Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and as a result of this, and the fact that as a result of my mental illness(es) I frequently experience suicidal thoughts, I felt I simply had to write a post relevant to the subject of suicide.
But whenever I consider writing a post like this, the very first thing that comes to my mind is – “Well Kev, You know this is going to raise some ‘concerned’ eyebrows. You know is will worry those who love you and give ammunition to those who judge you? And that either way it will generate some texts and comments don’t you?”
And in truth I do know that. But the fact is that posts like this are so very important. And whilst I don’t want to cause anyone any undue concern, if folk like me, who experience suicidal thoughts and have survived through them, don’t speak out, nothing will change.
So regardless of the potential fall-out I feel I have to write about this subject today and I do so openly and freely and in the hope that buy doing so it might bring a better understanding to some, and hope to others.
Dear…,
How are you? Ok. well let’s be honest here. We both know you can’t really answer that. I mean this is a letter not a fluent two way conversation. But I usually start my letters off asking that question. It seems polite, almost expected. And actually it is an expression often used at the opening of a great many conversations, isn’t it?
And yet I wonder how many times it is truly sincerely asked? I mean hasn’t asking it really just become social etiquette? And when folk answer, when I answer. Do they, do we, do I always truly answer honestly? Or do we give the answer that we think the other person wants to here? Or some falsehood, designed to placate or close down or avoid that line of inquiry?
“I’m fine.” or even “I’m fine. Honest I am.” Whilst sometimes spoken in truth, are also – in my opinion – phrases so often spoken falsely, are they not? And I wonder how often you have used one, or both of them, when you haven’t really meant them?
But are they words of secrecy and defiance? Which say, “I don’t want you to know the truth”? Or are they words of solitude which really mean, “I am convinced that you don’t really want to know the truth”? Or of desperation which say, “You can’t enter into the world in which I live”?
Because I have to tell you that sometimes, when I have spoken them in the past, I have – more often or not – spoken them as a result of that perceived isolation, or that desperation.
And, if I am totally honest, I have often spoken them as a result of being convinced that even if I do even attempt to tell you the truth, it will simply makes things worse and you will simply end up judging me.
And as cynical and unfair as you may feel that this is, the truth is that this is exactly how I (and I would suggest many others) feel when in that situation.
And whether my feeling that way is as a result of the hopelessness, the desperation, or the deep depression that I am experiencing. Or as a result of your previous actions (or even, let’s be honest here, the actions of others before you). The fact is that those thoughts, those feelings – that conviction – is so very real to me and stands between you and I.
Those thoughts, those feelings, that deep rooted conviction which constructs the barrier between us locking me in and you out. Locking you out of a world, and me in a world, which you probably don’t understand, probably don’t want to understand, and definitely don’t ever want to visit.
A world which you so deeply desire for me to come out of and yet can’t understand that I just don’t know how to. So you throw me lifelines, homing beacons. Signals designed and intended to illuminate my path back to your world.
Lifelines and Beacons like…
“But think about your family?”. “This is only temporary.” Or “I promise it will pass and we will get through this.”. “You have so much to live for.” “You know you don’t really want to do this.”. “You know are stronger than this.”
Beacons and lifelines which are well intentioned and maybe even sincerely meant. And which leave your world with care and compassion and even love, but which enter my world and become twisted and corrupted.
“But what about your family?” becomes, “You are going to hurt your family yet again.” And out of the desperation my mind screams, “See even they think you are a nuisance or a burden to your family. Yes your ending it all will hurt them, but isn’t that better than going on and continually hurting them or being a burden to them?”
And “This is only temporary” becomes, “Yeah repetitively temporary. Over over again these thoughts, this depression, this hopeless desperation taunts me.” And again my mind screams, “Do you really want to carry on facing all that?”
And what of your “I promise this will pass and we will get through this.” becomes, “What ‘we’? There is no ‘we’! You aren’t going through this, can’t go through this. And I have no right to put your through this.” And my mind echoes its taunts, “And even if YOU do get through this, where will they be the next time and the next time and the time after that? Aren’t you just putting off the inevitable? Aren’t you just prolonging the agony?”
