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There are, for me personally, fewer times when I sense potential harm (other than of course when the suicidal thoughts and tendencies try to take over) as greatly as when the nothingness comes.

The nothingness (as I call it) is a barren wasteland devoid of emotions and feelings, energy and motivation. It is an emptiness.

 

It is a land where all the colour of life is suddenly bleached away and it is a land I can somehow sometimes fall into without warning.

It is also a land I fell into Sunday evening and which I seem to have remained in ever since.

In truth I had a fairly good weekend.  Saturday I spent some time working around the house, blogging and reading and felt perfectly fine.

Sunday I went to church and thoroughly enjoyed the worship there. Afterwards the friend I was with did a little shopping with her daughter and I accompanied them.

This of course gave me an opportunity to generally make fun, crack jokes and be slightly mischievous – as is often my way – (it is one of the ways in which I cope) and we had a good time.

Sunday afternoon and early evening was also spent with them (and the rest of their family). Plus some old friends from the church I used to attend also came over and again it was an enjoyable time.

Sadly, as can sometimes happen, there was one statement (which was made in total innocence) which launched my paranoia into apoplexy (figuratively speaking that is) but even then I thought and felt like I was having a good time.

Coming home I still felt fine and indeed, despite the fact that I was so incredibly tired, I read some emails, caught up on some blogs and then suddenly just sat looking at my screen as everything seemed to have drained from me.

It was the nothingness.  This colourless, grey, barren, wasteland.  No feelings, no emotions, just an emptiness. A void.

And that nothingness has remained ever since.  Well almost remained.

For the mind, or at least my mind, doesn’t like nothingness. It can’t cope with it.  Has to fill it and it chooses to fill it with unsafe or harmful thoughts.

Will I respond to these thoughts?  I seriously doubt it (although certainly I have the means to do so).  But no.  What I need to do is to just survive this latest barrenness  this latest slump.

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