I woke up this morning so very tired and so very unsure. Unsure of what I would find this morning as a result of my being unsure about what I did last night.
No I wasn’t hung over and no I didn’t get drunk last night. For the record I don’t drink – partly because of choice and partly because I am too many meds to allow me to drink.
No. What I was unsure of was a) had I hurt myself? and b) should I have written what I wrote last night whilst I was struggling with the compulsions? And also I guess c) (deriving from b) should I delete what I did write last night?
So I lay there for a while, not wanting to move, not wishing to know and if I am honest not wanting to hurt. But of course staying in bed was not an option and so I pulled back my duvet and looked for the tell-tale signs.
None was there! I got up and checked my body and found that I was right. I had not given in and had NOT “Hurt myself today” as the song and title of my last post suggested.
So what do I do? Do I simply delete the previous posting and pretend it never happened? I decided to re-read it and then make my decision.
So having washed and dressed and grabbed the compulsory cup of coffee this morning I sat and re-read my previous post.
Here is my great concern. I don’t want to worry people and I don’t want to trigger people. I would hate for folk who were suffering with their own difficulties in respect of self-harming to come across and read that posting and for this to add to their compulsions.
BUT by the same token I do want to be real. I do want to be honest and the fact of the matter is that whilst I did struggle with those urges that compulsion last night the really important thing is that I didn’t cave-in to them!
And I think that is such an important part of all this. Because I really do believe that there is a falsehood that we who struggle with “self-harming” buy into concerning this illness and that falsehood is the one saying that we are “powerless” in these circumstances. The TRUTH is that we are far from powerless!
The truth is that we have choices and the truth is that we have both the right and the freedom to make those choices. I accept (and trust me I know) that when those urges, those compulsions, come we feel less able to make the right choice but that doesn’t detract from our freedom or right to make that right choice.
So I have made my decision about whether or not to delete last night’s post. I am, going to keep it and counter balance it against this morning’s response/post. For if last night’s post does anything it does perhaps bring out into the open some of the pressures that self-harming brings. It is my fervent hope that if this morning’s post does anything it does bring into the equation the proof that we don’t have to give in. We don’t have to respond negatively. We don’t have to serve a sentence that we never earned. We can conquer it and we can be free of it.