Yep today is the day of the three L’s Lists, Lumps and Lethargy. I am sure I could find more words beginning with L which would be appropriate but to be honest I really can’t be honest. Did I mention Lethargy? LOL
In many ways I should be pleased or in a positive frame of mind today. Things are generally going well. Nothing too outlandish happening, positive improvements with relationships, no obvious signs of mania, and I have actually dealt with some of the important day-to-day stuff that needed to be dealt with.
And yet I am not in a positive frame of mind at all. Actually I am incredibly low.
There are things I want to achieve. Items that I have listed that I either need to attend to or really just want to attend to. Objectives set and not yet realized.
I wanted to start writing properly again, and although I know that my focus, memory and comprehension are still not up to par I am at least hopeful that I can struggle through and hey – who knows – perhaps by struggling through it will work like some sort of mental work out and lead to better mental health. Certainly that is possible.
I want to start singing again. It is a long time since I sang properly and I miss it. Perhaps record a few tracks but then the recording quality on my computer isn’t good enough and the personal recorder/dictaphone that I was going to by last time I had some spare cash slipped my mind.
I wanted to record some new poetry but can’t really do that yet (for the same reason as above).
Sort out the spare room
Work more on the family ancestry and on friend’s family ancestry
Yep there are definitely things that I have listed and yet have not done them.
Hidradenitis suppurativa is a nasty little condition that mainly affects the areas with apocrine sweat glands and subaceous glands. Basically that means the warmer places on the body. Inner thighs, groin, buttocks, under the arms, breasts (including manboobs) and which can manifest in chronic abscesses, epidermoid cysts, sebaceous cysts, pilonidal cyst or multilocalised infections.
Actually it hasn’t been too bad of late but seems to be back with a vengeance and that really drags me down as it means extra cleaning, laundry and most of all discomfort.
The lump that is my right leg also seems to be depressing me somewhat lately. It is uncomfortable to say the least and the only treatment that can be offered now are these full length, very tight, very heavy flat weave compression stockings that cost about 150 each and whilst the hospital are willing to pay for them I have enough trouble getting normal socks on. Heaven only knows how much extra trouble I am going to have with these and additionally I am not sure I can even have them what with this current worsening in my Hidradenitis suppurativa.
And then there is the good old breast lump which has returned again. I think this is now the fourth or firth time and whilst part of me is able to accept that it is only an infection I can’t help wondering why it always returns and why always in the same place – directly under the nipple and at the end of the day it is darned uncomfortable – both painful and inflamed.
But I think over and above all of the other stuff, the one thing that drags me down quicker than any other thing is this darned lethargy.
I am just so fatigued and so tired and so weak.
Even getting out of bed is virtually too much for me at the moment and staying out of bed for any length of time really isn’t a runner. I would say that I probably spent 21 – 22 hours of the past 24 hours in my bed and I really don’t like that. I like to be fairly active – if not physically then mentally at least – and yet I just don’t seem able to stay up very much at all lately.
I do my best to push through it, mindful that some of it could possibly be down to the depression but I know my body and I have been dealing with this for many a year now and I know that it goes beyond the depression. Although I do readily accept that the lengthy discussion I had with the psychiatrist at the hospital has got my mind fixating on something and that is dragging me down also. Perhaps I will blog about that tomorrow if I am able. Who knows.
Still desperate to remain positive, I am aware that this is no doubt yet another phase in the repetitive cycle that I and hundreds of thousands of other poor mental health sufferers go through, and that a) many go through far worse than I do and b) at the end of the day it will hopefully only last for a short amount of time before changing for a while.
But I have to admit it really is kicking my butt this time and really dragging me down.