If I am honest I am not, at this point of my writing this, totally sure if I am doing so by way of an announcement that I am aware of what is going on/what I think is going on OR, as the case may well be, by way of my verbalizing – and thus processing – what seems to be going on at the moment.
But there is, or so it seems to me – divine or otherwise – a plot to make me socialize more.
A plot – if you will – to bring the outside in and/or to make me spend more time outside.
Now whether it be a token of my grumpy old git status (which I am more than happy to have – in a relatively grumpy kind of way) or by way of my Aspergers but the truth is that I much prefer my usual state virtual of isolation.
(Unlike the soul in this wonderful picture by Rhys Griffiths. Which I found over at Art-Spire),
I do in fact go out occasionally. I go to a mid-week Bible Study and of course to Church on a Sunday. (Woohoo aren’t I the veritable party animal?)
And if pressed I even have been known to go shopping every now and then. Although online shopping is, I must confess, my preferred source of groceries and the such.
But of late I have noticed a very real and very definite trend in folk trying to get me outside, and even folk coming in into my world – my safe little bubble which I call home.
The Problem with the Plot:
Don’t people understand that we ‘Aspies’ like – or at very least seem to prefer – isolation? Even if it is not, as is suggested by many folk, good for us?
Heck even as a young man – back when I hid my mental health – I lived in a flat on the top of a very tall seaside building and would – much to the confusion and frustration of my wife – come home from work and close the curtains. Thereby shutting out the world and yes even the picturesque sea-side views. Not to mention a wonderful view of an old church.
From whence does this plot come?
Primarily, it seems, it is coming from my family (and I include some of my church family in that as co-conspirators. They who love me and who know – whilst I am of course reluctant to admit it – that actually I am better off socializing and that isolating is not at all good for me.
Of course I do also accept that the plot might be divinely inspired. Hey I am a Christian and would not a loving heavenly Father also want for me to socialize more if it was good for me?
Hm. My name is Kevin and so I am, at very least, a name-sake of Saint Kevin who was a religious hermit who lived in Glendalough – not many miles away from where I live.
And therewithin lies the essential question doesn’t it? “Should I even be trying to foil the plot?”
Doing what is best verses what is easiest:
IF, and I emphasize that at this point it is still an if, I am better when I do not isolate, and indeed and better off when I socialize, then why do we “Aspies” (as the following video demonstrates) prefer isolation and solitude?
And are we – by choosing isolation and solitude – simply finding a simpler and more convenient solution (an avoidance even) to a much more complicated problem?
As a Christian, I want to do God’s will. And whilst I may have joked (above) about religious or faith-based isolation, the truth is that I do not for one minute believe it to be God’s will for me. So whilst Bible Study groups and Church may not be my most comfortable places to be I do still go to them.
Likewise, as a Father I know that isolation and solitude are not good for my children and so do not encourage it in them.
So being sociable is not my natural preferred state. Isolation is my safe harbor. But if it is not good for me and defeats the purpose of my being then I must fight my natural preferred state and indeed try to accommodate, learn and accept a new state.
But isolation provides security and seclusion. It removes many of the stressors to my mental health and affords me the seclusion to hide my mental health -especially when it is bad. Stepping out from that – or even allowing others to step inside my secluded harbor is scary!
Yes, I often write about my mental health and even share the worst of it – the bad episodes etc. But I do so retrospectively and behind the security of the screen. A virtual sharing if you will. But to actually open up in “real time” so to speak is very scary indeed.
And yet is that not love? Does not love require openness, vulnerability, trust?
So yes, I will comply – albeit reluctantly and very prayerfully – with this plot and see where it leads. LOL Not that I am promising it will be an easy ride or that I will go quietly. BUT I will at least try.