And as for your, “You have so much to live for.” and your “You know you don’t really want to do this.” and your “You know are stronger than this.” statements.
Statements designed to connect us and to offer me a way out of my world. They are just met with (and remind me of) the desperation and hopelessness that I am experiencing.
And so the echoed responses become, “No I don’t have so much to live for, not if this – what I am experiencing now and experience so often – is all I can hope for.” and “No I don’t really want to do this, but it’s better than living what I am living.” and “No I am not stronger than this! Can’t you see that I am not stronger than this? Can’t you see how totally weak I am right now?”
Can you see how that world, that desperation, that consuming hopelessness, twists and corrupts things? Even the most simplistic sentiments of compassion and caring?
You see, right now, at the time when I am writing this, I am still resident in your world. And that world of hopelessness – when that deep dark blanket of despair falls and totally consumes me – currently seems so far away from me.
And in this world – the world we share – the world where my mental illness(es) are manageable and being managed. I recognize your beacons of hope, your lifelines for what they are and how they are intended. And yes I can cling to them, follow them, even agree with them. But in that world – the world which sometimes consumes me – they are ineffective and even often turned into judgments and condemnations.
See I know that world. Experienced that world. I have been enveloped, even almost consumed by that world. And yet I have survived that world. For whatever reason, by whatever grace, I have survived that world. And I hope and pray that I will, if and when it returns, survive it again.
Because I know that this world – the world we both share, and not that other world, is where I am meant to be. But in truth, I know that if and when the other world returns you can help me make it through.
Not by judging, not by condemning, not by throwing me cliches, or even those lifelines and beacons that are well intentioned but all too often made ineffective even harmful.
But by simply being you. By simply caring. By caring enough to simply stay with me. Pray for me. To watch over me. To protect me. Yes to protect me, even from myself and the me in that world. Heck, even just hold me. Show me I am safe, Show me that you care, show me that I am not as alone as the thoughts or that world would have me believe I am.
You see, I am not asking you to understand that world which sometimes seeks to consume me. I am not even asking you to understand where it comes from or why it comes. All I am asking is that you understand that it is there and that it does come.
And to understand one simple and yet potentially life-saving fact…
When I am deep in that world, when that world ensnares me and envelopes me and seeks to consume me. You cannot hope to enter it or to understand it and you cannot expect for me to explain it or even at times to leave it. All you can do is love the me you know and to hold me in your world until that world leaves once more.
And when it does then perhaps together, having seen and felt your love for me – even the love for the me in that world – we can try to stop that world from returning.
With much love and openness,
I wanted a picture which would compliment what I wanted to say today and so I search images and found this one over at “Deviant Art” designed by someone called ‘shutdown‘. And it really spoke to me and all credit goes to them for the picture. (No copyright infringement intended)
Voices of Glass 
It’s so sad that I can relate to this on so many levels. I’m currently in that world; the where I am a burden to my family and friends and I cant expect them to understand or to help, because unless you’ve experienced it, you just don’t know. My life line is something my ex said to me. During one of our many heated arguments, he said “Why don’t you go kill yourself. The world would be such a better place without you in it.” As silly as it may sound, I know my presence in this world annoys him to no end. I will not give him the satisfaction. So, as difficult as it may be to get through this all alone, every time, I do. And I use his words as my motivation. I’ve learned that depression is a liar. And when it tells me things like “You’re a burden.” I give it the finger. My family loves me. If they didn’t, they would have turned their backs on me a long time ago. I’ve given them plenty of reasons to, that’s for sure. But I think that was my own personal test. Just how much do you love me? I’m going to make your lives miserable. How much are you willing to tolerate? And then one day it just hit me. They aren’t going any where. Well, a few family members. My sister, her husband and her kids have all chosen to cut me out of their lives, but that’s their problem; not mine. When life is good and I am good, they are the ones missing out. I get to share the good times with those who chose to stick by my side. And in their defense, what could they say really? They don’t understand this world, as much as they try, I hope they never do understand it. I was put in these two worlds for a reason and it’s up to me to figure out why and to fix what I can. I can’t go through life expecting everyone else to understand this world and to fix my problems. I know depression for what it truly is (a liar) and like I said, I’ve come up with my own life line. I hope you are able to do the same. I wish you all the best on this journey, and please know that you really aren’t alone…
Hi Scarlet,
Firstly I want to thank you for taking time to comment and for sharing what you have shared.
