poor mental health.

One such example of this is sadly present within the modern-day church.  Many Christians struggle with the very concept of a Christian having poor mental health or having a mental illness.  And trust me ( I know from first hand experience) where that mental illness causes depression or even suicidal thoughts this can send Christians into all sorts of conflicts and resultant arguments, assumptions, misconceptions, and responses.

Secondly, there are the Broken or Strained Relationships which sadly also seem to go hand in hand with mental illness and poor mental health.  I have little to no doubt that my mental illnesses have – either through my own actions and lack of understanding, or through the actions and lack of understanding of others – damaged and even wrecked relationships which would have survived or even flourished if no mental illness was present.

And then there are, certainly for me personally, the Distorted Perceptions. These are times when I simply seem to see things in a totally different way to others.  Where my understanding of what is happening or what took place is so very different from the other person’s understanding.  Of course this can happen even where no mental illness is present but it does seem that where mental illness is present – or at very least where my mental illnesses are present – the frequency or chances of this happening are increased.

Those of you who are bothering to read all this and who are observant will probably notice that this is also linked to one of the ‘Pros’ I will list later.  But in the negative it can also bring about…

‘Confusion and Self-Doubt‘ are things which often reign as a result of my mental illness and the ‘distorted memories’ which I mentioned above.  So many times my mental illnesses can bring with them altered states of reality and consequently you end up often doubting yourself, your memory or your understanding.

And the last two/three examples lead me very neatly to what I like to call the ‘Cop-out Clause Effect‘.   This is the label I give to those situations and circumstances where the other person has failed to see or understand your opinion or point of view in a situation.  And  where, instead of trying to understand or even consider that they could be wrong or might have behaved badly, they simply put the whole thing down to your mental illness.  Man that can be so very annoying when it happens.

And conversely there is the ‘Get out of Jail free card‘ which is often played on your behalf when you have mental illness.  I fully understand and accept, (indeed I know first hand) that sometimes my mental illnesses cause me to behave or react badly to things.  And certainly I accept that, when this happens, any response to said reaction or behavior should take my mental health into consideration. BUT I am also fully aware that sometimes my behavior or reactions are not in the least bit due to my mental illness or poor mental health I am just simply behaving badly.  And thus any reaction to this should not offer me a ‘get out of jail free card’ but instead hold me as accountable as anyone else.

Now I understand that this can be a veritable mine-field for folk, but I am a big boy now and I am essentially honest to a fault and I am convinced that calm, reasonable, adult conversation concerning what happened will soon afford the truth behind what took place.

And the penultimate ‘con’ in my list of cons about having mental illness is the ‘often hidden‘ and ‘fluctuating states of play‘ which can (and certainly are in my case) experienced.

Mental illness is not like having a broken leg where everyone can see you are wearing a splint of cast around your leg and so don’t therefore ask you to play football, run races or climb ladders.

It (in my case and experience) often fluctuates in the way and severity in which both presents itself and indeed in how it affects me. And in truth it can also often remain hidden.

This can often mean that folk fail to understand what your mental state is at any given time and thus fail to understand your capabilities or reactions. It can also mean that – as in my case where I am classed as being ‘extremely high functioning’ – when your mental illness does cause an odd or unusual reaction or behavior in you, the resultant damage can be greater than it would have been if your mental illness was recognized or understood in that situation.

And there is another aspect of this which is extremely important. (although I am really not sure I am explaining any of this very well at all). Because of the ‘often hidden’ and ‘fluctuating state of play’ of my mental health and because I am considered and (I accept) present as ‘extremely high functioning’ folk simply assume that I am able to cope with most things most of the time until my mental health goes wonky.  This is simply not the case!  There are aspects and areas where I am simply not able to cope and thus am a complete wreck in those areas.

Which brings me to the last ‘con’ which I will share in my soul-bearing list of cons attached to my mental illnesses.  And that is the state of playing ‘catch up and repair’ which can often result from mental illness or poor mental health.

Whilst I have freely admitted that there are certain aspects and areas where, as a result of my mental illnesses, I am a wreck, generally speaking I am extremely high functioning and do cope with  most things.  But when the state of my mental health worsens things do go awry and chaos and confusion seem to reign.

This means that, once my mental health improves again (and yes my mental illnesses presents itself in such a cyclical fashion) I am forced into a state of playing ‘catch up and repair’.  Examples of this are such things as…

the tidiness of my home,

eating patterns disordered,

correspondence ignored and not replied to or dealt with,

bills not being paid and the monies set aside for them spent on other often useless and frivolous things,

medication not taken as prescribed,

increased isolation and commitments and appointments not kept.

So there you have just some (ok quite a few) of the myriad of ‘cons’ attached to my mental illnesses.  But, as I said before, I don’t want to end on a negative note.  And, in truth, I really do try to keep a positive outlook concerning my mental illnesses.  So here are just some of the ‘pros’ definitely or potentially attached to my mental health/mental illnesses.

The ‘Pros’

Very top of my list has to be that I truly believe that my mental illnesses afford me ‘a different way of seeing‘.  It can be a hard thing to describe but it somehow opens your eyes to considering things in a different and often much deeper way than a lot of people seem to do.

‘a acute sense of humor‘  This one is one which some people disagree with but it is, I think, very interesting that some of the greatest comedic minds of our time (and let’s be honest here we have less information concerning the comedic minds of the past and certainly a much lower understanding of mental health in those days) seem to also struggle with poor mental health or with mental illnesses.  I found this article ‘Tears of the clown: Comedians who battle with serious mental health problems‘ very interesting.  As well as this one also ‘Study finds comedians are more inclined to have ‘high levels of psychotic personality traits”.

