Yesterday would have been, had he still been alive, Robin William’s 64th birthday. But of course tragically he isn’t still alive, as on August 11th last year he took his own life. An act which shocked millions of people and which begged many a question concerning depression and suicide. As well as how someone so famous, someone so well known; for his sense of humour, for his comedy, for spreading such happiness, could get to a place where he would take such a step.
Questions which in many ways, or so it seems to this writer, were like the rolling credits at the end of one of his numerous movies. Noticed but hardly considered by many and soon forgotten by many many more. But questions – none the less – which so very much still require asking and which each one of us would do well to consider.
Robin was, as I said, such a gifted entertainer, such a gifted actor, such a gifted comedian. In many ways he was such a loveable clown.
And that, it has to be said was one of the problems. For that is the way we all saw him, was it not? That is the expectation we had of him and the expectation we placed on him. That is what we expected to see and thus, perhaps, all that we looked for.
And whilst I recognise that Robin was to so many of us ‘a celebrity’ and thus a detached and almost untouchable figure. I find myself asking the questions, “But what about those who aren’t so detached, or so untouchable to us?” “What about our friends, our family, our neighbours?” “What about our work colleagues, school or college mates?” “What about that guy or that woman at our church?” Are we not perhaps also guilty of placing expectations on them? Are we not perhaps also guilty of seeing them in certain ways and only seeing or looking for what we expect to see?
You see in many ways I can relate to Robin Williams. In many ways and to a lot of folk perhaps and to some extent, I am that clown. I am that entertainer.
In many ways I am that joker. And yet, just like Robin, I also struggle with depression and yes at times, and I am not afraid to admit it, with suicidal thoughts.
And in truth, I am that friend, that family member, that neighbour, that guy at church, who many folk see a certain way and yet never venture to ask or look beyond what they first see or what I first present.
And thus they never get to know about – or have an impact on – that depression, or on those suicidal thoughts which often plague me.
That is not to say that ‘one or two’ don’t know about my depression or my suicidal thoughts. But what about all the others? Is there a reason (or reasons why they remain oblivious to these struggles?
For some, I think, it is a case of being too busy to have time to ask, or to look beyond what they first see.
For others, it is perhaps a fear of rejection or of being shot down in flames and having their caring – their compassion, thrown back in their face.
For some it is simply not knowing how to approach the subject. And yet for others, perhaps it is a fear that actually if they do dare to ask – if they do dare to venture beyond what they first see with someone – that person might do the same in return and then they would have to be honest and face the truth in themselves?
But what ever the reason for never venturing beyond what we first see, something just has to change if we are to truly tackle and combat such issues as depression and suicidal thoughts. In truth we cannot simply sit back and leave it to others or rely on that person’s faith or their strength of character or their will power. And we cannot be lulled into – or allow ourself to remain blinded to, or indeed simply be persuaded by – the masks that others put on in order to ‘survive’, or ‘exist’ or to please others.
In truth we must be more daring.
Daring to venture beyond the face of the clown.
Amy said:
It is a shame that people can often be so uncomfortable with other’s sadness/depression that send a message that it isn’t ok and that the person needs to smile instead of showing their true feelings. Especially in today’s society. It seems like in earlier times people were allowed to have their time to be sick, melancholy, and to grieve. This is a wonderful and sad post.
boldkevin said:
Hi Amy,
Many thanks for taking time to comment and for your kind words. As you can tell from my post I totally agree with you.
I hope you are ok?
Kind regards and God bless you.
Kevin
artsychicksw said:
Excellent post….very thoughtful and well written. Hope this finds you in some brighter days. I always enjoy hearing your thoughts and perspective. Peace to your heart
boldkevin said:
Hi Artsy,
Many thanks for your comment and kindness.
I am doing ok thanks. How’s you?
Kind regards and God bless you.
