Is one of the questions which keeps going around my head at the moment.
To be totally honest it is a question which arose from my state of mind at the moment and one which – seeing as my mind is obsessing over things at the moment – something that I just don’t seem able to let go of.
Additionally, since I am being out there and open with it all, I am OK letting my mind obsess about this question at the moment. Because it is a heck of a lot healthier than actually obsessing on the harmful destructive thoughts going on inside my head right now.
And speaking of being out there and open, I apologise to anyone who knows me and who may be concerned as a result of this post. That really isn’t the object or purpose of this post at all. And I really do want to be clear that whilst I am in a very fragile state I am not contemplating suicide at this moment.
But I have to do something to defocus my mind from those other thoughts right now and besides, this really is an important question.
See here’s the deal. Something happened on Friday which completely distressed and disturbed me. And which my mind just won’t let go of. It keeps replaying it over and over and it just won’t let go of it.
No one is to blame for this, but me. And no one set out to intentionally hurt or distress me. And in truth there is no way they could have known the landslide of destructive thought processes which they inadvertently started or triggered.
But the landslide started and they – the destructive thought processes – simply won’t stop. But when does a destructive thought – even and especially repetitive and obsessive destructive thoughts constitute actual suicidal thoughts? And more importantly when and how do you healthily respond to them?
Its a very difficult question isn’t it?
In the rational I can see them for what they are. I understand what caused them and I even understand and can recognised the flawed and twisted logic and arguments that they put forth to accompany and support their suggestions.
Likewise, in the rational I know that they also come in waves of intensity and that said waves increase as it get later and later in the day and peak when the night falls.
The way it all works within this ideation within my mind.
I know only too well the observations and arguments my mind throws up to bring me closer to the edge and I know the counter observations and counter arguments that I will state in order to slow that process down.
How suicidal thoughts, also known as suicidal ideation are thoughts about how to kill oneself, which can range from a detailed plan to a fleeting consideration which does not include the final act of killing oneself.
I also know that the majority of people who experience suicidal ideation do not actually go as far as attempting it (let alone succeeding). And that according to studies only just over a fifth of people who died by suicide had actually discussed their thoughts or intentions prior to the act.
And I know that my own thoughts are not of how to commit suicide. In truth I worked that out a long long time ago. (And I think a great many of us have made similar considerations or had similar discussions without any intention of actually doing so.).
No for me it is not a case of actually doing it, it is a case of trying to stop it from happening.
It is so hard to describe. It is like my mind – the obsessive, destructive thoughts process – is trying to push me towards the edge and all I can do is fight with it.
And the longer the fight goes on the weaker and more tired I become. (Minds with obsessive thoughts don’t shut down long enough to allow sleep, let alone sleep of any quality.) And the closer to the edge I know I am getting.
Now I need to make this clear again, since I blog openly and not anonymously. Yes I am experiencing very harmful and destructive thoughts which are also obsessive and relentless. And I have been now for three days ever since what happened on Friday. But I am still able to fight them to varying degrees of effect despite becoming more and more tired and less and less able to function properly.
And the purpose of this post is not to concern anyone. It is instead to invite comments and opinions from other bloggers and readers about such obsessive harmful and destructive thoughts. When do such thoughts constitute suicidal thoughts? When should we really be worried about such thoughts? How do we respond (healthily) to them?