‘an inner strength‘ and ‘perseverance‘.  Again a difficult one to describe or truly pin point.  As a Cristian a great deal of my inner strength no doubt comes from my faith.  But I also recognize that because so many of the most simplest of tasks – which many folk take for granted – often, as a result of my mental health, take far more effort or concentration.

The words of Romans 5:1-4 (NKJV) tells us.. “Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. ³ And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; ⁴ and perseverance, character; and character, hope. “

And whilst this is primarily applicable to faith, the statement ‘Knowing that tribulation produces perseverance’, is extremely relevant to what I am talking about here.  That is not to say that we ( and more personally I) don’t struggle or don’t grow weary and I for one can truly understand when mental illness brings you to a point of despair and a desire to end it all.  But the bright side of it all has to be the strength that is shown even making it as far as we have sometimes.

‘Creativity‘  Here again this might well be linked to one or two of the ones above ‘a different way of seeing’ and ‘an acute sense of humor’ for example.  But I do accept that I am or can be extremely creative.  Or ‘artsy’ as some folk have labelled me.  I write poetry, novels, blogs. I draw, sketch, paint, sculpt. I love acting.  All of these things a very possibly related to my mental illness and it is perhaps interesting that Stephen Fry (and others) – in his documentaries “The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive” when answering the question “If there was a big red button which, when pushed, would remove your bipolar disorder – would you push it?” also considered within his answer how many positives he might also lose along with his bipolar.

‘Deep thinking‘  Also linked to one or two of the above, my mind – which after all is the very same mind which has the mental illnesses – seems to allow me to think extremely deeply and indeed to take my thought processes off on a myriad of side journeys and considerations.  (Which trust me can sometimes be just as much a curse as a blessing).  But this does allow me to unwrap thoughts, questions and topics extremely deeply at times and does open up a whole world of different perspectives and understandings.

‘Being able to relate‘  One of the greatest benefits of suffering from mental illness for me personally has to be that it has brought with it an ability and openness to relate to others with similar challenges or difficulties in their lives.

Mental illness does, as I have said elsewhere, all to often push people away.  It can make people unsure of themselves or of how to communicate with or behave around folk who have mental illness.

And this is so very tragic as by shunning or avoiding folk – by effectively writing off – who have mental illness we lose a wealth of experience and creativity and beauty that we would so very much benefit from.  If suffering from mental illness myself has brought me just the ability to understand this then truly it is worth it!

‘A reluctance to judge people‘ Oh how very grateful I am for this one!  How many times in my life have I felt misjudged or misunderstood?  And as a result of this I try so very hard not to do the same thing.  I am acutely aware that so very often we do not know (or at times people don’t even bother to consider) the back story behind the way a person acts or reacts.

‘A heightened awareness of injustice.’ Is the last ‘Pro’ that I am going to share in my list of ‘Pros’.  And again whilst I think this is also intrinsically linked to my faith I cannot, in all honesty, separate it from being a bi-product of my mental illness.

I have seen (and personally experienced) a great deal of injustice in my time and it never gets easier to stomach and never gets easier to find acceptable.  Often times I find myself understanding (to some degree or another) the causes of said injustices but they always still sadden me so very deeply.

Many have been liked to mental illness but in truth not all of them are.  And I will stop myself from going off on a rant here.  But suffice to say that when you have, as a result of your mental health or your involvement in mental health awareness, witnessed or experienced injustice you do seem to become attuned to it or have your awareness heightened to it.

Conclusion

So there you have my list of just some of the pros and cons attached to having my mental illnesses.    As I read back over them there are so many others that I could include and indeed some which can be both a pro and a con depending on the circumstances or approach to them.

I just hope they haven’t bored you (the reader) too much and I am of course willing to discuss them further should anyone wish to comment on them.

I also recognize that not all of them a exclusively specific to mental illness and many of them could be resultant from other factors.  This is so often the case with a lot of things, is it not?  But for me there is without doubt some correlation between my personal experience of them and my mental illnesses.

 

 

 

 

The Tears of A Clown – Removing the Face-paint.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Suicidal Thoughts

The truth is that I am a clown. And any tears that I might shed might remove the face-paint and let you see – at least in part – beyond the happy mask that I wear and which you have become accustomed to.  So instead, I just cry my tears within myself.

– Kevin A. Deane, August 12th 2014.

There are times, I will be honest with you, when I sit here in my study and in front of my laptop and I truly struggle with whether to write about that which is on my heart.  And this is one such time.

This morning I learned of the sad demise of arguably one of the comedic geniuses of our age – Robin Williams.  And whilst it is certainly true that his work and the humor and joy which he imparted over the years will go on for many, many years to come – he himself is no longer with us.

And how did he die?  Was it as a result of old age?  Was it to Cancer? Leukemia? Or some other form of terminal illness?  I needed to know and so I checked the news reports. And the reports I read stated – “suspected suicide”.

How clearly those words leapt out from the screen of my laptop.  How deeply the tragic implication of them impacted my heart and my mind.

My heart truly goes out to Robin’s family and friends and indeed to anyone who has been impacted by his death, but my heart also cries out “when will this stop?”

I asked myself the question above “How did he die?  Was it as a result of old age?  Was it to Cancer? Leukemia? Or some other form of terminal illness?”  And in truth, I cannot help but wonder if in some ways – in some circumstances – severe depression doesn’t become a terminal illness in it’s own right?

