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I found myself on a real low yesterday.

Not really sure as to all the reasons for this, perhaps it is just the shock of the Heart Specialist’s comments on Monday.

What he basically told me is that they had to up my meds in order to give my heart a chance to survive – umm yes that means to give me a chance to survive – long enough for me to have gastric surgery in a hope of my losing shed loads of weight so that I can continue to live.

The problem is that I really do NOT eat lots of food and in fact sometimes go days without food and even when I do eat it isn’t usually a meal big enough for a normal person so how the heck gastric surgery is meant to help I have no idea.

Of course the reality is that he is a heart specialist and only sees a fat guy who’s heart can’t cope and doesn’t really understand why I am a fat guy.  He knows little of my other medical conditions and next to nothing of my life and so why would he think anything different?  Hmm How about ASKING!

But see there is the problem is it not?  I have two different heart specialists – used to be three but I managed to convince one of them that his services really aren’t needed since I still have the other two.  I have a diabetes specialist. I have a respiratory specialist.  I have a psychiatric specialist. I have a whole team of Weight loss specialists.  On top of which I have a whole plethora of other doctors and medical people.  BUT no-one who takes an overview or a holistic approach.

Now some would say that this is where your GP comes in but hey have you thought for one minute just how many patients they have to see in just one day?

D and J, who took me to and brought me back from the Heart Specialist appointment were fabulous and really helped me work through much of what was going on in my mind after my consultation.  But then I came home to an empty house and to being alone and facing it all alone.

Which I guess is really part of the reason why I was so low yesterday.  The realization that I am actually alone.  Just to add to it all and to make things oh so much worse, no one else was around yesterday.  They all had better things to do I guess so I sat alone and just had to deal with what was going through my mind and so I have to accept the reality of life, apart from Christ I pretty much am all alone.

Do I have a large family all over the place?  Yes I do and I do love them but when push comes to shove, as yesterday proved, I am alone and need to deal with things on my own and with my faith.

See my faith means that I am not really all alone, well at least not in the spiritual so at least I can rely on that. And besides all that I have the voices and hey you are never really alone with schizophrenia!

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