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I haven’t been posting very much lately and I apologize for that but I promise you there have been good reasons and not least of them being that I have needed to keep my leg elevated.  So sitting at my desk has been difficult and limited.

It is Friday evening and I am so very tired.  Sleeping has been so very difficult of late for several different reasons.  Even so I am trying to remain positive and to ‘keep on keeping on’ as they say.

Yesterday was my birthday and I really did have a pleasant day.  My son and his partner came over and bought me probably one of the most thoughtful presents I have ever received – which I am going to keep secret for the time being but will share about in a later post some time down the line.

I managed to keep my birthday a secret from most folks – which always pleases me – and I also managed to get some personal correspondence written. It has been on my mind to write it for some time now but things kept seeming to get in the way.

In my last post “Days of The Crows” I explained how the voices have been at me of late.  I mentioned some of the misunderstandings, falsehoods and the such that have been upsetting me but what I didn’t mention was the underlying environment in which this has all happened.  Mostly because I needed to get my head into a place where I could rationally talk about it.

Regular readers will know that I have for some years now suffered from extremely poor health and as a result of this (well mostly as a result of this) have had a constant battle with my weight.  The more regular reader will know that I also have a condition in my leg which make it swell up from time to time and then go down and stay relatively down (and relatively normal) at other times.

Over the past few months however I have noticed that it has not been going down and in fact has remained constantly swollen.  Over the past 10 days or so not only has the leg been swollen – far more than usual – but the foot on that leg has also become swollen – so much so that even if I can managed to struggle and force my shoe on it I can’t do the thing up.

IMG_0537Additionally the skin in one area at least (I can’t see all of the leg) is starting to break down, which I was warned is the early signs of atrophy and which could very well be the beginning of the end for that leg and might lead to amputation.

I don’t even know how fast that process happens once it has started.

It’s a very scary thought isn’t it?

I mean I try to do all that I can – I have been applying the moisturizer where I can – (not only can I not see all the leg I also can’t reach it all) but whilst the skin damage is still (I hope) in the early stage, it does mean that the breaking down process has begun.  Which, trust me, is both very scary and very worrying.

Apart from one or two close friends at church (and I do mean only one or two) an of course my kids/family, I have not been able to speak about this up until now as somehow the more you speak about it the more real it becomes.  But over the past day or so I have decided that not speaking about it isn’t fair.

I had promised – when starting this blog – that I would, within reason, be honest and open in my writing and who knows there may be others out there who are going through the same thing.

The good news is (and yes I always try to see the good no matter how bad things appear) that I have an appointment on Monday and will be able to get some expert advice on it and I am hoping and praying (and yes please do pray if you have a faith) that the prognosis will not be as bad as my mind thinks (and the voices say) it is.

The truth is however that I just don’t know an will not know until Monday.  But even so, I do have my faith and I do get such strength from that.

gracesufficientAnd I know that whatever happens He will bring me through this!

I probably won’t be posting much over the weekend but hopefully that is just because I am being sensible.  I can post from my iPhone and of course answer comments but if honest I find that difficult and so will probably only answer the occasional comments from there.

But whatever happens I will post on or around Monday and let you know how I got on.  Until then remember God is good and I have absolute faith in Him and in His love.