Tags
bleeding, Christianity and Depression, Chronic Fatigue, CFS, CFIDS, & M.E., Depression, Distorted Perceptions, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Personal Journal
Another very rough night. I spent all night sat watching television unable to sleep and unable to read. Additionally I didn’t really want to get into talking with anyone and so I simply sat watching television all night.
To be totally honest I am not really sure what is going on at the moment although I do recognize certain situations, circumstances and rationale’s within it all and how unhealthy or negative these are. But of course changing them is not always easy especially when they are in others and the way they are treating you as opposed to being in yourself.
One major consideration for me at the moment is the Solitary v Social situation.
I think it was Aristotle who first expressed the whole “is man a social or solitary creature or both?” question and I am very much aware that this is a consideration that has been explored by many philosophers, religious leaders and indeed psychiatrists and psychologists ever since.
These two “states” are by their very nature, I would suggest, polar to each other. Because of this – depending on how they are managed – they can no doubt cause a certain amount of conflict in us. Although some people do seem to fit from one state to the other with a great deal of dexterity.
For example, a person with a propensity towards solitude may find a discomfort in social settings and vice versa. Additionally the level of discomfort experienced will be directly proportional to either a) how much comfort or security they find in the one state and/or b) how much threat they find or perceive in the other.
There are of course exceptions to this rule and a solitary person may find comfort or security within specific social groups or circumstances that are not so readily available to him or her in others circumstances or situations.
I am also convinced that how sociable and/or how solitary a person is will be directly and/or indirectly influenced by the circumstances of his or her life, his or her experiences, and his or her relationship with others and also (and this is often a key point which is overlooked) with his or her self.
As for myself, I would have to say that I have a very strong propensity towards the solitary state and quite a lack of interest in the social state. People often ask me if I find being alone so much difficult and I am always somewhat intrigued by the idea that “not being alone” is appealing to them and I also find their assumption that being social would be appealing to me.
Of course as a Christian I have to consider what I am called to be? In this regard, I personally do not believe that I, as a Christian, am called to be entirely or even mainly solitary. And having said belief, for me personally, one of such exceptions that I mentioned above would have to be in respect of fellowship and indeed the call to participate in corporate worship.
But I have to admit that, outside of this and often even inside of this, I am finding it harder and harder to be “social” and that I do certainly experience more and more of an allure towards being solitary.
I have several times recently considered stopping my internet subscription, closing down all my blogs and social network participation and indeed canceling my home phone and relying only on my mobile phone for emergency calls and the one or two conversations that I do enjoy each week.
I find myself conflicted between the solitary state that I seem to enjoy – even desire, and the social state that everyone else seems to desire for me and expect of or for me. Which of course logically brings one to consider if this is a reflection of my natural state or indeed an exaggeration of my natural state in response to how I am “feeling” at the moment?
Both mentally and physically I find that I am growing more and more weary and more and more tired and I am not sure as to the cause of it all. I recognize therefore that the allure of solitude could well be simply an expression of the fetal position that so many of us seem to desire or need to revert back to at times.
[If I could be bothered I would respond now to my mind’s immediate invitation to reflect of the psychological significance of sleeping positions but alas I have no enthusiasm for such folly at the moment. Hey ho perhaps another time.]
Am I able to focus? Yes in the main I am, but then I find that I don’t really enjoy doing so and in fact just recently I experience such headaches as a result of the effort to focus.
Are the voices or thoughts bad? No not really – at least no more than normal. They are of course still present and still active but not more than usual I would say.
Am I enjoying the things that I do? No I just don’t seem to be able to do so, outside of one or two momentary situations or activities and actually I find that I am very lethargic at the moment and on top of this I am spending more and more time in bed or in mindless futile activities.
Actually if I were to describe my mental appetite at the moment I would sadly have to admit that I am perfectly content with meat and two veg as opposed to spicy exciting and enticing food.
In terms of the physical, I do believe my current issues with the bleeding is dragging me down, but then again I cannot rule out the possibility that instead of being part of the causality of my current state they could well be symptoms instead.
Now here is an interesting thought that has just occurred to me. Hm perhaps I should explain that the main body of this post was started when I got up some several hours ago but that due to my headaches I had to leave it as a draft and retire back to my bed for a bit. It has only been on re-reading this draft posting that this thought occurred to me and I have to say it is an interesting consideration.
I recently started a new experimental treatment. Could this have something to do with the bleeding issues that I currently facing? Of course jumping to conclusions is never a good idea and certainly have no expertise in this field but it is an interesting thought. See I do still have the ability to be interested in something. I shall mention this to my doctor and may even text the consultant in charge of the whole experimental treatment program and see what he has to say. Hmm interesting.
Perhaps I should explain (for those new to or who have not been following this blog) that even if I do text him and there is a possible connection between the bleeding and the treatment there is little that he can do I feel since the treatment consists of a regular monthly to six weekly injection and I have recently already had the first one.
But overall I am just so tired and so lifeless lately or more accurately so energy-less lately and I don’t know why that is.
My blood glucose levels seem fairly normal. A few peaks and troughs along the way but that happens and is not out of the ordinary.
My diet is poor but that is a financial concern really and I really do need to eat more veg as having reconsidered my diet over the past few weeks I really don’t think I have eaten any veg at all.
In respect of my medication nothing has changed there and so that really can’t be it.
So all in all I am at a loss as to what is dragging me down so comprehensively and indeed how to address it all. But of course I stand assured that it will, as all things do, eventually pass and that i am not alone in all this despite the fact that I do feel so desperately alone unless the timing or whim suits others to get involved.
