There are several things in life that I find hard to accept. Intolerance, injustice, neglect, abuse, bigotry, the list goes on . Thankfully I don’t have to deal with those very often and even when I do it is often indirectly or they are somehow detached or removed.
One of the things that is far less important on the world-wide scale but far more direct and far more personal to me is wasted days.
Wasted days. Days when I am forced to spend almost of my time in bed resting and when I jut can’t do anything else but rest,
I need to be active, have my mind active – in a directed, healthy, purposeful, way. Not being able to, not being able to focus my mind properly and not being physically able to get things done really bothers me and if I am honest depresses me greatly.
Not least of all because it is a wake up call or an in-your-face reminder about my health and how bad it is. And that really bothers me.
Many years back – in 1999 they built me a wheelchair and told me that within six months I would be spending most of my time in it. I refused to accept that as I could think of very few things that would be worse. So I decided not to use it.
Additionally I am a very big guy and someone trying to wheel me around is kind of like stuffing a hippo in a wheelbarrow and asking someone to push. Simply not likely to happen and definitely not a good idea.
Laying in bed completely exhausted and unable to move very much, struggling to breath and with a head that feels like it is going to explode is no fun at all and get’s boring so very quickly. Additionally this breast lump is still bothering me.
So I pulled myself up, grabbed a laptop and decided to write something. And you know what, I may pay for having done so, but I am glad that I did. Not least of all because it reminded me that even though I am so sick, and even though I do feel like I have wasted a complete day, the fact is that it is still only one day, maybe two or three days depending on how I feel tomorrow and the next day.
Just a day or two out of a week, a month, a year, that I am still able to do thing despite my health.
I am tiring again and need to lay down. But I managed it. I wrote something and I got up out of bed for a few minute (or at least sat up in bed) and I am thankful. Thankful that I could and thankful that there is still hope.