It is 1.19 in the morning and again I am awake and can’t sleep.
I think mostly it comes from my being so ill at the moment. I don’t seem to have my usual pep for life right now.
Normally, and I have been giving this some through lately, I have numerous coping techniques that I use to combat the adversities that I face as a result of my generally poor mental and physical health. But none of them seem to be available or working at the moment.
For example, I really liked (and thus chose) the illustration above because I have always had a particularly keen sense of humor but I find so very little to actually be funny (or even slightly humorous) anymore. So that coping technique is not open to me at the moment. SO the imagery of an unhappy jester crashingly (yes I know there is no such word) fumbling those things that he is juggling whilst tying to balance on a tightrope whilst riding a Unicycle just seems to fit so very well.
I have my faith, and indeed that is still with me and yet I seem to be disconnecting from even that somehow?
Of course my depression doesn’t help any.
In terms of identifiable stressors or triggers (since we have been discussing those lately) I can’t find any. Other than the acceptance that my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health are all intrinsically linked and when one is affected the others either step in to heal and compensate or go down with it.
The truth is that I am sure this is just another lull or valley or trough in the peaks and troughs of the roller-coaster that is or that can be mental health.
The truth is that I WILL survive it. But man am I so very tired and also so very tired of the ride.
And yet tomorrow hopefully maybe, I will have rested some and will be able to don my jester uniform once more, pick up the pins that I juggle, mount my Unicycle and pedal like crazy across the tightrope of life.