I have personally experienced mental illness, poor mental health, for as long as I can remember and I have openly written about it for a very long time now.  But even as a mental health writer, even as a mental health awareness activist am I not also sometimes guilty of hiding my own mental health issues and the depth of impact that these can and do have on my own life?

And as a society, are we not still all too often – through a lack of compassion, through misunderstanding, through a lack of empathy, through ignorance, ridicule, judgmentalism, inappropriate and unjust humor, and the application of stigma, – guilty of driving those of us who suffer with poor mental health and with mental illness into secrecy and virtual isolation concerning their illnesses and the effects of those illnesses?

Spend an hour or two checking out the many personal blogs out there concerning mental health and mental illness and trust me you will find a wealth of excellent, inspirational, informative and educational information concerning mental health and mental illness.  But then try to find out who wrote each of them and you will soon see just how many of them – as a result of real or perceived necessity – are written anonymously.

Why?  Well for the very same reasons I mentioned above.

In truth I know very little of Robin Williams’s depression or indeed how it effected him and his life and in truth I know next to nothing of the things leading up to the tragic loss of him.  But how well I have known of Robin Williams’s work.  Of his humor and his joy. Yes, for years I have known of them.

And, since I am being so open and honest here, how well I have known the cold hard relentless taunting of suicidal thoughts. Yes, for years I have known of them also.

I am thankful, truly thankful, that I have reached a place in my life where I feel I can be so open and ‘out there’ about my mental health.  Likewise, I am thankful, so truly thankful, that I have a strong faith and folk in my life who are there for me when my mental health gets really bad.  And I am not for one minute suggesting that Robin did not have such a faith or folk in his life.

But I am saying that I do know so very well just how crushingly alone and crushingly hopeless depression can make you feel, regardless of having such support and love in your life and partly as a result (whether direct or indirect – I have no doubt) – of the attitude which still exists towards mental illness and mental health.

In truth I mourn the tragic loss of the man, the comedic genius, the loved one, who was Robin Williams.  But in truth I grieve even more that there is still such a stigma attached to mental illness and mental health.

And it is my fervent prayer that this will one day change forever and also that anyone who knows someone who suffers from mental illness and/or poor mental health will look beyond all the face-paint and masks and see the need all too often hidden and will reach out to them.  Because so very often – and I speak these words with absolute sincerity and out of personal experience – we don’t know how to take the face-paint and masks off.

So I end this post offering my deepest sympathy to the Williams family and offering you (the reader) almost the very words with which I started it….

The truth is that I am a clown – a clown who suffers from mental illness. And the truth is that any tears that I might shed might remove the face-paint and let you see – at least in part – beyond the happy mask that I wear and which you have become accustomed to – and seem to prefer or at least find more acceptable.  So instead, I just cry my tears within myself.

– Kevin A. Deane, August 12th 2014.

 

 

 

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Three

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Isolation, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Self-Doubt, Self-Harming, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy

Day 3: What treatment or coping skills are most effective for you?

Today’s subject (in this 30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge) is a very interesting one for me.

And once again it challenges me to think about the way in which I try to manage (and/or allow others to help me manage) my mental health/illnesses and the type and level of impact that it has on my life.

The question asks me to consider both ‘treatment’ and ‘coping skills’ which are or have been most effective.  And if I am truly honest I can offer very little in respect of ‘treatment’.

In my previous posts (within this challenge, and indeed elsewhere) I made mention of the long and drawn out journey that is often experienced before gaining a diagnosis.  And it is worth mentioning here perhaps – by way of encouragement to others undergoing this journey – that along side this (and very often coupled to this) there can often be a veritable roller coaster ride of different medications and treatments whilst they find the ones which are most effective.

Treatment

It is also worth mentioning – in the spirit of openness and honesty – that I personally am notoriously bad at taking my medication. And in fact – in terms of treatment (outside of medication) – the only other ‘official’ treatments that I have received in respect of my mental illnesses/health were many years ago and through…

a) the regular visits of a psychiatric social worker – who took me out and helped me to interact socially. and

b) a series of Cognitive Therapy Sessions which helped me to understand and come to terms with my mental illnesses.

That having been said both of these were, in my personal experience, extremely beneficial.

Which brings me to the subject of…

Coping skills.

For me personally, this is the most important part of managing my mental illnesses/health.  And over the years I have developed ‘coping’ several skills or techniques designed to (and fairly effective) in helping me manage my mental illnesses.  But in order to understand their benefits I guess I also need to give and indication of how my mental health works and also to identify the need or behavior which these coping skills are designed to address.

The way my mental health works (or indeed breaks) – according to your personal perspective.

I have long since recognized that I do not enjoy the same levels of mental health that many folk appear to have.  In truth the way my mind works and the impact that it has on my life has for as long as I can remember been different to my peers and other folk.  And in this I can’t remember a time when I can truly say I have enjoyed ‘normal’ mental health. (Although I totally struggle with the very concept of ‘normal’ mental health – but that’s a different rant for a different day perhaps.

What I do experience therefore is a baseline of mental health which ‘generally’ appears to be somewhat below that experienced by others and which at times either…

a) crashes into the deepest of depths of desperation and (self-targeted) destructive behavior,

b) enters into a state of chaos and confusion, and/or

c) encourages self-inflicted isolation.

These are – without doubt – the three most noticeable and most frequent results of my mental illnesses and are without doubt a fairly constant feature of my mental health varying only in the sequences in which they appear and indeed the speed and severity of their appearance.

