I wouldn’t mind guessing that this is a question that many folk have asked over the years especially those of us who suffer from mental health related difficulties or mental illness itself.
You know I really don’t like this whole positive spin doctor based termanology that says we have to refer to mental illness under the terminology of mental health. It just seems to be such a lie to me. But that is I accept probably more of a comment about me and where I am than it is about the labelling itself.
Anyway, back to my original question, “Can God really use me?” It is a question that has kind of been plaging me lately. See I used to be very involved within my church and then something happened and it all went belly up as they say. In truth I felt betrayed, used, disrespected, un-valued, hurt and several other things besides.
Several conversations followed and whilst there were indeed efforts towards an apology in amongst the conversations, maybe even several apologies there was also the ultimate statement, “I realized that I had gotten it all wrong and that I was asking more of you than you were able to cope with.”
Perhaps it is the mental illness or perhaps it is pride or perhaps it is the enemy attacking and getting in here but I can’t shake the feeling of being perceived as being somehow inadequate or damaged or substandard in all this.
I have prayed over it several times, actually lots of times, and I keep comoing back to the result that actually I had every right to react the way I did and to experience all those things that I listed earlier and I keep coming back to the fact that the perception that “I was unable to cope” is actually a cop out from accepting that actually mistakes may well have been made on both parts. But again I accept that this could all be down to my own corrupted perception of things.
And there we have it don’t we. The self doubt has crept in. See I know that I suffer from mental illness and I know that my perception of things may therefore be somewhat out of kilter at times. So who can I trust?
I can’t trust me obviously. I can’t trust those around me because even if they tell me the truth heck my preception will probably just screw up what they are saying to me. I can’t even trust God, well I can but I can’t trust me that I will hear God right and anyway at the moment I can’t even feel God. I can’t hear Him or sense Him or anything Him really.
(In case there are any shrinks out there wanting to section me for hearing God, get over it some people do actually have a relationship with God and anyway God is not one of the voices I am hearing at the moment thanks.)
The truth is that God actually hasn’t gone anywhere, I am pretty sure He isn’t sick or on holiday and I am fairly sure His communication system isn’t down for maintenance. Nope the problem has to be in me and with me and I accept and realize that but I have to tell you that it is the loneliest place on earth not being able to see or hear or sense or know or feel or reach God.
So very, very, desperately lonely.
But does that make me un-usable or worthless to God. With every fibre of my being I scream out NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God doesn’t have a problem using you just because you have mental health, MAN DOES!
The only problem is that all too often God doesn’t run the church man does.