It has been building up for weeks now. Or should that be it has been crumbling for weeks now? Sometimes it is hard to tell isn’t it? I mean whether the fog-filled attack is building or whether the strongholds of defense have been weakening?
Logically is it not true that it actually both are correct and that it is a combination of each of them?
I was holding my own. Managing to stay strong. Keep fairly positive. Pretend (at least to others) that it wasn’t as bad as it was.
But attacks come, sadly often from those who are meant to support and encourage you. Those who are meant to know better. Names that you are called in the heat of the moment and yet which cut with cold searing pain that lasts long beyond the moment. Folk you respect and care for pointing out time and time again how it is your fault that relationships didn’t last or work out. How you were the one who failed.
It is the tragic irony of memory problems, well for this sad fool at least that I all too often don’t remember the stuff that I want to, need to, remember and yet can’t forget the stuff that it is unhealthy not to forget.
Like some retro vynal playing it’s scratchy echo over and over again in my brain the tormentors howl and with them the demons prowl.
Confusion that envelopes me and tries to consume me. Yes you may have caused me hell in trying to write this but I will win through no matter how many mstakes i have to correct, edits i need to make.
Urges that are neither healthy nor helpful and which seek only to cut and scar and with each mark to add guilt and shame to the already stacked deck of involuntary self-perecution.
Torments that replay the names called, the accusatory labeling of failure and add to them that others, all others, think these things of you even if they don’t speak them out.
But then that is what paranoid schizophrenia is isn’t it?
Temptations to ‘just let go’, ‘give up’, ‘end this farse’. Are yes I know your name, recognize the shadow that you cast all too often, see you as both tormentor and demon. Suicidal thoughts I know thy name and am familiar with your ways. But you will not have me this night. No not tis night.
I am tired, so desperately tired. But I won’t sleep in your lair. No but I will defy you in your nest, you and all the other demons, all the other tormentors that come to me in the madness and the silence of the night. Yes I will defy you, cut and scar all you like, mark me with pain and brand me with guilt I will find healing and cleansing and forgiveness. Maybe not this night, maybe not this world, maybe not this life, but certainly in the next. And I will damn you by not rushing towards it.