I find myself exceptionally tired tonight but also extremely challenged.
I had intended to blog a little later on, after I had spent some time in the word, but given the fact that I am so tired I have decided that it is probably wiser for me to blog now and then go to bed and spend some time bible reading and praying.
I woke up this morning extremely tired and in fact not even willing to drag myself out of the bed. The past few days have without doubt taken a toll on me and I cannot begin to describe how weary I felt and indeed feel.
The morning came, or at least my awareness that it was morning, with a text from the hospital reminding me that I have to be there tomorrow and that I have to fast from late evening onwards today. I sent a text back, acknowledging receipt of their text and thanking them for the reminder. It was a very short text as my eyes were not yet functioning properly.
I then called the transport people and confirmed/arranged the transport for tomorrow. Better late than never is what I say, since I had forgotten to do it last week when I should have. As soon as this was done I rolled over and settled back to the appeal of more sleep.
But alas it was not to be as I then received a series of phone calls and texts. What exactly it is that allows me to hear absolutely nothing from anybody for days and then when I actually don’t want to hear from anyone to then be inundated with calls and texts I am not sure. But such is life, and actually some of them I was very grateful to receive.
Not least of all of the ones that I was grateful to receive were those from a dear sweet friend and sister in the Lord inviting me over for the day – an invitation I am always happy to receive.
I dragged myself out of bed, cleaned myself up (more bleeding from the navel, which of course is concerning) washed and got dressed, spent a little time online and then went out.
I have to admit that it was really good to get out of the house and being fed and watered whilst out is also always a blessing.
During the course of the afternoon I was then advised that there was a bible study on this evening and asked if I wanted to attend. Those who have been following my blogs will know that I have a great deal of difficulty, as a result of past events and my proclivity to isolate, with the idea of attending church and church based organized events.
Additionally, I am not very good with smaller groups or indeed with new and unfamiliar situations. But despite all of these I decided that I would give it a go and anyway I have little doubt that those who do care for me and to whom I do hold myself at least in part accountable to, would want me to go.
So I went and I have to admit that it was a thoroughly enjoyable evening. I had forgotten just how much I enjoyed discussing the bible and faith with other Christians and indeed how much I enjoyed getting into and exploring God’s word with other believers.
When I decided to start keeping this the “Voices of Glass” blog I made a very real and conscious decision that I would be careful about how much Christian content I put on here.
The fact is that I am a Christian and it is a very essential and very real part of my life. My caution about how much reference to my Christianity I made or make on this blog did not and does not come from any reluctance to admit my faith nor does it come from any hesitation about sharing my faith. Actually it instead came and comes from the acceptance that the main terms of reference for this site is to discuss mental health and mental health related issues and the understanding that not everyone who reads this site will be Christian.
But as a Christian so much of my faith, my spirituality if you will, effects and is impacted my mental and physical health and vice-versa and this cannot be ignored.
Let me be honest and realistic here. I fully accept that my proclivity to isolate is in the main a direct result of my mental health. I accept also that my need not to isolate is in the main a direct result of my spirituality and indeed my understanding of the instructions God has given us. There is therefore a direct conflict here.
But I am left with one nagging question from all this, and one that simply won’t go away…
If I totally remove the spiritual aspects of the whole question of isolation, and look upon it purely logically, is isolating a stepping stone to improved mental health or is it instead a removal from or of the items and circumstances that perhaps agitate or highlight my poor mental health? Likewise, if the latter be the case, then is my apparent improved mental health as a result of isolation a realistic situation or an unhealthy and unsustainable manipulation of circumstances into a more acceptable situation?
Certainly it is a question (or more accurately) these are questions well worth pondering further.
Let’s be honest here, if my isolating is not a progression towards better mental health but instead simply an unhealthy and unsustainable manipulation of circumstances into a more acceptable situation, then is it not quite simply like a man who has a thorn in his foot, choosing to hop through life rather than address the need to remove that thorn so that he can walk pain free?
Of course I do readily acknowledge that some mental health issues are not as easily removed or dealt with as a thorn in the foot, but even so the analogy remains true and thus the question just as valid.
Take tomorrow for example. The fact remains that I do need to go to hospital tomorrow and that this does necessitate my leaving the house, interacting with a load of strangers and indeed facing new situations that are beyond or outside of my immediate control. Isn’t that in some ways the very definition of social interaction?
I guess the reason that this is such a pertinent question at the moment is because whilst at this bible study this evening not only was I invited to attend the bible study again and more regularly, but also to attend another bible study and indeed the church.
Certainly the matter requires more thought and indeed more prayer and as I am very tired at the moment I am going to close this posting here and retire for the night, doing some bible reading and praying before sleeping.
I have a long and busy day ahead of me traveling too and from and being at hospital tomorrow and since the voices have been at me for days now, it also won’t hurt any to pray in preparation for tomorrow.
If you have a faith, I invite you and ask you to pray for me too. Whilst my mind is more settled tonight than it has been I am still concerned about what happens when I stop focusing on things like writing blogs, praying and reading and try to simply rest.