About


About Voices of Glass.

A deep, dark, damp cellar exists beyond your reach.

In the middle of this deep, dark. damp cellar sits an old rough wooden high-backed chair.

On the chair, bound and gagged, sits a small frightened boy.  He is cold and shivering, naked, and blindfolded.

In the deep, damp, all-consuming darkness he sees nothing and yet all too well he knows those piercing bloody eyes look upon him and within him.

All around him sinister voices call out to him.  Voices that call out to him with jeers and accusations.  Call out to him with lies and humiliations.  Call out to him with hatred and degradation. Voices that cut into his very soul like shards of glass.

Too afraid to call back, too tired to struggle, too lost to reason, he sits there frightened, cold, shivering and naked.

His skin scarred by the cuts he places upon himself in order to feel.  His heart scarred by the cuts of the sinister voices that shatter the silence of his solitude.

This was a true story.  This was my story.  Or should I more honestly say this IS a true story. this IS my story.

You see in reality, at least the reality that you and I share, I am no longer that small frightened boy for I have grown now.  Now I am a father and a man.

And yet what of the reality that you and I do NOT share?  What of the reality that is my mental illness?

The cellar – that deep, dark, damp cellar – is my mind.

The darkness – that deep, damp, all-consuming darkness – is my mental illness.

The small boy – that small, naked, cold, frightened, shivering, boy – is the me who never truly had the freedom to grow as he was meant to be.

The eyes – those sinister, bloody piercing eyes, – are the eyes of those who hurt and damaged and misunderstood, mislabeled, mistreated, and rejected the child I was.

The voices – those jeering, accusing, lying, humiliating, hating and degrading voices of glass that cut deep into me – my paranoid schizophrenia.

The scars – those deep, aching, searing, reminding, punishing, and yet releasing scars – on the canvas that is my skin well they come and they go, they fade and are renewed, but on my heart they burn relentlessly.

No this may not be a reality that you and I share, or even one you could possibly begin to understand or comprehend, unless I dare to let you see it sometimes, but it is still a reality, my reality.

No, I am no longer that small frightened boy for yes I have grown now.  Now I am a father and a man.  But do not presume that this reality that you and I do not share no longer exists.  For exist it does within my nightmares and my fears and yes even within the places I go to when that darkness finds me in my days, consuming me drawing me back to that place where I never should have been and never want to go.

And yet a place that I so desperately need to understand if I am ever going to conquer and escape it for ever.

This blog – this place of desired openness and freedom – is but a journal written in the reality you and I share of the journey that I hope to make in conquering the reality that you and I can never truly share.

And what of Christ?

Does He truly belong in this reality that you and I share can He even enter the reality that you and I can never truly share?

Yes He does and yes He can and yes He did.  For without Him that reality would be dead, dead like the small child it grew within.  And I am convinced that without him there will be no conquering, no light and no freedom.

Ransom Note

Ransom Note

So there you have it.  An introduction into my reality and an introduction to why this blog and what I hope to achieve from it.

You are welcome to come along for the ride, part of it or indeed all of it, well that which I am willing or able to share with you.  You are even welcome to contribute and comment.

All I ask is that you take care in your participation.  Care not only for me, and indeed that small boy whom you have already met at least in part, but also for yourself.  I will value your contributions if I am able to receive them as loving, caring, constructive, comments and contributions and will publish them.  If however I am not able to receive them as such, I will not publish or share them and they will simply be rejected – probably only finding their voice within the darkness we have already spoken of.

About The Author.

I have over the past few days been surfing the blogosphere and looking at different blogger’s blogs.

Man there are some really good ones out there and yes sadly there are some really bad ones out there too.  But then again it is all subjective isn’t it and for all I know you may think that this is a really bad blog.

But one of the things that I didn’t notice about a lot of the good blogs is that they had a page telling the reader about the blog’s author.  Although I also noticed that due to the way in which mental illness is treated many bloggers choose to share pieces of information about themselves whilst still remaining anonymous.

Thankfully  or sadly (depending on your perspective) I am in a position where I have very little to lose as a result of people knowing who I am and so who you see is who I am.

So, since I thought having a page sharing a bit about who was writing this blog was a good idea, here is my page telling you about me….

Only problem is I really dislike having to describe or introduce myself.  So with that in mind please accept the following as all I can muster at this time…

Name……………………….. Kevin

Age…………………………… It changes every year 🙂  Ok so I am around the 50 mark
at the time of my typing this.

Gender……………………..  Male

Location…………………….  Ireland

Nationality………………… British

Marital Status…………….. Separated with no intention of reconciliation.

Health Status……………… Not great.

