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Another sleepless night thanks to the voices. Seriously there is only a certain amount of sleeplessness any one can take and I am really struggling with it all.
The voices and paranoia have been bad for a while now and were made even worse yesterday evening. Whereas I have at least been able to get the occasional twenty or thirty minutes dozing here and there since yesterday evening I have not been able to get my mind to shut down or even slow down long enough for me to even doze let alone actually sleep.
This is now getting extremely worrying and I don’t know how to address it. Nothing I try to do seems to settle my mind and thus sleep avoids me yet again. My eyes aren’t focusing properly and my mind is focusing even less. Even this little post has taken me five or six times longer than usual to write thanks to all the corrections.
I need to shut down somehow but am not sure how.
Voices of Glass 
I hope you don’t mind me asking, but, what are the voices like? I wrote something about my own voices in Imaginary Enemies.I don’t want you to think that you are a spectacle, because you’re not. I’m trying to find a common thread among various Dxs.
I hear The Voice and sometimes, it feels like it’s such a far cry from myself. But, I don’t hear it as if it were an external being, if you know what I mean. It’s something that speaks to me from my own mind, as a part of myself, no matter how detacted I feel from it.
I know my voice is different from yours. I’d love for you to share, if you feel comfortable. Sometimes, I feel like there is a crowded cafeteria in there. So much noise in my head. And the anxiety makes it worse. The nagging, worrisome, intrusive thoughts that keep me up late into the night. It’s overwhelming sometimes.
What is it like for you?
Hi Lulu
Firstly, thank you for giving me permission to address you this way. I must admit that I often feel very clumsy when addressing people by part or all of their usernames.
No of course I don’t mind you asking about my voices. Actually I have documented a little about what they are like and will provide links to these posts below.
I agree with you that most sufferer’s voices contain a uniqueness to them personally although my experience is certainly that there are some commonalities between experiences. For me personally the experiences vary in severity and subsequent to that in how they manifest themselves. I do, I am fairly convinced, know exactly what you mean when you say, “I hear The Voice and sometimes, it feels like it’s such a far cry from myself. But, I don’t hear it as if it were an external being, if you know what I mean?”
I am the same way and to be totally honest sometimes I find it difficult to work out if they are voices or thoughts mainly because of the removed or separated or disconnected and yet so painfully connected nature of them.
As for what it is like in the reality of my perception again this alters according to how I am mentally, other contributory factors and indeed their severity.
I guess the best way for me to explain it to you would be for me to point you to the most relevant posts I have made on them to date.
Firstly I guess, if you look at the top of the page on this blog you will see a tab entitled “About Voices of Glass”. This should take you to a page where I attempted to “generally” explain them and their effect on me little. Or if this is simpler for you simply Click Here.
Secondly, I wrote a post a while back now called “The Dialogue of Me, My selfs and I” and again this is my attempt to document one such dialogue that I and the voices have had. This link should take you there. The Dialogue of Me, Myselfs and I
Lastly, I have a passion for poetry (although I haven’t been able to focus enough to write any for a while now) and I have a poetry blog. On that blog you will find many poems on various topics and one of them is about my “Voices of Glass”.
The link to that particular page on that blog is as follows –“Voices of Glass”
At the foot of the typed poem you will find two sets of speaker and black arrow icons within grey boxes (One above the other). Clicking on the first/top black arrow should play an audio recording of the poem as written.
Clicking on the second/lower black arrow should then play the same poem but with an example of the “Voices” overlaid.
BUT I need to explain a couple of things BEFORE you click on those arrows….
Firstly the recordings aren’t great, just me sat at my computer.
Secondly, I wrote the poem a couple of years back now and tried through it to explain both the Paranoid Schizophrenia and the MPD/DID I have been diagnosed with.
Thirdly and perhaps most importantly, some people can find the second recording of the poem (the one with voices overlaid) a little distressing. I apologize if this is the case but then that really was the purpose of the exercise – to give an indication of what it is like.
I really hope that these help but if you would like to know more please do feel free to ask as that is pretty much what this blog is all about. Sharing information and trying to help. Hope all the links work for you.
Kind regards.
Kevin.
Kevin, this has actually be enlightening. I’m so glad that you’re here in cyberspace to share this with me. I left you a comment on Me, Myselfs, and I. There are striking similarities between your voices and mine.
I’ve asked doctors to explain what the discourse in my head means. Is this really a part of bipolar disorder? I don’t really understand. They don’t appear as auditory hallucinations. But, I am an auditory learner, because my vision was so poor as a child. And probably partially because I’m musically inclined. It is literally all happening as parts of seemingly two or more consciousnesses. Sometimes, I’ve gone as far as outwardly talking to myself to relieve some of the internal noise.
How do you experience it? Does it feel like an outside voice, or an inside voice? I’ve always had an inside voice. It started very young as my reading voice. I’d read words and a millisecond later, I’d hear them in my mind. It happened with music too. I’d hear music, and I’d be able to replay it later in my mind. That’s why I can pick up melodies and harmonies so easily. But one day, around the time I became symptomatic, the reading voice seemingly took a mind of it’s own.
Doctors have told me that because it’s an inside voice, then it’s not really symptomatic of anything. They’ve told me that it was “normal” to have a discourse in my head. It was just the way my brain worked things out. I’ve always questioned that. Is it supposed to be so noisy in there? And if so, why did the medication take it away? (Mostly).
Hi Lulu,
I am glad that this has helped and whilst I am sorry that there are striking similarities between my voices and yours, because it means you are suffering, I m glad that at least you know you are not alone and that others experience the same or similar things as you.
You mentioned that you have “asked doctors to explain what the discourse in your head means.” and have asked “Is this really a part of bipolar disorder?” saying, and very understandably so, that you “don’t really understand.”
