Sometimes in life things sometimes happen that make you sit up and think.
Nothing amazing or revealing about that at all really is there and indeed don’t we all have these moments in life?
But for the Schizophrenic or indeed for those who have schizophrenic experiences attached to some other form of mental health, these moments in life can prove to be extremely troublesome as they may cause an elevated aggression within the voices or indeed the thoughts experienced and can result in an involuntary fixation on the circumstances that surround such moments.
This is where I find myself at the moment and the voices and thoughts have not only fixated on this situation but are running maniacally through my mind waving and shouting all sorts of accusations, inevitable outcomes, messages of doom and suggestions of self-destruction.
As a Christian I am blessed with a very strong faith and I praise God that this faith excludes the responses to these externally proposed and yet internal presented self-destruct sequences. And yet it is growing harder and harder to fight these urges and harder and harder to fend off the attacks if indeed attacks are what they are.
About three days ago something happened that caused me to consider a question that I have not considered before and as a result of that over the past three days or so I have been presented with the same question over and over again.
You see there is without doubt this entire confused web that takes place within the mind of someone who has my mental health problems and that web is an entanglement of natural and logical reasoning, fatalism, fixations, self-destruct messages and inevitable soul-searching.
I seek so much to do God’s will and to be obedient to His word and His will and yet I am human with human needs and human desires and whilst these needs and these desires are completely natural and on the face of it completely acceptable, the love of and for a woman, intimacy, belonging, acceptance, companionship, having a soul-mate etc, etc, etc, I have to consider whether they are possible for me or whether my preexisting circumstances exclude me from having them?
And there within comes the initial conflict. Physical and indeed emotional and in some ways mental desires I experience versus the spiritual desires that I have developed and that I am experiencing.
“God made us who we are” is a statement that I often hear and indeed it would be so easy for me to cry out to Him and declare “You made me who I am!” and “You gave me these feelings, these needs, these desires!” “Why Can’t they be fulfilled?” And yet the truth is that whilst God did indeed give us such things they have without doubt been shaped by our experiences and the teachings and influences that we have received since birth and are therefore corrupted.
Additionally God did not create the circumstances that I am now in, in fact He gave me instructions on how to avoid them and so instead of crying out those words of desperation and of inquisition almost accusation – instead of echoing the voices and thoughts I am plagued with I am left only able to cry out to Him for help in my sadness.
“Lead Me!” Will be the only words I will permit myself to cry in all of this.
I know that these thoughts, these voices, and there cursed self-destructive messages will increase because I know of their ways but am not going to yield to them. I can’t afford to no matter what the cost.