Today I went out for lunch with four dear friends from my old church.
Actually, as it turns out, this is the first time I have been out like this for quite some time and I have to say that I really did enjoy it. The food was great and the company even better.
Whilst I didn’t say much at the time, I also have to admit that I did struggle a little, not because of anything or anyone outside of me, but just because of me and where I am at mentally and spiritually at the moment.
The plain truth is that whilst I really did enjoy being out and really did enjoy the company of those I was with, I would rather just stay in doors and not go out at all.
Yes I know that this is a classic symptom of the schizophrenia and the depression and I know that I have to fight this but I have to be honest and accept that I just don’t feel like fighting it.
The conversation over lunch was varied in topic and again very enjoyable. But along with other topics it did touch on matters concerning the church that I (and one of the couples) had just left and seemed to rake up emotions and feeling and indeed hurts that I do find so very difficult to deal with and that are still somehow so very raw.
Saying goodbye to the friends who gave me a lift home I closed my front door, took off my coat and slumped down into my office chair and sat there for a couple of minutes and could have just cried.
Taking a couple of minutes to answer a couple of messages I knew that I was not in a good way either mentally, emotionally or spiritually or eve physically, so I retired to my bed for a while and simply rested.
Thankfully I did manage to get a little sleep although once again it was unsettled and my dreams disturbed waking me several times in the hour that I remained there for.
It is difficult sometimes, I think, especially when you suffer from multiple ailments and illnesses – ether mental or physical 0r both – to pinpoint just which one of them is playing up or affecting you the most. Similarly I think it is all too easy, when you do suffer from poor physical and mental health, to assign the blame to one or both of these and to ignore the emotional or spiritual side of things.
But the truth is that I do feel that a lot of how I am feeling right now is emotionally based and is so very spiritually based.
It is, I think, so very difficult when there are problems or rifts within relationships and whilst I would on the face of things want to appear strong and unaffected by all of this, the fact is that I am affected and am still so very unsettled by it all.
Sadly, however, the movement that needs to take place in order to bring about a righting or a healing of that relationship (whilst I am sure there is some requirement for me to move also) actually needs to be made by someone else and is therefore beyond my control. At least it isn’t outside of my ability to pray over it or outside of God’s influence.
Now I recognize that, just like a lack of desire to socialize, hearing messages and attachment to faith structures, can both also be classic symptoms of schizophrenia but regardless of this I am going to share the next part of my feelings…
As a Christian it is important that we do try to seek God’s will in everything and as a Christian I am always mindful of any indications or directions that I may be getting from God and I am mindful that this issue is just not going away. The question that I have to ask is whether this is a sign from God that the matter is still not resolved or whether it is just circumstantial to, and resultant from, the common bond each of us present at the lunch have with each other.
Either way, I feel so tired and so unsettled and so low and so anxious at the moment and I know I need to try to “snap out of it” as if it is just that easy or at least to do all I can to combat these feelings.