There are many different perspective concerning mental illness and indeed Bipolar Disorder itself. Some have remarked that the manic part of bipolar is a complete high. The ‘funfair’ part of it all if you will.
Well I personally don’t think the manic part is always a high in terms of ‘happiness’ or fun and I have to ell you that if the manic part is a fun fair the depressed part is definitely the wasteland.
Actually, if you talk to folk who suffer with poor mental health or with mental illness, you get used to words such a “phases” and “episodes” and “levels” and “cycling”.
There is nothing unusual in this and indeed most things have associated with them certain terminology or jargon that is appropriate to that thing.
You might for example hear or read someone saying they think they are entering or exiting a “manic phase” or going into or indeed coming out of a “depressive phase”. And indeed that is perfectly understandable and quite common especially in respect of something like bipolar which in many ways is not only identified but also measured/judged by said phases.
The difficulty is however that it can lead to the misunderstanding or misconception that it has to be one or the other.
The fact is however that in my experience it simply doesn’t and that whilst certainly the ‘poles’ that are synonymous with bi’polar’ disorder are often present there is the huge area inbetween the ‘funfair’ and the ‘wasteland’.
What is also possible and in my personal experience often happens is that you can sometimes be in some yoyoing flux combining elements of both poles.
This weekend seems to have been one such time. Sometimes I am up and other times I am suddenly down and I can find no clear reason for the sporadic variation.
I have, on the face of it, had a really good weekend and have achieved a great deal but along side this I have felt like ‘death warmed up’ and each and every time I see a positive – something I have achieved this weekend – my mind (as if to turn right around, drop its pants, and moon me) throws out the awareness of a number of things that I have also failed to achieve.
I have had a great weekend in so many respects but I am aware that there are things I didn’t achieve but wanted to. I am going to try to remedy that tomorrow.
My physical health has been very poor this weekend and this has been a bit of a downer as it has hindered my attempts to get healthier. (you can follow these attempts here) And fortunately I have been able to achieve some stuff despite this. But it has been my mental health which has been the biggest concern to me.
In many ways it has been good but then right in the middle of my thinking it is good it would suddenly crash and for no apparent reason.
I need to keep an eye on this as these are often the times which prove the most harmful and tonight I have the urge to self-harm. I don’t think I will respond to it badly of follow the urge but it is definitely there. Urges and compulsions are a facet of my mental health and I am very much aware of this but then even being aware doesn’t always remove the risk. I am going to go do some things to try to distract my mind and also to hopefully tire myself out so that I can sleep tonight.