& M.E., Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar DIsorder and Sleep, CFIDS, CFS, Christianity, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Image, Self-Loathing
I find that I am experiencing a certain level of anxious anticipation tonight. Thankfully it isn’t such a major thing and in truth I have been far more anxious at other times. But yes anxious anticipation is definitely the label I would put on how I am feeling this evening.
I find that sometimes, at times like these, I tend to zone out a little and to get lost in my own thoughts. I am sure I am not alone in this and that others will very easily understand where I am coming from.
Tomorrow sees my return to hospital for one of my regular monthly visits and those of you who follow this blog will perhaps recall that my last visit (which is over a month ago now due to my having been ill for the past two weeks) didn’t go so well.
In truth I have made some radical changes to my lifestyle and diet and have done a lot to try to improve things and change the prognosis that I was given – which was depressing to say the least. But I am very mindful that over the past two weeks my efforts have deteriorated drastically as a result of both my illness and the bad weather we have experienced of late.
What concerns me the most is how I am going to react if all of those efforts have shown little fruit or indeed if the past two weeks of flu (and the resultant relative lack of exercise) have undone what good I had done prior to it.
Depression does, as I stated in my article ‘Depression and It’s Effects on Self-Esteem – The Naked Truth!’, have such a link with self-esteem, self-image and in many cases subsequently with body image.
Obesity is a regular companion of depression and that coupled with my CFIDs and heart condition seems to place me in an ever-looping cycle of being able to work towards improved health and sustained life one day and not being able to the next. This can be particularly demoralizing especially when you live alone and effectively have no-one there to motivate and encourage you through the difficult times.
Please don’t get me wong here. I am not complaining, but simply stating the facts.
Thankfully I have an extremely strong faith and additionally I have a pretty well-honed sense of humor as well as such a wonderful bunch of blogging buddies who do provide so much wonderful support and encouragement. But there are lots out there who do not have these things and my heart really does go out to them.
But yes, tonight I am struggling and find that I am so very anxious, I need to rest but my mind won’t close down and I need to pray but I know that even that is going to be a struggle. I also need to sleep. It is almost 2 in the morning and I have to be up in a few hours in order to prepare to leave for the hospital.
So I am going to turn in and see if I can pray and can get some sleep. Tomorrow will bring whatever it brings and the Lord will help me through it.