I agree it is so sad that ( that any of us) can relate to what I wrote. And I am so sorry to hear that you are currently in that world that I spoke of. I know only too well just how hard that can be. So please, please know that you are not alone – no matter how much that world tries to convince you otherwise.
Those negative thought processes, “I am a burden to my family and friends” are of course a falsehood where the most simplistic and smallest of truths become so magnified, exaggerated and intensified. We fail to see all the goodness that we do bring and we fail to see that each and every family members has their bad days and can level the same accusations at themselves. It is just that many don’t have our mental health challenges.
You mentioned that your life line is something your ex said to you and went on to say that during one of our many heated arguments, he said “Why don’t you go kill yourself. The world would be such a better place without you in it.” And in some ways I am so sorry that this was said to you
But you also mentioned how, “As silly as it may sound, I know my presence in this world annoys him to no end. I will not give him the satisfaction.” And so you have turned that into a strength and I so understand your saying “So, as difficult as it may be to get through this all alone, every time, I do. And I use his words as my motivation.” And I for one am so glad that you do.
You are so very right when you say that depression is a liar.” And, as I mentioned above, when it tells us things like “You’re a burden.”
LOL giving it the finger is an excellent response. It is of course wonderful that you can know that your family loves you. And that you use the truth to fight the lies. Truths like “If they didn’t, they would have turned their backs on me a long time ago. I’ve given them plenty of reasons to, that’s for sure.”
Speaking those truth into the lies is essential for survival, but of course we have to speak them for ourselves as somehow others speaking them during these darkest of times just isn’t enough.
And yes I so very readily understand what you were saying about those who have cut you out of their lives. Trust me I have experienced the same. And I agree – ultimately they are the ones who are missing out.
And I fully agree with you, understanding that depression and the world that it tries to consume us in is a liar is so essential to our survival.
As I think (I hope) I indicated in my post, I am in the good world at the moment and additionally i am blessed with a very good support network for when those darker times descend. I simply have to learn to open up more and share when I know that it is coming. But I am so grateful for them and for folk like you, other bloggers, who reach out and share.
Again many thanks for taking time to comment and for taking that time to reach out and share.
Kind regards and God bless you.
Kevin.
I’m so happy I found other people on here that I can relate to. My family tries, they really do, but unless you’re in this world, you never truly understand. So, thank YOU for opening up and raising awareness. That’s ultimately why I started this blog. I want “normal” people to know that I am NOT crazy. I’m NOT a pill popper. I don’t belong in the psych ward. I suffer from mental illness. I am a fully functioning adult. I have primary (hopefully sole in the near future) custody of my 11 year old son. Would a judge grant me that if I was so unstable? I hardly think so.
Yes, it sucks that some nasty things were said to me, but again, I use them as my motivation through my toughest times. And like you, I am learning that if I open up when I feel it start to grip it’s nasty fingers around my throat, I tend to feel much better. I know I’m not alone, but I also know I there are a few people in this world want me dead. That’s a pretty harsh reality, especially when a few of them are family members. So, I’ve developed the philosophy “What other people think of me is none of my business.” I’ve also thrown myself into Buddhism, and am teaching my son. I’m not normally down and dark. This blog was just a means of showing you all how I got there. I do have another blog, where I want it to be nothing but positivity (address removed for confidentiality reasons). If I focus on the negative, negative things happen. But…if I stay focused on the positive, good things happen. And I am proof of that. I have been blessed several times over again in past few months, all because I’ve changed my perception. I read inspirational books and practice positive daily affirmations. I can’t say they’re the cure all, but they do work. I’m so happy to hear that you are on the flip side. Everyone deserves to be happy. Including my ex. So I pray a lot. Even for those who have nearly caused me to take my own life. I pray that they find happiness so that they aren’t so cruel. If you’re happy, it’s hard to be cruel. I wish for you, nothing but the best, and for loads of good things to come your way. Please don’t be a stranger. I’d be honored to be a member of your support team.
