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Yes that is the word for how I have felt today – although I accept that some scholars would argue the validity of it actually even being a word.

I woke up in a restless state with an absence of peace this morning and then read an article concerning a muslim man with mental illness who is facing execution in Ohio regardless of that mental illness and his ability to understand what is actually and is potentially happening to him.  (You can read more on that here ‘Guilt By Dissociation’  if you wish although I do warn you it is somewhat disturbing.)

As the day progressed I found my peace – something which is extremely important to my mental health – coming and going with both positive and negatives happening all day long.

One such negative is in respect of my eyesight.  I am finding it harder to read – even when typing.  Of course the fact that I keep forgetting to wear my glasses may well have something to do with this lol.

On a positive note I heard back from the dietitian who is part of the team dealing with my morbid obesity and how it is affecting my heart and she has agreed the meal plan I designed and so I was able to institute that today and am now eating much healthier.  (If you are really bored and/or want to see what I am up to in respect of my morbid obesity and my [once again started] fight for better physical health you can read this on my Weightloss blog – ‘No More Simply Weighting

[But please be warned that if there is one area of my life where I get so very disillusioned and thus start and stop when it comes to both my efforts and by related blogging it is in respect of my weightloss attempts.]

On the negative my health seems to be yoyoing again thanks to my heart and weight and CFIDS and consequently my exercise plan is following suit – although I am extremely encouraged by my recent efforts regardless of this.

On the positive I was able to pick up the mini-stepper and the exercise bike that dear friends of mine have kindly leant me.  I have been waiting to pick this up for a very long time but not driving myself and the fact that it won’t fit in a normal car has made this very difficult.  BUT thankfully it is now here and I have already started using it.

Perhaps the biggest negative of all is in respect of the recent set of blood tests and the fact that I am still awaiting the results of my Prostate Specific Antigen levels (PSA’s).

For those of you who might have missed my earlier post about this, I have for the past several months been part of a clinical trial trying out new treatment in respect of obesity.

Part of that trial is the regular monthly monitoring of certain things through blood tests – they take about 17 phials (or vials if you prefer) of the stuff out of me each time.

The previous et of results flagged up abnormally high PSA levels and this can indicate the presence of prostate cancer.  Added to this is the fact that rectal bleeding is not uncommon to me.

Having had the final set of bloods taken on the 25th (I think it was) of last month they were going to check it out and contact me with the results.  But I had heard nothing.

So today I sent a text to Doctor in charge and he messaged me back saying he had been called away but would check them on Monday morning when he returned.  This means a few more days of anxious waiting – which is not the best thing for my mental health.

However.  I have a faith and that does provide me with a great deal of comfort and I need to focus on that.  I am tired and still very much unsettled by the day but I am going to bed to pray and then try to get some sleep.

I do however want to thanks so many folk who have been a great source of encouragement throughout this whole process.  You all know who you are but what is more important to me is that you know how precious and valuable you all are.

God bless you all.