I have spent the day resting. Yep all day apart from twice when I had to get up to answer the door.
Once was for the local community volunteers who come regularly to check up on me and another time was for a delivery.
I guess I am just particularly tired of late. I am really not sure why this is, just that it is really knocking me for six. Part of me says to fight it as much as I can – which I do when I am able, the other part of me says to just accept it as a part of life and to deal with whatever hand I am dealt (so to speak).
But then that is one of the conflicts that are so frequently present for those of us who suffer from poor mental health combined with poor physical health. Earlier today, whilst laying in bed and during one of my many “awake” moments I checked out a fellow blogger’s blog.
James is a good guy from what I can tell and is much younger than me and trying his hardest to face life as best he can whilst dealing with his Manic Depression and trying to work his way through university. I can understand and indeed relate to a lot of what he writes and indeed what he goes through, having been there myself. I see the conflict that he faces trying to deal with not being “normal” per se and yet wanting others to treat you normally whilst all the time having to deal with the inner feelings and thoughts.
I find that I am struggling a great deal today. The day did not start well and got progressively worse as it progressed, although not too badly it has to be said.
It all started off with my noticing yet more bleeding. Now blood to many is just a part of life and finding a little on you every now and then from some scratch or cut normally produces nothing more than mere curiosity as to where it came from.
Historically it has been seen as the very symbol of life. For the Aboriginal Australians it featured highly as body markings for sacred dancers and for many pagan beliefs features very highly in their sacrificial rites. Even in our Christian faith system it features highly. But for a self-harmer it has produces all sorts of results and can lead to a series of concerns and considerations and may even trigger them. Fortunately I managed to stay fairly ok about it all when I first noticed it.
Further, slightly apprehensive, investigation led to the discovery that I have again been bleeding from my navel again. Which of course leads to more complications as it does throw up the question of whether or not to see my Doctor again? I don’t like being a nuisance and I don’t like people seeing my body and get very apprehensive about both things.
Then to cap it all off I noticed more rectal bleeding which of course didn’t help much and which of course led to even more deliberations, conflicts and concerns. If I don’t like the thought of the doctor peering into the hole in my stomach you can imagine what the thought of her peering into the other hole does to me? Sorry if that image is a little too graphic for anyone.
So today I find myself struggling again. I am, as I said, very tired and very worried about what is going on with my body. I am trying to stay rational about it all and indeed to not let it worry me too greatly but they worry about going to the doctor is as bad as the worry about what it going on. So I am going to try to put it out of my mind for a while – which is of course not that easy when you have a mind like mine.
I hold on to the sure knowledge that I am not alone in all this since I have a personal faith but have to admit that outside of all that I feel very, very alone – something which doesn’t normally bother me but today it is it seems.
Such is life. It is all bloody concerning.