Thanks for your response!
~Scarlet
Hi again Scarlet:)
I personally believe that one of the most important benefits of blogs like yours and mine is the fact that it clearly demonstrates that we are not alone, that we are not the only ones experiencing what we experience and that no matter how isolated we might at times feel, there is at least someone else out there who experiences similar things.
And, as you said, along with that the chance to change people’s perception of mental illness and those who suffer from it is so very important isn’t it? Especially when the media seems so intent on sensationalizing mental illness. And you are absolutely right when you say that a judge would not grant you custody of your son if you were so unstable. I hardly think so.
I get so frustrated and so very saddened by the way that we as human beings treat each other and even speak to each other sometimes. And it never ceases to amaze me when I hear of someone hurling a series of nasty or derogatory comments at a person and then tags some nasty or caustic comment about their mental health at the end of it. And I can’t help thinking, “Look at the way you are behaving! And you have the cheek to question their mental health?”
But then I reflect on my own behaviors and statements in the past and see how easy it is to fall into the trap of being rude or unsympathetic. Thankfully, having experienced mental illness for as long as I can remember I don’t think I have ever ridiculed or attacked someone on the basis of their mental health, but I certainly have to question some of my behaviors, statements and attitudes in other circumstances.
And, as I often tell my kids, we can’t control or change the past. BUT we can control and change the impact and influence that we allow it to have on our present and our future. And that for me is so very key. We do, of course, have to take ownership and address, and if necessary and possible, try to correct our own actions, statements and behaviors and any damage done as a result of them. But the actions and statements and behaviors of others are exactly that – belonging to them and not for our ownership. I think that can be so hard to achieve at times – especially when they are the actions, statements and behaviors of those closest to us and who should know and do better. And so I perfectly understand your approach that “What other people think of me is none of my business.” And I have to say that I personally come from a similar sort of approach. I am only responsible for my own actions, statements and behaviors. (Unless of course something I have said or done has caused those actions or behaviors in others and even then I am only responsible for my part in that.)
You mentioned that you have thrown yourself into Buddhism. And I have to be honest that this is a belief system which has always interested me. I should perhaps mention that I personally am a Christian and am fully committed to that. But that doesn’t mean that I am not interested o0r am dismissive or disrespectful of other belief systems.
You also mentioned your other blog, (flippyzipflop.wordpress.com) and I have popped over and checked it out. And will look at it more properly when I have a little more time. If that is ok with you? (Love the name of it by the way.)
As for me being on the flip side – yes I am happy to say that I am coping quite well at the moments. My mental health seems to fluctuate and the cycles – whilst I experience smaller, more minor cycling every day – tend to be longer in duration than a lot of folk experience. But thankfully the good times far outweigh – in terms of duration at least – the bad times and I am blessed to be able to function quite well a lot of the times.
Although I have to admit that having thought of and then instantly forgotten, to take my meds at least three times already this morning (I have now taken them) and having made at least two cups of coffee which I then dutifully seemed to forget to drink, I have decided that I am just a very nice person and simply employ a little man inside my brain and who is charged with the role of reminding me of such things – who is far too unqualified for the job and obviously needs more training. 🙂
Ok. Time to get myself straight and get on with my to do list for today. I have a niggling thought running through my mind that I agreed to go out this evening but had already made a previous commitment. And it is driving me to distraction! So I need to try and establish just what it was that I had already committed to and then forgotten.
You closed you comment with the words. “Please don’t be a stranger. I’d be honored to be a member of your support team.”. I will try not to be a stranger and will hopefully pop over and read your blogs, but just so as I don’t cause any offense in the future please know that I can be very erratic when it comes to posting and indeed reading other blogs. (It’s all part of how my mind works) and so please do not take any offense if you don’t hear from me for long periods of time. It is just my mind and the way it works. And as for your being a part of my support team. Of course you are welcome.
