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Ever heard that expression before? If you were a horse I’d shoot you and put you out of your misery!

It is an expression that used to be used in respect of people who were very ill and referred to how horses used to be shot or put down when they became too sick to make it worth while hoping for a recovery.

Well If I was a horse I would shoot me! Not because of any misery. Funnily enough I am not in any sort of misery at the moment although I admit I do have moments sometimes days and weeks of misery, but not at this moment in time thank fully.

I am however in a great deal of pain and it is really quite demoralizing to say the least.

On top of my “normal” or should I say “usual” long list of ailments, conditions, diseases or illnesses I have now started getting headaches that fluctuate between being an annoying headache to being a full-grown migraine – nausea, light and sound sensitivity, the works, – and then back to being an annoying headache again.

Yes I have gone down the list of possible causes: new meds – nope, change in diet – nope, too much time at the computer – nope, additional stress – nope (unless you count these darn headaches/migraines themselves) and the only thing I can come up with is that I might need to change my glasses or at least have my eyes re-tested. Actually it is nearly two years since my last checkup so I am due for one shortly and am just waiting until those two years are fully up. (The Irish medical card system only funds eye tests/prescriptions every two years) and I certainly can’t afford them any other way.

Even more concerning than all of this however is my breast lump, yes it is still there and once more inflamed and I am yet again still waiting for an appointment at the breast clinic to get it scanned, poked, prodded, biopsied and diagnosed. Perhaps the fact that I am a guy makes it less important in the medical profession’s eyes but trust me it is very important in my eyes (even if my eyes are very bad) and I really could do with knowing what it is exactly and if I am going to have to lose my man boobs. Not that this will be any major difficulty for me since I shouldn’t have them in the first place but still very frightening none the less.

So if you have a faith and are of a praying nature, feel free to pray for my man boobs.

OK so I am making a bit of a humorous situation out of it and the truth is that it isn’t funny and I am actually quite (ok I admit it) very scared on one level. But on the other level I have a God who loves me and I know that He is with me always and that I do not face this alone – even more so because I have a loving family to support me also.

As for the voices? Well they have just latched onto this whole worsening health thing with a vengeance and are constantly reminding me how bad it all could be.

So mentally I am not in a good way and in truth haven’t really been able to share this with anyone. Not because they wouldn’t want to hear about it but because of where I am at at the moment and because everyone is so busy with other things or have their own stuff going on etc.

So, due to the voices and the headaches and the fact that everyone seems to either have their own stuff going on or are busy sleeping or doing other things and what with everything else I am just isolating and trying my best not to get into any situation that might aggravate the voices or give them additional ammunition.

Like I said, IF I was a horse I’d shoot me! But I am not, so it is back to the old prayer and perseverance.

God bless.

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