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& M.E., Bipolar Disorder, CFIDS, CFS, Christianity and Depression, Christianity and Mental Health, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Obesity, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal
I am mindful that I haven’t blogged anything since last Thursday and to be honest that has been because I am still shell-shocked by what I was told at the Hospital that day.
Those of you who have been following this blog and who have read the post “I Can’t Stand To Fly, I’m Not That Naive” will know that I got some very bleak news from the hospital. The truth is that it has come as a bit of a wake up call. Hopefully not too late!
I want to take this opportunity to thank all those who have sent me comments and messages and emails of support and best wishes.
The way I see it I either give in and just wait for the proposed hospital admission and subsequent surgeries or I start the fight for recovery right now. The latter of these options seems the better to me as, in truth, whilst I may be admitted to hospital next week or next month it could just as easily be 6 months or more away as so many factors are involved in this.
LOL the fact that I don’t seem to have much longer than 6 months according to what I am told seems not to be much of a factor in it all. So that is what I am going to do. Start the fight back to recovery now on the grounds that any improvement is better than none.
So this week sees the start of my positive action to beat my health problems. Truth is I should have done this years ago and the deeper truth i that I have done this many times over the past few years.
Living alone has so many benefits for me but I am not blind to the draw backs that also come with it. A lack of accountability is one of them, a lock of motivation is another.
With a family or a partner you have someone on tap who can be there for you when you need them. Someone to spur you on and encourage and motivate you. In truth I do not have that person and in truth I have yet to find anyone reliable enough to provide that support for me.
Many have claimed they will be there and yet have fallen by the wayside. I have hear all sorts of wonderful promises and yet they are all just empty words.
This is not sour grapes talking nor is it my having a pop at anyone. In truth why shouldn’t they have fallen by the wayside? Folk have their own lives and families and I accept that.
The plain simple truth is that I am, on a day to day basis, pretty much alone in this and I need to face that reality and incorporate it into my approach to things.
And incorporating that into my approach is essential if my approach is to be realistic. I will falter and at times I will fail but those times are not important – what is important is how i respond to them and how I pick myself up and carry on. My depression and mental illnesses will no doubt be a factor in all this but I have to be strong.
What is equally important is that I start on a sure footing and so that is what this week is all about for me. So here are the steps I am taking…
- Some months back I broke the mask on my CPAP machine and that has meant it hasn’t been functioning properly. Additionally, due to nightmares, about 2 months ago I got all caught up in the air hose in my sleep and pulled the machine onto the floor, rendering the humidifier part inactive. I have been in contact with the suppliers of the CPAP machine they have reprogrammed the humidifier part, increased the pressure and are sending me a new mask. This means that I will get more oxygen into my system thus increasing my energy levels.
- I have, thanks to the kindness of a dear friend, ordered a new book entitled, “Carbs & Cals & Protein and Fat” which will aid me in meal planning. The dietitian who is part of the team I saw Thursday showed me it and it really is an excellent and easy to use book.
- I have been measured up for a compression stocking for my swollen leg.
- I am working on a new meal plan which whilst increases the amount of times I eat, (I tend to only eat once a day and sometimes once every two or three days at the moment) will increase my metabolism and provide me with healthier food.
- I have, thanks to another dear friend, gotten access to an exercise bike and a ‘step’ which I can use and my son is arranging transport to bring them round to my house so I can make them a regular feature in my exercise plan.
- I am designing a new timetable which will not only include the new meal plan (taking breaks to eat more regularly but also affording me more structure to my day.
- I am going to, incorporate within my timetable a lot more – getting out of the house time – and hopefully a better sleep pattern having preset bed-times and waking times and trying to stick to them. The increased exercise and more defined structures to my day should aid in this.
- I am going take TJ my dog out for a walk every morning and every evening and I am delighted to be able to say I did both of those today and not just short little walks either! I actually managed long walks.
Here is the area I shall be walking around. I am walking around the outskirts of it. It may not seem much to some but when you are as morbidly obese as I am and suffer from the health conditions I suffer from it really is quite taxing. These photos were taken this morning when TJ and I went for a walk.
Just how successful I will be at this I am not sure but I do know that I am going to give it my best shot.
Earlier I made the statement that, “The plain simple truth is that I am, on a day to day basis, pretty much alone in this and I need to face that reality and incorporate it into my approach to things.”
I want to make it very clear here that I am talking about the fact that I am physically alone most of the time and that I am not discounting the verbal and prayer support that I have already received.
My new church, were very good and prayed with me on Sunday over this health scare and I am very grateful to them for that and the fact that some of the folk there have said they will continue to hold me in prayer. If you have a faith and would like to do that same I would very much appreciate it.
Prayer is such an important thing in life and I recognize that fact. I might be alone on a daily basis and physically and yes indeed this does make it tougher. BUT we are not just physical beings, we are also spiritual beings and I know that my Savour is also with me daily.