So, in truth, my ‘coping skills‘ are designed to either a) limit the potential of these things happening or b) to limit the level of damage that they (or I as a result of them) can do to my life.

Positivity and Selectivity.

Over the years I have come to realize that negativity can, without doubt, have a very real and indeed a very harmful effect on my mental health.  Things which we are subjected to (or subject ourselves to) everyday can (I am convinced) have a very real impact on our thought-processes, moods, outlooks and attitudes.

Whereas some folk seem to have a protective layer over them which means that a lot of stuff simply doesn’t affect them I have come to understand that I am far more absorbent than that.  So I actively avoid negativity where possible.  I have in fact learned to be selective over what I allow to enter into my life.

This is in respect of many things, and I truly believe that you might be surprised if you sit and objectively consider what kind of affects certain everyday things might be having on your mental health.  I am therefore selective when it comes to such things as… The types of music I listen to.  The types of television programs that I watch.  The level of ‘news’ reports that I look at. The types of books that I read. The types of games that I play.  Even the content of social media that I allow myself to witness /see each and everyday.  And, I have to be honest here, the types of blogs which I follow and read. (Here’s an interesting exercise for you.  Do a positivity/negativity audit on the blogs and social media content you often read.  Consider how they could be effecting you.)

But the hardest of all of these, when it comes to selectivity, has to be the impact of those people who are part of our life – especially those closest and nearest and dearest to us.  In truth this one is the one I struggle with the most.  I am, I believe, very compassionate and caring and I want to be there for folk especially those who are suffering.  In fact, a s a Christian, the very faith that I hold so dear, requires me to be there for folk.

But, the plain fact of the matter is that some people can, by their attitudes and comments, be harmful to my mental health and I have had to be cautious, selective and realistic about allowing – or not allowing (as the case may be) harmful relationships to continue in my life and have (where attempts to explain the issues, address and change such relationships have failed) had to cut those relationships out of my life or at best limit my exposure to them.  Likewise I try to be very selective about taking ownership of some of the comments which can be thrown our way. Because they can also (as sad as it may seem) be part of the ‘stresses’ or ‘triggers’ which can affect our mental health.

Identifying Stresses and Triggers

Is, for me, another essential coping skill and is very closely related to the above section about Positivity and Selectivity.

There are, for me, certain subjects or topics, and especially (it seems) certain sites, sounds and smells even, which can immediately unsettle my mind and have a very real effect on my mental health.

One such example would be images or graphic details of self-harming.  These can immediately trigger very real and very unwanted and potentially destructive responses and thought processes in my mind.   But they are not the only things and are just one example of what I am talking about.  In fact, there are numerous stresses and triggers out there which can affect me.

So much so in fact that another example would be that I have to be very cautious about the kind of films that I watch.  And in fact I have even learned that, when I fall asleep watching the television, the content of television programs that I am listening to, if negative or violent,  whilst asleep or dozing off can seem to cause me to have nightmares.  As a result of this I generally only watch the comedy channel just before bed as I have come to learn that this is generally safe.

Order and Organization.

Would, without doubt, be one of the biggest coping skills that I have developed over the years.

One of the biggest impacts that my mental illnesses have on my life is the chaos and confusion that can often result from my mental health crashing.  Chaos and confusion which, it has to be said, often leads to weeks and even months of having to repair what has been done (or indeed has not been done but should have been done) during the period of the crash.  And by this I mean things such as – medication not being taken, bills and payments not being paid, relationships not being nurtured.

But it also goes so much beyond that.  I have also noticed that the less ordered and organized my life and my immediate environments (home, work area etc) are the more easily my mental health can crash and the harder it can be to repair things and get back to a level of ‘normality’ (there’s that word again) when I eventually come out of the crash.

Now don’t get me wrong here. I am not analy retentive when it comes to order and organization – although I do also have OCD which means I can be somewhat particular about certain things. But I do find that a neat and tidy house and work space does improve my mental health or at least reduce the effect other factors have on it.

Realistic and Objective Self-Assessment.

This, for me personally, has to be one of the biggest coping skills and indeed one of the biggest needs.

There is a conflict, which can exist, when we experience poor mental health.  The conflict between the need to cope, the desire to be independent and respected, and the desire to be reliable with the realization that sometimes we just can’t cope, just have to depend on others and sometimes are just not able to be reliable.

In the experience of my own mental illnesses/health, there is no one regular pattern when it comes to how it is experienced or presents itself.  And in truth, whilst I am fortunate enough to be able to cope and have a fairly ‘normal’ existence on some level or another most of the time, the ‘crashes’ can either be sudden or gradual.

So being self-aware (when possible) of my own mental health and being extremely realistic and objective concerning it can be essential to preventing a decline in it, a further crash or indeed to limiting the potential damage it can do.

And this brings me to the last coping skill I shall share in what has already become a fairly long post…

Openness, Honesty and Trust.

Directly linked to the skill mentioned above ‘Realistic and Objective Self-Assessment‘ the ability to be open, and honest about the state of my mental health has been essential to my ability to manage my mental health.

On one level even the ability to blog about my mental health has and is extremely beneficial to my mental health.  The thought that I might be helping others gives suffering my mental health issues some form of positivity, some resultant goodness perhaps. But more than that it also allows me to get to the ‘outside’ that which is or was previously trapped ‘inside’.  This in itself opens conversation and dialogue – which is in my experience in the main healthy and which can assist us in seeing our mental illnesses or the experiences resulting from them in different ways and from differing perspectives.

