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So despite the web of confusion that is surrounding and encompassing me lately I find that I am currently enjoying a rare moment of lucidity and so thought I would use this opportunity to journal….

So today I was obedient.

Obedience is a funny thing isn’t it?

Sometime we are obedient because we know it is the right thing to do and that is enough for us. Because of this it can be simple and easy and yet other times we are obedient not because we desperately want to be – even if we do know it is the right thing to do – but because we need to be and often times this can come with a price.

Today was one such time. Obedience done with some reluctance and yet still being valid.

You see I have always said that if you give someone a title or a role or authority in your life you need to give the respect that goes with it and respond accordingly.  In my life I have “parents in the Lord” as I call them.  These are people who I truly believe God wants in my life in order to encourage and support and guide me and to whom I hold myself accountable in my life and my walk in Christ.

Having left my church and having closed down all my blogs and having resigned or resigned from nearly all of the ministries that I was involved with, they (my parents in the Lord) were concerned that I was disconnecting and isolating.  Indeed there is some wisdom and truth in that concern  and whilst they understood my reasoning they told me to re-open my blogs and to give it a little while if I needed to and then return to the church I have attended for the past few years.

In all honesty and truth I cannot begin to express how reluctant I was to do so and in saying that I mean no criticism of the church I had attended.  It is just that when your mind is as messed up as mine is lately and having left the church going back is not the easiest thing to do.

But this morning, after a great deal of hesitation and some considerable mental struggle, I did just that and it is no little testament to that church that they were loving and accepting of me.

Why did I do it even though I had a few weeks before I would have been challenged on it again?

Was it some neon-flashing, obvious, hallelujah chorus accompanied revelation or leading to do so that motivated me?

No not at all.

Was it an enthusiasm that welled up within me?

No not that either.

So what was it?

Quite simply it was the fact that as I said before, it was my belief that if you give someone a title or a role or authority in your life you need to give the respect that goes with it and respond accordingly. I truly believe God has placed these folk in my life for a reason and so I responded accordingly.

In truth, despite the fact that I still believe that many of the reasons I had for leaving and isolating are legitimate, doing so is not healthy for me and the suicidal thoughts and the urges to sabotage and to self-harm are ever-present and echoed and reinforced by those damnable voices.

I praise God and Christ for my parents in the Lord and for the Church I attended/attend.  I praise God for His love and His presence in my life.