Ok enough from me. Have a super day.
Kind regards and ‘Namaste?’ (Not sure if that is right?
Kevin
I must say, you re an extremely talented writer. Granted, I’m trying to make a school lunch for my son, get dressed to walk him to the bus stop, etc., but I’m taking the laptop with me where ever I go so I could your response in it’s entirety. I admire the way you write. Is there anything in particular you like to write about? I could see you being extremely successful doing so.
Buddhism is not a religion. It is a way of life. Some, like myself, choose to use it as our religion, but the Great Buddha himself said that it is not a religion. If it’s living your life in kindness. If you’ve ever even thought about it, I would highly recommend Buddhist Boot Camp by Timber Hawkeye. He talks about us all being soldiers of peace in the ARMY of love. It just fits for us. I’m not trying to change your current beliefs, but maybe incorporate Buddhism into them…?
I am guilty of saying and doing quite a bit of nasty stuff during my lifetime. I’ve taken the time to go back to the beginning and sincerely apologize for all that I could remember, and for things I can fix, I do. I want to be a better person. In order to do so, I’ve got to make peace with my past.
The original blog was my son’s idea. I have an ex boyfriend who stalks me on here and leaves not so nice comments, and has forwarded nasty messages to my current boyfriends family members (some I haven’t even met yet). So, I needed something that would take away from my real name, which you’ll discover on the other site, but lease don’t use it on here. He has copied all my pictures and does a Google image search, so I don’t use any pictures on here that I’ve ever used on my other blog. He’s a real stalker and I intend to press charges to the fullest, as this has been going on for years now. I’m afraid he’ll find this blog, but since my name or email address aren’t associated with it, and I paid a company $300+ to get him out, I pray that he doesn’t find this one. I just want to be left alone.
And we must have the same little man in our head, as I am on the verge of firing him! He makes me forget the simplest things and the major things. He forgets to remind me when important dates are, or even to look at the calendar. Yes, he’s definitely fired.
I’ve been working on my next entry for 2 days now, and hope to finish it today, as it actually has some positive things in it. But, my trip to the endocrinologist didn’t go as planned yesterday. I have to go back to the hospital for more lab work today. UGGGGHHHHHH I just want to be left alone with my laptop to write, write and write some more. Little things like this are enough to throw off my entire day.
I hope you have a wonderful day, and take great caution as it is 9/11/. I’m 2 hours from NYC, and don’t even want to send my son to school today. After the pathetic speech our president gave last night, I literally did lose sleep. Hey I have an idea! Let’s draw a map for the terrorists and let them know all the angles we’re going to be attacking from. I wish I was the president… I’d be a peace seeking hippy. Take care. And I hope to talk to you soon.
~Scarlet
Hi again, Scarlet 🙂
I have just returned home from a drive out with my carer. The idea (or at least this is what I am told) is that it gets me out of the house and causes me to socialize more. But I have to be honest, as much as I know it isn’t too healthy for me, I really would rather stay at home and simply write or draw, sketch or paint. So I do understand what you were saying about being left alone with your laptop 🙂
You are very kind in what you said about my writing. Personally I never see it that way but then I think I have a blindness when it comes to some of the positives concerning my life. That is not to say that I am by nature a pessimist. Far from it. I just don’t don’t seem to find it easy tom accept compliments and almost feel a fraud or at very least somewhat embarrassed when people say nice things about me.
More recently it has been about my weight or my physical health. Folk have said “Man, Kev you have lost a lot of weight lately,” or “Kevin, your health seems so much better.” And to be honest, whilst I am sure they are giving their honest opinions, I just don’t see it myself. Lol. But then I think sometimes we can sometimes be socially conditioned not to see or notice the good things in ourselves. And certainly the voices and inner dialogues would actively work against my believing good things about myself.
So you really are very kind in what you have said.