But on a much closer, deeper and more intimate level having people in your life who are willing to at least try to understand (that which very often we ourselves don’t fully understand) and with whom we can be open and honest can, in my opinion, be essential to coping (and even at times surviving) our mental illnesses.

And by this I mean open and honest not only in what we share with them but also in what they share with us.  One of the saddest and most detrimental (excuse the pun) effects of mental illness is the isolation that it can often create – either as a result of self-doubt, resultant lack of self-worth, the stigma that is all too often and all too wrongly attached, or because of the confusion and havoc it can sometimes bring.

Having folk in our life who are aware of, and whom we can share with is, essential and just as importantly folk who will not only try to understand but who will; support us, lovingly challenge us, inspire us, encourage us and also who will hold us accountable for our own actions and our own management of our mental illnesses and resultant behaviors is, in my experience and opinion absolutely essential.

I am convince that this objectivity which I mentioned above and which is directly in play here.  And on that note I end with this one thought…

In my experience and opinion, one of the most effective skills we can have when it comes to coping, is being able to a) recognize and admit to those times and those areas in which we are not able to cope and b) reach out to folk who will; safely, compassionately and realistically help us get to or get back to a place where we can.

30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge – Day Two

Tags

30 Day Challenge, Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, DID, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts

Day 2: How do you feel about your diagnosis?

Well it is day two of my 30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge and since I only posted Day One’s posting very lat last night/very early this morning I feel like this is the second posting that I have written today.

But the truth is that I am very keen to try to do one of these every day for the next 30 days and so today’s posting is in line with that objective.

Today’s subject or question is “How do you feel about your diagnosis?” and it is a very important question isn’t it?

If I am honest (and certainly one of my objectives in this blog is always to be open and honest) I have mixed feelings concerning the diagnoses that I have received.

In my previous post I touched upon the difficulties experienced in even gaining a diagnosis and this – to some degree or another – has no doubt impacted my feelings concerning the diagnoses that I have received in respect of my mental health.

Having waited so long for a diagnosis (or set of diagnoses) which seem to ‘fit’ – or at least be readily acceptable to the most recent mental health practitioner in a long line of ever changing mental health practitioners that I have seen over the years – it (or they) are something which at least provide some form of identification, some form of label.  And for that I am grateful as it also means that I could personally research my mental conditions and disorders and gain from other people’s knowledge and experiences.  (After all isn’t that one of the fundamental reasons why I blog about my mental health?  In the hope that others may benefit from my knowledge and experiences.)

And yet that can appear a little strange can’t it? (As my mind seems to wander off down one of it’s many and all too frequent side journeys)  I mean, how many of us dislike having labels or being identified purely by a label?  I know that I do and/or have in the past!

There can be a conflict there can’t there?  A conflict between a ‘need to know’ and a desire to ‘not be known by’ or ‘limited by’ such a label or labels.

I am 52 years old now and the fact is that I truly believe (whilst I admit that cannot remember much of my early childhood) that I have experienced poor mental health or mental illness (depending on your preference of approach) for most if not all of my life.

Certainly, just like in my adulthood, I experienced in my childhood and youth thoughts and voices which seem to encourage me to think (and often to act) in ways which seemed so very different to my peers.  As an adult (and having a lifetime of experience and at least some understanding behind me) I have developed coping skills and management techniques to deal with said thoughts and voices and also have a very good support network to help me deal with my mental health issues.  But sadly none of these were available in my childhood or youth.

Why?  Well my being 52 years old is perhaps the biggest clue to the answer to that question.  I grew up in a time when mental illness was seen so very differently to how it is seen today.  (Although even today it seems we have a long way to go before we globally adopt a healthy approach and understanding of it)#

Children with mental health issues were (it is, I believe, true to say) seen as some sort of blot on the character of the parents.  They were seen as being damaged, defective, and the level of stigma which was attached to mental illness was incredible.

Additionally mental illness and poor mental health was not as understood as it is today.  For example, I am fairly confident making the statement that such things as ADD or ADHD were extremely rare and even unheard of back when I was born. In fact I think that it didn’t even become a recognized condition in America until the late 60’s.

Because of this I learned to hide or mask my conditions as best I could and additionally the resultant attitudes and behaviors from my mental health were sadly often seen (and trust me very much dealt with) as simple rebelliousness or  bad behavior.

I do sometimes reflect on past relationships with family or friends or the authority figures one experiences through my life and wonder how differently things might have turned out had I not hidden or masked my mental illness or had others known and understood them better?  In fact only yesterday one of the pastors of the church I attend, in delivering the teaching, made the following statement…

Many people arrive in the kingdom of God, who have experienced; great hurt, damage, rejection, trauma and some even devastation in their lives. Such experiences can have a negative outcome on a person’s life, leaving them impaired and hindered and stopping them from reaching their full potential.

And this statement (and indeed the whole teaching – an audio recording of which, if you are interested, can be found here,) led me to a lot of personal reflection.  But it is that conflict, which I mentioned above – “A conflict between a ‘need to know’ and a desire to ‘not be known by’ or ‘limited by’ such a label or labels.” which explain and make understandable my having masked and hidden my mental illness or poor mental health for so long and which still bring me to my mixed feelings concerning my diagnoses.

Yes, I have mental illnesses and yes these often impact of influence or even at times control the way I think or act at times but I am so much more than just my mental illnesses or poor mental health and I truly believe to allow others to see me, or even to see myself, only by those diagnoses or those labels would be so incredibly wrong and so incredibly damaging.