In my experience, and I am by no means either an expert or a mental health practitioner, no this is not specifically a part of the bipolar disorder as such. It is however very common for such disorders to be accompanied with some for of psychosis and I would say that the voices are a part of that psychosis rather than being past of the bipolar disorder.
Additionally, the chances of getting a clear diagnosis nowadays is quite limited in my experiences. I wrote a post on this very subject a few days back as I seem to recall. You can read it here if you are interested.
In terms of whether or not they (your voices) are actually auditory or not all I can tell you is that my experience is that very often it is hard to determine. As I mentioned in a previous response, I sometimes find it hard to determine between voices and thoughts. You mention that “They don’t appear as auditory hallucinations. But, I am an auditory learner, because my vision was so poor as a child. And probably partially because I’m musically inclined.”
Again I emphasize that I am neither an expert nor a mental health practitioner, and I can only offer you my albeit limited understanding here. I think there is a very definite mental conflict between logic and experience when we experience voices. The ‘perceived reality’ of them places them into a “very real external audible state” for us. However our logic tells us that they are neither ‘real’ nor ‘external’ and thus they can only be ‘internal’ and ‘hallucinatory’ in essence. But the conflict between ‘perception’ and ‘logic’ only serves to confuse and exasperate the struggles.
I think this goes a long way towards explaining the “It is literally all happening as parts of seemingly two or more consciousnesses.” that you mention. And as you can see from my posts, I so very much understand your reaction where you say that “Sometimes, I’ve gone as far as outwardly talking to myself to relieve some of the internal noise.” Personally, I try to actively avoid outwardly verbalizing a dialogue with them but that stems from a fear of being treated badly by others witnessing this.
So in answer to your questions, “How do you experience it? Does it feel like an outside voice, or an inside voice?” I have to admit that my best albeit somewhat unsatisfactory answer has to be that to me they sound like external voices inside my head. If that makes any sense at all?
You went on to say that you have “always had an inside voice.” saying that “It started very young as my reading voice. I’d read words and a millisecond later, I’d hear them in my mind. It happened with music too. I’d hear music, and I’d be able to replay it later in my mind. That’s why I can pick up melodies and harmonies so easily. But one day, around the time I became symptomatic, the reading voice seemingly took a mind of it’s own.”
I can so relate to this and also to your doctor’s responses of “because it’s an inside voice, then it’s not really symptomatic of anything.” They went on to say that “They’ve told me that it was “normal” to have a discourse in my head. It was just the way my brain worked things out.”
My personal experience and knowledge is that they are indeed correct in saying that an ‘internal dialogue’ is ‘normal’ BUT I would have to say that I disagree that either your or my level and type of internal dialogue is normal and thus I disagree with their statement that it isn’t symptomatic of anything. would also have to say that I think this explains your comment, “I’ve always questioned that. Is it supposed to be so noisy in there? And if so, why did the medication take it away? (Mostly).” The medication’s effects do in many ways confirm the abnormality of your experiences by virtue of the fact that it brings you closer to normality.
Lulu I am mindful that there are seemingly few direct or definite answers in this my response to your questions. I apologize for this but the truth is that I don’t think there are any definite answers here. Whilst there are some commonalities, each of us do experience things uniquely and that uniqueness both increases the number of ways these difficulties are experienced by folk and thus subsequently reduces the availability of “definites” or ‘absolutes’ on offer to us.
I would have to say however that I agree with you there are it seems striking similarities between our experiences and I hope my comments and sharing helps in some way.
Kind regards.
Kevin.
It’s perfectly okay that there’s really nothing definitive there. I don’t expect anyone to really have the answer. Not even the doctors. They were wrong about my first diagnosis (MDD). I’ve accepted the fact that they could be mistaken about BP, or, that’s not the whole story.
My symptoms have been classified as BP II, so I, in theory, shouldn’t have any psychotic features. I have told my doctor time and time again that I have delusions. But, in BP, delusions are reserved for mania. The delusions originated in depressive episodes. I would get a negative idea in my head and my various consciousness’ would run with it. It was a self-perpetuating, vicious cycle. Eventually, it moved into the hypomania.
My own perception of them is not exactly audiable. I hear it, but I know, without even being told, that it is not external. It doesn’t even sound external, really. You know how it sounds when someone talks into your ear? It sounds like that, except there’s no physical sensation that comes with hearing. There’s no sensory process that activates. It’s odd that I can say that I actually have a sensation of my cognitive functions, but it’s just some kind of internal recognition. Conscious recognition of what is supposed to be an unconscious process. My brain works in some seriously mysterious ways.
So, I suppose that somewhere in there is a definitive line between reality and everything else. Okay, badly phrased. There’s a line that’s kind of like a line on the road. Sometimes it’s extremely defined and sometimes it’s not. That’s where my emotions come into play. My mind tells me that if I feel something, than it’s real when my cognition can find physical evidence. The problem comes in when my cognition bends things to look different when placed in a certain life. “No one loves you.” And my brain can find a great amount of instances where someone I loved hurt me. It puts it in a context that makes it look intentional. Then, it paints the good things in a light that makes it look sinister, like I was once only liked, but then someone got to know how awful I was and turned on me.
I’m glad that you’ve taken your own time to answer my questions and write with me. And I’m so very glad that you could help me clear a few things up. I’ve had certain suspicions involving my diagnosis for awhile now. You’ve helped me understand the nature of something that’s always been mysterious and indescribable. And you’ve helped me feel like it isn’t something shameful. To note: I’ve only ever had those vocal conversations in private. I wouldn’t dream of doing it in the company of anyone else. Though, I have related it to a couple of close friends and my husband.
Thank you!
All my best,
Lulu