Kevin
artsychicksw said:
Thanks for asking. Been through a rough few months….health/pain, some stressful life stuff, struggling with a bit of depression, but things are looking up. Right now I’m just really tired of living with chronic pain every single day. Mornings are my very worst time of day (that’s how it is with fibromyalgia) and it takes a good couple of hours before the overall debilitating pain wanes off. I’m just really tired of it. But, I am trying a new supplement program that a local woman w/ fibro uses and it’s helped her get off almost all meds and even lose weight, too. I’m hoping my doc okays it, as I’ve been taking it a few days 😉 I’m hopeful but not planning on the same kind of improvement (I’ve got more stuff than just the fibro). Okay, so that was probably tmi, but it’s late (which is my second worst time of day…LOL) and I tend to run on. Do take care and know blessings are being sent your way. Peace, Sara
boldkevin said:
Hi Sara,
I am truly sorry to hear that you have been through a rough few months, but am truly pleased to learn that things are at least now looking up some. Chronic pain can be such a difficult and such a draining thing to go through especially on a continual basis and my heart goes out t you and to anyone who experiences this. I know from first-hand experience just how it can impact us.
I don’t have fibro myself, among other things I deal with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and know how that can effect me, so please know that whilst I do not know exactly what you are going through I do have some limited understanding of it. And no it was not tmi. I truly do care and feel that it is essential to express how we feel and to share in safe places.
I hope that you can sort out (and that your doctor approves) the supplement program you are hoping to start and that it does for you what it has done for the lady you spoke of.
Kind regards and God bless you.
Kevin
artsychicksw said:
Thanks so much, Kevin. I, too, have been diagnosed with CFS, but it’s truly hard to know if that’s 100% accurate because symptoms overlap with the fibro and sleep apnea…but I do meet the diagnostic criteria.
I didn’t get the approval for both the supplements (that were intended to be taken together) because one has at least three forms of stimulants including phenylethlamine (used in cold meds). I have high blood pressure and take meds for it so the doc said no go. I agree with him…it wasn’t clear that the stimulants were there in the initial info I received about the ingredients. That supplement was targeted at weight loss and energy. The other one is meant to be taken with it and has natural products that aim to “fix” your blood chemistry….things like blood pressure, blood sugars, etc. There are no stimulants or harmful ingredients, and I have learned that I can take just that one. So, I’m going to do it! There was a huge hullabaloo in the online fb group the product has….I had posted what my doc said, explaining why I couldn’t take it and that I was surprised to know that all the stimulants were in there. More details than that, but that was the gist. I included some info about benefits/risks of some of the ingredients as well because I thought others should be made aware of the stimulants and the other in case it hadn’t been made clear to them either. A couple of people who were just getting ready to start it appreciated the info I shared, but so many folks who have been using it and selling it freaked out on me. They accused me of bashing the company and the products, and made very negative comments about me. I am not used to this kind of treatment and it was stressful. I promise you, I was only stating info I learned and my personal reasons for not being able to take it. I included that I was happy that others could take it safely and have the results they do. I’m a hippie chick….I’m not hateful or mean and I don’t “react” to things (usually). Just shared info. Anyway, I found myself needing to defend myself and make clear what I had said…it’s was stressful and exhausting and I finally just had to let it go. Sorry to dump all this on you…but it came out when you asked about the supplement (like a good friend does). I just don’t have people treat me that way and it was surprising and uncomfortable. Happy to have that done with, for sure!
I’m not here on wordpress very often, but would like to continue keeping in touch with you when we can. I wish you the best and enjoy our conversations. Take care. Until later….Sara Peace to your heart.
boldkevin said:
Hi Sara,
Yes there seems to be a great deal of overlap between conditions and so it can be very difficult to have total confidence in our diagnosis. But hopefully the treatments we receive help in some way. I have a similar concern over my CFS diagnosis and my heart conditions and often wonder if I am feeling the way that I am because of my CFS or because of my heart. Or even of course because of my Sleep Apnoea and whether that and my difficulties sleeping are coming into play. And of course it is always entirely possible that different conditions that we have are impacting and effecting each other.