And this leads me to want to share the following videos from Youtube which speaks into this very issue…

Now let me be very clear here.  I personally would not go as far as the above video seems to want to go.  I personally believe that diagnosing mental health disorders in a person – young or old – can often be essential to providing them with the right medication, treatment, and support. Providing that this process is not allowed to become limiting or debilitating or harmful to that person and providing said diagnosis or diagnoses are not allowed to become restrictive labels!

And on that note let me share the other video from Youtube which I wanted to share and felt very relevant to this subject…

And I close (apologies for the length of this post – but I am extremely passionate about this subject) on this final thought.  I experience poor mental health and have mental illnesses.  They are, I fully accept, a significant part of who I am.  But I am so much more than them!  Likewise I am a Christian and that is very much a significant part of who I am.

Some people, it seems, are threatened or uncomfortable as a result of my admitting to my mental illnesses.  But then it could also be said that some people, it seems, are threatened or uncomfortable by my admitting to being a Christian.  And actually, some Christians are, it seems, threatened or uncomfortable with the idea that a Christian can even experience poor mental health or have mental illnesses.

But for me to deny either one would be a lie.

In truth I am truly sorry if my faith or my mental illnesses, and for that matter especially my faith despite my mental illnesses, threatens you or makes you uncomfortable.  But I invite you to look beyond your preconceptions and my labels and get to know me for who I am.  To look beyond the labels.

 

The “Outside In” Plot. (That Which Threatens My Isolation).

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Isolation, Paranoid Schizophrenia

Introduction:

If I am honest I am not, at this point of my writing this, totally sure if I am doing so by way of an announcement that I am aware of what is going on/what I think is going on OR, as the case may well be, by way of my verbalizing – and thus processing – what seems to be going on at the moment.

The Plot:

But there is, or so it seems to me – divine or otherwise – a plot to make me socialize more.

A plot – if you will – to bring the outside in and/or to make me spend more time outside.

Now whether it be a token of my grumpy old git status (which I am more than happy to have – in a relatively grumpy kind of way) or by way of my Aspergers but the truth is that I much prefer my usual state virtual of isolation.

That having been said I am not currently, of course, a complete hermit.

(Unlike the soul in this wonderful picture by Rhys Griffiths. Which I found over at Art-Spire),

I do in fact go out occasionally.  I go to a mid-week Bible Study and of course to Church on a Sunday. (Woohoo aren’t I the veritable party animal?)

And if pressed I even have been known to go shopping every now and then.  Although online shopping is, I must confess, my preferred source of groceries and the such.

But of late I have noticed a very real and very definite trend in folk trying to get me outside, and even folk coming in into my world – my safe little bubble which I call home.

The Problem with the Plot:

Don’t people understand that we ‘Aspies’ like – or at very least seem to prefer –  isolation?  Even if it is not, as is suggested by many folk, good for us?

Heck even as a young man – back when I hid my mental health – I lived in a flat on the top of a very tall seaside building and would – much to the confusion and frustration of my wife – come home from work and close the curtains.  Thereby shutting out the world and yes even the picturesque sea-side views. Not to mention a wonderful view of an old church.

 

 

 

 

From whence does this plot come?

Primarily, it seems, it is coming from my family (and I include some of my church family in that as co-conspirators.  They who love me and who know – whilst I am of course reluctant to admit it – that actually I am better off socializing and that isolating is not at all good for me.

Of course I do also accept that the plot might be divinely inspired.  Hey I am a Christian and would not a loving heavenly Father also want for me to socialize more if it was good for me?

Hm. My name is Kevin and so I am, at very least, a name-sake of Saint Kevin who was a religious hermit who lived in Glendalough – not many miles away from where I live.

I wonder if I could claim religious hermitage and foil the plot?  OK Perhaps not.

And therewithin lies the essential question doesn’t it?  “Should I even be trying to foil the plot?”

Doing what is best verses what is easiest:

IF, and I emphasize that at this point it is still an if, I am better when I do not isolate, and indeed and better off when I socialize, then why do we “Aspies” (as the following video demonstrates) prefer isolation and solitude?

And are we – by choosing isolation and solitude – simply finding a simpler and more convenient solution (an avoidance even) to a much more complicated problem?

As a Christian, I want to do God’s will.  And whilst I may have joked (above) about religious or faith-based isolation, the truth is that I do not for one minute believe it to be God’s will for me.  So whilst Bible Study groups and Church may not be my most comfortable places to be I do still go to them.

Likewise, as a Father I know that isolation and solitude are not good for my children and so do not encourage it in them.

And (as one of my daughters pointed out this morning) why would I myself do what I wouldn’t encourage them to do?  Hm. It Can be so annoying having smart kids sometimes 🙂

The Conclusion:

So being sociable is not my natural preferred state.  Isolation is my safe harbor. But if it is not good for me and defeats the purpose of my being then I must fight my natural preferred state and indeed try to accommodate, learn and accept a new state.

But isolation provides security and seclusion.  It removes many of the stressors to my mental health and affords me the seclusion to hide my mental health -especially when it is bad.  Stepping out from that – or even allowing others to step inside my secluded harbor is scary!

Yes, I often write about my mental health and even share the worst of it – the bad episodes etc.  But I do so retrospectively and behind the security of the screen. A virtual sharing if you will. But to actually open up in “real time” so to speak is very scary indeed.

And yet is that not love?  Does not love require openness, vulnerability, trust?

So yes, I will comply – albeit reluctantly and very prayerfully – with this plot and see where it leads.  LOL Not that I am promising it will be an easy ride or that I will go quietly.  BUT I will at least try.

