A little while back now I was so very blessed to be nominated for, and thus to receive, The Versatile Blogger Award.

I think for me the greatest blessing of this award is the fact that it is an award given to bloggers by other bloggers. Participating bloggers nominate other bloggers whom they feel are deserving of the award and once that blogger is nominated they receive the award and then also get to nominate other bloggers.

So it really does mean a great deal to me and I was, and am, so very grateful to Lulu from ‘As The Pendulum Swings‘ for nominating me.  That was actually only as far back as the 10th of this month.

So imagine how much more I delighted, blessed, and grateful I am to learn today that I have been given this award a further two times.

CarlaRenee45  from ‘Seasons Change, Change and Change‘  and Piperou7 from ‘My Life In Pills‘, both of which being really great bloggers and having very interesting blogs of their own have  just nominated me for this award

So I want to give a really big thank you to CarlaRenee45 and to Piperou7 (and of course to Lulu for originally nominating me) for their kindness  and their confidence in this blog/site.

Having received this award there are several things that you have to do and having already done these on my original nomination I won’t bore you all by repeating them here.  But those who missed them and who are interested can find my original award post here – Yay an Award! Now that is a blessing and somewhat bemusing.

So there you have it.  Two more very gratefully received blessings to start my day off with.

Again, I am so very grateful!

Kind Regards,

Kevin.

So I thought I would experiment a little and enable the Ratings System on this site and see if readers liked it.

Basically readers can now rate each post and indeed comments by simply clicking on the rating section appearing at the end of them.

As a writer/blogger I appreciate each and every comment that is made and hope that these will continue but it is also important to me that my work remain relevant and enjoyable and the rating system (if used) is a way of my seeing whether folk are enjoying my stuff.

So underneath each posting you should see the same picture that appears in the red box below.  All you have to do it to click on the number of stars you wish to award as a rating.

Posts Rating System Example

In terms of comments, the rating system is above each of the comments and is shown in the picture in the red box below.  All you have to do is click on the hand with thumb up if you like the comment and the hand with the thumb down f you really dislike the comment. (Which I hope no one will)

Comments Rating System Example

I have to be honest I am less sure about the rating of comments but did want to afford folk the chance to easily express their appreciation or agreement with things other readers have said.

But of course it really is up to you the reader whether or not you think the rating system is a good idea and if you would use such a system?  I really would like to know your opinions on this.

So how about dropping me a comment  and letting me know your views on this?

Many thanks and Kind Regards,

Kevin.

Once again I find that my sleep is unsettled and broken.  For the record I did actually go to bed early and indeed did manage to sleep (albeit restlessly) for a couple of hours and then I woke up.  Just to add to the fun I then went to remove my breathing mask ( I have to use a CPAP machine when I sleep) and the mask broke in my hands.  About a foot and half of sticky tape later and it is just about useable but I am somewhat frustrated about it to say the least.  So I need to vent a little…

So I am awake and laying there and I zap the television to life with the remote control and start deftly navigating my way through the channels in search of something bearable to watch.

Saint’s preserve us there is a heck of a lot of dross on television early in the morning!!  If I didn’t have mental health issues before I started watching twilight television I sure as heck would have by the end of it I reckon. It really is just an endless stream of tele-commercials and ‘Reality Television’

Now whilst I am certain that I gave the tele-commercial’s sugary sweet announcer’s earnest suggestion that my life, romance and appeal would be greatly improved by my purchasing the latest no wire one size fits all push up bra, I decided not to reach for credit card and phone!

hm, does this colour look good on me?

My man boobs are anything but perky and trust me one size fits all in my case just doesn’t work.  It would be like trying to force two sacks of jelly into a couple of ice-cream cones.  Just not gonna happen.

Which sad realization led me to the world of Television Reality Shows!  Heavens above they are weird and is it just me or do most Television Reality Shows lack (um what’s the word I am looking for here?  On yes that’s it) REALITY!

Now don’t get me wrong here, whilst I would be the first to admit that there is such a thing as good reality television I have to say that most of it is, in my humble opinion,  just car-crash television.  But what is worse is that it is often just a vehicle through which unscrupulous money-orientated television production companies prey on the less fortunate in life in order to make mega bucks and in the process use the tragedies and/or sometimes seemingly desperate need for attention or recognition of folk who need very real help to do so.

And I think that is the thing that concerns me the most in all this.

