It is gone four in the morning and once again I cannot sleep, The thoughts and voices won’t stop and I don’t know how to make them stop.
I have sat watching television, mindless dribble and mainly cop shows. Not because I wanted to but because I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to actually give in and get up and attempt to do something else. What is the point of attempting anything else when your mind won’t function properly.
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?”
These are the words of the Miranda Rights. Words spoken to the common criminal by the cop arresting him in the show I am not really watching.
A common criminal has more rights than I have it seems since the thoughts and voices just won’t stop getting at me.
“You DO NOT have the right to remain silent.” Scream the voices. “BECAUSE WE WON’T BE SILENT. Anything WE say or do can and will be held against you in OUR court WHERE WE ARE law. “You DO NOT have the right to speak to an attorney. If you CAN afford an attorney IT DOESN’T MATTER, CAUSE WE DON’T CARE AND ANYWAY one will NOT be aCCEPted for you. Do you understand these RULES as they have been IMPOSED ON you?”
Of course the truth is that I do have rights and of course the truth is that what is happening inside my head is not a removal of rights but simply a byproduct of one (possibly more) of the mental illnesses that I have. But right about now as I sit so desperately tired and so desperately fed up of this noise it just doesn’t seem that way.
I can’t take sedatives to help me with the sleep and dull the voices because I am not allowed to take sedatives because of my sleep apnea being so bad. I try to pray but even then it is jumbled and fragmented.
I write, but instead of it all coming out right I have to spend ages reading and rereading, checking and correcting so that at least i have some resemblance of something that makes sense at the end of it.
I can’t sculpt or paint or draw because my eyes are so tired and my hands are so shaky that it all comes out wrong. Or is it that my mind is amking it all wrong?
I try calming techniques and in some way s they work and yet not enough.
I can’t read because they keep interrupting and and vomiting a whole plethora of garbage into my train of focus.
All I can do is ride the ride until this particular episode ends. It will en. It has to end. And I will survive it. I have to survive it.