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Today is day thirteen of my  30 Day Challenge and today’s subject/question is a painful one for me.

Today’s subject is “Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it.”

As I said, I think this is going to be a slightly painful one for me today as it is without fail one subject that I struggle with.

I think anyone who read my post entitled “Depression and It’s Effects On Self-Esteem – The Naked Truth!” will know how much I struggle over my body and my self-esteem.

It truly saddens me how much I have “let myself go” as some people say and how my mental and physical health issues have affected me.  And when you are the size I am it is not something that you can simply ignore.

Although having said that the one thing you will not find in my home (actually there are many things that you won’t find in my home) is a full-length mirror.

Jess C. Scott (fellow author) said, “The body is the best work of art”. Sadly, my immediate response to that quote is “Well as an artist I must be into landscapes and abstracts then.”  Hey, as tragic as such thought/response may be, you have to admit there is some humor to it also.

And it speaks directly into my answer for the subject “Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it.”  Which of course is “What a waist” or should that be “waste”? (actually both are correct.)

Years of depression, poor lifestyle, mental and physical illness have culminated into the body that you see in the aforementioned post and that saddens me so very greatly.

Of course I also agree with the sentiments of Stephen Fry’s quote from his book “Moab is my Washpot” which reads as follows…

It’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.

Just as with Stephen my ‘demons’ have been my angels and we share several interests it would seems and I have to wonder if I would have done the things that I did do were I to have been mentally and physically healthier or more able bodied. Or should that be “less bodied and more able bodied”?

The truth is that I do try not to get disillusioned by the difficulties and sadnesses of life.  When you suffer from depression and suicidal ideation (among other things) one of the things that you have to try to develop in response to them is a determination not to drag yourself into those areas through harmful negative thinking.  The fact is that if they are present as part of your mental health issues they need no help in presenting themselves and you have to do all you can from running headlong into them.

I cannot even begin to explain the kind of thoughts that have already been running though my head since starting this post and  I am only some 9 or 10 paragraphs into it.

There are of course some victories involved here and it is important to remember them.  In truth I was at one point some 32 stone ( 448lbs or 204 Kilos if you prefer)

Thankfully I have lost some of that now over 4 stone (56lbs+ or 25 kilos+) and am still losing it, although not as fast as I would like or if I am honest as fast as I could if I were to try harder.

But then the self-same problems that I face with my mental health – that of isolation and depression, seem to play into my physical health.  Not having anyone physically present to motivate or inspire or encourage you on a daily basis.

Recently, one of my daughters flew over for a visit and I hadn’t seen her for years.  I cannot begin to express how often, prior her arrival, I thought about how large I had become and how much I had let myself go or about how bad my teeth looked.

I am of course still working on losing the wait and I know that I can lose more and that it will have a positive effect on my physical health problems as well as my mental health problems.  But it is a long, hard, lonely battle it seems and in answer to the question, What is “Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it.”  I can give but an honest answer…

“My body is wrecked as a result of years of illness and abuse and I dislike it immensely and in its immensity.  I am therefore not at all comfortable with it.  I praise God that I will have a new body in heaven but until then, with His help, I will seek to naturally improve and repair the body that I have.”