Those folk who desperately do need help and who really should not be allowed or encouraged to let themselves be paraded like performing seals just for the entertainment of the masses.  Let’s be honest here.  There are folk who crave attention in order to ‘achieve’ or to feel that they have ‘made it’ or that they have some worth in life.

The fact is that they already have worth and (at the risk of sounding like a grumpy old git) isn’t it a sad indictment of society and the values we hold if we are producing a culture where this kind of attention seeking is to be valued?

As someone who loves music and singing I consider myself to have a fairly good voice and at least a limited amount of talent when it comes to singing.  My love of music and singing has meant that of the plethora of mindless dross of reality TV that is out there I have and do sometimes watch television talent shows such as Pop Idol, X Factor, The Voice of Ireland (possibly one of the better ones), and America’s (or Britain’s) Got Talent.

I admit it.  Some of them I actually enjoy watching.  But what I don’t enjoy (and I have to say I haven’t seen this happening on The Voice of Ireland) is when they show folk who clearly can’t sing or clearly don’t have the talent they thought they had and do so in a way that is demeaning or ridiculing or embarrassing for the person concerned just because it allegedly ‘makes for good TV’ .

We have to be careful here don’t we?

As someone who suffers from poor mental health I know that one of the symptoms of my mental health is altered perceptions.  Sometimes I perceive things incorrectly.  I know it, admit it and I trust on those who care for me and who love me to let me know when I am going through some wrong thinking.  [Hey I just sat and photo-shopped a picture of me to make it look like I am wearing a bra and then I published it on the internet - how's that for  wrong thinking? lol]

But seriously, where is the moral compass when it comes to what will or won’t be shown on the so-called ‘reality television shows’?  Well I guess the plain simple truth is that if the producers and commissioners of such programs won’t use one then we have to be that moral compass and use the power of the ‘ratings’ and the ‘remote control’.

Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) are very serious life-impacting conditions and I do not in any way mean to disrespect them or make fun of them through this article.

If anyone is offended by my using these terms in connection with the ever popular so-called ‘reality TV’ that is pumped through our televisions and the seemingly ever-increasing desire for ‘fame at any cost’, then I apologize and I hope that regular readers will know me by now and know that I mean no disrespect here.

But I think the point I am making through using this term is still valid and relevant.  At a time when censoring and such things as SOPA and PIPA and the even more outrageous and deeply dangerous and concerning ACTA are very relevant I am not talking of censoring for the sake of censoring here.  But what I am talking about is a very real need for good old common sense, decency, and mutual respect.

They are all over the place, if you really think about it.  But whilst we are aware of them on some level or another perhaps we all too often ignore them.

Of course sometimes they come with warnings…

Although I now live in Ireland, and have done so for several years, I grew in England and spent many a holiday up in London holidaying with family.  So dashing to and fro on the London Underground was a very common thing for me.

Although I have very few specific childhood memories and indeed could not for the life of me remember even one of the many journeys I must have taken on the tube (the London Underground).  I do still recall the yellow line and writing painted on the edge of the platforms of each Tube Station that read ‘MIND THE GAP’.  Actually I also remember the loud public address system announcement that very clearly warned everyone to ‘MIND THE GAP’ each and every time a tube pulled into a station and the doors opened.

Of course some gaps can bring both bad and good fortune…

I think we have probably all lost things down in the gaps of the cushions of our couches/sofas and by the same token I imagine we have probably all found things down there that we never knew were there.

I can remember a time when the gaps between the cushions of the couch and indeed those around the sides and back of the couch were my son’s go to place for lost coins whenever he asked me for money and I had none on me to give him.    Actually, having just typed that, I am reminded that there have been times when they were my go to place if I had run out of smokes and didn’t have enough cash to buy some.

But some gaps are less obvious and instead of coming with a warning actually are a warning….

Gaps in functionality are I think one example of this.

As someone who suffers from very poor physical and mental health I consider myself very fortunate (or in Christian terms very blessed) to be able to achieve the things that I am able to achieve and to function at the level that I am generally able to function at.  Naturally I have good and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, sometimes even longer periods, but I am grateful for how I am able to function most of the time.

But even when I am able to function at a high level is everything always ok?

Well, the honest answer has to be no.  Even at my best I may still not be ‘right’ or ‘OK’ and there may still be things in my functionality that are going awry or that might be missed from time to time or even completely overlooked until they become a major issue.

