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Possible Trigger Warning – Sorry

I have suffered with my mental health for many years now and in all that time I have had ups and downs?

Don’t we all?  Isn’t that just part of life?

Well yeah it is and having mental health issues doesn’t make you exempt from that.  Actually if  anything it makes you more prone to that.

Having mental health issues for a long time can do one something else aswell however.

It can give you experience, experience to know when something just isn’t right.  You see the signs and you recognize them for what they are.  Things are starting to fall apart and you need to act.

Signs like finding letters you thought you had already read and hey who knows perhaps you have and just forgot to file them?  Signs like forgetting where you put things?  When you last did something?  Why you came into the room you are standing in?

Signs like the voices getting louder, more insistent, more poignant.

Signs like that over-whelming compulsion to withdraw into a shell.  Inside a shell where I can hide myself, protect myself, and yes sadly even hurt myself.

But then am I not coping?   I can type. Yeah, ok, it is taken hours where usually it takes minutes, but am I not still typing?  Still making sense?

I am leaving taps running only to then notice the sound of the sink overflowing but hey at least I remembered to fill the sink in order to wash?

Episodes of lucidity amidst hours of numbness and confusion replace episodes of numbness and confusion amidst hours of lucidity.  But hey, aren’t they still just episodes?

Pictures take on a whole new depth and meaning.  Speak louder communicate clearer, impact deeper.

This picture draws me in, it appeals to me, calls to me even.  I see peace.  I see strength. I see resilience. But I also see death and storms and deep sadness all around that strong, peaceful, resilient tree.

The first picture up above I delight in and yet with deep sadness (if that even makes sense) because it is how I am feeling.  How I am realizing things are right now.

I am beginning to ramble I think – yeah another of those signs.  So I am going to close with one last picture.  It is one that I found on a blog called “Ownerless Mind”  I know no the origin of the picture and mention the blog purely in order to respect the fact that I got the picture from there.

As a Christian, I cannot and do not make any claim to agree with that blogs philosophy nor do I have any links with the belief system normally associated with the subject in the picture.  It is simply an incredibly beautiful and inspirational picture and one that speaks deeply to me.

In this post I have opened up a little about how I am at this moment.  Where I am at.  What I am experiencing.  I honestly have tried very hard to be real and yet not real pessimistic.

As a child I would put a shell to my ear and believe I could hear the sea. Yeah of course I now know I wasn’t ever really hearing the sea.  But my father told me I was so I believed I was.

Today I don’t want a shell in order to hear the sea my father once told me I could hear

Today I need to resist hiding within a shell and instead – leaving the shell be – I need to understand.  To understand the world.  To understand what is happening to me.  To understand me.  To hear the world instead of that sea of voices and most of all to hear my Father.  My heavenly Father.

And even if I can’t hear Him. I know He still hears me.

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