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Really not sure what has happened today.

I woke up this morning and again I had no energy whatsoever.  Now for someone who suffers Chronic Fatigue Syndrome amongst his illnesses that is not unusual but no this was somehow different.  Disturbingly different and I am not sure how or just what it is.

In terms of my physical well being I am just so very weary.  I have pains in my legs but that is very normal and indeed the pains were not greater than normal.  I experienced no chest pains that I am aware of and indeed my blood sugars were within acceptable levels.  So that rules our my heart conditions and my diabetes are possible causes for how I feel.

Spiritually I feel ok.  I am neither on a high nor am I on a low.  I am aware of things in my life that I need to address and indeed I am addressing them so I really do not feel that it is spiritual either.

This therefore just leaves my emotional and mental health to consider and in terms of my emotions again I do not detect anything untoward there.  I feel neither over-emotional or under-emotional nor do I feel emotionally void.  Which is a state that I do sometimes seem to experience.

So we are left with my mental health but here we face a small problem.  You see whilst my mental health suffering would indeed account in part for how I feel today the fact is that I am not aware of any major mental health difficulties that I am experiencing at the moment.

This worries me a little as it is entirely possible that I am suffering in respect of my mental health but am just not aware of it.  I remember reading a book in which the author talked about Leprosy and how folk with leprosy often suffer many additional wounds as a result of the nerve endings of sensors not functioning properly.

I believe he spoke of one person who feet had burnt very badly as a result of their being too near to the fire and his not realizing it because he felt no pain.

Is this what is happening to me at the moment only mentally?  Is something going very wrong and I am desensitized to it?  The truth is that I am just not sure.  This evening I spent a little time talking with others using a well known voice of internet protocol communication system.

They were obviously having a bad day and in the short time that I spoke with them they did nothing but moan and complain and throw a strop over one thing or another.  None of their drama was targeted at me and in many ways I do understand their upset.  But the fact is that within minutes of my having their negativity and drama verbally vomited all over me I just wanted to go and hide.  I just couldn’t handle it and it was effecting me so very badly.

I mention this not to make them feel bad in anyway (just in case they are reading this blog -although I don’t think they ever do as they have never commented on it) but because I cannot decide whether or not to take this as a sign that I am not desensitized after all, or as a confirmation that something is indeed very wrong mentally.

The net result of it all, has been that I have (apart from 20 minutes or so up here and there) spent the entire day in bed and indeed most of it sleeping.

Of course another consideration and one that I have not yet mentioned is that I have been more active over the past few days and have probably overdone things.  Additionally, yesterday I wrote the ninth part of the Managing the Madness Series and as a result of this also sat and wrote a very open and emotional letter to my younger self.  Both of these things could well be factors in how I am feeling and have felt today.

Perhaps tomorrow will see an improvement and it will all have just been a little glitch.  Who knows.  All I do know is that right now I am so desperately tired and so desperately confused.  But I hold onto the fact that this will pass and things will improve.  I also hold on to the promise of Christ.

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