There are certain things in life that seem almost mundane in their predictability it seems, things such as the self-hating, accusatory and self-denigrating thoughts and voices.
But then – since mundane by definition means; “of, relating to, or typical of this world; relating to, characteristic of or commonplace; ordinary” and indeed there is nothing commonplace or ordinary in what I experience as a result of my thoughts and voices I guess they are thus not really mundane just painfully predictable.
Painfully predictable – what an extremely accurate description of what I am experiencing and indeed the crash that I know is coming and inevitable.
I sit here late into the night/early into the morning and the darkness outside my window pales into insignificance compared to the darkness of my mind and mood.
I love God, truly love God and yet that very love excludes me from effectiveness because I know who I am, how I think, what effect this has on me.
For years I have struggled with the torment of my thoughts clinging hold to the one faint hope that these thoughts don’t hurt others the way they hurt me and yet lately I have come to see that actually they do.
I think back to the arguments I have had, the relationships that have ended, been broken or damaged and I realize my own part in all of these. How much can I fairly and justifiably lay on the shoulders of my mental health and how much do I rightfully bear on my own shoulders?
And where does one go with all of this? To the cross of Calvary? What happens when you look towards that cross and despise the very thought of someone such as you being allowed near it?
I am tired, so desperately tired. I am weak. So desperately weak. I hurt. So desperately I hurt.