Children……………………. Tons of them. Some adopted and one biologically mine.

Faith…………………………  Christian

Employment Status…….   I was retired from working several years ago on medical
grounds.

Interests……………………  Reading – Mainly christian books, biographies, true to life stories.

………………………………..  Writing – Mainly poetry, novels, blogs, bible studies, plays.

………………………………..  Art – I enjoy most forms of art and I draw, sketch, sculpt, and paint.

………………………………… Music – I enjoy most music especially, Christian, classical and ballads.

Preferences…………….

Thunderstorms or Sunshine?          Thunderstorms.

Fields or Seas?                                        Seas – The ocean, rivers and streams

Bridges or Tunnels?                             Bridges.  Especially old ones.

Night or Day?                                          Night – They are more relaxing.

Winter or Summer?                             Fall – Yeah I know it wasn’t one of the choices but hey it is my page.

Candles or Scents?                               Candles but not the smell of candles that have just been snubbed out

Cats or Dogs?                                          Dogs rather than cats.

Sunshine or Moonlight?                     Moonlight – It is more relaxing and more romantic.

Apples or Oranges?                              Bananas (Again my page my rules)

Adventure Movie or Chick Flick? Chick Flick – Yeah I know I am a guy but hey I just prefer them.

Fast or slow Music?                             Slow and meaningful

Crunchy or smooth PB                      Crunchy Peanut Butter all the way except when using it in cooking.

Tea or Coffee?                                       Cappuccino  Haha It a kind of coffee so it still counts LOL

Advertisements

50 thoughts on “About”

  1. Clear, informative, simple. Could I send you some e-hugs?

  2. Many hugs for you! I remember when I was a child, I wrote a poem about the girl in the woods. It was so much like this. The woods was the symbolism of how far removed from myself I was. It was a foreign place with no escape And, I was left alone there, naked, freezing, and scared. Faceless voices would call out to me. Most of the time, I couldn’t make out what they were saying. It was a jumble of noise in my head, like they were in there, but somewhere far away. But, occasionally, there was the one voice that would speak over them all. And that voice claimed to be me. I knew it was me. I knew it was a part of my own consciousness that was inside, perpetrating evils onto my own mind. Distorting my own reality. Except, I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t anymore.

    Now, I’m confused by my own diagnosis. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have been thrown around with no definitive diagnosis. What differentiates your voices from my own?

    • Hi Lulu,

      Do you still have the poem you wrote about the girl in the woods by any chance? I ask not only because of my passion for poetry but also because it might provide some interesting insights.

      In respect of your confusion concerning your own diagnosis I am hoping that my previous response in respect to psychosis experienced alongside other conditions will help a little and in respect of the differentiation between our voices I am again hoping that my other responses with throw some light on the subject for you.

      Kind regards,

      Kevin.

  3. I know I have it in a physical copy. I wrote it years before PC’s were a household staple. I’d have to sift through my old poetry book and type it. Poetry used to be my passion, but I can’t keep my head straight long enough to produce anything of value. If I do produce anything like it, it’s not really in the right format to quailfy as poetry.

    I’ll flag this for follow-up so I hopefully remember to get a copy out to you.

  4. I wanted to leave you a congrats! I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award!

    • boldkevin said:

      Hi Lulu,

      That really is so very kind of you. I have just returned home from spending the day at one of my regular hospital appointments and have to admit that I am absolutely exhausted and this was such wonderful news to come home to.

      Again thank you so very much
      Hope you are ok.

      Kevin.

  5. You’ve earned it! Your writing has changed my perspective in so many ways. I am doing well. More importantly, how are you? I’ve been working on blocking out some time to get through your posts. They are important and demand my full attention.

  6. Valene Venegas said:

    Hello, is your website having any troubles lately? I had to refresh the page about 2 times before the 404 error went away and I was able to read this post!

    • boldkevin said:

      Hi Valene,

      Not sure what happened there. As far as I know the website and blog site are both running fine but if you continue to have problems please do let me know.
      Sorry for any troubles you have had with it.
      Kind Regards.

      Kevin

  7. It’s great to find an expert who can explain thngis so well

  8. Hi Kevin. I have nominated you for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award. 🙂 Check it out on my post http://infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/it-made-my-day/ CONGRATULATIONS! 😀

    • Hi Cate,
      That really is so very kind of you. Please forgive the shortness of this reply but I am curently sat with my leg propped up as it swelled up again yesterday and I am using my tablet to read blogs and comments and tyoing on this thing with my big hands is not easy.