There have been and are, without doubt, times  when on the face of it things seem to be going OK and I seem to be coping well but actually if you look more closely there are gaps in my functionality that might not at first be noticed.  These gaps in functionality are, I think, extremely important and can very often be indicators that something is not right.  And sometimes, I believe, there are specific gaps that repeatedly appear and thus are good indicators, if we were to but notice them.

For example, in my own situation I usually live alone and I like to keep a clean and tidy home. But I suffer from both poor mental health and poor physical health.  Interestingly, because of the conditions and illnesses that I have, both my physical and mental health, whilst never being good, do often cycle into severe episodes.

In terms of my physical health, when it decreases I am not able to maintain the level of cleanliness and tidiness that I would like and normally maintain for my home.

In fact, I remember being told off by one of my friends, when she called to visit me one day.  She told me off for having told her that I was OK when I wasn’t.  “Whose saying I am not OK?”  I asked, still trying to maintain the impression that everything was alright.

“Your house is.”  She answered, with a gentle smile. “Don’t get me wrong, it is still clean and tidy, but not anywhere near as clean and tidy as you usually keep it and that always means you are struggling with your health.”

She was right and no I shouldn’t have said I was alright when I wasn’t.  But of course we are all human – yes even those of us with mental health issues are still human – and yes we all vary in our levels of functionality and very few of us actually like to admit it and thus be a burden to others.

But isn’t it also true that we sometimes choose to ignore those ‘gaps’ in our functionality because we want so badly for everything to be or to seem to be alright?

Just as my home, or it’s level of tidiness, is a gap that can often be an indicator in respect of my level of physical functionality there are gaps that are good indicators as my level of mental functionality.

The inability to; write fluidly, think cohesively, remember things, focus properly, manage my finances correctly, are all gaps in my functionality that appear when my mental health worsens.

These gaps in our normal level of functionality are, I believe extremely, important.  So too is our noticing, acknowledging and responding to them and/or our caretakers or carers noticing, acknowledging and responding to them.

In this article I have mentioned one or two examples of the gaps which appear in my own functionality when my physical or mental health worsen and which are good indicators of their worsening.  As I said above, these do not come with warnings as much as they are indeed warnings themselves.

One of the things that I need to do is, having identified these warning gaps in my functionality  is to let those closest to me know what they are and to then be honest with them when they appear and to ask them to be honest with me if and when they see these gaps appearing.

Perhaps you can think of specific gaps that always or usually seem to appear in your functionality when you are struggling or beginning to struggle and which can be used as effective early warning signs for you and those who care for you?

If so, I hope that like me you will try to make those closest to you aware of them so that they too can help you.

Firstly I want to say a really big THANK YOU to those who have reblogged the polls and encouraged their readers to participate.

I believe that whilst fairly basic, this will be an interesting poll and the more we can get to take it the more representative and thus useful it will obviously be.

For those who have missed the poll it is split into three sections and each participant is asked to give one (the most accurate for them) answer to each section. You can find the poll here Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns – New Poll

Please be assured participants names will remain confidential and only the answers will be shared. I am able to confirm that at present 13 people have participated in the poll.

Again many thanks to all who have participated.
Kind Regards
Kevin

So I divert it, trick it, preoccupy it.

Last night, whilst not able to sleep, I sat in front of the fire looking into the flames and I wondered how I would react if instead of it being me who suffered with mental health issues such as Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder it was a loved one, a lover if you will.

Just how would I feel if I had a lover and if she had Bipolar Disorder instead of me…

She…

She fell,
Ashen and spent.
So fragile and delicate,
upon the hard granite hearth
that is her illness.

Static and empty.
The smallest of movements
created by the gentle wisps of breath
that encapsulated her.

And in her stillness
such beauty and yet such despair.
such fragility and yet such grace.

-oOo-

Only moments before I had been watching,
watching for what seemed like an eternity.
As she danced, spun, toppled, soared, dived, leapt.
Dancing involuntarily to the tune played
by the heat of the fire that is the mania

A fire that I could no more extinguish for her,
than experience for myself.

But now that fire has let her go.
Ashen and spent,
fragile and delicate
she lays before me
and before another world
her other world.

A world as dark, as desperate, and as hopeless
as the fire was radiant and fulfilling and alive.
Another world I truly cannot enter for her
or even hope that I could keep from her.

-oOo-

She.

She is beauty

She is wonderment

She is fire and she is ice

She is flame and she is ash

she is need and she is fulfilment

She.

