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OK a very tough day today and one that really has frightened me a lot.

I had an appointment at St. Vincent’s University Hospital in Dublin and it went really badly. Not because I wasn’t treated very well because I was and they were all very nice and very caring. The problem is that my health is seriously deteriorating and the consultant just gave me the facts with no frills or drama. Just plain old honest truth gently put but still devastating really.

Basically my body is just not coping with everything that is going on and my tests results for today showed a drastic drop in health and so he is very worried. What he said was that he was totally amazed that I wasn’t already dead or at best hadn’t had a major coronary by now. My weight is now 173.1kg (380.82lbs or 27 stone) and my blood pressure is 163/90 which is not good for anyone and especially not good for a diabetic. My blood sats ( which show the oxygen in my blood) are also very low despite the Cpap machine and my cpap machine readouts weren’t good either.

We spoke about what can be done about this and what medication I was already on and basically we decided that the only room for extra effort is in respect of my weight and so I have agreed to being referred to a special obesity clinic also in Dublin. In truth going to Dublin for hospital appointments is a real pain but I can’t play around with this anymore and have to do something fairly drastic.

How do you even respond to news like this? I am only 47 and whilst I freely admit that I have suicidal tendencies and sometimes want to stop living, the truth is that I kind of want a say in that decision and don’t want it to all just end because my body finally gave up which the doctor says it has already started doing 😦

I want to be clear about this here. I am a Christian and I have total confidence in where I will go after my leaving this earth but I am still scared of how I will leave this earth and when and I do not want to leave all the folk I really love.

I am going to really put my effort into beating this thing and I thank the Lord that I am not already dead and for keeping me safe. It does explain all of my fatigue especially of late but I am a child of God and God is soooooo much bigger than this and even bigger than me.

That is the truth that I need to hold onto. I have a loving heavenly Father, I have the Holy Spirit and I have a personal relationship with Christ and I have a loving and supportive Church and a wonderful, loving, caring and supportive family given by God.