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Today I have been trying very hard to fight the negative and suicidal thoughts.

It is sometimes so very difficult to combat these things when they seem so prevolent within your own mind and when, since they are coming from within, all of the counter arguments that you can offer in response to the negativity and suicidalness (not sure that is even a word) are instantly countered with additional and more convincing counters to your counters.

In truth I know that my life is not my own.  I have as a Christian given my life to Christ and thus it is his to do with.  But the living of it still remains for me to do and in truth this becomes so very difficult at times.  Today is just one of those times.

I am trying my best to keep active despite my physical health and to fight these urges.  I pray when I am able to focus on prayer and I use diversionary tactics where possible but are these enough?

I love my God and I do not and will not blame Him for what is going on inside of me or for not having removed this from me.  In truth I am not God and thus I hyave no right to make this decision for Him or to demand such n action from Him.  All I can do is be who I am and try to become who HE wants me to be.