I amn sorry to hear that you didn’t get the approval for both the supplements that you need. If your blood pressure improves will they at least review it?
I am also sorry to hear about the grief you experienced on Facebook. Facebook has its advantages but it can be such a cold harsh place at times. And some people really do need to learn that just because they are typing into a computer it doesn’t mean there isn’t someone with real feelings reading/receiving it all. And I have absolutely no doubt that you were just sharing for the right reasons and not out to bash anyone. I have to be honest with you, I often read what folk put on these things and wonder at what kind of world it is where folk can be as nasty and aggressive as they are with their comments and then question our mental state?
And there is no need to apologise for ‘dumping’as you put it. I really don’t see it that way at all and I really was and am interested. I know first hand how these things can effect us. And, like you, I am not used to people treating me the way that you have been treated and it would certainly disturb and unsettle me too. I myself, as you no doubt know, am not a ‘hippy chick’ but I do like a quiet, peaceful and respectful life and do try to offer that to those who know me.
And like you, I am not here on WordPress very much nowadays. Stuff happened and I took a bit of a battering and have lost (perhaps only temporarily) my desire to write and additionally one of my daughters is visiting me from the states at the moment and additional to spending time with her she has encouraged me to allow her to decorate some of the rooms in my home and this is taking a lot of my time. (I just can’t sit back and let her do it all) And to be honest I am enjoying the chance to be creative in that way.
But I too enjoy our conversations and will respond whenever you have time to comment or email. Please do take care of you, and please know that the ugliness you experienced on Face book is a reflection on the person being ugly and not on you.
Kind regards and God bless you.
Kevin
artsychicksw said:
Kevin, Thank you so very much for your thoughts and words. Your support and understanding means so much to me! (wish I could impress how much, really, because it’s very heartfelt) Especially right now…life is very stressful. I think I’ve told you that both my husband and I live with chronic illness/pain (my husband, Tom, having multiple problems including severe psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis, lung issues and hepatitis c…which he has had for nearly 20 yrs and it’s done a lot of damage to his body, and more). And we have a wonderful 25 yr old special needs son who lives with us, Luke. He has Autism, intellectual/developmental disabilities, ADHD, speech/language problems, etc, and is such a sweet soul, funny, more social than you’d think and full of love for his family and many other things, including animals. In Tom and my condition it is a challenge to care for him because one always has to be “on” to make sure he’s safe, etc. Well, he broke and displaced his ankle a week and a half ago (jumping into the pool at camp) and had surgery last Thursday (needed a plate and 5 screws!) Lucky for him, he doesn’t feel pain to level most of us do due to sensory issues (this can be a drawback in terms of not feeling an injury etc, but for now it’s good for him). Now he can’t put any pressure on the leg at all for 3 weeks, and doesn’t have his ‘permanent’ cast until Friday so it’s so critical not to bump it, etc. He is a big guy at 6’1″ and nearly 200 pounds and not terribly strong or coordinated so it’s quite a challenge…not to mention that the day before surgery, day of and the day after were a huge drain on Tom and I with little sleep and lots of physical activity necessary. Kind of brought us both to the brink physically, mentally and emotionally. Thankfully, we have begun to catch up on sleep, which makes everything start to improve! So grateful!
I am happy to hear your daughter is visiting and initiated redecorating. Being creative, in whatever form, is so uplifting and, for me, feeds my soul all kinds of good stuff. Also, having something new and fresh looking and feeling can be like a cool breeze and sunshine for the spirit. I know those things would be so good for you, right? We are in the (very slow) process of cleaning and hugely decluttering our home. We are planning to move back to WA state next summer (so many good things for us about that) after our youngest graduates high school. Luke will move with us but begin living in supported independent living at that time. We’ll be staying with family at first until our home here sells, then will be building a small house on some wooded property. We are going back to a simple life in so many ways and are so looking forward to it! So, we have a great deal of paring down to do so we take with us only what is needed and lovingly cherished as favorites. Talk about a breath of fresh air to our spirits!
