The music is blaring out of the speakers and all the songs that reach me, speak to me, encourage and lift me are either playing, have already been played or are lined up in a play list.
Of course I am not actually dressed as the man in the image and I am not dancing the way he is. But the image amused me somewhat.
I haven’t posted anything noteworthy (excuse the pun) for a while now and the reason for this has been that I have been in a bit of a rut lately.
That can happen can’t it? Especially if you suffer from depression or a similar form of mental illness.
My physical health has been kicking my butt lately and so has my mental health. Not in an extreme way, not so extreme or even an obvious that I or others specifically noticed. No, in a subtle and more protracted way and those are often more dangerous aren’t they?
There have been one or two comments made by those who know me the best, and indicators that have been there and that in hindsight seem obvious. Comments and indicators which should have alerted me to the fact that I was not right.
But sometimes the nothingness is so thick that you don’t even pick up on these things.
My home, whilst still neat and tidy is not as neat nor as tidy as it usually is.
MY books and films etc are not as orderly in their shelves as they usually are. My OCD normally requires them to be extremely organized.
And on the same note my office is less orderly or organized.
I haven’t done any real studying lately.
I haven’t been writing or drawing or painting or doing anything creative lately.
I haven’t been posting or commenting or even emailing as much as I usually do.
And I don’t remember the last time I even played a CD or listened to a song outside of being at church.
And in truth one of the byproducts of living alone is that folk are not around you enough to notice these differences.
(Are you sat there reading this and saying to yourself, “Good grief Kevin how many indicators did you need?”)
It’s an understandable and valid question, but then that is the nature of the nothingness as I call it. And one of the byproducts of living alone is that there is no-one else there who would normally notice these things when you yourself can’t.
Yep, there is no doubt about it. I have been stuck in a rut and didn’t even realize it. One that, it seems, I didn’t just fall into one day but which I seem to have slipped into without noticing.
But no more! I am aware of it now and it is time to get up and get out and one of the quickest ways of doing so is to turn that rut into a groove and take back those things that this rut has taken from me.
Starting with my joy! For me, being a Christian, nothing brings me deeper joy than being able to lose myself in praise and worship.
There is, I am convinced a spiritual element to all things and my strength, I am also convinced, comes mainly from my spiritual life. Hence the Christian music blaring out of my speakers right now.
I am reminded of Paul and the thorn in his side.
I see and know the truth that I have indeed been down. I recognize that now and I know that now. I also know that this, thanks to my mental and physical health is nothing new and that it has been a part of my life for so long now.
But more than this I know that despite it all I have access to great strength.
So having recognized that I prayed, and am still praying. Today is all about prayer and all about praise and worship.
All about walking in His strength and not in my weakness.