As a Christian it is sometimes a simple thing to dismiss the threat of death – 1 Corinth 15:55 “”Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” (NIV) with the assurance of where we are going through Christ. But being a Christian is not only about eternity and what comes after life on this earth. It is also what we do whilst on this earth and I am convinced that He has a plan for me and that plan includes the here and now. 🙂
When you pick yourself up and make a decision about something you really do it and that is so encouraging and so positive.
I am also really pleased to hear your new church is supportive and that your son is there to help with certain things, like arranging transport of things.
Always remember..
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Hi Kiddo,
The truth is that I don’t really have tht many options left to me and should have been more disciplined in my approach in the past. But it is withouth doubt tough. I have just come back from walkiing TJ and man it is a lot tougher when you have just woken up but I am glad that I did it.
Hope you and the boys are well.
Lots of love
I can imagine it was tough this morning, but SO proud of you for going out and walking TJ. I am sure he is really liking this new routine 🙂
My little boy is home now from Disneyland and he had a great time and we managed to survive the ordeal hehehe My big man is having a lot of difficulty with his HS right now, it is flaring and very uncomfortable for him, but on a positive note he gave his first ever sermon last on May 20th and it went very well.
As for me, I am still off my meds and learning to cope and even succeeding in some cases but currently have a very sore back.
We can all do with some changes in our lives and reading about you taking these steps is encouraging and I pray that you continue and that you are healthier as a result and I pray for the strength and motivation to make changes as well.
Love you Always
It’s a pleasure to find someone who can think so claelry
Delighted that you’re taking pre-emptive steps. You really think you are that sick? Six months? I simply cannot imagine it – is the hospital plan one in which they can enhance your health & extend your life, & the quality of it? I did read it this afternoon but honeslty when you said six months…I just couldn’t imagine what to say to you. You are always in my thoughts! I’m sorry that your support system isn’t stronger – I feel liek that’s the case for many of us, but most of us don’t have these lethal co-morbidities that you do.
Stay strong, keep us posted, & I know lots of us are thinking of you. You can’t leave us! No way, man!!!
Big cyber hugs,
Jill
Hi Jill,
Many thanks for your comments and it is good to hear from you. How are you doing?
Yes I am still shell -shocked over it a little. But then I think you have to look at these theings logically. The truth is that the problems with my heart and the difficulties with my obesity are nothing new in and of themselves. 2 years ago I was told by the specialist that, “if I walked outside his office after the consult and dropped dead he wouldn’t be surprised.”
That was 2 years ago now and I am still here so I think I have to look at thigs in perspective and whilst I cannot simply dismiss what they are saying now I also don’t need to let it become a self-fulfilling prophesy so to speak. And besides, I still haven’t gotten into nearly as much trouble as I had planned to so I have to stick around longer 🙂
Sorry I haven’t commented much over at your place lately. I have been reading just haven’t really felt like saying much to anyone. But I think I am getting a little stronger now 🙂
Safe cyber hugs
Kevin.
Dear Kevin,
I absolutely understand, I think that’s why I didn’t comment on yours recently as well, I have just been reading & reading so much trauma kind of numbs the brain & renders us speechless sometimes, so I feel like ‘don’t say anything if you can’t sound like your normal supportive self & ask relevant questions, etc.” but I was just too shocked. I’m glad we all understand each other & how blogging is good for us but how it affects us – we’re all vulnerable & empathetic, so sometimes we can be heartbroken over a post.
Yup, you have to stick around longer, I’ve never been me ‘omelund (that’s my written brogue, sorry if it’s leaning Scots).
And of course I try never to take it personally when I don’t hear from some of my regular blogger buds (except I think I must have turned Zen off… 😦
So glad you’re taking better care, hang in there. Hope I can get to where you’re at – accepting that I have to go it pretty much alone (despite all of the people around me – I find they don’t do much good!). It’s so hard.
Big safe cyber hugs,
Jill
I don’t ‘like’ any of this for you but I love the approach you are taking. I know that it is very hard when you live alone to cope with all this mentally and emotionally but also in having to hold yourself accountable for keepign up with meals and exercise. I struggle with that myself. I am continuing to keep you in my prayers.
Hi Cate,
Good to hear from you and many thanks for you encouragements. Yes I think this road is going to be very tough. I got up this morning and took my dog TJ out for our new early morning walk and man it was tough. BUt I managed it and according to the pedometer I did 1287 steps. I have no idea what that means but hey it is, as I saee it 1287 steps I wouldn’t have taken otherwise. So it has to be a good thing.
I also had a little toast for breakfast when I got back and so I am at least starting to do things right. All I have to do is keep it up now.
I hope you are doing ok? I have been following your blog but haven’t really felt like saying anything much to anyone lately but think I am over that now.
Again many thanks for your encouragement.
Kind Regards
Kevin
Well done for starting the day right. I hope the rest of the day goes okay for you. I’m okay, just ticking by. Sometimes that’s enough. 🙂
Reblogged this on No More Simply Weighting.