When a problem persists one is left with very few solutions available. This of course being true if one has already tried or at least considered and ruled out all other solutions available.
For the emotional amongst us feelings will tend to have a large influence on this situation whilst for those with more of a propensity towards logic there is a more clinical approach to this.
For me personally I am not sure if I am more emotionally or more logically predisposed by nature and if I am honest I would probably say that whilst I do believe I am emotional I have imprisoned these emotions somewhere deep inside behind walls and walls of logic.
But the truth is that this leaves me with a problem. In fact a huge problem since I no longer remember the way through those walls in order to reach those emotions.
But emotions are not a static or silent prisoner and as with prisoners rebelling and rioting against grave injustice my feelings also rebel and riot within me.
They seek recognition, acknowledgement, to see the sunshine, to feel the air, to be free. But I cannot allow them full freedom and cannot accommodate their wish to be fully released. So I have to find a way to let them out. To bring them to the air. To let them feel the sunshine. To grant some form of freedom albeit controlled and limited freedom.
This I think is where my or some of my self-harming comes from. The desire, the need to stop the feelings hidden and trapped, imprisoned inside from exploding in such a way that I will not recover.
It is 3 in the morning and the thoughts and voices won’t stop and the feelings inside are exploding or imploding, I am not sure which. Once more I cannot sleep, once more I find no peace. Once more I need to vent. Once more I fight to pray and once more the thoughts fight even that. Once more I fight the urges but for how long can I go on without giving way to them?