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I am very mindful that for those who don’t suffer from Paranoid Schizophrenia or even any mental health issue with schizophrenic behavior or elements, the idea that it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between the thoughts and the voices might be a difficult concept to understand.

“Surely the voices are audible and the  thoughts are not?” I hear you ask.  And on some level you would be correct in your question but it just isn’t that simple.

You see clarity of mind is essential for understanding, comprehension and evaluation.  Just ask any stressed out over-tired student how having little clarity of mind can affect them.

I find myself so very disturbed at the moment and in truth my mind is so tormented and so very tired that I doubt at times if I can truly distinguish between my thoughts, the voices and the guy speaking on the television in the background as I sit reading or working.

This creates major problems! Thank fully I have thus far resisted the temptation to give into any of these.  So the good news is I am still here to write my blog, love the people in my life and have not as yet done anything majorly silly to myself.  Nor have I been out and bought a new car, microwave oven or holiday (as the adverts often encourage.)

Although if I am honest I did spend several hours sat down in the cold looking at the river and wondering how to keep myself from simply climbing down into it and letting this madness end last night.

At the time of writing I am fairly coherent and lucid but it is a very real struggle and I can feel myself getting weaker and weaker and more and more tired and less and less resilient.

In truth I have a wonderful and loving heavenly Father who loves me, loves us all, and who has helped me so very much thus far and I also have wonderful kids and wonderful parents who love me and who help me.  I even have a wonderful church which I attend and who have always been there for me although I just don’t feel I can bother them anymore.

And there within lies the problem doesn’t it?  How do you tell those closest to you how desperately tired and despondent you feel without burdening them?  How do you as a Christian comment on, testify about and witness to how wonderful God is when inside you are going through so much torment and when deep inside you feel a burden and a nuisance even to that wonderful God?

But that is a lie from the pits of hell isn’t it?  That is the thoughts or the voices talking and my tiredness and my despondency showing through.  Can we ever be a nuisance or a burden to God?  I don’t believe so even if at times they (voices and thoughts) try to make me think so.

Being so long at the river last night without a suitable jacket has meant that I caught a chill and so I was told to  rest up today and I did s I was told and spent the day converting old home movie videos to DVDs.  As I write one is playing in the back ground and as with all day I am sat here listening and watching old happier times of love, family, fun and good health.  I mourn for that loss and I yearn not for those days but for the good physical and mental health that I enjoyed then.

Will I ever enjoy them again?  I have no idea and if honest I have no idea how long I will survive in order to be able to reach a time when I will enjoy them again.

I love my family and I love my heavenly Father and I love the church that I struggle so much with lately, but I hate (forgive the unchristian attitude) my tormented mind!

The message of Christ is one of eternal hope and I fully and totally believe in it.  But you know what, that “eternal hope” is so appealing especially when the present just offers despair.  I am minded of Paul who said “For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.” ( Phil 1:21 NIV) at this time dying certainly holds it appeal but my life is Christ’s and accessing that eternity, that presence with God in Heaven, has to be at HIS timing and not mine.

I pray for others with similar affliction,  torment, and despair and I encourage not to give up hope.  If you have a faith I ask that you also pray for them and if you have a mind, for me also.

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