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I managed to get up fairly early this morning despite not having slept very well last night.  But then again sleep is, as I said in a previous posting, my reluctant mistress and so my not spending the night with her is no news at all.

Despite being very tired I did manage to get some things done around the house and I also managed to catch up on some paper work that I have been wanting to do.

Earlier this evening my doorbell rang and it was someone from the church I used to attend.  He and his young son had brought round a Christmas card and a cake that his wife had baked for me.

We talked for a few  minutes on the doorstep but I just didn’t have it in me to invite them in.  Partly because the house was not tidy, partly because TJ was out and it would have entailed me getting him in etc and partly because I just didn’t want to.

I have to profess that I was torn even about accepting the card and cake.  Part of me wanted to say, “Thanks, but no thanks, I have neither seen nor heard from you for months why should you bother now, just because it is Christmas?” and the other part of me – the better more loving and forgiving part really did appreciate the gesture.

After they had gone I returned to what I was doing but was very much aware that I really should have invited them in and actually that I may have been more hurt by things in the past than I had realized as certainly it seems that I am still carrying some hurt over that church.

I think it is always a difficult consideration for a Christian when we are hurt.  It is a very difficult juggling act – protecting yourselves from further hurt versus wanted to be forgiving and loving versus not wanting to empower, enable or encourage bad behavior,  Certainly it seems to be a juggling act that I am constantly forced to face – people who only want you on their terms or when it suits you and yet talk a good talk about love etc.

So I spent the rest of the evening mulling this over and trying to decide what to do with the Christmas card and a couple of others that I have received.  I am alone for Christmas this year and really looking forward to it but at the same time I have absolutely no intention of celebrating Christmas.  Although I might just cook myself a couple of turkey burgers on Christmas day just to be festive LOL.

I also managed to catch up a little on the DVDs that I have been meaning to watch,  I watched a film about Beethoven – “Immortal Beloved”, nothing special really and not one I would watch again in any hurry,

I am a big fan of classical music and found the brief exerts of his music potted about the film to be a poor representation if his immense ability and talent.  To be honest I had dozed off before the end of it and so had to replay the ending just so I could say I had actually watched,  Actually the ending was about the only good part of the film but hey ho I am grateful for having the chance to have watched it.

And now I am going to go back to sleep as I am incredibly tired,  Tomorrow has all the making of a busy day and I need to rest for it.

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