      I will I promise respond more fully once my leg has improved and I am allowed to return to my study and sit at my desk again.
      Hope you are well.
      Kind Regards and God bless you.
      Kevin,

      • Don’t apologise. It is perfectly okay and I’m just sad for you that you are having more problems. I hope it clears quickly. Meanwhile take care.

  9. Hi Kevin, Congratulations! I have broken the rules, because rules are made to be broken, and awarded you an honorary Sisterhood of The World Bloggers Award. 🙂 It’s possible that members of the Sisterhood might object but that’s just too bad. YOu can check it out on my post http://infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com/2012/08/10/seven-plus-seven/
    Cate 🙂

  10. north face clearance said:

    I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you make this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you? Plz answer back as I’m looking to design my own blog and would like to find out where u got this from. thanks a lot

    • Hi north.

      Wasn’t sure if your comment was legitimate or just a vehicle for advertizing as it turned up in my spam folder.

      As always, just to be safe, I have removed the attached web-link, and can tell you that no I designed the site myself.

      Kind Regards and God bless you.
      Kevin.

  11. Really Great Web Site Pages Ya Built Here!! Very Educational Subject For A Blog Keep Up The Great Work!

  12. Hi Kevin,

    Regrettably, we share a great deal in the way of what MHP might call “symptoms”…Anyhow, what I want to share with you is a poem about forgiveness, which all of us with symptoms, or mental illness problems, or really any person who has lived a life on earth needs.
    I hope it means something to you. You can find it and many other poems on schizophrenia and mental illness in WE MAD CLIMB SHAKY LADDERS (CavanKerry Press, 2009) at Amazon or can order it through any bookstore.

    I send my best to you, and I really mean it.

    Pam W.

    TO FORGIVE IS…

    to begin
    and there is so much to forgive:
    for one, your parents, one and two,
    out of whose dim haphazard coupling
    you sprang forth roaring, indignantly alive.
    For this, whatever else followed,
    innocent and guilty, forgive them.
    If it is day, forgive the sun
    its white radiance blinding the eye;
    forgive also the moon for dragging the tides,
    for her secrets, her half heart of darkness;
    whatever the season, forgive it its various
    assaults — floods, gales, storms
    of ice — and forgive its changing;
    for its vanishing act, stealing what you love
    and what you hate, indifferent,
    forgive time; and likewise forgive
    its fickle consort, memory, which fades
    the photographs of all you can’t remember;
    forgive forgetting, which is chaste
    and kinder than you know;
    forgive your age and the age you were
    when happiness was afire in your blood
    and joy sang hymns in the trees;
    forgive, too, those trees, which have died;
    and forgive death for taking them,
    inexorable as God; then forgive God
    His terrible grandeur, His unspeakable
    Name; forgive, too, the poor devil
    for a celestial fall no worse than your own.
    When you have forgiven whatever is of earth,
    of sky, of water, whatever is named,
    whatever remains nameless,
    forgive, finally, your own sorry self,
    clothed in temporary flesh,
    the breath and blood of you
    already dying.
    Dying, forgiven, now you begin.

    ©Pamela Spiro Wagner 2006

    • Hi Pamela,

      Thank you so very much for following my blog and for taking time to comment and to share your poem with me.

      I am quite keen on poetry and actually write and publish my own poetry. You can find it on Deep From Within in case you are interested.

      I really enjoyed your poem, although it is of a different style to my own rather simplistic attempts, and yes it did indeed mean something to me.

      I have bookmarked and started following your blog and when I have finished working on my own books I intended to purchase a copy of yours. Pl;ease forgive the delay in that but I have a policy of not reading other books whilst I am writing or editing my own so as not to inadvertently adopt anyone else’s style of writing and this had meant my “to be read” pile is already too large lol

      So again thank you for sharing with me and please feel free to comment at any time 🙂

      Kind Regards and God bless you.
      Kevin

      • Hi kevin,

        All is understood! Glad you liked poem, that was the important thing. I always found it helped me to be “influenced” by other poets, actually. I learned from hearing their many and varied voices and reading them is how i taught myself how to write poetry. It is very difficult to learn to do anything in a vacuum… We learn by imitating others first in everything we do; why should it be different in writing? Anyhow i have a firm conviction that if you read many poets and many poems, you will develop your own voice anyway, but that you will only become richer by reading what and how others write what they write… And there are so many incredible poets out there esp in the uk… Well, enough of that. I hope you are having a good day/ evening. TTFN pam

        • Hi Pamela

          Yes I did like the poem thank you for sharing it. I think in respect of being influenced, each to their own is my perspective on it.

          To clarify, as I think there may have been some misunderstanding here, I do read a great deal of literary works including poetry I simply choose not to whilst I am writing or editing my own work. It is a personal choice and I am sure you can respect my right to make that choice just as you reserve the right to do things your way.

