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I wonder if that is a term that you ever consider, or if not that exact term whether you ever consider that kind of behaviour?

Do you see it in others?  Do you see it on yourself?  Are you able to recognize it in others much quicker or far easier than you recognize it in yourself?

Are you ever guilty of self-destructive behaviour?  Is it something you only seem to recognize in hindsight?

I found this t-shirt over on zazzle.co.uk and do you know what?  I truly think all of my clothes need to be fitted with a self-destruct button.  Heck it would be a lot quicker and much more humane than some of the slower more painful and protracted methods I seem to employ in order to partially self-destruct.

Do you ever feel yourself slipping into a depressive episode and yet fail to do anything about it?  Perhaps it is that you are already too far gone to care or to lethargic or depressed to be able to get motivated?

Do you ever see yourself approaching a manic episode and again do nothing about it.  Perhaps the mania has already started to take hold and it is a forgone conclusion.

As a child I think I had a Scalextric™ set.  I say I think I do as my memory of my childhood is pretty sparse but if I didn’t I am sure either my older or younger brother did and even if they and I didn’t I do know that my son Matthew had one and possibly a Total Control Racing™ car set.

They are great fun – cars whizzing around a plastic track at high speeds.  I remember Matthew having a Rover police car with flashing lights and siren sounds.  Hm I wonder if I actually bought it for him or just as an excuse to give me something to play with?  Nah I am sure it was for him (mainly lol).

The thing is that there was a level of certain predictability with both of those racing car sets.  That predictability being that if your car was going too fast when you hit a chicane, a crossover, or a turning it would inevitably fly off the track.

And here’s thew strange thing about it.  So many of us (and I very much include myself in this) even thought we are fully aware of that inevitability often failed to slow down in readiness!

It was as if either we just got too caught up in the race and the determination to beat the person we were racing or we simply defied the odds and thought that ‘this time’ we could get away with it.

Of course we almost never did ‘get away with it’.  Not that that taught us anything, (well not me at least).

But the sad thing is that I have to confess that in so many ways that Scalextric™ Track and even more sadly my approach to it, is very much like my mental and even my physical health and the way I approach it.

For a couple of weeks now I have been battling with this flu and seem unable to shift it.  I have felt so very tired and fatigued.  My CFIDS is kicking my butt once again and on top of all that I have been experiencing dizzy spells.

Additionally I have noticed that my mental health has been getting progressively worse – just like it does immediately before I enter into an episode and yet I am still pushing myself and  doing too much.

I don’t know what it is about me that makes me do this?  I do know that I dislike being sick and inactive for any length of time – which given my health is something that I can’t avoid.  And perhaps this has something to do with it.

But the truth is that I know that when it  comes to my mental health – I am approaching a chicane, a crossover, or a turning and I am failing to slow down.

Again I am fully aware fo the inevitability of approaching this too fast and yet again I am doing nothing about it.

Am I the only one who does this?  Or is it something common within those of us who do suffer from poor mental health?

To be perfectly honest I just don’t know and in fact to be perfectly honest I am not sure just what I could do about it.

This evening I went to make a coffee and once again got hit by a sudden unexpected dizzy spell.  I had not exerted myself at all, I hadn’t just stood up, I can find no logical obvious reason for it but bang there it was.

I had been sat relaxing and watching some television and fancied a drink and so got up to go make one.  I went into kitchen and filled the kettle and put it on to boil and was then stood perfectly calmly watching television in the kitchen when bang it hit me.

I grabbed at the counters in my kitchen in order to steady myself and remained there for a little while.  Then grabbing for one of my kitchen chairs I sat down for a bit and then after a little while felt ok again so made that drink.  I then carefully made my way to my study and checked my blood sugars ( I am diabetic) and they were ok.  Not great but ok and certainly not anywhere bad enough to cause such a spell.

I have decided that I am, going to go to bed tonight (well this morning since it is now 1 am) and have a lay in tomorrow and try to pace myself tomorrow.  Not that I did a great deal of strenuous activity today, having spent most of the day in my study working at the computer.

What will happen in respect of the impending episode I am just not sure.  When it will actually hit me full-force and with how much force I again do not know.

But what is even more concerning is that I don’t know how to stop it or to prepare myself for it.

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