Yes I know that is a really strange title for a post but hey you should know me and strange titles by now and I promise it does make sense really.
First the Whale in a Sardine Can.
Tomorrow I am off up county for more treatment. This entails me getting up extremely early tomorrow morning, making my way to the pickup point and then being collected by Hospital Transport and driven for a couple of hours up country to my appointment followed by a particularly long and tiring day before doing the whole transport thing in reverse in order to get home again.
Now please don’t get me wrong here. I am totally sincere when I say that I really do appreciate having hospital transport as a service available to me here in Ireland and in truth I have no idea how I would make the journey and thus get my treatments if it were not for hospital transport.
However, hospital transport in this case means a particularly long and bumpy ride in a particularly small, narrow and very crowded mini bus and I am neither small nor am I narrow nor am I a very good traveler at the best of times. In fact I am quite the opposite.
So if you want to imagine what it is like then picture yourself taking a whale jamming it into a sardine can, attaching the whole thing to the tail of a dog and letting a cat run past. There now didn’t I promise the title would make sense and certainly that is the ‘Whale In A Sardine’ part covered.
Which of course only leaves the ‘Sprat In the Sea’ part…
For those of you who are unfamiliar with “sprats” (and I say that because I am mindful that this blog is read by people from numerous countries but unsure whether Sprats are actually called sprats in those countries) a sprat is also called a brisling or a bristling and is a small fish from northeast Atlantic waters, among other places, that is often smoked and canned in oil and sold as – yes you guessed it – a sardine.
In much the same way that a sprat is small and living and not only very insignificant but also at great risk within an a very large sea, so too does my sanity seem at the moment. Within all the thoughts that appear to be swimming around my mind lately I am sure a small sprat-like healthy and rational thought or even a small school of them is in there somewhere. Only tr0uble is that they really are so very small, insignificant and pretty much lost within such a big sea.
I have little to no doubt that actually this is but a continuation of what has been happening to me in respect of my mental health over the past couple of days but I have to admit that it does worry me some.
On a more positive note I am far more stable today/tonight than I was last night and I really do think that taking it easy all day today has helped in that respect. I am however extremely anxious about what effect tomorrow’s traveling and hospital visit will have on me. Actually I could very well have cancelled the whole thing tomorrow and rearranged it for another date but I am keen to try to push through it all and to see what happens.
Perhaps this will prove to be unwise and those little sprats of rational or healthy thoughts will be swallowed up by the seemingly larger and more aggressive irrational and unhealthy thoughts or maybe this will prove to give me greater confidence in respect of dealing with these situations in the future and what little rational and healthy thoughts appear to be there at the moment will survive. I rally don’t know. BUT I am keen to find out.