]]> http://voicesofglass.wordpress.com/2012/01/24/she/feed/ 5 boldkevin ashen1 http://voicesofglass.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/bpd-the-snakes-or-chutes-ladders-of-mental-health/ http://voicesofglass.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/bpd-the-snakes-or-chutes-ladders-of-mental-health/#comments Mon, 23 Jan 2012 02:56:57 +0000 boldkevin http://voicesofglass.com/?p=845 ]]> So apparently, ‘Snakes and Ladders’ as it is known in the UK and here in Ireland is more commonly known as ‘Chutes and Ladders’ across the pond in the USA.  Who knew?  Certainly not I.  But if there is one board game that so readily makes me think of my life with Bipolar Disorder it is that one.

In the game you work your way to the end of the board and along the way encounter ladders that soar you higher and snakes or chutes then send you colliding down. Sound familiar?

Of course in the game whenever you land upon a ladder you seldom become so manic that; everyone thinks you are overdosing on red bull, think you are a the dalai lama or a ‘special one’, go out on a spending spree and buy fifteen sat navs/gps systems when you don’t even own a car, get distracted by such things as a fly breaking wind fifteen miles away, or talk so fast that not even a group of cattle traders could understand you.

And likewise when you hit on a snake or a chute you seldom get so depressed that; you just want to crawl under the board and hide, or even climb into the snake or chute and sleep forever, or become convinced that the entire board has been specifically designed by some deity, higher power or the universe just to get you, or find the next or highest ladder just so you can hang yourself from it.

Of course I am exaggerating and using a little humor in some of the above examples but whilst some of the above examples may be exaggerated or slightly humorous, trust me the stark contrasts between the extremes are neither exaggerated nor humorous and neither is the severity of the impact that  such a condition can have on the sufferer and his or her family.

And here’s another piece of trivial information for you.  Snakes and Ladders or Chutes and Ladders originated in India where it was known as moksha pAtam or vaikunthapaali or paramapada sopaanam  -  the ladder to salvation and for many of us who suffer from the condition the end and not having to experience it ever again truly is seen, in times of the depths of the despair and depression, as being a kind of salvation.

As a mental health blogger I have now been blogging about my mental health for over three years now.  I know because I went back and checked and indeed the first posting on this blog was way back in January of 2009 and was appropriately called “Voices of Glass“.

Of course what I didn’t know way back then was that there is a whole community of other mental health bloggers and I am by no means suggesting that I thought I was the only one, it just didn’t occur to me to even consider if there were others.  It was, and I hope you understand this, more about me getting out what was trapped inside me and letting others know that they were not alone, than it was about me needing to know I was not alone.

And that is I think another interesting parallel that can be drawn between the game and the condition.  It is not a one player game and whilst you can indeed play it alone the fact is that there are lots of others soaring up those ladders and crashing down those snakes or chutes and I have to tell you, having some idea of what they are experiencing in both the soaring and the crashing my heart goes out to each and every one of them.

You see I am not just a mental health blogger, I am a reader too and I visit a number of other blogs, many of which having similar themes to this one, and I do so knowing that I cannot help but invest of myself in what I am reading and in the sufferings of those who share it with me.  I don’t know how to read other mental-health sufferer’s work dispassionately or clinically.  I don’t know how to just read and move on.

Because whilst I may have used a simple well-known board game as a picture or example of  this mental condition/illness and whilst I may have drawn a number of parallels from it along the way there are a couple of truths here that totally separate the game from the reality…

Firstly, whilst snakes and ladders or chutes and ladders is a game that friends and family can all get involved in and whilst friends and family can indeed get involved in the life of a Bipolar Disorder sufferer, the fact is that they can never truly know what those ladders or those snakes or chutes and the desperate opposing realities of difference between them are truly like unless they too also suffer from the illness.

Secondly, and more importantly, Bipolar Disorder is not a game. It is life and it is death and it is the expansive wilderness of isolation that lies between the two.  Until those realities are understood and accepted by those who look on, even those who look on in caring and love, the isolation that I speak of and that we sufferers often feel will always be there.

Where am I in the midst of this real-life struggle of snakes or chutes and ladders?  Am I level, or soaring up a ladder or crashing down a snake or a chute?  What does it matter? Is it more important were I am or where you are in all of this?