The Inside Out Disconnection.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Distorted Perceptions, Faith, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Self-Harming

Sometimes, or so it seems to me, I have difficulties getting what is on the inside out to the outside.

Now, having just typed that statement, I freely accept that there are some – who know me beyond just words on a screen – who would be hard-pressed to believe I could ever struggle to get what is on the inside out into the outside.

In other words I accept freely that I am perhaps not always known for my diplomacy and tact 🙂

But what you see isn’t always what is truly happening now is it?

Indeed, for those of us who struggle with self-harming, one of the statements you will often hear in response to the question “why?” will be based around the need to actually “feel” something or “see” something tangible.  To somehow “feel” or “see” what is “trapped inside” actually coming out in one way or another.

And trust me that is a very negative web and thought process.  It really is short-term gain leading to long-term pain.

But for some of us who suffer with mental health issues that whole process of getting what is inside to come out to the outside can be a virtual minefield.

Firstly there is the whole issue of trust (or lack thereof) that is going on inside of us sometimes.

Do we really trust what we perceive to  be happening?

Can we really trust our own thoughts?

And even if we do trust them, can we really trust the person we are speaking with to actually understand them let alone respect them?

And trust me the severity or level of impact of such questions can vary according to what state our mind – or even our lives – are in at any given time.  Folk who, like me, struggle with voices and negative (often-times harmful) internal dialogues and who are therefore subject to stressful or difficult ‘episodes’ are far less likely to trust when in or when having just come out of such an episode than we are when things have been fairly good – And this is totally understandable isn’t it?

The difficulty is however, the more you experience such episodes the more they (and the resultant lack of trust) become the ‘norm’ and so that lack of trust can grow like a cancer in your life.

I found this wonderful illustration by an artist called “jollyself” over on the templates.com blog .

For me it so encapsulates the passion and yet the tragedy that is the disconnect that I am talking about between the inside and the outside for some of those of us who suffer with mental health issues.

In it I see both that disconnect and indeed the artificial, unreal, nature of how we perceive our own thoughts our own perceptions to be sometimes.

Over the past few days I have been struggling with these. Struggling to keep my mind focused.  Fighting to keep a grasp on the real and to not give way to those harmful, negative, self-sabotaging thoughts.

So why am I writing this post?

Is it because I am feeling defeated? Not not at all!

I recognize the struggle (and in many ways the need to express  and even explain – especially to those who love me and who will read this post – just where I am right now.

But I am certainly not yet at the point of feeling defeated.

Nor, just for the record, am I at a point of mania. Heck I am far to tired and physically weak to enter into a manic episodes right now.

No, I am writing this post right now because not only do I need to explain – to those who love me and who will be reading this post – just where I am at the moment but more importantly to try to offer some hope to others who may be going through such thoughts and feelings.

You see I know this ‘disconnect’ so very well. I know it’s methods, its nature and it’s potential outcome.  But what is more I know it’s lies, it’s falsehoods and its trickery. And what is more I know that it can be defeated!

The truth is that this disconnect, this break between the inside and the outside is not real.

It is a corrupted perception as a result of the thought processes my mind is throwing up at the moment.  And when that happens we need to cling on to the real.  To remove our focus from the unstable and focus on the stable.

As a mental health sufferer finding that stability can be so very difficult can’t it?

But I am a Christian and as a Christian mental health sufferer I know something which, someone who will always remain stable.  And that is the Lord.  And it is on the Lord that I build my confidence and my strength.

So if you, like me, are struggling at the moment – I encourage you to hold on – there is hope.  And I encourage you to pray.  God is bigger than our mental health and His love – through Christ His son – is so very real.  And nothing,  not even our mental health issues – if we truly call to Him – can separate us from that love.

 

 

 

Pressing On!

Tags

& M.E., Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obesity, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Relationships

I saw this beautiful and yet sad picture over on FootSoldiers4Christ and it really impacted me!

I wonder what you see when you look at this picture?

A beautiful butterfly struggling with a rock?

A rock limiting a beautiful butterfly?

Is it a half glass empty v glass half full kind of question.  Incidentally my normal answer to the question, “what do you say when you see a glass containing only half the amount of liquid it can contain – a) glass half empty or b) glass half full?”  Is c) “Ok. which one of you scamps pinched half my drink?”

Actually the name of the above picture is “What is dragging you down?”  Which I think kind of answers my question – at least in terms of what the person naming the picture thought.

So I ask that question next – what is dragging you down?

I have had a really wonderful day today.  My son and his partner helped me with a big job that needed doing today and I am so grateful to them for doing so.  But all through the day – despite the fact that our efforts were proceeding well and any obstacle encountered was moved or a way found around it (thank you Lord) – I have personally struggled.

Mentally I struggled with the voices and the negative internal dialogues.  Physically I struggled with my health, the heat, my leg, and indeed my weight.  These things were dragging me down, although I did what I could to hide it. 

I also, along with much prayer, did what I  could to fight through them and by the grace of God was able to.

So that is what I see when I see this picture.  Neither a beautiful butterfly struggling with a rock nor a rock limiting a beautiful butterfly.

NO what I see is a beautiful butterfly taking flight despite the thing that tries to hinder it.

And that is my encouragement for each and every one of my readers today. “Yes we all have things which seem to drag us down or seek to limit us.  But we don’t have to give in to them.“

I am blessed, extremely blessed to have a strong faith and a personal relationship with Christ.  Through that and through the loving support of my brothers and sisters in Christ – especially at the church I attend (Wxccc) I gain; strength, encouragement, support and determination to go on.

