With the same frequency as other people seem to lose or misplace their keys or their spectacles or their cell phones, I seem to lose or misplace my mind.
Hm perhaps I should have one of those little noise responsive key rings surgically attached to it. Do you remember those thing? I don’t think they ever really caught on but were a little key ring that would flash and play a sound whenever you whistled in their general vicinity.
It occurred to me, late Thursday evening, that I had a hospital appointment in Dublin this week. Only problem is I couldn’t remember which day it was for.
I recalled having my last hospital appointment in Dublin back at the end of November. I go there every four weeks for treatment and spend the day their being seen or treated by four or five different doctors etc all in the same day.
I also recalled there being some conversation about my not being able to have my next (four weekly appointment) in December when I should have had it because of it falling during the Christmas and New Year period and thus it being slightly delayed until this week. But I couldn’t for the life of me remember what day this week. I thought it might be either today or tomorrow and so just to be safe booked transport for today.
This led to a frantic and wide-spread hunt by officials and numerous volunteers and which spanned several rooms, numerous coats, drawers and boxes and that proved to be fruitless and which eventually had to be called off as a result of poor light and adverse weather conditions. OK I admit it, that last bit is just me being silly actually I just gave up looking although I really had pretty much exhausted all logical possibilities.
Friday I made numerous calls to the hospital in order to check with the department I was to be seeing but got no answer and then in the end left a message for that department or somebody from it to call me back. I even sent them a text but received no responses from either attempts.
I should perhaps explain that I live in Ireland and the Irish do have a very laid back “Ah sure, it’ll be grand” attitude to a lot of things – it can be most frustrating at times but generally is quite endearing and is all part of what makes the Irish so loveable.
But I digress slightly. So all weekend I searched for this appointment card checking and re checking and then checking again every possible logical location I could think of but to no avail. Additionally I searched, checked, rechecked and then checked again my brain for a hint of recollection of the elusive date of the forth-coming appointment but again to no avail. I even scoured this and my other blogs in case I had made mention of the date.
It is one of the aspects of my mental health that I find the most frustrating. I know that I am making the whole thing seem slightly humorous and am indeed explaining what happened in a somewhat jovial manner now it is over but the truth is that I really do struggle with this self-doubt and uncertainty over certain things and my mind just won’t let up about it. I cannot even begin to express how difficult a weekend it has been for me over all this and yes I know it is silly and at the end of the day it is only a hospital appointment but then my mind is like that. I am sure others will understand exactly what it is like.
Anyway, so last night I dutifully fasted all night and very early this morning I got up and, having booked the transport just in case, decided to go to the Hospital just in case it was today. Again – for the point of clarification – I should explain that I have to leave to go to Dublin very early in the morning as I live at least a couple of hours away by transport and the endocrinology department I have to attend doesn’t start until 9am. By which time of course I was two-thirds of the way there.
Arriving at the Department and going to the reception, I gave my name and was met with a puzzled expression on the face of the receptionist and the announcement that my appointment wasn’t until tomorrow.
See I knew that would happen! I just knew that when I arrived today I would be told my appointment wasn’t until tomorrow! But then I also knew that had I not gone today and turned up tomorrow I would be told that I had missed my appointment as it was for today.
See that is what my mind does to me! It plays games with me and unless I have total prove to the contrary it flagged up numerous possibilities, probabilities or scenarios etc. I get so very tired by this constant battle with my mind and so frustrated by the lack of certainty about certain things when I am usually so very sure about other things.
Thankfully it all turned out alright. I explained what had happened and that I really had called several times on Friday and even left a message. At first the receptionist was a little doubtful explaining that although she personally wasn’t working on Friday, if I had left a message a note of it would have been made in their diary on Friday and someone would have called me back.
Again I started to doubt myself. Had I really called them? I was sure I had called them! But what if I hadn’t called them and only thought that I had called them? Despite the battle with self-doubt that was waging in my mind at the time I explained that I really did think I had called several times on Friday and even left a message.
Knowing a little of the struggles that I have mentally and seeing the frustration with myself and the situation, the reception – who really is very nice – again explained that she personally wasn’t working on Friday but that had I of called there would have been a note of my call and message made in the diary and a note confirming they had returned my call. She even picked up the diary and turned to Friday’s page to show me that it wasn’t there.
LOL One slight difficulty with that last gesture however. My name and a record of my call was there! What wasn’t there however was any mention of anyone having called me back! (Which would of course be because they hadn’t!)
Several apologies later and she had very kindly arranged for each of the people I was due to see tomorrow to actually see me today albeit much later in the day.
I cannot begin to express the relief that is experienced when you find out that you didn’t make it all up in your mind – the having called on Friday part I mean, and yet all this is still within a mental malaise of having forgotten the original date and misplaced the appointment card in the first place.
So with that in mind, and so as not to have a repeat performance of all this) my next appointment is for additional treatment Tuesday next week (17th January 2012) at 11.00 and I have to fast from the night before and the next normal appointment is for Thursday 23rd February 2012 at 10.30 – although I have to reschedule that one as I am already in Dublin seeing my daughter off as she flies back to the States that day having been over for a vacation for a couple of weeks.
I have also written these appointments in my diary (which of course I didn’t have for this year back in November) and on my new phone.
Getting home from the hospital I was so very tired. The physical exertion coupled with the mental conflict all weekend had taken its toll and done a number on me. Coming indoors I fed TJ my dog, grabbed something to eat for myself and then fell into bed and stayed there until now.
Of course my brain wasn’t resting whilst I myself was laying in bed recouping from the day’s activities. No of course not, it wouldn’t do that now would it.
No, instead it, and thus I, have processed everything that has happened and performed a full postmortem on the entire weekend’s, and of course today’s e,vents. It is another facet of my mental health, things that happen never just happen they always have to be processed, reviewed, put through a full postmortem with full accountability being expected and demanded of myself.
I am convinced that this inability for my mind to shut down or even slow down is part and parcel of my inability to sleep and that this in turn is part of my inability to focus sometimes and my inability to remember sometimes. It is the “crazy loop” as I call it. A cycle of connected impacting effects that are all detrimental too each other and thus me.
The question is, “is this simply a loop or is it a spiral staircase leading down into the padded cell of insanity?” Of course the question then becomes, “and if so how far down that staircase am I?” or “at which point on that spiral staircase do I misplace my mind for ever?” Perhaps that is the insanity itself. That somewhere on that staircase I lose my mind forever and then spend the rest of my days sat in that padded cell repeatedly asking anyone and everyone who visits..
“Um, you didn’t happen to notice where I left my mind did you?”