I’m wondering if you are missing writing? At times when I have kind of had my art/jewelry on the back burner due to loss of interest or energy or some combo of those, I do find that while I may not consciously miss it, my soul, my spirit starts to feel heavier, or bogged down or something. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I do know that when I go back to creating it brightens every part of me. This happened to me recently, mostly because I had other things to do or had to be resting. I finally realized how kind of ‘dark’ I had been feeling and said “it’s time to create again!” So, that’s mostly what I’ve been doing while my son is okay wherever he’s sitting or laying down. It’s been so good! So, I do wonder if you’ve had any similar experience with being away from your writing? Do you find that the creativity of the redecorating is kind of filling that spot, or at least a bit of a different one that makes not writing less impactful? I’m sad to hear about your battering….was it because of or in response to your writing itself or something different that simply affected it? I do hope you feel the desire to get back to it, for all the good it does for you. Do take care of yourself, and thank you so much, again, for your understanding and support of my experience on the facebook group. Many blessings and Peace to your heart. Sara
boldkevin said:
Hi Sara,
Many thanks for responding and for doing so so promptly. I must be honest with you, whilst I never get bent out of shape when folk take a while to respond and I really do understand when it takes folk a while to reply I have to admit that with my memory the way it is, it is always a blessing when I still remember what I had originally written and what folk are replying to LOL.
Like you, I too enjoy our conversations and I truly do care about you and Tom and your son, and I do to some degree have an understanding and some experience of chronic pain/illness. Yes you had mentioned it before although if I am honest I am not exactly sure how much you have shared about it with me directly or how much I have previously read on your blog. Apologies for that, it is just another aspect of my problems with memory and focus at times.
It is sometimes so very hard to understand why it is that some folk seem to pass through life without any major difficulties or troubles and yet others seem to have major issues to face on an almost permanent or daily basis. And I often wonder at how very often it is the best of us who have the difficulties and yet the worst of us who seem to have fewer troubles in life.
I can tell you, and am not sure if I have mentioned this before, but I have a daughter who suffers with severe psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis. Her psoriasis is plaque psoriasis in nature and affects most of her body. It has such an impact on her in many ways not least of all in respect of her body-image and self-worth. She has had it all of her life and is only now seeming to get any level of decent treatment for it. And actually is visiting with me from the states where she lives and is such a blessing to me and I am delighted to see that the current treatment she is on – some creams and an injection (I think it is called Humira) has improved things.
Being her father (and with my wife and I no longer being together) when she flies in and visits with me I help her administer the creams as there are part so her body that she cannot properly reach herself. And so I do understand a little of what you say when you mention you and Tom’s own difficulties and how these impact and complicate your caring for your son with all the needs that he too has.
And whilst she is only able to afford to fly in and visit with me for a month of so each year, I know only too well the frustration I feel when I am too tired or too weak and fatigued to be able to help her put her cream on or when – because of my fatigue and her arthritis – seemingly little jobs needs to be postponed until, one of us are up to doing them. And I am also very much aware – probably in part as a result of my own health and the impact that has – how her psoriatic arthritis impacts her ability to sleep so my heart really does go out to you and Tom and to your son because of all you face and the way in which you face it.
I am also sorry to hear about your son braking and displacing his ankle at camp. That really can be such a painful and difficult thing to have to deal with even under usual conditions. You mentioned his having to have a plate and 5 screws and oh how that reminded me of my own ankle injury when I was about 20. I had borrowed a friends motorcycle with a view to buying it from her and one morning shortly after borrowing it and whilst riding it home I got knocked down by an elderly car driver who simply didn’t see me. He ran over my foot and ankle as part of the collision and so like your son I too have plates and pins/screws in.