If indeed I am soaring up a ladder ready to soar out of control then standing at the bottom shouting, “Come down!  It isn’t safe up there!  You’ll do yourself harm!” isn’t going to help one little bit. I need you to somehow try to climb that ladder and lead me down.  And yes I know the seeming impossibility of what I ask.

If I have crashed headlong down that snake or chute and am swimming naked and raw, lost and alone through a quagmire of desperation, then standing at the top looking in and shouting, “Come back!  Climb back up! It isn’t safe down there!  You’ll get hurt or end up hurting yourself!” is going to do nothing to help me.  I need you to somehow climb down and get me.  To wrap your arms around me  and to hold me safe and warm and to protect me with your love and somehow wash me clean with your tears.

Where am I in the midst of this real-life struggle of snakes or chutes and ladders?  I am here – now tell me this.  Where are you?

“In any situation where one subject is assessed relative to another or to multiple others, the potential for absolute validity of assessment is directly proportional to the number of absolutes and/or variables (especially the variables) used within the making of said assessment. 

However, wherever and whenever ‘I’ or ‘mine’ factors are introduced to said assessment the shape, form and effects of those absolutes and variables are subject to potential change as a direct result of the positive and negative effects of those factors and indeed how they are introduced.  Thus, unless said influences are counteracted by the introduction of an appropriate and adequate impartiality factor, the resultant validity of said assessment is questionable.”

Ok So I’ll come clean. “I and Mine’s Theory of Relativity” doesn’t really exist, or at least it didn’t until now.   In fact I formulated it after giving the whole subject of “comparing ourselves to others” a fair bit of thought lately and I named it as a result of its content and the phonetic play on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.  But does that make it any the less relevant or true?

I think the major problem with comparing ourselves and our circumstances/difficulties to others is that it is seldom a good idea as there are without doubt a number of ‘I’ and ‘Mine’ factors involved in this.

As I mentioned in the theory, the number of absolutes and especially variables in any given assessment will have a direct and often negative effect on the validity of the assessment.  Likewise, when ‘I’ and ‘Mine’ factors are introduced, how they are introduced and who introduces them can also cause that ‘number of variables’ to increase greatly.

So let’s take a look at that for a moment…

Firstly, we can seldom tell exactly what is going on in someone else’s life or how they are truly handling things and so any assessment based on that consideration will to some extent be guess-work which of course is a very definitely a variable.

Additionally we seldom have all the facts concerning other factors in that person’s life and this therefore increases the variable.  So right from the get go our assessment or comparison is on very shaky ground and thus the validity of any results is therefore extremely dubious.

Secondly our perspective of ourselves in relation to others is often flawed.  Especially when we experience mental illness as all too often we also (as a result of our difficulties with mental health) consciously or subconsciously have a poor or lowered estimation or image of ourselves.

Because of this, unless we are very careful, any positives that we assign to the other person can all too easily serve to heighten or increase the negatives that we apply to ourselves.

Thirdly, all too often the idea of a comparison or assessment of our self or our difficulties/circumstances relative to another person is all too often introduced either by that person or a third-party.  And in most cases there is already a history in place which will shape (either positively or negatively) the comparison or assessment and it is extremely difficult to obtain a clinical, detached, or accurate comparison or assessment under these circumstances unless (as the theory suggests) these influences are counteracted by the introduction of an appropriate and adequately impartiality person.

Two very important factors to remember here are 1) that we are all unique and 2) that when it comes to pain, suffering and difficulties these are all extremely personal and individual just as are our abilities to cope with them or to conquer them are extremely personal and individual.

Because of our uniqueness and the personal and individual nature of our difficulties no comparison with, or assessment relative to another, is ever going to produce exact or totally valid results.

It is for these reasons and because of “‘I’ and ‘Mine’s’ Theory of Relativity” that I think any comparison or assessment of ourselves relevant to another is potentially terribly flawed, unhelpful and often unhealthy UNLESS we can be absolutely certain of total impartiality in that assessment.  And even then I would question its wisdom, usefulness or healthiness.

In Shakespeare’s Hamlet ( I think it was Act one Scene three but I am not sure of that) Polonius tells his son Laertes “To thine own self be true”  Of course Polonius meant it in a different context to how I am going to use it here but there is great wisdom in those words.

“To Thine OWN self be true”.

Not to anyone else’s self but to ‘thine own self.’ I am not you and you are not me.  Likewise I am neither any one of my brothers or my sister, nor am I my mother nor my father and what is more I cannot possibly be them.

