It is almost 2 in the morning and I am awake. Neither by intention or design, nor by desire. But by circumstance and accident. Circumstance from years gone by and accident from but hours passed.
I was watching the television and a program came on that ambushed my mind freeing, releasing, liberating harmful memories normally well controlled. Sensing freedom they surged forward enlisting confusion and frustration as lies with which to over power me. And together they jumped me, bundled me up and have thrown me into a sea of my own barely controllable thoughts.
2.40 in the morning and I am struggling to order the thoughts that are consuming me. I look at the few words I have managed to place on my screen and I feel ashamed at how little I have accomplished.
How many letters have I typed and then deleted and retyped until they finally become the words I wanted and yet words which my brain seems unable to communicate to my fingers.
I feel the thoughts flooding me taking over me, consuming me, enveloping me. I am drowning. Drowning in my own memories, my own thoughts, my own sickness. Drowning.
I have paced, I have rocked, I have fidgeted and hit. Anything to retain life or some resemblance of life within this sea of confused thoughts that envelopes me. Every fibre of my body aches every crevice of my mind echoes in pain as I feel the sanity leaving me.
Like some shipwrecked mariner lost at sea in a waterlogged raft I desperately try to bail out my own thoughts before they sink me to the depths and rob me of my sanity and of life.
3.10 am and I yearn for reason and peace and stability. I know there is light and life above me but I can’t seem to escape this sea that clings to me, consumes me, drenches me with the very thought processes that I must take back and employ in order to escape this all.
I need escape. I need peace. I need order, tranquility, liberty, harmony, rest, respite, sleeeep!
Yes I need sleep!
3.30 and I can take no more. I have to hide. To find some solitude. Some sure foundation. Some rock on which to cling to.
Christ. Christ is the rock on which I hold on to. I need to pray. To pray. To trust. To sleep. To rest. To rest in him.