So my heart realoly does go out to him and to you and Tom for having that extra difficulty to deal with. Especially with me also being a bug – 5 foot 11 inches and well over 200lbs lol. I can only imagine the extra demands it placed on you both and I am glad to hear that you are both at least now able to catch up on some sleep.
Yes, my daughter being here is such a blessing. I love when my kids get to come home and whilst I am very well known for being a bit of a recluse and liking my own space and company, their being here never really bothers my mental health. Which again is a very real blessing. And I couldn’t agree with you more about how having something new and fresh looking and feeling can be like a cool breeze and sunshine for the spirit.
I am acutely aware at how my environment effects my mental health and have been aware of it for some time now, and I get very unsettled mentally when my house becomes untidy or there is clutter around the place. Something which only usually happens during periods when my physical health declines or my CFS plays up. And there nearly always comes a point when regardless of my physical health I simply have to tidy up just to appease my mental health for a bit.
But it is interesting to me how having a newly decorated kitchen – the one room we have managed to completely finish as yet – has really lifted my spirits. I have eve been persuaded to help put additional shelves up and the whole room looks so much more inviting and homely. I think I had just accepted and grown accustomed to how it was before, and whilst it was not badly decorated it did indeed lack colour and the additional touches of shelves and knick-knacks which contribute to making a place more homely.
I think that because of my health and my relative isolation I have simply accepted things which really did need addressing but that until now I had no real or obvious way of addressing. My wet-room (for example) is a complete blessing and a necessity for me. But then some tiles fell of the wall a couple of years back and the wall has remained that way ever since. I have of course mentioned it to a couple of folk along the way and they have promised to come fix them for me. But, as sadly is often the case, folk seem so busy nowadays and so they never got around to fixing them for me. So we are tackling that room next. And I have even gone as far – since my finances won’t permit the purchasing of new items – as buying some metallic paint and painting all the old wall furniture – soap dishes, towel rails, soap racks and toilet roll holders etc.
I have no idea how they will look when they are actually put back up once the tiles are replaced and the walls painted but I have thoroughly enjoyed painting them and the whole creative process of taking some things which were old and tired looking and giving them a new lease of life and a new look. So you are very right when you say that they (making the changes) will all be good for me and I wish you nothing but success with your de-cluttering and cleaning in preparation for your move.
I have just called my daughter in from the kitchen – where she is painting a mirror frame – and asked her where WA state is. LOL sorry I had no idea myself, and she (Janey) tells me it is Washington state. Is that Washington DC? I am assuming it is, although my knowledge of the different states of America is seriously lacking and limited to either what I have read or heard about or what I have in the past researched in preparation for a series of books that I wrote a few years back and which were set in the USA around the 1950’s.
Tell me, are you looking forward to living with family for a while or will this simply bring added pressures to you and Tom? I kn ow that we each have different experiences when it comes to family and I known that I would simply not be comfortable if I were to have to return to living with my family for a while. Way too much of a loner me.
The whole idea of living a simpler life really appeals to me, hence the setting for my books I think, and I am convinced I was born in the wrong era. It all sounds so wonderful and you must be so excited about the prospect of Luke living in supported independent living nearby. I know that being a parent and loving your child/ren – especially when they have needs such as Luke does, means that your are torn, but you and Tom have your own needs and I am delighted for you all.
In answer to your question about my missing writing, I am not really sure how to answer that honestly. The truth is that I stopped writing because of my health at the time and also because I was extremely hurt by a couple of people who were close to me and that robbed me of my joy and motivation to write. And I am not sure if this is a guy thing or is part of my mental health and coping mechanisms but I seem to simply have filled the void my not writing has left with other less creative and (if I am honest) less productive or healthy things. Xbox games can be so time consuming and so distracting.
But, there does appear to be a fairly high level of encouragement (from my kids and the pastors of the church I attend, among others) for me to get back into my writing and if I am honest I really do need to just make that first step and start again. And yes I can totally relate to what you are saying about how when you had your art/jewelry on the back burner due to loss of interest or energy or some combo of those, you find that while you may not consciously miss it, your soul, your spirit starts to feel heavier, or bogged down or something.