In terms of my writing, I do so very much enjoy writing when I am able. One of the difficulties with this is however the erratic nature of my focus and comprehension and indeed my memory. Sometimes I will start a project and then – for reasons of health or other commitments – stop it and then simply forget all about it. And of course when it does come back to my attention I simply can’t remember all of what I have already written. Many moons ago I started writing a bed time story for my kids, and that then became a book and then a series of 10 books and I have to be honest I am amazed I even got as far as finishing the first book. Let alone the whole series.
I tend to write about mental health, my faith or my life. And I enjoy writing about those things – although certainly writing about our own life and experiences can bring back some painful memories. I am not sure what my next book will be about as currently I have a couple of projects in mind. And who knows I may never get to write either of them.
I can so very much relate to Buddhism not being a religion and being a way of life. In truth I see Christianity in a very similar way. But a way of life based on a set of beliefs and indeed a personal relationship. I also believe, from my limited knowledge, that there are a few (hm. how do I phrase this?) cross-overs or similar approaches, between the two. And I have made a note of the book ‘Buddhist Boot Camp’ and may well look it up and get a copy from Amazon. But I can’t actually promise I will, as I already have a stack of books waiting for me to read them and I tend not to read someone else’s work whilst I am writing a book myself.
In respect of your other blog and reveling your real name and identity, please be assured that I would never actively or knowingly do this or anything to harm you or make you uncomfortable. Whilst I do not have and so don’t really know what it is like to have a stalker, I was – sometime ago – made aware that my ex-wife reads my blog and I personally found that weird enough. I am like, “You and I are finished and you chose to walk away, why then would you keep coming back to check up on me? Move on, I have.” But this is an open blog and one that I write with and in my real name and so I guess she has as much right to read is as anyone else does. But I do still find it a little weird. And I do hope that you can lose your stalker and at least get some peace in this respect. It really must be horrible to have to go through all that.
As for the little man in your head – please be nice to him. He is a part of you and being nice to him is therefore in some ways being nice to yourself. And yes I know I need to listen to my own lesson there.
I have to be honest I didn’t catch Obama’s address (although I did hear that he had made one). I personally live in Ireland and additionally I make it a practice not to read or watch or listen to the news. I just find it effects my mental health too badly when I do and I figure I will always get to hear, from others, anything which is really relevant to me. I also tend to have a serious doubts about the honesty of any political representative.
I hope that you get to finish your next post soon and I look forward to reading it. Having just finished the 30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge, I am taking a couple of days break and then I have a new challenge which one of my daughters and I (well more her than me it has to be said) came up with and that I want to launch and undertake that one.
Hope you have a super day.
Kind regards ad God bless you.
Kevin.
1. Your writing is beautiful. It clearly shows your true character, and I know in my soul that you are a good man. You can tell quite a bit about a person by the way they write, and I’m telling you… like it or not, you write absolutely beautifully.
2. I absolutely HATE leaving my house. But, it’s called exposure therapy. I’m 35 and have been practicing it since I was 18. I still don’t like it one bit. I get the whole socialization thing, but I don’t like very many people. I’ve been burned one too many times I guess. I’d rather just keep to myself. However, if your therapist recommends it, I can’t disagree. He or she usually knows what’s best.
3. In the beginning, the stalker was just annoying. Then he hacked into all of my friends and families computers just to get info on me. His latest post to me was on my other blog, claiming to have found this one. I panicked. But by morning I had realized that if he had found this one he would have commented on here instead of the other one. It has gone from annoying to very scary and I hope it’s done with very soon. He left me!! He said he didn’t sign up for this (I had an allergic reaction to a medication and was almost hospitalized, but if he loved me at all, he would have taken me to the hospital. Instead, he packed his things and moved back home.) Nice guy…
4. You mentioned doing a 30 Day Mental Illness awareness challenge. Was that a one time thing, or is it something I could do now? I’m trying so hard to find a mental health doctor, but no one accepts my insurance. After all that I’ve been through and that I’ve been diagnosed with, I desperately need a mental health doctor. Unless or until I find one, I want to do all I can to make myself feel better. Writing seems to help immensely. If I could do a writing challenge based on my mental illnesses, perhaps it would be greatly beneficial. So, if there’s anything you could tell me about it, I’d really appreciate it.
