The urge to self harm is very strong in me tonight and I am not sure why this is.
I am not sure how you feel reading this and I really wish to cause no one any offence or concern and to be totally honest I am confident that I can resist the urge but it has got me thinking about how people respond to folk like me who do self harm.
Over the years I have received many varied reactions to the news that I have either self-harmed, am thinking of doing it again or that I have a history of it.
These reactions vary from care and concern to pity and all the way through not understanding to outright judgementalism. So much so I was thinking of getting a t-shirt made that read as follows…
One response that did get me thinking is the question, “And where is your faith when all this is going on in your head?” It is an interesting question isn’t it and I could ask “and where is your faith when you are swearing at the telephone bill or the driver in front of you who cut you up?”
The truth is that at the moment when I am really suffering these urges my focus tends to be drawn solely on the urges and I seem to lose sight of God.
I am sure that God is there, 100% sure that God is there, the trouble is that I am not focussing on Him. Likewise I am 100% sure that He is there whe n you are mad at the driver who cut you up and likewise I am sure you aren’t focussing on Him.
Today I have been feeling extremely distant from God which is by no means a good state of affairs and has probably got a lot to do with why I am feeling the way I am feeling at this moment in time.
In terms of avoidance techniques or urge management I have tried the rubber/elastic band around the wrist and the chewing on an ice cube, holding it in my hand and then letting it melt and then using warm water, deep breathing and safe place visualization techniques and I have also tried the playing with a red marker and the pressing on a tack/drawing pin techniques and certainly these work to varying degrees at different times.
They are not full proof however and I am aware of that and I am aware that they may not be able to help tonight. In truth I could probably phone my Pastor but today is Saturday and he has t preach tomorrow. I could tell my family but it is my son Chris’s birthday party tonight and I don’t want to take away from that.
Prayer would no doubt help except that I am feeling so very distant from God and my voices keep telling me that God ain’t listening. For the record I shall pray anyway.
I never want to displease God or upset or hurt Him and I can only imagine that it does hurt Him when I or any of His children hurt themselves.
I have decided that I need to go to bed before the urges completely take over and so that I can pray and be alone and so that i don’t accidentally concern my family on this night.
But before I go let me invite you to pray and let me ask you where you stand with God? And having started with a t-shirt let me finish with one.