          Imitation is of course something that we learn at an early age and a vehicle through which we learn at an early age, but that is of course as a result of our not being able to fully formulate our own directions and ideas at that age and the need and desire to imitate therefore lessens as we grow and develop.

          Likewise I love to hear the ideas of others and to reflect upon them developing my own thinking on them as I go. I am just selective in both when I choose to do so and who I choose to listen to.

          It is just a personal thing for me and I meant no offense by my comment. Whilst I have tremendous respect for many minds and writers out there, there is however but one person I truly want to imitate and in respect of other people’s voices but one voice that I truly trust enough to listen to fully. Additionally whilst I do have my own voice as you put it, I am acutely aware of the number of voices I have to deal with each day so am protective of my voice. But as I say each to his or her own and I do respect your right to do things your way.

          Kind Regards and God bless you.
          Kevin.

  13. Sorry. I tend to blather on about things…To each his own is a good policy. I read your poems and liked them a lot. Very different from mine, but they definitely work. I could feel your pain and understand where you are coming from better from reading them.

    I know all too well about voices. It is hard, very hard. Meds don’t help much in the end. Art and staying busy has helped me more than anything. Still when the voices start up, I’m in trouble…but we’re — my doc and I — working on it, what to do and how to cope. February is a bad month, coming up. I do not look forward to it at all.

    Anyhow, sorry if I offended you. Didn’t mean to.

    My best to you,

    Pam

    • Hi Pam,

      Absolutely no need to apologize and I really didn’t consider your comment to be blathering nor did I take an offense 🙂

      I am truly sorry to hear that February is going to be a tough time for you and I hope that you will be able to get through it as best as can be.

      Certainly that will be my prayers for you 🙂

      By the way, have you heard of the Mental Health Writers Guild. It may be of interest to you and you can find us here
      Kind Regards and God Bless you

      Kevin

  14. Hi Kevin, I have just awarded you the Brilliant Blog Award. Check it out on my link http://infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com/2012/12/19/belated-acknowledgments-and-thanks/ CONGRATULATIONS!!! Cate

  15. Hi buddy,
    I nominated you for a star for Blog of the Year!!
    check here on my post to get your award…
    http://robinclaire.wordpress.com/2013/01/17/my-first-star-for-blog-of-the-year-award/
    love you,
    robin claire

    • Hey Robin Claire,

      Just to say that is so very kind of you, thank you.

      I promise I will respond to it through a new post in the next few days. I am still on recovery road at the moment and am being very carefully watched over in respect of how much time I spend resting and recovering lol.

      But I will get to it I promise and I am extremely humbled and honored by this award.

      Thank you.
      Much love in Him.
      Kevin

  16. Hi Kevin! Canvas has kicked off the Blog For Mental Health Campaign 2013, and I pledged you on my own blog: Blog For Mental Health 2013 Is Here! You do so much amazing work in speaking on mental illness, I really hope that you’ll take the pledge, then I’ll add you to our official blogroll (which I actually think would be very incomplete without you there!).

    Sending you all of my best.

    • Hey Ruby,

      Good to hear from you.

      I would of course be honored to be a part of it and will respond accordingly within the next couple of days.

      Many thanks for thinking of me/my blog.

      Hope you are well?

      Kind regards and God bless you.
      Kevin.

      • I am very well, thank you, Kevin. And I’m glad to know you are interested in being involved. If you like, I can include the Mental Health Writer’s Guild with your pledge, because that just seems like an obvious fit, too, so then it will have a place on our blogroll.

        Take whatever time you need with your post. 🙂

  17. Hi Kevin,
    I ambled onto your site through the Guild site and before that through Benjy Jones. I recently started being more out about my illness although I’ve been living with it post diagnosis, 7 years. The last couple days i’ve been challenging myself to complete the MH awareness month with posts as often as I can manage. I am interested in the Guild and beginning to write more about my own truth. I am deeply moved by your “about” page and had to flip back to look at mine. We do often hide to protect ourselves. hmmm… Anyway, I hope you are well. It doesn’t seem like you’ve been on here in more that a year, the comments at least, so I’m not sure if you’ll respond. If you do I’d love to hear back. And also know more about the Guild.
    My blog is ewurabasempe.wordpress,com

    • Hi kk,

      Many thanks for your comment and it is nice to hear from you and to make your acquaintance so to speak 🙂

      You are probably right and I probably haven’t had a comment on the about page for about a year prior to your comment. Most comments come through the blog posts that I write – albeit that I really haven’t been too active when it comes to writing posts for this site of late. My health hasn’t been good and sitting at my desk in my study is uncomfortable. But thankfully that is improving of late.