So, as I make ready to turn in for the night, I leave you with that encouragement and with this adaptation of that wonderful picture…

 

Keep On Keeping On!

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal

Well it has been a while since my last post and, as I was reminded, is probably way past time I posted an update 🙂

I have, as many of you will no doubt know, been having some serious issues with my leg and have been trying to get treatment for it and in the meantime have been ordered to keep it elevated as much as possible.  Additionally the heatwave that we have been experiencing has only served to complicate matters – although I am delighted for all those who, unlike me, actually enjoy the heat 🙂

But having to keep my leg elevated has seriously impacted how much time I have been able to spend at my desk and at the computer and is partly responsible for my lack of posting recently.

The other reason for my lack of posting has been that what time I have been able to spend at the computer has been dedicated to getting some of my books edited and published. 

I have been so touched, encouraged and in many ways humbled by the positive feedback that these are receiving and this has inspired me to wanting to get the series finished and out there so to speak.  And I now have 9 books in the series out there on Amazon in paperback and kindle format – which is so encouraging, and I am now currently working on the 10th book whenever I am able. 🙂

In respect of my leg – or as I recently found out – my legs, since it seems that the other leg is also affected but to a much lesser and hardly noticeable level, I am still – despite my best efforts – awaiting news about when the treatment will start.  Although I do have an appointment at the Foot Health Center on Friday which is at least something positive.  

Mentally I find that my mind has been fairly tormented of late and that I am zoning in and out of depressive states more frequently.  BUT the blessings are still there and thankfully, although tough to handle, these episodes have not been too lengthy.  I never ceased to be amazed at how much God and my faith have brought me through and whilst the battle continues I know that I do not fight alone. 

So there you have it, my update.  I cannot say that things have not been tough as they have been.  But what is more important is the fact that despite this I am still able to achieve things and that I know I am not alone in it all.

So my encouragement to you all, “No mater how hard it gets, keep on keeping on!”

Another 11 Days

Tags

Lymphedema, Mental Health, Mental Illness

Just a quick update on my last posting. The appointment I had scheduled for Monday was cancelled due to illness on the part of the person I am meant to be seeing.

I heard this morning that the next appointment (which is now booked for me) isn’t until the 28th of this month.

So now it is just a waiting game.

I will let you all know what happens.

My Grace is Sufficient For You.

Tags

Bipolar Disorder, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal

I haven’t been posting very much lately and I apologize for that but I promise you there have been good reasons and not least of them being that I have needed to keep my leg elevated.  So sitting at my desk has been difficult and limited.

It is Friday evening and I am so very tired.  Sleeping has been so very difficult of late for several different reasons.  Even so I am trying to remain positive and to ‘keep on keeping on’ as they say.

Yesterday was my birthday and I really did have a pleasant day.  My son and his partner came over and bought me probably one of the most thoughtful presents I have ever received – which I am going to keep secret for the time being but will share about in a later post some time down the line.

I managed to keep my birthday a secret from most folks – which always pleases me – and I also managed to get some personal correspondence written. It has been on my mind to write it for some time now but things kept seeming to get in the way.

In my last post “Days of The Crows” I explained how the voices have been at me of late.  I mentioned some of the misunderstandings, falsehoods and the such that have been upsetting me but what I didn’t mention was the underlying environment in which this has all happened.  Mostly because I needed to get my head into a place where I could rationally talk about it.

Regular readers will know that I have for some years now suffered from extremely poor health and as a result of this (well mostly as a result of this) have had a constant battle with my weight.  The more regular reader will know that I also have a condition in my leg which make it swell up from time to time and then go down and stay relatively down (and relatively normal) at other times.

Over the past few months however I have noticed that it has not been going down and in fact has remained constantly swollen.  Over the past 10 days or so not only has the leg been swollen – far more than usual – but the foot on that leg has also become swollen – so much so that even if I can managed to struggle and force my shoe on it I can’t do the thing up.

Additionally the skin in one area at least (I can’t see all of the leg) is starting to break down, which I was warned is the early signs of atrophy and which could very well be the beginning of the end for that leg and might lead to amputation.

I don’t even know how fast that process happens once it has started.

It’s a very scary thought isn’t it?

I mean I try to do all that I can – I have been applying the moisturizer where I can – (not only can I not see all the leg I also can’t reach it all) but whilst the skin damage is still (I hope) in the early stage, it does mean that the breaking down process has begun.  Which, trust me, is both very scary and very worrying.

Apart from one or two close friends at church (and I do mean only one or two) an of course my kids/family, I have not been able to speak about this up until now as somehow the more you speak about it the more real it becomes.  But over the past day or so I have decided that not speaking about it isn’t fair.

I had promised – when starting this blog – that I would, within reason, be honest and open in my writing and who knows there may be others out there who are going through the same thing.

The good news is (and yes I always try to see the good no matter how bad things appear) that I have an appointment on Monday and will be able to get some expert advice on it and I am hoping and praying (and yes please do pray if you have a faith) that the prognosis will not be as bad as my mind thinks (and the voices say) it is.

The truth is however that I just don’t know an will not know until Monday.  But even so, I do have my faith and I do get such strength from that.

And I know that whatever happens He will bring me through this!

I probably won’t be posting much over the weekend but hopefully that is just because I am being sensible.  I can post from my iPhone and of course answer comments but if honest I find that difficult and so will probably only answer the occasional comments from there.

But whatever happens I will post on or around Monday and let you know how I got on.  Until then remember God is good and I have absolute faith in Him and in His love.