Well, I have to go now… I’ve got some writing I’d like to get done before my son gets home from school, and laundry that needs to be finished as well. Then we have to rush off to karate class. I hate it, but because my son loves it so much, I suffer in silence. Normally I bring a book, but my anxiety is too high to even concentrate on what I’m reading. So, who knows what tonight will bring.
Thank you so much from being so kind to me. You have no idea how much I need conversations like these. It seems like everyone else just wants to call me crazy, a basket case, or to go kill myself. I can only tolerate that kind of behavior for so long before I start to slip, and that’s what I’ve been trying so desperately hard NOT to do over the past couple of weeks. So, again, thank you. And I hope to talk with you soon.
Hi Scarlet,
It’s nigh on 11pm here and I have just got home from bible study group and thought I would check my comments and emails before bed.
You really are too kind about my writing. I simply write from the heart and often think it is far to wordy. But I simply don’tknow how to write any other way.
Yes leaving the house ca be very difficult can’t it? I have to be honest, I am not sure I am actually at the stage where I hate it. I just much prefer being at home and I always find social company a little awkward. Although again folk tell me that I am good at it and fun to be around.
The whole stalker thing sounds absolutely awful. I popped over to your blog earlier – using the internet on my phone – and read your latest blog post. Sadly, since I was in the car (I personally don’t drive so was able to sit reading) I didn’t rally have time to read it properly and will read it more fully tomorrow. But it truly saddens me to read what you have been through and how you have been treated. I often sit here reading folks blogs and of what they have been through and wonder at how people can treat each other that way. I have been through some horrendous things in my childhood and life and would never consider treating someone the way some folk seem to.
The 30 Day Mental Illness Awareness Challenge that I spoke of is one that I saw online. Basically there are 30 questions (one for each day – although you don’t have to do them all every day) concerning mental illness and how it impacts your life. If you are interested if you click on the challenges link at the top of my site it will take you to a page where I list all the blogging challenges that I have done. That one (being the last one I have done) is listed at the bottom of that page. I was looking for a way of easing myself back into blogging and found it challenging and rewarding. So please do feel free to check it out. It isn’t a challenge I designed simply one that I enjoyed doing 🙂
I hope that your evening at your son’s Karate class wasn’t too difficult for you or too anxious. I do know how that can be sometimes. I also know how it can be when we can’t even focus enough to read.
And as for me being kind to you, well I really am just being myself and so no extra effort required or spent there and I really don’t think you are a hard person t be kind to. As for calling you crazy, well I can assure you that is something that I would never even consider doing. And I would never consider you a basket case or tell you to do such a thing as to go kill yourself. I have never ever thought that about someone – s could never picture myself ever actually saying it. And I am far more likely to be unkind to myself than I am anyone else.
I do hope the negative expressions and communications that you receive stop and that more positivity is afforded you. No-one deserves to have negativity thrown at them and as I always say, “it is physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually impossible to lift someone when you are busy walking all over them.”
Ok I am off to bed now. Be kind to yourself.
Kind regard and God bless you.
Kevin
I tried to click on all the 30 day challenge posts/pages but it says “Error. Page cannot be displayed.” I know I’m doing something wrong… If possible, could you copy the 30 questions and send them to me? I’d really like to try it.
Thanks,
~Scarlet
Hi Scarlet.
Hm. Not sure what is happening there. But if you click on this link
Click Here
It should take you to the right page.
If not, let me know and I will figure something else out.
🙂
Kevin
Yes, I can see the page, but when I click on the 30 day challenge or day 1 or day 15, the links don’t work. It says page not found.
Hi Scarlet,
Sorry that is my fault. I used to have my own website and when I transferred my wordpress site to it, they automatically converted all the links over to that website address. But the renewal of that site came during a bad episode of mental health for me and so I didn’t get to renew it and then someone else bought the domain address. So I transferred back to wordpress but when I did they didn’t automatically change all the links.