And like you I also can’t quite put my finger on it. And I have to admit that I do think that it leads to a kind of rut that we can get into and which we can even become so accustomed to that it becomes the ‘norm’ . I so very much like and can relate so very much of what you are saying here. As you know I am – whilst I don’t bash other people with my personal beliefs or force them on other people – a Christian and whilst I don’t know exactly what your personal faith or beliefs system is, I can tell and do know that you are a spiritual person and I can so understand that ‘darkness’ that you speak of feeling when you are not being creative. It is like our spirit is sick from lack of freedom or expression. If that makes sense.
And I am delighted to hear that you have been able to get back to being creative. And yes I do feel that the creativity of painting/redecorating is filling that spot/feeding my creative spirit in some way.
It is funny really Sara, funny peculiar of interesting and not funny haha (an english expression) but so often in a seemingly unrelated or indirect conversation we can be minded of or brought to a point of reflection about something in order for us to consider and perhaps learn from it. And I wonder if that isn’t what is happening now.
(Please bare with my often complicate and even convoluted thought process here and hopefully I will adequately explain what I mean).
So far – among other things – we have talked about creativity, placing things on the back burner, filling spaces and getting into ruts.
In answer to your question about the battering that I took and whether it was in response to my writing? Whilst it wasn’t directly in response to my writing and I still to this day don’t fully understand where things went wrong or why the people concerned chose to hurt me in the way that they did or at all really, my writing was used as a way of hurting me and so that did have a huge impact on me. And yes that has robbed me of the joy of writing and indeed my motivation to write. And yes in turn that has led me to retreat from it and then to fill that void in other ways.
Which leads me on (did I mention that my thought processes can be quite complicated and even convoluted at times) to wonder if my liking my own company and space – my isolation that I spoke of earlier – is not actually the self-same thing just in a different context. If in fact the reason I choose to withdraw and the reason I like my ow company and space is actually my way of dealing with the hurts that I have experienced in my life and are simply a rut which I grew accustomed to and then the norm and which has become a way of life for me.
I know that I frustrate people – especially my kids – by isolating so much and that folk tell me how much fun I am to be around and how they can’t understand why I choose to spend so much time alone. And perhaps it is time to re-evaluate it all and make a grab at more freedom more expression for my spirit?
So perhaps I will make that a very real first step and determined decision and start writing again. I do have some books which I started and then shelved and perhaps it is time to simple step out and start to complete them. Yes I am going to do just that I think. So thank you for your encouragement there. I know my kids and others will be very happy to hear it.
I am so very much aware of the length of this response and so I am going to close this response here, Sara. But I do want you to know that I do care for you and Tom and your kids and do very much enjoy chatting with you. Please write any time you feel like doing so or need to do so.
Kind regards and God bless you.
Kevin
artsychicksw said:
Kevin, I wanted you to know that I’ve received your wonderful (!!!) letter and have so very much enjoyed reading it. I don’t have time at the moment to respond with everything I want to say, but will be marking this as unread so that I’ll get back to it (I have a terrible memory problem as well…I think we both have sleep apnea? did I remember right? I think that has a great deal to do with it). I would like to say how much I appreciate you sharing so much with me and that I’m ecstatic that you have come to the decision to step back into your writing again! A celebration is in order!
More from me later…..until then, take care. p.s. I’m a Christian as well, though not what I would consider religious. As you said, I am very spiritual. More on this later, too.
boldkevin said:
Hi Sara,
Many thanks for responding so quickly. Yes you remembered correctly and I do have sleep apnoea. Please feel free to take your time responding more fully. I know how busy our lives can get and as I think I said before I never get bent out of shape over these things.
Looking forward to reading your fuller response later.
Kind regards and God bless.
Kevin