So over the past few days I have been getting progressively worse in terms of my physical health and, as if often the case with these things, my sleep pattern is shot to pieces yet again and my mental health is declining also.
Tomorrow I should be at hospital in Dublin starting some new treatment but it has been decided that I am not well enough to travel up there and so that has had to be put on hold for the time being.
I have mixed feelings over this. The rational part of me says it is for the best and besides that I really wasn’t looking forward to traveling up there the way I am at the moment but the other part of me (perhaps the biggest part of me) is so very frustrated over it all being delayed.
On the bright side, it was actually the hospital who decided that I was not to attend in my current condition. I had contacted them by text asking if I needed to fast and when the doctor called me back on the phone he became concerned over how I sounded and having discussed it decided that it was best to postpone things. He also wants me to contact my GP if there is no improvement in the next couple of days, with a view to my perhaps going into the local hospital. Not that the local hospital is very local and not that I have any intention of going into hospital if I can help it at all. Although I probably will contact my GP if there is no improvement in my condition in the next couple of days.
So everything is on hold again in respect of the new treatment I was meant to start tomorrow and in the mean time my health is still deteriorating. The voices are, well they are the voices I guess. They do what they do and thankfully they are not that much worse as a result of all this. What is worse is the lack of sleep and indeed the worsening of my depression however.
I try so very hard to keep a positive outlook on all of this but I am so desperately tired at the moment and feel so desperately low both physically, mentally and also emotionally and spiritually.
As a Christian I try to be a good witness and a good source of support to my brothers and sisters in Christ. Similarly I try very hard not to appear fanatical about my faith or to ram it down anyone’s throats or to “bible-bash”.
My faith, quite simply is my faith and whilst I am more than willing to discuss it if asked I don’t force it on folk and I am so very grateful that thus far has been unshakeable. I neither question God about my health nor do I blame him. I do NOT believe the bible promises good health on this earth and I am totally against prosperity ministry teachings and all that they stand for. And what is more I trust in God as my lovingly heavenly Father.
Also at the time of writing I am very much mindful that my ex-wife’s mother is in hospital and is very sick and that my ex-wife is deeply concerned for her. I pray for an improvement in her health and for reassurance for my ex-wife. I am also therefore very mindful that I am not alone in my physical or mental ill-health and that indeed there are many out there who have it far worse than I do. My prayers are with them at this time and I ask any of you who have a faith to also join me in those prayers.
As for me, well, the fact is that I will get through this and my health will no doubt improve and I know that He loves me even if I am struggling and I am convinced that he understands when I am sick of being tired and tired of being sick.