That is not selfishness that is reality.  I am me and it is to me that I must stay true because it is me I ultimately have to live with and only I have my specific mental, physical, emotional and spiritual – nature, perspectives, history, challenges, abilities, hopes, and difficulties.

But let me offer one final observation before closing what is already a very long posting.  And I really do apologize for its length but I did promise I would write a posting on relativity and comparing ourselves with others and I really do think it is a very important subject.

I am convinced that truth without love is like a tear without release.  It enables little, heals nothing, and expresses even less.  So to borrow from Polonius and Shakespeare and indeed to add to what they said…

“To thine own self be true and do so knowing this can only fully be achieved in love.”

God bless.

In truth I really don’t feel like talking to anyone and so have not even turned on my Skype or Facebook chat or Google Talk or anything today.  This is not so much a desire to isolate as it is a need not to connect.  I am fairly sure that others who are reading this will be able to identify with both that “state” and that “statement”.

In fact I got up fairly early this morning despite feeling the way I did and again “tried to struggle through” and actually I did manage to do some light housework – dishes, laundry etc but was then forced back to bed as a result of being devoid of  any energy.

Even when I got up this evening it was only to make it as far as the armchair and to stay there until now (other than frequent visits to the bathroom).  As I am typing this my arms and muscles are aching and my eyes and head are so very heavy.  These are all symptomatic of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and of depression both of which I am experiencing at the moment.  Although the level of muscle aches would indicate CFS more than depression.

The frequent visits to the bathroom are as a result (I now know) of my blood glucose levels being ‘totally out of whack’ as my American friends would say and it is one of the things that seems to happen when I begin to crash like this. – Everything seems to impact each other in terms of my mental and physical health.

This can of course be overwhelming and I am at least fortunate in as much as my son and his partner are currently stopping with me and therefore able to look after me.  I am going to go lay down and to try to rest some in order to be able to function at a level where I can at least achieve some things tomorrow.

Sadly this is not new to me but on the positive, because it is not new to me I am at least able to know how to deal with it

It is strange but perhaps understandable that when it comes to writing on a mental-health related blog I am reluctant to say I am feeling depressed when that feeling of depression is not severe and only a ‘low mood’ or a ‘deep sadness’ really.

I mean so many folk, including myself, suffer from very real desperately deep depression and there is therefore the potential, I think, to convince yourself that your ‘low mood’ or ‘sadness’ is somehow unworthy of note or comment.  But this would be very wrong would it not.

I have been toying with the idea of writing a post about relativity and how unhealthy even dangerous it can sometimes be to compare our own difficulties or suffering with that of others and as a result of that to lessen the relevance or importance of them.

The fact of the matter is that our difficulties and suffering are as personal to us as other people’s difficulties and suffering are to them.

One of my pet-peeves is when someone turns difficulties and suffering into a competition and has to make out or try to convince you that their suffering or their difficulties are much worse or even more serious or more worthy of comment or attention than yours.  I am sure many of us have encountered folk like that.  But I do find it so disheartening and so detrimental to healing.

It is just such a damaging thing to do and can lead folk with very real needs to stay quiet about them because they feel that either they themselves or their difficulties/struggles are so unworthy of help or mention.

Today I am struggling,  I am depressed.  Not deeply depressed, not depths of despair depressed – just very depressed.  I woke up extremely tired and lethargic and I have struggled with it all day long.  Additionally my thoughts have in so many ways been centered around my obesity and my struggle with that.

I feel, as I mentioned in my weight related blog, that I have all but given up in my fight to lose weight and that I am simply going through the motions.

How much this is effecting my mental health and indeed how much my mental health is effecting my fight to lose weight I just cannot say.  The link between them is irrefutable but as to the causality aspects or level of impact  of either I am just not sure.

Actually, the truth is that whilst I am suffering from this depression or low mood or deep sadness whatever you want to call it, I know that I can conquer this and that I will bounce back (at my size bouncing is fairly easy, it is stopping any bouncing that is potentially difficult). I of course have far less confidence when it comes to my fight with my morbid obesity which of course is one of the problems.

Tomorrow is, as they say, another day and so I am going to go to bed now and try to rest and to hope that tomorrow will see me wake in a better frame of mind and with more motivation.  It is all too easy, is it not to look at our mental health in isolation from other difficulties that we suffer or experience but the fact is that they do so very often impact each other and we need to be aware of that.