I have just gone into that page and changed them all manually. So it should work now. BUT the last 30 Day Challenge – the one that I have just done is at the bottom of that page not at the top 🙂 The one at the top is a different one which I did years ago.
All the best and kind regards.
And again my apologies for the confusion over the links.
Kevin
Thank you. I’m going to take a look right now!!
Hi Scarlet,
You are of course extremely welcome.
Kind regards and God bless you
Kevin
What time is it in Ireland? Did I mention that my great grandparents came from County Cork? And that I hope to one day visit?
Hi Scarlet,
It is now 11.47 am. Cork is a very pretty place. I live about 2 – 3 hours drive from there and have visited it. Very nice place to visit. I remember writing about it in a post called ‘Never Un-corked” was also over that way about 3 months ago for a week whilst I attended a Christian Conference.
You really should come over and visit. It is lovely.
Kind regards and God bless you
Kevin
Thank you so much for sharing. I think I’m going to give it a try. If you know or hear of any more, please let me know? Thanks again!!
Hi Scarlet.
In hope you find it as beneficial as I did 🙂 I tend to put all the challenges that I do on that page.
I really like doing the challenges as doing them affords me a routine and they often present me with questions I would not have considered.
Looking forward to reading your answers.
Kind regards and God bless you
Kevin
Well, it feels extremely therapeutic to write it all down, so I’m equally looking forward to doing it. I’ll do it on a page and post it at the top, similar to the way you did it. Should I do it day by day or post it after I’ve completed the 30 days?
Hi Scarelt,
glad you got it all sorted. Personally I would post one each day if you are able. And if not, there is nothing wrong with just posting one as and when you can.
Hope that helps 🙂
Kind regards and God bless
Kevin
You put into words many of the things that go through my mind often. And put all the thoughts/actions into a picture I can visualize which makes things a little more clear. Yes, it makes things that don’t make sense, make more sense. 🙂 Thanks for being you Kevin!
Hi Mandi,
It’s always a bit of a double sided coin when someone, like you, takes time to comment and shares how they can relate to something I have said in a post. On the one side I am of course delighted (and if I am honest relieved) that what I said at least made some sense and that someone else can relate to it. But then comes the realization that others are suffering similar things. Which of course brings me no delight or relief.
I just hope that in some way – by our sharing what we are going through – others can know that they are not alone and that there is hope. And that those who do not suffer such things will catch a glimpse of what it is like and perhaps change their perception and understanding.
We are all trying to make sense of this things that we face and perhaps, just perhaps, even when there seems absolutely no sense to it, the very fact that we can and do reach out to each other is what brings some sense into it.
Many thanks for taking time to comment and share.
Hope you are well
Kind regards and God bless you Mandi
Kevin.
I agree with you 100%, I always have a little bit of a hard time when people relate to how I feel. It’s good to have people to relate to, but I wouldn’t wish those bad thoughts and feelings on anyone else. I feel sad about it. But… I try to remember that they were hurting before I came along and maybe having someone to relate to might make the hurt a little less for a little while. My sister in law has DID and we can relate in some areas, but otherwise I don’t know many people with mental illness. I’ve heard every one of those lines meant to encourage but when I’m in “that world” there’s an automatic rebuttal. Nowadays it stays in my mind more often than not as I’ve found that saying what I’m really thinking leads to a debate that will just further frustrate both me and the person trying to help me. I feel a little less crazy knowing that others go through the same kinds of things. Sad, but less alone. God Bless you as well!
Hi Mandi,
Yes I know exactly what you mean 🙂 And yes their hurting is outside of anything that we have done, but hopefully their healing is not. And isn’t that in part one of the motivations for our writing our blogs and opening up the way we do?
I am sorry to hear that your sister in law suffers from DID, I know something about how that is.
You will both be in my heart and my prayers.
Kind regards and God bless you
Kevin
Reblogged this on Musings of An African Woman.
Hi,
Many thanks for reblogging this on your page. It is always reassuring to know that someone has thought what you have written made sense and was worth reblogging.
Kind regards and God bless you,
Kevin.