This post is so very different from the ones you wrote not long ago where you shared about having visitors and going out to a bible study and how positive it all was.
It is a statement to just how much of a roller coaster ride our mental health can cause us to go on. One moment you are up and feeling good, the next you want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. I am currently going through a more curl up and hide time myself.
I hope that you are able to find out what is going on and are able to be and live in a way that makes you the happiest, whether that involves being solitary or social.
You said in the last line that you feel so alone unless the whim suits others to get involved..if I have made you feel this way then please let me know.
With Love
Hi Bev,
Yes, you are right this post is so very different from the ones I wrote not long ago where I shared about having visitors and going out to a bible study and how positive it all was. Although I did point out in this post that there were exceptions to how I feel and certainly the bible studies and the one or two visitors that I have would be part of those exceptions.
Yes, mental heath and indeed physical health can be a roller coaster ride and yes one moment we are up and feeling good, the next we want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. And I think it is very important to acknowledge that and to surrender our desires and our feelings to God and ask for His help and His guidance in it all. As I said, “as a Christian I have to consider the calling on my life”
You mentioned that you are currently going through a more curl up and hide time yourself and certainly I can relate to that, but I am not going to give up I am instead going to give it up – up to God and I hope and pray that you are able to do the same thing.
Yes I did say in the last line that I feel so alone unless the whim suits others to get involved and no that doesn’t specifically apply to you. Although it does apply to us all in some way doesn’t it?
Hello again,
Yes I suppose it does apply to all of us in some way. I have definetely been guilty of not giving my all to relationships or allowing them to degrade etc. Not my finest moments.
I will try my best to give it up to God, and I actually had a friend over for supper. Her and her two kids came by and although I really wasn’t up for company I knew I needed to push through it and try. It was a pleasant time, although loud hehe but she always makes me smile so it was nice to see her.
If there is anything I can do for you please please let me know.
I am able to relate to your conflicting subject of Solitary or Socializing. The past several months I have isolated myself from all people except for my family and my husband. I do have a place of worship however I would leave soon after the meeting was over without speaking to a soul. In my situation I believe it was the fact that I didn’t feel loved, and I felt no one cared, and I felt abandoned . As a result I had suffered hurt feelings and went through a long deep dark almost catatonic like depression. I dont know about you but when I feel hurt I cut myself off from the entire world. I completely shut down mentally. I function enough to do my duties as a wife but anything that results in socialization is not an option. If and only if I socialize it is usually people who make me feel same like my parents, and grandparents or my cousin. Those are the people who I know would never hurt me and even if I am uncomfortable with a comment I am confident that they do it out of love. However during this time I mainly did not answer calls from anyone. Sometimes I didnt even answer for my family or husband if I was feeling really down.
So in summary I too am comfortable with solidarity when I am depressed or if others have hurt me. The only advice I can give you if you want to try socializing is that as soon as you feel like you are going into a possible deep dark depression pick up the phone and call the person you are most comfortable with in the whole world. Tell them what you are feeling and how you are feeling. In my situation I needed to be reassured that I was loved and that people cared about me. Even though I didnt believe it at the time, the more my family emphasized there love for me, my husband, and members of my congregation emphasized it I started feeling alot better. And as a result from all the genuine love and care others gave to me, those are the individuals I want to socialize with. Eventually the more you are reassured that you are valuable, loved and cared for by someone who you know loves you, or maybe someone you know that treats you nice, you will eventually start feeling better, and notice yourself slowly rising out of that dark deep place you were in before. Eventually you will be in the habit of socializing with that person or any individual that reassures you that you are loved. You will find yourself either visiting, having lunch, or just giving them a phone call to shoot the breeze.Trust me it is happening to me.
Lately I was the queen of isolation. However four loving members of my congregation who happen to be older individuals have called me as well as members of my family, and they all reassured me of how much I am valued in our congregation, and how much they love me and miss seeing me there, and now I am finding myself wanting to call them. I like to call them when I feel lonely, or somethings wrong, or just to have a stimulating conversation, and show them the same kindness they showed me byoffering them encouragement when needed. Remember giving is better then receiving.
I hope this comment changes your mind about Solidarity and Socializing. I am going to end this loooooooooooooong comment by sharing a scripture with you since you are a christian like myself. “One isolating himself will seek his own selfish longing : against all practical wisdom he will break forth.” Proverbs 18:1. Please dont think I am accusing you of selfishness, I mentioned this scripture because it simply means that when we isolate ourselves we can put ourselves in danger by thinking unwisely, even foolishly, to our own injury. A perfect example of this would be a majorly depressed person isolating oneself to the point that the person is only sourounded with thoughts of negativity of oneself ( ex: I dont deserve to live) which could lead the individual to believe there negative thoughts and then decide to take there own life. Avoiding constant solidarity by association or either some stimulating activity often leads to positive thinking, and often avoids negative thinking. I hope my experience and my thoughts help.
Sincerely your fellow BPD Sufferer
Hi Again Tabb,
Again thank you for commenting and indeed for taking time to follow my little blog and to offer comments and words of encouragement.
I agree with you that actually a lot of us, especially those of us who suffer from poor mental health, face this difficulty. I have in fact spent some time reading and re-reading your comment and please be assured that I have not taken any offense at anything that you have shared or said.
Please also be assured that I shall be reading and reflecting on your comments some more when my mind is in a better state.
Again thank you for your kindness.
This is an article that makes you think “never thouhgt of that!”