      Please do check out the Mental Health writers Guild and please do consider your blog/site becoming a member. It is really easy to do so – all you have to do is drop me a comment either here or on that site letting me know you would like your blog to be a member and I will add it to our members page. The Guild exists to provide a community open to all bloggers and writers who frequently write pieces which are either directly or indirectly related to mental health and mental well-being and where the perceived focus of said pieces is not to intentionally bring sufferers of mental illness or poor mental health, their family and friends, or those working within this field, into disrepute.

      Once again many thanks for checking out this blog 🙂 It is very late here and I am off to bed for the night but I have popped over and visited your blog and will give it more of a look tomorrow.
      God bless you and Kind Regards.

      Kevin.

  18. Hi Kevin,
    I just stumbled across this blog. I have lived with bipolar most my life but was not diagnosed until my mid-30s. I really thought I was living well with this beast, building a career in mid-life and raising two teenagers on my own. Prolonged workplace stress finally kicked me back up and over into full-blown mania and I am still picking up the pieces. My 24 year-old son who has similar mood concerns and experienced horrific encounters with mental health professionals over the years turned to alcohol. I started blogging a few months ago thinking about musing about books and photography and other “stuff” but my recent breakdown has added a new element to my own reflections. It has also drawn my attention to others living with mental illness.

    Your strength of faith is inspiring because I was stunned by the rejection of the mentally ill that I observed in my church (Catholic). I have been away from the church for years but I am beginning to re-explore that element. Where I am (Canada) I am looking to the United Church which tends to have a strong social justice agenda. That is critical. I look forward to spending time on your site.

    Peace.

    • Hi RG,

      Really good to make your acquaintance. It sounds like you have had a rough ride with this too and I certainly can relate to having to pick up the pieces. I am truly sorry to hear that your 24 year old has had such horrific encounters with mental health professionals and turned to alcohol. Sadly, the escape that alcohol offers is always short-lived and tends to bring more additional problems along with it. Although we never see that at the time and needing to self-medicate is understandable when no one else seems able or willing to help us.

      As for my faith, well I don’t mind telling you that I am truly grateful for it and it is without doubt one of the only things that has kept me going this long and having a loving and caring church is such a blessing to me. My fervent prayer will be that you can find one which will understand all that you are going through, accommodate your needs and also see how much you can offer them in return.

      I will pop over and check your site out a little later today and am really pleased that you took time to comment and offer encouragements. I often wonder if I am not just writing to the wind so to speak. So it is great when folk take time to comment.

      Kind Regards and God bless you.
      Kevin

  19. Hi Kevin,

    I have a new project coming up which I hope you’d be interested in working on.

    https://bylaurenhayley.wordpress.com/the-mental-health-art-auction/

    The Mental Health Art Auction needs YOU, to post about your experiences, raise awareness, and promote the auction that will happen in August.

    The auction will feature a piece of art put together by myself, which will reflect how each and every blogger taking part feels about mental health. What it means to them. This is an opportunity to get more people talking, and hopefully raising a lot of money for charity. Please check out the link and let me know if you’re interested 🙂

    • Hi Lauren,

      Many thanks for letting me know about this.

      I will be looking into it sometime today. Sorry for the delay but I have been unwell.

      Kind regards and God bless you.
      Kevin.

  20. Hello nice to meet you.

  21. Thank you so much for your follow and I am so sorry it has taken me this long to register it

  22. I found your blog through the mental health writer’s guild. What you have written here is beautiful and moving. I can relate to so much. My husband also, he has mental health issues similar to mine, plus he has the added burden of a serious weight problem. But I love him just the way he is and only want him to be healthy and happy.

    Thank you for sharing the experience, strength, and hope of your life with this hurting world. God bless.

    • Hi Lady Quixote/Linda Lee,

      Many thanks for your kind comment and indeed for taking time to make them.

      I am truly sorry to hear about the challenges you and indeed your hubby face. Although I am (at the same time) encouraged to know that at least what I have said makes sense to some one 🙂 I do often wonder if I am just typing into the ‘ great interweb void’ out there sometimes. Although that is not to suggest that I haven’t been blessed or encouraged by the comments I have gotten in the past because I have. It just seems that sometimes you can go for a huge periods with little to no feedback and perhaps that – along with personal health issues – is one of the reasons why I have become less vocal on here.

      So please know that your comments are gratefully received and do mean a lot.
      Kind regards and God bless you.

      Kevin

Want to comment on this post? Please feel free to do so below:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s